Every The Velvet Underground Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

The Velvet Underground is the quintessential band that everybody knows is important, but nobody actually listens to. They have a paltry 3.6 million monthly listeners on Spotify, which seems like a lot until you see that fucking Hoobastank has 9.5 million. But if you know anything about the Velvet Underground (or “the Velvets,” if you’re a pretentious asshole), you know they’re one of the coolest and most influential rock groups of all time. So, let’s peel back past “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” (kidding, we know that’s a Doug Yule solo track) and rank their venerated oeuvre. Yeah, normal bands have mere discographies; pioneering geniuses have oeuvres.

5. Squeeze (1973)

“Squeeze,” technically the final release from the Velvets (OK, like any true fan of this band, I am a pretentious asshole), is a universally reviled album that nobody thinks even counts, because it contains none of the band’s original members. And the Velvet Underground without Lou Reed is irredeemably bad, like the Misfits without Glenn Danzig, or the Dave Matthews Band with Dave Matthews. For any contrarians who call this album “surprisingly listenable” or whatever, that’s exactly the problem — the Velvets’ genius lies precisely in how unlistenable they are.

Play It Again: There’s nothing worth playing even once here, unless you’re interested in how presciently AI-generated these songs sound.
Skip It: Yeah.

Honorable Mention: VU (1985)

Since the Velvets only have four proper LPs, their cultish fanbase clings to outtakes, a million different live albums, expanded rereleases with pointless alternate mixes, and bootlegs that have absurd names like “The Fuckwell Tapes ‘68” and “Live From Old Skinny Larry’s Manhattan Tenement,” if I’m remembering those correctly. While there’s incredible music all throughout, much of it is geared toward diehard fans without jobs. But, if you’re looking to get into the Velvets’ extended universe, start with VU’s delightful set of outtakes recorded 1968-69 and released long after the band called it quits. This quirky gem, the better of two outtakes albums, contains most of a storied “lost album,” which I hear was discovered over at Old Skinny Larry’s place on the Lower East Side before it got converted into a luxury unit.

Play It Again: “Stephanie Says”
Skip It: “Andy’s Chest” (the Transformer version is far superior)

4. Loaded (1970)

“Loaded,” the Velvets’ true farewell, is their only album that won’t clear out a room of normal people. It’s not as boundary-pushing as their earlier work, but Lou’s virtuosic songwriting and pop sensibilities really shine throughout this gorgeous, well-constructed record. Doug “Judas” Yule’s vocals are featured heavily, which some people hate, especially given his “Squeeze” blasphemy. But let’s be honest, you can’t even tell the difference between him and Lou singing here anyway. This is the Velvets’ weakest proper album, meaning it’s only slightly less than perfect.

Play It Again: “Rock & Roll” shows how a Velvet Underground song can be great even when it’s not about doing heroin or getting your dick sucked.
Skip It: “Train Comin’ Round the Bend” could have used a few lines about doing heroin or getting your dick sucked, because it probably isn’t anybody’s favorite Velvet Underground song.

3. Self-Titled (1969)

In yet another example of our country’s anti-Welsh racism, Lou Reed canned founding member John Cale before making this record. On one hand, this is a shame, because Cale masterminded the unpleasant droning that helped make the first two albums so artistic and cool. On the other, if Lou never fired him, Cale wouldn’t likely have made that stunning rendition of “Hallelujah” from the first “Shrek.” And what’s more, we wouldn’t have this achingly tender and subdued record. Although the Velvets stopped singing about drugs for this album, songs like “Pale Blue Eyes” are the sonic equivalent of opiates — warm, transcendent, and tragic. So actually, yeah, fuck Wales.

Play It Again: “I’m Set Free”
Skip It: “The Murder Mystery”

2. The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)

Punk. Shoegaze. New Wave. Ragtime. Cumbia. The Velvets’ legendary debut single-handedly invented these genres and more, changing popular music forever — despite famously being a commercial failure early on. Did you think we weren’t going to mention that fucking Brian Eno quote? Too bad. He said, “I was talking to Lou Reed the other day and he said that the first Velvet Underground record sold 30,000 copies in the first five years, and it’s all because he went door-to-door asking people to please listen, and they did. And Lou actually made a lot of friends that way and learned that friendship is important and maybe he shouldn’t be so mean. And I think he mentioned some of those people started a band!” Sorry, but that explains it all.

Play It Again: “The Black Angel’s Death Song” (and don’t complain)
Skip It: If any of you jim-jims skip a single song on this perfect record, I will go Valerie Solanas on your ass.

