The Weekly Scene Report: March 25

So you made it through another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, here’s your weekly round-up.

45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour

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How to Spot an Off-Duty Cop at a Metallica Concert by Closing Your Eyes and Just Randomly Pointing

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Weird: Two Baconators and Seven Beers Not Sitting Right

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Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice

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Gen Z-er Refers to Album That Saved Your Life as “Content”

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Nu Metal Bassist Gets All Tangled up in Floppy Detuned Strings

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The Hard Times Guide to Saying Nothing When a Young Person Discovers a Band You Like

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Mark Mothersbaugh Busts Out Acoustic Keytar at Campfire Singalong

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We Sit Down With Crust Punk Legend the Stinky Cheese Man

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Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse

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Barenaked Ladies Reveal “One Week” is About the Time Phil Collins Saw a Guy Drowning

Read the full story here.

Frontman Prays Bassist’s Name Comes to Him By Time He Finishes Introducing Rest of the Band

Read the full story here.

Record Shop Releases Attack Dogs Whenever Customer Looks Up Discogs Prices In Store

PITTSBURGH — Owner of the Sound Spynners record shop Dale Randly once again released a pack of vicious dogs on shoppers who compared their prices to Discogs in order to potentially flip them for a profit, several chewed-up sources report.

“One would think that the price of feeding and all the responsibilities of keeping a pack of giant, blood-thirsty dogs would be burdensome, but whenever I see the look of terror in the eyes of would-be record flippers, it’s all worth it,” Randly explained while mopping up drops of blood in front of his store’s new arrivals section. “Sure, if you’re only looking up a price on Discogs or eBay to see if you can get a cheaper copy, by all means, go ahead! But just think to yourself, ‘what is my time worth?’ and ‘how good is my insurance anyway?’ Just be aware that once you hear those vicious barks, you’re basically toast already.”

David Grunwald was shopping at Sound Spynners when he dared to quickly glance at his phone after noticing all the rare punk records that had just come in the store.

“I was flipping through records and noticed an original pressing of The Exploited’s ‘Troops of Tomorrow’ for $45,” said Grunwald while being getting stitches and being treated for multiple fractures in his wrist. “I thought that seemed a little steep, so I pulled up Discogs and before the page even loaded I was ripped to the ground by angry dogs. I thought I was going to die right then and there. Thanks to my curiosity I’m spending all my cash on reconstructive ass surgery. From now on, I’m leaving my phone in the car when I go record shopping.”

Head of “Walden Security Services” Damarcus Walden gave a little insight into the unknown world of record store security.

“Believe it or not, these record shops are some of our biggest clients,” Walden said. “A lot of these owners just want to prevent customers from doing all the annoying shit customers at a record shop do. One of our top-of-the-line ejector seats, the ‘SendEm 2000,’ jettisons whoever is being too rough with the listening station’s stylus through the ceiling and basically into the stratosphere. You don’t want to know what I’ve done to people that intentionally put records in the wrong slots so they can come back for them later.”

At press time, Sound Spynners implemented a policy in which shoppers who touch vinyl with their greasy fingers will have said fingers met with a dull cigar cutter.

Man Suspects Girlfriend Faking Mushroom Peak

ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local psilocybin enthusiast Justin Reeves grew suspicious of his partner’s over-the-top reaction to peaking on psychedelic mushrooms, sources reported.

“I’ve seen better acting in local car commercials,” said Reeves, referring to the last time he tripped on mushrooms with his girlfriend, Denise Ashcroft. “There was so much ‘oohing’ and ‘ahhing’ that people from neighboring campsites told us to keep it down. I didn’t think much of it when she complimented my hat even though I wasn’t wearing one, but when she started crying because she ‘heard an ant’s heartbeat,’ I knew I was dealing with an actress.”

When Reeves realized Ashcroft peaked in 45 minutes, a record in comparison to his previous two girlfriends who both took hours, he was particularly skeptical.

“Yeah I faked it,” said Ashcroft. “I figured the faster I pretended to peak the sooner it would be over with. I didn’t even eat the mushrooms. I pretended to chew them the way you fake chew in front of a baby who won’t eat their dinner and then put them in my pocket so I could take them alone later. I should feel bad, but it’s hard to feel anything but seething anger when your partner asks ‘are you peaking yet’ every six minutes while ‘Starship Troopers’ plays on repeat.”

There are many reasons women fake mushroom peaks, but unless your partner flat-out admits to it, it’s usually impossible to prove.

