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Pretty Boy Steve Bannon Petrified of What Might Happen To Someone As Good Looking as Him in Prison

WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon, a former Trump adviser, is worried about what will happen to “someone as pretty as him” in prison after a federal judge ordered the pundit to serve his four-month prison sentence for a Contempt of Congress charge, sources close to Bannon confirmed.

“I’ve seen the movies, a guy like me is going to be very popular in prison. I’ll have to assert dominance by going in there and taking a swing at the biggest and baddest dude around,” said Bannon from the chair he’s been sitting in for the past 12 hours straight. “I know I’m tough. I’ve watched most of the Rocky movies, and I used to watch ‘Bloodsport’ with Trump like three times a week. If anyone tries to mess with me I’ll just hit them with a spin kick right to the spine.”

Most federal inmates admit to being indifferent about Bannon being locked up alongside them.

“I don’t know why all these guys automatically assume we want to have our way with them in the shower. Most of us are just regular dudes who made a few mistakes, and got wrapped up in the prison system. I’m serving 25 years for distributing weed, and that shit is legal in a bunch of states now,” said Thomas Cleary. “All I’m saying is I couldn’t give a fuck about this guy. I mind my own business, I study in the library, and I look forward to visits from my wife. All that said, I’ll gladly beat the shit out of the dude if he steps out of line.”

Veteran prison guard Richard Leary believes Bannon’s worries are overblown.

“Everyone that works in law enforcement is a giant fan of Trump, and that’s going to really benefit someone like Mr. Bannon. He’s always going to have a guard near him because they are going to want to know how cool Trump is in person,” said Officer Leary. “I hope he gets sentenced in my prison. I’ll give him the grand tour, I’ll show him where we make some of the prisoners do Friday Fight Club and I’ll even let Mr. Bannon in on some of the wagers. But I really don’t want to get my hopes up.”

At press time, Bannon was looking up the best recipes for prison wine.

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