1. White Light/White Heat (1968)

Oh ho, weren’t expecting this at number one, were you? The Hard Times is a punk site, so of course this rabid underdog is our favorite. Look up “proto-punk” in a dictionary, and you’ll soon learn that standard dictionaries don’t contain niche terms like that. But do some Googling and yeah, you’ll see this album is proto-punk as fuck — the primordial ooze from which so much beautiful filth has sprung. The Velvets’ debut was supremely avant-garde, but White Light/White Heat was somehow even avant-garder, reaching unparalleled heights of cacophony and unintelligibility. If White Light is your favorite Velvets record, the one or two people in your life who give a shit will (SWEETLY) respect this as a cool choice.

Play It Again: “Heard Her Call My Name”
Skip It: “Sister Ray” — but that wouldn’t be very proto-punk of you.

The Top 10 Things My Landlord Needs to Fix If He Ever Wants to See His Cat Again

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

That slumlord Frank has neglected my apartment for far too long! I’ve tried being reasonable with him, I’ve submitted all of my maintenance requests in the online portal just like he asked. I’ve sent dozens of followup emails. I’ve even tried shouting at him in front of his family, but there’s just no getting through to this guy. Drastic measures are clearly needed. That’s why I’ve taken possession of my landlord’s beloved cat, Mr Pibb. And if Frank ever wants this cat back, these are the things he needs to fix:

10. The lock on our building’s front door

A lockable front door seems like a basic requirement for an apartment building in this neighborhood. I’m tired of having my Amazon packages stolen. A new lock is what, 30 bucks? What’s he waiting for? If he fixed this one thing and nothing else, I’d consider returning Mr Pibb right now. It turns out I’m very allergic to cats, and this little asshole has shredded my couch.

9. This broken old oven

I have been complaining about this for 2 years. The damn thing takes an hour to heat up. If I had a whole hour to cook, I wouldn’t be making a frozen pizza for dinner. I will not tolerate this any longer. Either he fixes this oven or he needs to buy a new one. Until then, Mr Pibb stays with me. And I’m hoping the oven is fixed soon. It turns out cat food is expensive, and I can’t afford this much longer.

8. The raccoons under my stairs

Mr Pibb refused to eat the food I originally bought for him, so I had to buy an even more expensive brand to get him to eat. All because that son of a bitch Frank still hasn’t fixed anything around here. And now things are worse than ever! I threw the first bag of cat food off of my balcony in anger and it has attracted several raccoons. They spend all night shrieking under the stairs to my apartment. How could any respectable landlord allow these conditions to exist on their property?

7. The leaky roof

It’s negligent for a landlord to not repair my leaky roof in a reasonable amount of time. There must be some legal action I can take against this guy right? In the meantime, it’s just me and Mr Pibb against a broken system and a corrupt landlord. It doesn’t seem likely that Frank will get his shit together any time soon. Luckily I found a brand of cat food that Mr Pibb can tolerate, because he’s clearly going to be my hostage for a while.

6. His shitty attitude

You did this to yourself, Frank, so I don’t want to hear about it from you. It was your own inaction that led to the taking of Mr Pibb. I never asked for this goddamn cat. I never wanted to take daily allergy meds just so they could stay with me. Just fix my apartment and you can have it back. I don’t want to hear any more complaining about how you got burned by the seller when you bought this place last year. That’s your problem, not mine. I’ll gladly keep Mr Pibb forever if that’s what it takes to teach you a lesson.

5. The sink I poured hot oil into

Just because this one is technically my fault doesn’t give my landlord an excuse to not fix it. I tried to deep fry something last week when I was drunk, and the hot grease did serious damage to the drain pipes when I dumped it out. How are they both clogged AND leaking at the same time? What kind of operation is Frank running here? There’s no way the person who allows these living conditions to continue is taking proper care of his pet. I’m glad I intervened.

4. This big hole I made in the wall

This one is only partially my fault. And I refuse to go into details about the origin of the hole. The fact is, there is a head-sized hole in my living room wall, and Frank refuses to patch it until I return his cat. It’s a typical landlord/tenant standoff. And to be honest, I’m not even mad anymore. It’s clear that Frank doesn’t want his cat back, or he would make an attempt to fix my wall. And who really cares? Mr Pibb seems happier here. He’s become an inside cat now. Gone are the days of fighting off the raccoons under the stairs just to come inside for dinner.