“No two peaks are going to look exactly alike,” said Steven Vetter, a self-described psychedelic researcher. “The movies will make you think that all couples peak at the same time, but that’s just Hollywood. In reality, many women find it easier to peak alone or even with a group of random strangers than with their own partner. Many of my clients have confided in me they’ve faked complete ego deaths, but reported the experience ‘still felt good’ even though they didn’t peak.”

At press time, Ashcroft was seen acquiescing to Reeves by pretending indica made her sleepy so she could roll on her side and stare at her phone.

Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint

If history has shown us anything, it’s that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which I mean my, way of life. It’s up to parents to ensure their right to instill the Christian values that make this country great. That’s why when my kids read the bible, I always make sure there’s a loaded gun trained on them.

Thankfully I live in a state where guns are prized off at church bingo night, cue the AR-15 that I keep trained on my children during mandatory bible study. And before any of you snowflakes cry about putting a gun in my kids’ faces, I always keep the safety on. Oh, wait — okay, NOW the safety is on.

I love what our founding fathers did to lay the groundwork for this great nation. But who I love even more are their predecessors the Puritans, who absolutely got it right with enforcing Christianity to the point where they’d set you on fire the moment you strayed from the flock. Couple that enthusiasm for Christ with the 2nd Amendment and you’d be surprised how well you can make a child memorize Leviticus front to back.
I want my kids to grow up to be upstanding citizens with a strong belief in their faith, and I’ve found the most effective way for them to accept God in their lives is to threaten them to meet God. As the old saying goes, “spare the rifle, spoil the child”.

If anything, I’m getting them ready for real world situations, like how they could be minding their own business, and someone barges in with a rifle and starts indiscriminately firing. Oh sure, my children like to bellyache about wanting to play with other kids and have tried to escape our home numerous times. I don’t blame them, what with those hedonistic, secular delights out there like gun free zones and movies without Kevin Sorbo in them. But they eventually come around ever since I installed the sniper tower at the end of the driveway.

I don’t care how many of my neighbors accuse me of child abuse or that my own church tells me Jesus wouldn’t condone my behavior. I want my kids to know that so long as they believe every word of the Bible is true, I won’t pull the trigger. Unless they don’t stand for the flag.

8 Bands Who Made Their Money and Then Fucked Off and Did Weird Shit For the Rest of Their Careers

Evolving as an artist is something every musician must struggle with in order to be fulfilled in their creative identity. Well, every musician except these 8 that is – who made sure they got paid and spent the rest of their time fucking about like drunk toddlers. Here’s our list of musicians who basically decided the first paycheck was enough.

The Mamas and the Papas

With a handful of early hits and plenty of amphetamines to keep their momentum up, the Ms and the Ps were all set to ride that money train into the sunset. But then, everybody took their dicks out, and the band quite literally fucked off on a fortune.

Primus

C’mon. You all knew Primus was gonna be in here somewhere. Moving on.

Country Bear Jamboree

Though most people don’t know it, after the bears got sick of chilling on tree stumps down in the old holler, they entered an experimental electrical phase that was critically panned. This was due, in part, to the fact that the woods have few reliable sources to power synthesizers.

Hanson

We’re pretty sure these guys started their own kombucha company or something stupid. Whatever, here they are.

The Band on the Titanic

It’s not often reported in history books as it ruins a bit of the romance of their sacrifice, but just moments before this string quartet did one last run of the classics as the Titanic went down, they pre-showed by robbing a bunch of first-class cabins and stuffing their pockets with expensive blue jewelry. Many historians believe this added weight is what held them down as they slowly sank beneath the waves.

This Mariachi Band on the Subway

Why else would they be playing on the subway, in full mariachi uniform, than if they weren’t totally financially secure otherwise? Weirdos.

The 12 Disciples

The bible kind of tapers off after Jesus, well, we won’t give out spoilers – but religious historians believe that the disciples actually used their newly acquired 30 pieces of silver to invest in a hip new wave synth band, featuring Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all playing untuned theremins.

Phil Collins

Mr. Collins has been doing weird shit for five decades and somehow continues to accrue masses of wealth from all of it. Who of you is giving it to him? Why will you not stop?

Please stop paying him now.

Every Misfits Album Ranked

Misfits are one of the most recognizable bands of all time. Not many other groups combined Elvis-inspired crooning and punk with the macabre, and invented an infamous haircut that’s business on the sides and party down the front of your face. Even their crimson ghost logo is so ubiquitous that you’ll see it on toddler onesies, dog bandanas, and apparel for people who’ve never even heard of them. Hey, we don’t judge. But we will judge their studio albums. Here goes.

