Every The White Stripes Album Ranked

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

It’s hard to imagine what the state of Indie Rock would be today without the arrival of the White Stripes. Their minimalist classic rock approach paved the way for great bands like The Strokes, while their heavier riffs inspired shittier ones, like Royal Blood. Whether you’re a burgeoning guitarist that loves to play loud and dirty, or a talentless white guy on the internet debating whether or not Meg White is a good drummer (she is), the White Stripes have likely made an impact on you since their inception 25 years ago. Ahead of their potential induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, we present a ranking of their albums that definitely won’t anger anyone.

6. Get Behind Me Satan (2005)

This should honestly rank higher for being so bat-shit crazy, but it’s mostly a bore. Yes there are some classics, but that’s what Greatest Hits compilations are for. “Get Behind Me Satan” marks the proverbial beginning of the end for the White Stripes, where the playful Willy Wonka persona of Jack White started to become his actual personality. His head was so engorged by past praise he had to wear a goofy-ass top hat to keep it contained. This album was released at a time in which the Stripes could do no wrong. Jack challenged this notion by putting, like, five songs on the record where the main instrument is a goddamn marimba.

Play It Again: “Red Rain”
Skip It: “The Nurse”

5. De Stijl (2000)

The title of this album is a reference to the 1920s minimalist art movement of the same name, and the contents of this offering are about as bland as that sounds. Jack and Meg divorced shortly before this album was recorded, which was such a traumatic experience for Jack that he legitimately believed they were brother and sister for years after the event. We’ll have to forgive them for this record being so unremarkable due to the tumultuous time in which it was born.

Play It Again: “Death Letter”
Skip It: “I’m Bound to Pack It Up”

4. Icky Thump (2007)

“Icky Thump” is the final studio album the band ever produced. Seemingly as an apology for all that marimba shit on “Get Behind Me Satan,” this record finds the White Stripes returning to their glory days of loud guitar, boom bap drums, and zany as fuck vocals. This had the potential to be a perfect collection of Stripes songs, but Jack found a way to sneak bagpipes in on not one, but TWO tracks.

Play It Again: “Little Cream Soda”
Skip It: “Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn”/ “St. Andrew (This Battle Is In The Air)”

3. Self-Titled (1999)

While ranked a bit lower due to a general lack of cohesion and weaker songwriting, this eponymous album served as an incredible timepiece and preview of what was to come. Frenetically kicking off with “Jimmy the Exploder,” the lyrics almost seem to taunt the listener asking “do you want to explode?” This collection dutifully answers the question, “are the White Stripes punk?” with a resounding, “I guess.”

Play It Again: “Screwdriver”
Skip It: “Sugar Never Tasted So Good”

2. Elephant (2003)

Duuuun, da dun dun da duuuuuun, duuuuuun. You sang it didn’t you? Yeah, the whole world did and stadiums across the globe continue to do so to this day. Did you know Jack White gets so much in royalties from “Seven Nation Army” that he probably never has to work again? That’s five sub-par solo albums no one needed to pretend to like by my count. Not only does “Elephant” include this massively successful lead single, there are other songs too! Thirteen of them to be exact, and they mostly all fucking rule.

Play It Again: “Little Acorns”
Skip It: “It’s True That We Love One Another”

1. White Blood Cells (2001)

This is the album that likely made your dad shit his pants while loudly proclaiming that rock and roll was “BACK, BABY!” That reaction was entirely warranted. “White Blood Cells” found the band in peak songwriting form, while also inspiring a legion of fellow noisy guitar bands to flourish. Lead single and door-buster “Fell In Love With A Girl” provoked poignant questions from listeners such as “are my speakers blown?” and “is he singing in English?” Many music critics point to the release of “White Blood Cells” as the dawn of the Garage Rock Revival, but the truth is that Jack and Meg recorded this one in a professional studio, as Jack needed a place to store his Vespa during the sessions.

Play It Again: “The Union Forever”
Skip It: “We Are Gonna Be Friends” (I mean, you get the gist, right?)