3. My relationship with my father

Fuck it. I’m keeping Mr Pibb. If Frank really wants him back, I’m not making it easy anymore. You want your cat? Find a way to get my dad to answer the phone when I call. Surprise, dipshit, you can’t! The old man’s still pissed that I sold the family business and invested all the money in Dogecoin. If he didn’t want me to make impulsive decisions with our shared investment, then why did he go into business with me in the first place? You’re being a real “Frank” about this whole thing, Dad. It would be a shame if one of your pets went missing next…

2. My credit score

There’s no getting around this, 390 is an abysmal credit rating. Nobody will rent to a single man with no documented income and a 390 on his credit report. It’s the only reason I still live in this rundown shithole. I’d take my new cat and leave tomorrow if I could afford it. Mr Pibb and I deserve so much better, but Frank isn’t doing anything to help our current situation. And he’s definitely not helping my FICO Score by reporting me for being “delinquent” on my rent each month.

1. My declining mental health

Mr Pibb is the only good thing in my life right now. Andrea left me after I lost our house in that bad cryptocurrency investment. There’s nothing left here. Just a complete absence of serotonin, and all this IKEA furniture that I put on my credit card before the bank froze the account. But while we’re on the subject, I’ve got this letter from my doctor that says Mr Pibb is a registered emotional support animal now. So Frank better not even think of charging me pet rent next month, because this cat is a medical necessity. I still think Frank should fix all the broken stuff around here, but at this point nothing would make me give up Mr Pibb. I would die for Mr Pibb.

Day Trader Inflates Patagonia Vest to Assert Dominance Over Other Finance Bros

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK – The din of a busy coffee shop on Wall Street turned to hushed reverence and fear after a stay-at-home day trader inflated his Patagonia vest to assert dominance over inferior finance bros, awed witnesses reported.

“If you’re going to be an alpha in this jungle, the only way to do it is by being bigger, louder, and angrier than anyone else. As soon as everyone saw how much I puffed up my vest, and how loudly I was yelling random numbers at my phone, they fell right in line,” said Mason Phillips. “Now that I’m top dog, I can take anyone’s table and spend six hours spending other people’s money while drinking a single coffee. If anyone doesn’t like it, I’d like to see them get to me through seven inches of pure fleece.”

Despite the natural order of law being upended, the coffee shop staff remained professional and calm.

“It’s amazing to witness it firsthand, but we are always careful to not interfere. Frankly, it’s pretty funny the way this guy inflated his vest like a balloon and threw business cards in my face like I fucking care, but in this environment, the best defense is to make yourself as big as possible and to not look them in the eye, or else they’ll start talking at you about asset backed securities,” said barista Marisa Jones. “Though I have to hand it to him, he must have some air of authority the way everyone else submitted to him after he showed them his bank statements. I bet this would be impressive if anyone outside of the Financial District gave a shit.”

Cultural anthropologists were excited to finally witness a rare event in the delicate ecosystem of unbearable stock traders.

“For years now we’ve studied the behavioral patterns of these insufferable tools, but this is the first time we’ve witnessed someone using their bland, boilerplate attire to make themselves more dominating, let alone like someone of actual import,” said Dr. Susan McConnel. “What’s more interesting is the fact that suburban day traders don’t usually traverse this far into the city. My theory is that Phillips’ plumage and personality was not impressing any potential female mates, so he decided to assimilate into an environment where he can strong-arm fellow males into relinquishing their passive income.”

As of press time, Phillips’ reign was already usurped by another asshole with size 14 boat shoes.

How I Drove Up Rents In My Neighborhood By Painting Wings On A Wall

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Sure, I’d love to have inherited a luxury building on Central Park South or a Tribeca loft instead of a mixed-use building with a storefront and six apartments in Jersey City. So I made do with the “rough around the edges” charm.

The place needed a bit of a makeover to make it hospitable. The biggest problem was the exterior wall. At some point, someone painted an unauthorized mural of someone named Medgar Evers, but it looked like an airbrushed shirt from the Wildwood boardwalk.

I tried asking myself what Jesus would do, but that got me nowhere because that dude sucked at making money. Then it hit me—if I wanted to take the building to the next level and be uplifting, what better than wings! I found some wonderful resources on Pinterest and got to painting. I signed it with my artist name, Sakura Otomo, in honor of my Japanese influences.

I decided the building needed to be its own character. I called it, “Bhavana,” the Hindi word for building. A little basic, but it just sounded beautiful. I found a wonderful brushed metal artist on Fiverr to make the sign above the door.

