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Help! My Friends Keep Setting Me Up On Blind Dates And It Ends Up Being Nosferatu Every Time

After celebrating another engagement within my friend group, I realized that there was something missing in my life. So I decided it was time to put myself back out there. My friends caught on and have taken it upon themselves to help me, which I really appreciate, but as it turns out all of my friends share the same idea for what type of guy I should be with—Nosferatu specifically.

Let’s start with the incident at trivia night: Kevin overheard me mentioning that I’m single. He said “Interesting, my friend here is also single”. Then he opened the creepy, ancient coffin that was propped up next to him at the bar, and Nosferatu emerged. We had a polite conversation, but it was difficult seeing as the rats that escaped from the coffin were running amok and causing much alarm.

Later, Monica mentioned that she knew someone that I would be a great match for. A wealthy older man from Eastern Europe who’d be at her New Year’s Eve party. I thought “Count Orlok” was an odd name, but I was hopeful nonetheless.

But when I arrived at the party it was Nosferatu again, this time awkwardly holding a drink and a festive noisemaker.

When I asked Monica why she thought to set us up, she said that she felt we had a lot in common. When I asked her to elaborate she just said “Well, you’re both…you know” while gesturing vaguely at me.

After the party, I confided in another friend, Jennifer, who couldn’t understand my apprehension. She reminded me that a lot of people have to compromise in their relationships.

I’m trying to keep an open mind here, but he’s a centuries-old vampire. Whenever he moves too abruptly, a cloud of dust kicks up and makes me cough. And I think his coffin rats have now delivered a plague to the Greater Los Angeles area. Jennifer’s husband said he was six foot and ended up being five foot eleven. This is not the same.

Hoping to gain some clarity, I signed up for a dating app. My first match’s profile picture was a police sketch of the Zodiac Killer, and he wouldn’t stop calling me “Mommy”.

Now that I think about it, maybe I judged Nosferatu too harshly. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.

I texted him and asked if he wanted to go on a date. He responded saying he was flattered, but not interested. Apparently, he’s still not over some woman that he saw in the streets of Transylvania, and she’s haunted his memory since 1838. But he said that if he ever works through his baggage, we should grab a drink sometime.