Check out more rankings of your favorite bands

10 Times Weird Al’s Parody Made the Original Look Like Complete Dog Shit

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Max Barth

Where to begin? Weird Al’s work has been a cultural constant for decades, spanning fourteen studio albums, forty-six singles and dozens of perfectly placed farm animal sounds. I was first exposed as a kid in the ‘90s, and songs like “Dare To Be Stupid” and “Albuquerque” blew my nascent comedy brain wide open on long car rides as I tried to hold my CD player still so it wouldn’t skip. The brilliant strangeness of his original work and “style parodies” aside, however, Weird Al is best known for his clear-cut, 1:1 parody takes on popular songs. Here are ten that are better than their inspiring work. Remember, as Al himself has said, “mashed potatoes can be your friend.”

“I Love Rocky Road”

Let’s start with one of Al’s earliest hits, off the debut, self-titled album. Not only did “Rocky Road” introduce a generation of listeners to a fantastic ice cream flavor accessible to every palate, it perfectly nailed the lip-curling, joyfully stupid angst of “I Love Rock and Roll” as performed by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (who themselves were covering an earlier version by British band The Arrows). From the first sputtering lines – “I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool/I keep a couple of quarts in my locker at school,” Al’s got our sugar-addled brains hooked. The sublime and sincere stupidity of the narrator in “Rock Road” is beautiful, because ice cream is absolutely cooler (don’t pardon the pun) than putting coins in jukeboxes or whatever. “Have another triple scoop with me”? You’re damn right I will.

“Yoda”

Weird Al is a huge Kinks fan, hence this sizzling and informative take on their hit song “Lola.” Originally recorded for an earlier release, it took roughly five years for Weird Al’s camp to secure the rights from George Lucas et al. A chance encounter with Ray Davies cleared the final hurdle and the song was placed on Al’s third album, “Dare To Be Stupid,” released in 1985. “Yoda”, like the later Don McClean parody “The Saga Begins”, is an essential listen for Al fans and Star Wars nerds alike. The song’s narrator, presumably Luke Skywalker/Mark Hammill, presciently sings “but I know that I’ll be coming back someday/I’ll be playing this part ‘till I’m old and grey”. Every bit as exciting and forward-thinking as Da Vinci’s sketch of a helicopter. A great (and weird) mind at work.

“Amish Paradise”

This 1996 parody of the Coolio (RIP, see you when we get there) hit replaces “gangsta’s” with the likes of Jebediah, Ezekiel and Jacob. While Coolio would at first balk at the song (permission had been given to parody the song by the record company, not the artist himself), he eventually came around to celebrating the work years later. “Amish Paradise” features what is perhaps the single best introduction to a verse in music history, when Al sings “A local boy kicked my in the butt last week/I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek.” A brilliant couplet rivaled only by the likes of Shakespeare, Milton, and pre-publically-anti-semetic Kanye West.

“Grapefruit Diet”

The original song which inspired this take is by a band called (ugh) Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, and it’s about zoot suits and combing your hair and shit. Weird Al’s version, about being large and trying to cut down by eating grapefruits, is clearly better. That isn’t to say it’s “good,” but it is clearly better than a song by a dumb ska band about dumb suits. A slightly more palatable earworm than the original.

“White & Nerdy”

“What if white guy does rap” is a well-worn trope in comedy music (paging: The Lonely Island), and results can range from cringe inducing to “ok he did ‘Eat It’ though,” and here Al profoundly eats. No crumbs. Everyone else doing the bit can go home. While he won’t be featuring on mix tapes any time soon, Weird Al’s pitch-perfect and sincere parody of the Chamillionaire Grammy-winning hit while leaning into the trope is another high point in his career, and likely brought a new generation of kids into the Weird tent (which sounds worse than I meant it). Don’t take it from me – Chamillionaire even placed the parody on his Myspace page, commenting that Weird Al was actually “pretty good” on the track.