Unfortunately, the laundromat on the first floor kept getting broken into and they missed a few month’s rent. It was a blessing in disguise, I converted it into a gallery space for art showings and burlesque shows. I was able to purchase some washers and dryers for the basement, so with the purchase of a laundry card, my tenants can use these bonus amenities. I was able to use this additional income to fund my collage of pages ripped from library books.

Without having a commute, I’m able to explore everything in the area. I’ve found so many amazing places and learned about so many cultural celebrations that I’ve been sharing on TikTok. Each post gets bigger and bigger. I found the most authentic Chinese takeout, Panda Garden IV. They have a keyboard set up, where they make their kids practice piano. I shot myself dancing to them, and it blew up! People loved the sari I started wearing, so I pointed them to Heritage Indian Fashions. Then I shot myself tasting a “chopped cheese” at the local “bodega,” and doing a little dance. I’ve been checking out Rootsman Kitchen for authentic live classic reggae, but avoid it on the weekends, it’s just a typical club. My most viral post was when I got a true stick-and-poke tattoo of an infinity symbol on my ankle.

Sadly, people in my building have started to leave. They no longer can afford things in the neighborhood, and I’ve had to charge more to keep up with the other buildings. But there always is a bright side, I’ve been able to buy a vintage black and white camera and convert the backroom of the gallery into a darkroom for my photo essay on the transition of a neighborhood.

Guy In Anal Cunt Shirt Really Hoping Someone Asks Him To Name Three Songs

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BUFFALO—Local extreme music fan “Dirty” Travis Macintyre is eager to showcase his genre knowledge by explaining the brutal song titles of Anal Cunt to a stranger, sources report.

“When I heard people were asking people in band shirts to prove their fandom by naming songs, I immediately ordered a different Anal Cunt shirt for every day of the week,” said Dirty, while carving the word “fuck” into a park picnic table with a butterfly knife. “I have my three song titles ready, and I can’t wait to see the look on all the snowflakes’ faces when I spit out the most brutal sentence ever written. They cover the full gamut of awful: murder, all types of assault, involving all sorts of people. I’d say them right now, but there’s a cop over there, and I don’t want to violate my parole.”

While the song titles might inflict emotional distress on the average person, Macintyre’s mother, Cyndy Slater, is well aware that her son is no stranger to controversy.

“Travis has always been someone who craved attention. As a kid, he’d run around with his diaper filled, trying to gross out other kids, and really, this isn’t that different,” said an exhausted Slater. “Like any mother, I just hope that someday he settles down, gets married, and finds what he’s looking for in life. But on his last date, he brought a dead possum that he found in the parking lot into the restaurant, so I’m not holding my breath.”

Dr. Janice Linkletter, Director of Psychology at Johns Hopkins, posits that we are currently experiencing a profound renaissance of such behaviors.

“With Reddit, 4Chan, and Truck Flags, there are no shortage of ways to be an asshole. It used to be that dickheads only were able to meet up locally, but now all they have to do is write ‘play stupid games win stupid prizes’ on a local news comment thread and they gather together like pigs in slop,” said Dr. Linkletter. “Pushing the status quo has always been a goal of trailblazing artists. That being said, we went from Alice Cooper wearing black eye makeup to G.G. Allin eating fistfuls of shit in about eight years. At this rate, we’ll be dead by next year.”

Macintyre was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy calling a 12-year-old various slurs on Call Of Duty.

Pretty Boy Steve Bannon Petrified of What Might Happen To Someone As Good Looking as Him in Prison

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon, a former Trump adviser, is worried about what will happen to “someone as pretty as him” in prison after a federal judge ordered the pundit to serve his four-month prison sentence for a Contempt of Congress charge, sources close to Bannon confirmed.

“I’ve seen the movies, a guy like me is going to be very popular in prison. I’ll have to assert dominance by going in there and taking a swing at the biggest and baddest dude around,” said Bannon from the chair he’s been sitting in for the past 12 hours straight. “I know I’m tough. I’ve watched most of the Rocky movies, and I used to watch ‘Bloodsport’ with Trump like three times a week. If anyone tries to mess with me I’ll just hit them with a spin kick right to the spine.”

Most federal inmates admit to being indifferent about Bannon being locked up alongside them.

“I don’t know why all these guys automatically assume we want to have our way with them in the shower. Most of us are just regular dudes who made a few mistakes, and got wrapped up in the prison system. I’m serving 25 years for distributing weed, and that shit is legal in a bunch of states now,” said Thomas Cleary. “All I’m saying is I couldn’t give a fuck about this guy. I mind my own business, I study in the library, and I look forward to visits from my wife. All that said, I’ll gladly beat the shit out of the dude if he steps out of line.”