7. The Devil’s Rain (2011)

It’s not Danzig era. It’s not even Graves era. This is Jerry Only singing. Like lead singing. Sure, there are some bright spots if you look close enough, but overall it feels like a watered down version of a previously watered down version of the band. Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein isn’t even on it. Misfits are usually at their best when there are at least two devilock hairstyles in the group at a time.

Play it again: Once is enough.
Skip it: “Death Ray” (It’s the last song on their last studio album and it’s last ranked. Bad sign.)

 

6. Project 1950 (2003)

The first appearance of Only-era Misfits came in the form of this collection of covers. It also features Marky Ramone on drums and Dez Cadena of Black Flag on guitar, so it’s barely a Misfits lineup. It’d be like if Krist Novoselic recorded a new Nirvana album with the drummer of Pearl Jam and guitarist from Soundgarden and acted as if it was business as usual. Doesn’t sit right.

Play it again: “Monster Mash” (Probably makes sense they covered this one at some point.)
Skip it: “Diana” or “Donna” (Can’t remember which. Maybe both just to be safe.)

5. American Psycho (1997)

The Graves era endured from 1995 to 2000, which means it had more staying power than the Confederacy. This first Graves record is pretty good on its own merits, but it almost feels like a sequel to a beloved movie. Same genre, similar plot, familiar characters, but new villain who just so happened to come out years later as a Proud Boy and was probably at the January 6th insurrection for all we know. Memorable casting nonetheless.

Play it again: “American Psycho” (The “whooooas” make it feel like vintage Misfits.)
Skip it: “Walk Among Us” (There’s only one Misfits “Walk Among Us” and this isn’t it.)

4. Famous Monsters (1999)

This one is honestly solid, but it doesn’t have that same “I killed a baby today” lyrical urgency like some of the others. It has elements of punk and metal layered with catchy hooks, so it’s very easy on the ears. The sound is also very polished, which probably makes it a more friendly introduction to the band if you’re just starting your punk journey, until you have enough experience to become a seasoned vet who can, and probably should, dismiss this record entirely.

Play it again: The first nine seconds of “The Crawling Eye,” the middle part of “Helena,” and the last 90 seconds of “Pumpkinhead.”
Skip it: “Kong at the Gates” and “Kong Unleashed” (Does the world need two King Kong-related tracks?)

3. Earth A.D./Wolfs Blood (1983)

This one is fast, aggressive, and probably their most blood-curdling studio release. And hey, it’s even got our old pal Glenn. One of the great things about Misfits and this album in particular is that almost none of their songs are personal. While other singers complain about their love lives or going down on Dave Coulier in a theater, Danzig is imagining what it’s like to be a werewolf ripping out the throats of unsuspecting humans. It’s refreshing.

Play it again: Yes.
Skip it: This is the shortest Misfits album, so if you skip just one of these songs, that’s like 30% of the record.

2. Static Age (1996) (Originally recorded in 1978)

With classic tracks like “Hybrid Moments,” “Last Caress,” and “Teenagers From Mars,” you could easily rank this number one. We didn’t though. But it’s got that demo quality charm that they abandoned in later releases, which proves that bands should never evolve their sound too much (see “Devil’s Rain”) despite the human urge to grow creatively and write and direct “Verotika.”

Play it again: Pretty much any of them.
Skip it: Maybe “Come Back” (It’s like a spooky Doors song about a dead guy who wants the raven that was eating his face to come back for more. Probably because he’s lonely being dead and all. Actually, maybe I should revisit this one.)

1. Walk Among Us (1982)

This is the Misfits mission statement. It’s an album so good that it inspired millions of punk, hardcore, and metal bands for decades to come and as many as dozens of horror punk bands. Lyrically this record is groundbreaking too. Bob Dylan never wrote anything as important or profound as “I want your skull, I need your skull.” Danzig was just on another level.

Play it again: It’s only 24 minutes long. Play it all again. You’ve got the time.
Skip it: Skip the “Braineaters” track and jump straight to the music video they made for it. It’ll enhance the experience.

5 Best Dog Food Brands To Help Condition Your Palate for the Inevitable Nuclear Apocalypse

Nuclear war. It’s been the backdrop for countless movies, and video games and served as the #1 looming threat that causing loss of sleep in America for generations. Unfortunately, it’s safe to say the total bummer that is the threat of nuclear holocaust has made its way back into all of our lives.