“Party In The C.I.A”

A somewhat tame but still political take on the Miley Cyrus hit “Party In The U.S.A”, this parody takes aim at the intelligence community’s history of destroying evidence, destabilizing countries and torturing captives for “quick confessions.” While Cyrus wrote a banger of a melody, the original is a little too sweet for my taste. “Party In The C.I.A” is a great way to enjoy the catchy tune while also (ever so slightly) sticking it to the man. A great way to introduce younger people to the dangers of unchecked imperialism AND Miley Cyrus. What more could you want?

“Smells Like Nirvana”

Let me just say up top that Kurt Cobain thought this parody was great. Coming a year after the Nirvana hit went platinum, “Smells Like Nirvana” showcases Al’s ability to quickly digest and regurgitate pop culture in a clever but sincere way. The music video is an ode to the original, and worth checking out as well. I think the single goat bleat during a pause in chunky riffs is perhaps the high watermark of American humor in the 20th century. Sublime. I mean, Nirvana.

“Chicken Pot Pie”

This parody of “Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney never saw the light of day, but clips of live performances of the song are available on YouTube. Apparently the famously meat-avoidant McCartney refused to give Weird Al permission to go forward with the song as it advocated (quite strenuously) for the deliciousness of the titular fowl-based dish. McCartney’s stand, while laudable, robbed Weird Al-heads of what would have been a surefire hit, but merely knowing the title is enough to make you sing it in your head every time you hear the original. Al: 1, Paul: 0.

“Word Crimes”

Like “Grapefruit Diet,” “Word Crimes” is a parody that is sure to outlive its inspiration – a lyrically troublesome song by that guy, what’s his name, about how he can’t drive without his glasses. Or something. I haven’t listened to it since it came out. Weird Al’s take, on the other hand, is a handy and catchy primer on grammar that puts Strunk & White’s Elements of Style to shame. I learned multiplication tables from songs as a kid, and “Word Crimes” should be offered to teachers as a similar learning instrument. “Word Crimes” is one of the best tracks on 2014’s “Mandatory Fun” album, the first in Al’s career to reach number one (it also nabbed him a Grammy.) Nothing criminal about that.

“It’s All About The Pentiums”

While dated, this ode to personal computing is another banger. A perfect window into the Y2K era, this 1999 song came with a music video featuring Emo Phillips and a Bill Gates lookalike. Like an AOL loading screen, Al’s got bars, particularly in a later verse where he mocks someone for printing out photos of Sarah Michelle Gellar while living in their parents’ cellar, a sick burn that has aged almost as well as the Buffy star.

Special Edition of “Skinamarink” Contains Blooper Reel

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Experimental horror movie director Kyle Edward Ball revealed the special edition of his film “Skinamarink” will contain a much-anticipated blooper reel, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to make an “ending explained” YouTube video for it.

“At the end of the day, these bloopers are open to interpretation, and it’s up to the viewer to determine whether they’re funny,” said the director of the analog horror film. “There’s one where the dad inadvertently steps on one of the many Lego pieces with his bare feet and writhes around in pain while the crew points and laughs uncontrollably. Then there’s another where the production assistant accidentally turns on a light so the audience can momentarily see everything that’s going on in the frame. Then of course there’s that one where the demonic voice coming from upstairs improvises the line ‘whazzup’ like from that old commercial. We almost used that take too. Safe to say, it was hard to keep a straight face while making this film.”

Fans of the motion picture are pumped for the supplemental content.

“This movie and its special features contain everything I love: obscure horror, unnerving cinematography, and actors fucking up,” said film enthusiast Craig Chambers. “The blooper reel surprisingly had a more coherent narrative and plot than the actual film itself. Honestly, I know these gags aren’t for everyone, but you really have to see the reel in the theater to get the full experience. Not to mention these are the most groundbreaking cinematic goofs I’ve ever seen on screen. I don’t care if critics are calling it pretentious. Go see the blooper reel.”

Film critic Nance Claiborne was all too familiar with bizarre movie extras.