Veteran prison guard Richard Leary believes Bannon’s worries are overblown.

“Everyone that works in law enforcement is a giant fan of Trump, and that’s going to really benefit someone like Mr. Bannon. He’s always going to have a guard near him because they are going to want to know how cool Trump is in person,” said Officer Leary. “I hope he gets sentenced in my prison. I’ll give him the grand tour, I’ll show him where we make some of the prisoners do Friday Fight Club and I’ll even let Mr. Bannon in on some of the wagers. But I really don’t want to get my hopes up.”

At press time, Bannon was looking up the best recipes for prison wine.

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Israel Shows Support For Western Culture By Committing Mass Murder At School

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of having kids die in school.

“President Biden has been very clear that we use these weapons the same way America would, so we looked at the numbers and realized most American mass casualty events happen in a school,” said Aluf Tomer Bar, the Commander of the Israeli Air Force. “It was a no-brainer for us. We got out our maps and started marking down every school we could find as soon as we opened the latest shipment of missiles. And yeah, I don’t know, just to cover my bases I should probably say that we had intelligence that Hamas was embedded underneath the school or something. There is no way to prove they weren’t there, the whole place is a pile of rubble now.”

Countless Palestinian refugees are uncertain of where they can go to remain safe from Israeli bombing campaigns.

“We can’t go to the hospitals because those are targets, we can’t go to designated encampment locations because those are targets, we can’t even shelter in UN schools because now those are targets,” said Nafiz Raid Ziyad. “They won’t allow shipments of food, they bomb aid workers, and America does nothing but give them more money and more weapons. Now Israel is rejecting the ceasefire deals that they themselves proposed. This won’t end until all of us are dead.”

President Joe Biden admitted he was touched by Israel’s show of solidarity with America.

“Listen Jack, this is a big step forward. Lots of Americans seem to be against Israel, but here they are making an effort to show how much they love and respect the red, white, and blue. This is why we stand side by side with them in their fight for freedom,” said Biden following a D-Day speech. “If World War 2 taught us anything it’s that American firepower is the best darn way to achieve peace the world has ever seen. That’s why we will continue to give Israel our full support, stop asking any questions, and cover our eyes and block our ears anytime someone tries to say Palestinians are suffering.”

At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to congratulate the bacterial infection cholera for its brave work infecting civilians in Gaza.

Man Ruins Chance at Turning Acquaintance into Buddy by Attempting to Bust Balls Too Soon

Posted on by Tim Graham

ROCKFORD, Ill. — Beer delivery driver Harrison Fleming thought he was close to making a new friend, bartender Theo Stills, but ultimately alienated Stills by being too familiar too quickly, according to bystanders drinking $11 IPAs.

“I would see Theo every week on my rounds,” said Fleming while dollying a keg. “He seemed cool and we got along great. I figured we could probably be buddies if given the chance. I was actually getting ready to invite him to come see the 311 tribute band I’m in, but he suddenly went cold on me. Now he just signs the receipt and acts like he’s too busy to talk. It couldn’t have been because I gave him crap about how short he was, or how dumb he looks in khaki pants. I was sure we were at a place where I could start busting his balls, but maybe I did go there a little prematurely.”

Stills says he thought Fleming seemed like a decent guy, but has decided to keep the relationship strictly professional moving forward.

“We’d talk about bands or TV shows and stuff when he delivered,” said Stills. “He seemed cool enough. But then out of the blue he started making some very mean-spirited and frankly inappropriate comments about me. He made a ‘joke’ about my intelligence, and then implied I couldn’t satisfy my wife in bed. I was like, ‘Dude, what the fuck?’ He just laughed and said, ‘Relax, I’m just busting your balls, maybe your wife can drain mine later.’ Totally fucked up. The thing is, I’m at a place in my life where I just want to be around nice people. My life is stressful enough—I don’t need any ball-busting, thank you.”

Sociologist and author of “Don’t Bust My Chops” Helena Trivet says that in order for real friendships to develop, certain milestones of comradery need to be met in proper sequence.

“There is an unspoken timeline when it comes to forming a new friendship that most people know intuitively,” said Trivet. “However, some people don’t understand social cues or the implicit agreements involved and barge right into ‘busting balls’ far too early. You need to form a real bond with someone before you can begin insulting their hygiene, sexual prowess, or brainpower. Only when the threshold of real friendship has been crossed will those comments become tools for further bonding rather than horrific insults.”