Do yourself a favor and get ahead of the game! Morals and human decency will most certainly be sparse during the apocalypse, as will basic necessities like food and water, so you’ll have to improvise! Here’s some of the best dog food out there that you can start eating today to help prepare your palette for Armageddon!

Purina ONE (Beef and Brown Rice Entrée)
Our first choice goes to the reliable folks at Purina with their fine brand of “I love my dog, but not enough to care about what she eats” food. If you’re lucky to find a can of this in the wasteland, you’re in for some good eating. Plus it will help you develop a nice, thick, shiny fur coat to help protect you from nuclear winter!

Kibbles ‘N Bits
If you prefer end-of-day delicacies dry, Kibbles ‘N Bits is probably your best bet. Dry food might be the best way to start out on your conditioning as well. Start by replacing a quarter of your morning Cinamon Toast Crunch with Kibbles ‘N Bits, then add a little more each morning. It’s full of delicious nutritional unnamed animal parts and bone meal! Sounds a little off-putting, but you’ll thank yourself when the bomb drops.

Garbage
Dogs always love to rip into the garbage whenever they can. And why not? There’s bound to be some good eats scattered in there! But just be aware: rifling through dumpsters to look for old melon rinds and chicken bones to eat might be safe for now, but when the apocalypse hits, you’re going to have to be a bit more cautious of irradiated rubble.

Wallets, Homework, Collectables, etc.

No! Don’t think you have to just chuck out all the things that brought you some semblance of joy in your pre-bomb life! You can just take all those video games, records, blu rays, and other useless crap straight to the kitchen! That small LP collection you inherited from your parents could be more than just a chew toy, with a little fresh water, radiation-free wheatgrass, and some salt packets, you got yourself a nice hot Paul Simon stew to fill you up. Not to mention keep you warm on those cold, lonely, dark afternoons in the barren wastes!

Anyone Who Dares Trespass on Your Territory
More than likely, you’re going to run across a few bad eggs here and there during the end of civilization as we know it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world for sure, and when you add mass atomic death into the equation, things will head south pretty quick. Now I don’t recommend nor condone cannibalism, but maybe you could take a page from man’s best friend and tear off the mailman’s face? Or at the very least, let him know he’s not welcome with a series of vicious-sounding noises and a little mouth froth. Plus, odds are months of radiation from nuclear fallout will turn you and your loved ones into bloodthirsty mutants anyways, so might as well get a head start!

Barenaked Ladies Reveal “One Week” is About the Time Phil Collins Saw a Guy Drowning

TORONTO — Canadian rock group Barenaked Ladies revealed that their Billboard Hot 100 hit “One Week” was inspired by an incident in which Genesis member Phil Collins saw a man drowning but did not lend a hand, horrified sources report.

“When I wrote ‘One Week,’ I was actually worried,” said Robertson, displaying the original handwritten rap lyrics to the song. “I thought people would call me out for writing about someone else’s life, but no one ever has. It seems obvious to me that it is about Phil Collins and the drowning guy. I mean, just look at these: ‘You’ll think you’re looking at Aquaman,’ ‘gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon,’ ‘your brain stops tickin.’ They’re very clearly about the guy who wrote ‘That’s All’ letting someone die a watery death right before his eyes. I mean, I rap ‘I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.’ I’m just straight up describing that dark and strange night in Collins’s life.”

Barenaked Ladies fan Kevin Lungstrom was shocked to find out the actual meaning behind the song after all these years.

“It is super weird that my favorite BNL song is about the guy who wrote the ‘Tarzan’ theme song watching someone die in the cold embrace of a lake,” said Lungstrom, nodding in recognition. “But I can’t deny that it now makes perfect sense. The lyrics–about a desire for forgiveness and shameful anger that accompanies it–are exactly what Phil Collins would feel in that situation. Obviously. I also heard that ‘If I Had $1,000,000’ was going to be the original them for ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ but Regis vetoed it.”

Phil Collins was simply grateful that Robertson had finally opened up about “One Week.”

“I still remember that night so vividly. The way the drowning man kept yelling for help, and pointing at me saying ‘Phil, for the love of God please help me, you’re one of my favorite drummers and an even better vocalist,’” Collins said while sending a fax. “Even though I witnessed a man die with my own two eyes, I could never truly put the feeling down in words. I am just glad that Ed could make me immortal in his own way, unlike that guy who really should have learned how to swim as a kid.”

