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Day Trader Inflates Patagonia Vest to Assert Dominance Over Other Finance Bros

NEW YORK – The din of a busy coffee shop on Wall Street turned to hushed reverence and fear after a stay-at-home day trader inflated his Patagonia vest to assert dominance over inferior finance bros, awed witnesses reported.

“If you’re going to be an alpha in this jungle, the only way to do it is by being bigger, louder, and angrier than anyone else. As soon as everyone saw how much I puffed up my vest, and how loudly I was yelling random numbers at my phone, they fell right in line,” said Mason Phillips. “Now that I’m top dog, I can take anyone’s table and spend six hours spending other people’s money while drinking a single coffee. If anyone doesn’t like it, I’d like to see them get to me through seven inches of pure fleece.”

Despite the natural order of law being upended, the coffee shop staff remained professional and calm.

“It’s amazing to witness it firsthand, but we are always careful to not interfere. Frankly, it’s pretty funny the way this guy inflated his vest like a balloon and threw business cards in my face like I fucking care, but in this environment, the best defense is to make yourself as big as possible and to not look them in the eye, or else they’ll start talking at you about asset backed securities,” said barista Marisa Jones. “Though I have to hand it to him, he must have some air of authority the way everyone else submitted to him after he showed them his bank statements. I bet this would be impressive if anyone outside of the Financial District gave a shit.”

Cultural anthropologists were excited to finally witness a rare event in the delicate ecosystem of unbearable stock traders.

“For years now we’ve studied the behavioral patterns of these insufferable tools, but this is the first time we’ve witnessed someone using their bland, boilerplate attire to make themselves more dominating, let alone like someone of actual import,” said Dr. Susan McConnel. “What’s more interesting is the fact that suburban day traders don’t usually traverse this far into the city. My theory is that Phillips’ plumage and personality was not impressing any potential female mates, so he decided to assimilate into an environment where he can strong-arm fellow males into relinquishing their passive income.”

As of press time, Phillips’ reign was already usurped by another asshole with size 14 boat shoes.