At press time, Fleming had been informed he was being let go due to excessive “chain-yanking” after numerous complaints from coworkers.

Help! My Friends Keep Setting Me Up On Blind Dates And It Ends Up Being Nosferatu Every Time

Posted on by Tim Sheard

After celebrating another engagement within my friend group, I realized that there was something missing in my life. So I decided it was time to put myself back out there. My friends caught on and have taken it upon themselves to help me, which I really appreciate, but as it turns out all of my friends share the same idea for what type of guy I should be with—Nosferatu specifically.

Let’s start with the incident at trivia night: Kevin overheard me mentioning that I’m single. He said “Interesting, my friend here is also single”. Then he opened the creepy, ancient coffin that was propped up next to him at the bar, and Nosferatu emerged. We had a polite conversation, but it was difficult seeing as the rats that escaped from the coffin were running amok and causing much alarm.

Later, Monica mentioned that she knew someone that I would be a great match for. A wealthy older man from Eastern Europe who’d be at her New Year’s Eve party. I thought “Count Orlok” was an odd name, but I was hopeful nonetheless.

But when I arrived at the party it was Nosferatu again, this time awkwardly holding a drink and a festive noisemaker.

When I asked Monica why she thought to set us up, she said that she felt we had a lot in common. When I asked her to elaborate she just said “Well, you’re both…you know” while gesturing vaguely at me.

After the party, I confided in another friend, Jennifer, who couldn’t understand my apprehension. She reminded me that a lot of people have to compromise in their relationships.

I’m trying to keep an open mind here, but he’s a centuries-old vampire. Whenever he moves too abruptly, a cloud of dust kicks up and makes me cough. And I think his coffin rats have now delivered a plague to the Greater Los Angeles area. Jennifer’s husband said he was six foot and ended up being five foot eleven. This is not the same.

Hoping to gain some clarity, I signed up for a dating app. My first match’s profile picture was a police sketch of the Zodiac Killer, and he wouldn’t stop calling me “Mommy”.

Now that I think about it, maybe I judged Nosferatu too harshly. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.

I texted him and asked if he wanted to go on a date. He responded saying he was flattered, but not interested. Apparently, he’s still not over some woman that he saw in the streets of Transylvania, and she’s haunted his memory since 1838. But he said that if he ever works through his baggage, we should grab a drink sometime.

Man Finally Feeling Ready to Begin Creative Project 80 Years After Dying

Posted on by John Danek

BATON ROUGE, La. — The ghost of Winston Batts, a cobbler and hobbyist clarinetist who died in 1944, is finally inspired enough to begin work on his first big band jazz album, skeptical angels reported.

“I never wanted to start composing music until everything felt perfect, and I’m finally settled enough in Heaven to begin,” stated Batts, who was infamous in life amongst friends for scoffing at any live musicians and claiming he could make better tunes. “What’s the point of being an artist if you have to force it? That’s what I always said to myself while I repaired shoes for decades. Now that I’ve been dead and rotting for nearly a century, it’s time to start writing some songs to get the young people doing the Charleston.”

Descendants of Batts have reported frequently seeing Winston in their dreams as of late.

“I had a dream last night that I had to shoot my kindergarten teacher in the face to save a pallet of babies, and right as I pulled the trigger, I heard the voice of my great grandfather whisper ‘Big things happening soon’ in my ear,” said Addison Batts, great granddaughter of Winston who first family member to notice his otherworldly presence. “That dream made me realize that I’ve been way too passive with my creative aspirations. So I am going to begin my path towards becoming a sculptor. Soon. Like next week. Or, actually, probably after I get back from vacation in August. But watch this space!”

Mediums say that unfulfilled artistic expressions are one of the most common forms of regret for the deceased.

“I talk to the dead all day every day, and one thing far more pathetic than shitty art or embarrassing lyrics is never actually making anything at all,” said Lydia Trumbull, local medium and successful vintage furniture reseller. “The spirits of the afterlife mostly all wish they had tried painting, written poetry, or auditioned for a vaudeville act. So let this be a lesson to the living–either start today or shut the fuck up about it already. Don’t come crying to me after you die in a six-car rush hour pile-up that you didn’t ‘try your hand at stand-up comedy.’”

As of press time, Batts hasn’t actually started composing anything yet, but has created multiple music-related accounts on Heaven’s social media network Christagram.