As of press time, Collins admitted his 1981 hit song “Something in the Air” was about the time his friends in the country rock band the Eagles had checked out of a hotel, but could never leave.

Frontman Prays Bassist’s Name Comes to Him By Time He Finishes Introducing Rest of the Band

ST. LOUIS — Shane Worley, the frontman of local punk band Blood Bathtub, reportedly panicked upon introducing the members of his band, hoping that the name of the bassist came to him by the time he finished doing everyone else’s intro.

“I’ll admit, shouting everyone out during the show was a mistake,” said Worley while smoking a cigarette after the show. “After introducing our lead guitarist and our drummer my face tensed into a thoughtful grimace as I tried to remember what our bassist’s name is. I never would have started calling out the band if I knew this would happen, but to be honest, I forgot we even had someone on bass up there with us. His face looks familiar, for sure, he’s been at practices for the last six years, I’ve seen him at our photoshoots, I was the Best Man at his wedding, but his name just eludes me.”

Despite Worley’s best efforts to play off the situation, crowd members reportedly noticed his forgetfulness during the show.

“I could tell something was up,” said show attendee Eryn Mayhew. “When he finally got around to the bass player, the frontman just stammered and stuttered for a full thirty seconds, and then said stuff like ‘you know him, you love, he’s the big dog’ and ‘give it up for the Chief.’ Then he gave the rest of the band three more introductions, clearly stalling for time. There was a solid minute where he was sort of hiding behind some amps looking at his phone and smacking his forehead. But I don’t think he ever figured it out.”

Music executive Brian Terry said that forgetting names is just common practice in the music business.

“You can’t be expected to remember every single person you meet at a show, have a drink with, or perform on stage with every night for nearly a decade,” said Terry. “Before I got into the corporate world I played keyboards in a new wave band and I remember the essential people like our singer Shane, Theo on drums, Mikey on Guitar, Mikey’s girlfriend Sarah who he actually married in 1997 in Cabo, Shane’s two lovely aunts Miriam and Kimberly, Theo’s son Christian who was 7 pounds 3 ounces when we has born, and obviously everyone’s pets, but if you asked me to name our bassist I wouldn’t be able to do it for the life of me.”

At press time, the Blood Bathtub bassist reportedly could not be reached for comment, as nobody in the band had his contact name or number saved.

Realistic Aaron Sorkin Film Features Characters Thinking of Witty Retort Five Minutes Later

LOS ANGELES – Aaron Sorkin caused a stir in Hollywood when he released a new “more grounded” script replacing stylized dialogue with awkward pauses and characters thinking of witty retorts five minutes later, confirmed multiple sources who claim to still love “The West Wing.”

“It all started when someone called me Stephen King’s aborted twin,” said the acclaimed writer-director. “I tried to come up with a comeback, but I just mumbled ‘you too’ and walked away. Five minutes later I thought of a whole speech about how the guy that called me that was a disappointment to his parents, his friends, and most importantly America. It was super eloquent, but then I realized that no one is that quick-witted. If I, a super genius writer and master of subtlety, could not clap back in the moment, why should any of my characters? So I wrote this new script where everyone is a simpering dipshit, just like in real life.”

Frequent collaborators of Sorkin are having difficulty adjusting to the new realistic format.

“I’ve never had to act through so many dumbfounded silences as on Aaron’s new film,” said fake president Martin Sheen, “My character would get insulted, and I would just stand there stammering, saying ‘uhhhhh,’ and then occasionally just cry before running out of the room. That happens to me all the time in real life, but it isn’t very fun in movies. He also keeps writing me these long monologues that I either have to say ‘um’ and ‘er’ the entire time, or I get interrupted four seconds and say ‘oops, sorry, you go ahead’ even though I was talking first. It’s as frustrating as it is realistic.”

This new wave of cinematic realism has taken hold with auteurs all across Hollywood.

“Kids are never that precocious. Typically they’re dumb as rocks,” said Wes Anderson, “When I saw what Aaron was doing, I just knew I needed to make a change. Now all my set dressing is drab and uniform, and the child actors will no longer reference mid-century Britpop. Instead they’ll be obsessed with getting ‘Fortnite’ dances exactly right. In the interest of realism, I’ve also rewritten every character that interacts with Gwyneth Paltrow to find her completely insufferable.”

At press time, Sorkin was furiously rewriting his script upon observing that conservative news anchors rarely parrot liberal talking points.