ROCKFORD, Ill. — Beer delivery driver Harrison Fleming thought he was close to making a new friend, bartender Theo Stills, but ultimately alienated Stills by being too familiar too quickly, according to bystanders drinking $11 IPAs.
“I would see Theo every week on my rounds,” said Fleming while dollying a keg. “He seemed cool and we got along great. I figured we could probably be buddies if given the chance. I was actually getting ready to invite him to come see the 311 tribute band I’m in, but he suddenly went cold on me. Now he just signs the receipt and acts like he’s too busy to talk. It couldn’t have been because I gave him crap about how short he was, or how dumb he looks in khaki pants. I was sure we were at a place where I could start busting his balls, but maybe I did go there a little prematurely.”
Stills says he thought Fleming seemed like a decent guy, but has decided to keep the relationship strictly professional moving forward.
“We’d talk about bands or TV shows and stuff when he delivered,” said Stills. “He seemed cool enough. But then out of the blue he started making some very mean-spirited and frankly inappropriate comments about me. He made a ‘joke’ about my intelligence, and then implied I couldn’t satisfy my wife in bed. I was like, ‘Dude, what the fuck?’ He just laughed and said, ‘Relax, I’m just busting your balls, maybe your wife can drain mine later.’ Totally fucked up. The thing is, I’m at a place in my life where I just want to be around nice people. My life is stressful enough—I don’t need any ball-busting, thank you.”
Sociologist and author of “Don’t Bust My Chops” Helena Trivet says that in order for real friendships to develop, certain milestones of comradery need to be met in proper sequence.
“There is an unspoken timeline when it comes to forming a new friendship that most people know intuitively,” said Trivet. “However, some people don’t understand social cues or the implicit agreements involved and barge right into ‘busting balls’ far too early. You need to form a real bond with someone before you can begin insulting their hygiene, sexual prowess, or brainpower. Only when the threshold of real friendship has been crossed will those comments become tools for further bonding rather than horrific insults.”
At press time, Fleming had been informed he was being let go due to excessive “chain-yanking” after numerous complaints from coworkers.