CENTRAL GAZA — Israeli government officials confirmed that the bombing of a UN school in Gaza, which was carried out using munitions from the United States, was in support of America’s tradition of having kids die in school.
“President Biden has been very clear that we use these weapons the same way America would, so we looked at the numbers and realized most American mass casualty events happen in a school,” said Aluf Tomer Bar, the Commander of the Israeli Air Force. “It was a no-brainer for us. We got out our maps and started marking down every school we could find as soon as we opened the latest shipment of missiles. And yeah, I don’t know, just to cover my bases I should probably say that we had intelligence that Hamas was embedded underneath the school or something. There is no way to prove they weren’t there, the whole place is a pile of rubble now.”
Countless Palestinian refugees are uncertain of where they can go to remain safe from Israeli bombing campaigns.
“We can’t go to the hospitals because those are targets, we can’t go to designated encampment locations because those are targets, we can’t even shelter in UN schools because now those are targets,” said Nafiz Raid Ziyad. “They won’t allow shipments of food, they bomb aid workers, and America does nothing but give them more money and more weapons. Now Israel is rejecting the ceasefire deals that they themselves proposed. This won’t end until all of us are dead.”
President Joe Biden admitted he was touched by Israel’s show of solidarity with America.
“Listen Jack, this is a big step forward. Lots of Americans seem to be against Israel, but here they are making an effort to show how much they love and respect the red, white, and blue. This is why we stand side by side with them in their fight for freedom,” said Biden following a D-Day speech. “If World War 2 taught us anything it’s that American firepower is the best darn way to achieve peace the world has ever seen. That’s why we will continue to give Israel our full support, stop asking any questions, and cover our eyes and block our ears anytime someone tries to say Palestinians are suffering.”
At press time, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is expected to congratulate the bacterial infection cholera for its brave work infecting civilians in Gaza.