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The Top 10 Things My Landlord Needs to Fix If He Ever Wants to See His Cat Again

That slumlord Frank has neglected my apartment for far too long! I’ve tried being reasonable with him, I’ve submitted all of my maintenance requests in the online portal just like he asked. I’ve sent dozens of followup emails. I’ve even tried shouting at him in front of his family, but there’s just no getting through to this guy. Drastic measures are clearly needed. That’s why I’ve taken possession of my landlord’s beloved cat, Mr Pibb. And if Frank ever wants this cat back, these are the things he needs to fix:

10. The lock on our building’s front door

A lockable front door seems like a basic requirement for an apartment building in this neighborhood. I’m tired of having my Amazon packages stolen. A new lock is what, 30 bucks? What’s he waiting for? If he fixed this one thing and nothing else, I’d consider returning Mr Pibb right now. It turns out I’m very allergic to cats, and this little asshole has shredded my couch.

9. This broken old oven

I have been complaining about this for 2 years. The damn thing takes an hour to heat up. If I had a whole hour to cook, I wouldn’t be making a frozen pizza for dinner. I will not tolerate this any longer. Either he fixes this oven or he needs to buy a new one. Until then, Mr Pibb stays with me. And I’m hoping the oven is fixed soon. It turns out cat food is expensive, and I can’t afford this much longer.

8. The raccoons under my stairs

Mr Pibb refused to eat the food I originally bought for him, so I had to buy an even more expensive brand to get him to eat. All because that son of a bitch Frank still hasn’t fixed anything around here. And now things are worse than ever! I threw the first bag of cat food off of my balcony in anger and it has attracted several raccoons. They spend all night shrieking under the stairs to my apartment. How could any respectable landlord allow these conditions to exist on their property?

7. The leaky roof

It’s negligent for a landlord to not repair my leaky roof in a reasonable amount of time. There must be some legal action I can take against this guy right? In the meantime, it’s just me and Mr Pibb against a broken system and a corrupt landlord. It doesn’t seem likely that Frank will get his shit together any time soon. Luckily I found a brand of cat food that Mr Pibb can tolerate, because he’s clearly going to be my hostage for a while.

6. His shitty attitude

You did this to yourself, Frank, so I don’t want to hear about it from you. It was your own inaction that led to the taking of Mr Pibb. I never asked for this goddamn cat. I never wanted to take daily allergy meds just so they could stay with me. Just fix my apartment and you can have it back. I don’t want to hear any more complaining about how you got burned by the seller when you bought this place last year. That’s your problem, not mine. I’ll gladly keep Mr Pibb forever if that’s what it takes to teach you a lesson.

5. The sink I poured hot oil into

Just because this one is technically my fault doesn’t give my landlord an excuse to not fix it. I tried to deep fry something last week when I was drunk, and the hot grease did serious damage to the drain pipes when I dumped it out. How are they both clogged AND leaking at the same time? What kind of operation is Frank running here? There’s no way the person who allows these living conditions to continue is taking proper care of his pet. I’m glad I intervened.

4. This big hole I made in the wall

This one is only partially my fault. And I refuse to go into details about the origin of the hole. The fact is, there is a head-sized hole in my living room wall, and Frank refuses to patch it until I return his cat. It’s a typical landlord/tenant standoff. And to be honest, I’m not even mad anymore. It’s clear that Frank doesn’t want his cat back, or he would make an attempt to fix my wall. And who really cares? Mr Pibb seems happier here. He’s become an inside cat now. Gone are the days of fighting off the raccoons under the stairs just to come inside for dinner.

3. My relationship with my father

Fuck it. I’m keeping Mr Pibb. If Frank really wants him back, I’m not making it easy anymore. You want your cat? Find a way to get my dad to answer the phone when I call. Surprise, dipshit, you can’t! The old man’s still pissed that I sold the family business and invested all the money in Dogecoin. If he didn’t want me to make impulsive decisions with our shared investment, then why did he go into business with me in the first place? You’re being a real “Frank” about this whole thing, Dad. It would be a shame if one of your pets went missing next…

2. My credit score

There’s no getting around this, 390 is an abysmal credit rating. Nobody will rent to a single man with no documented income and a 390 on his credit report. It’s the only reason I still live in this rundown shithole. I’d take my new cat and leave tomorrow if I could afford it. Mr Pibb and I deserve so much better, but Frank isn’t doing anything to help our current situation. And he’s definitely not helping my FICO Score by reporting me for being “delinquent” on my rent each month.

1. My declining mental health

Mr Pibb is the only good thing in my life right now. Andrea left me after I lost our house in that bad cryptocurrency investment. There’s nothing left here. Just a complete absence of serotonin, and all this IKEA furniture that I put on my credit card before the bank froze the account. But while we’re on the subject, I’ve got this letter from my doctor that says Mr Pibb is a registered emotional support animal now. So Frank better not even think of charging me pet rent next month, because this cat is a medical necessity. I still think Frank should fix all the broken stuff around here, but at this point nothing would make me give up Mr Pibb. I would die for Mr Pibb.