“There have been plenty of low-budget horror movies throughout history that have had special features you wouldn’t expect,” said Claiborne. “For instance, the DVD extras of ‘The Blair Witch Project’ contained a good 80 hours of deleted scenes that included cast members meticulously setting up their tents in complete silence as well as a fourth member of the group that died of hypothermia early on. Also, the extras for ‘Paranormal Activity’ curiously had a commentary track from the set’s food caterer. Horror filmmakers really like to get strange with their work.”

At press time, Bell revealed that the special edition will also contain alternate endings, including one where the whole thing was a dream and the family is seen ordering appetizers at their local Applebee’s.

Poser Mozart Fan Wasn’t Even At The Theater auf der Wieden in Vienna for The 1791 Debut of “Die Zauberflöte”

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Rob Ryder

VIENNA, Austria – Self-proclaimed hardcore Mozart fan Ted Zarusky is facing criticism due to the fact he only started listening to the composer sometime within the last 20 years, according to Vienna Scene sources.

“I’ve been listening to Mozart’s entire catalog since I was in seventh grade,” said a very defensive Zarusky. “And I’m not talking about ‘Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, K525’ or ‘Piano Sonata in A, K331.’ No, I’m talking about shit you never hear the National Symphony Orchestra even touch like ‘Maurerische Trauermusic, K477’ and ‘Piano Duet Sonata in F, K497.’ Just because I wasn’t at some show doesn’t mean I’m not fully committed. I have all the recordings, even the early stuff he put out on tape through Gib ihnen den Stiefel Records. Plus, I’ve been to his birthplace twice.”

Local Austrian classical scene legend Brad Drestin is one of the many people skeptical of Zarusky’s fandom.

“We knew this guy’s story the second he walked into town,” said Drestin, who has been gatekeeping classical music for the last 28 years. “These assholes come in thinking they’re immediately one of us just because they read some shit article online and memorized the Köchel catalog. But this scene isn’t about having a Ph.D. in music, this is about being there and supporting the scene whether concerts are happening in a music hall, or a palace garden. This is about being a part of history. And was this Ted guy there? No, he wasn’t even there on that late summer night in 1791. Fucking poser all the way.”

Musicologist Analise Müller of the Mozarteum University Salzburg is baffled by the whole discussion.

“Mr. Zarusky is just listing compositions in Mozart’s career, but it’s so scattershot, it’s like listening to someone recite a Wikipedia page,” said Müller. “And Drestin, good god, has this guy ever read a music history book in his life? Why would anyone pick this moment as the moment in Mozart’s overall career? Within a few months of this show, Mozart would die, he barely did anything after The Theater auf der Wieden show. I mean, I could see maybe the early exhibitions of 1762 at the court of Prince-elector Maximillian III of Bavaria or I’ll even give you the premiere of Mitridate, re di Ponto at the Teatro Regio Ducale in 1770. But anything after he signed with Prince-Archbishop Hieronymus Colloredo in 1773 is just corporate bullshit, total fucking sellout.”

At press time, sources indicated Müller was out kicking in skulls at a Tchaikovsky show in Moscow while Zarusky and Drestin were consoling each other’s bruised pride.

WORLD PREMIERE: Teenage Bottlerocket “So Dumb” Lyric Video

Posted on April 13, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

Punk legends Teenage Bottlerocket have a new 7″ coming out right around the corner called “So Dumb/So Stoked” and this is your first chance to check out the lyric video for “So Dumb.” Go listen to it, tell your friends to listen to it, tell your parents you’re sorry for stealing all their money and then once you’ve made up you can tell them to listen to it.

Go preorder your copy of the 7″ right now over at the Pirates Press Shop, click here.

Video animation by Kaleb Kaiser.

Robert Smith Negotiates With Ticketmaster to Cancel Morrissey Tour Dates

Posted on April 13, 2023 by Audrey Vieira

CRAWLEY, West Sussex — The Cure frontman and monopoly-challenging hero Robert Smith negotiated with Ticketmaster to cancel Morrissey’s planned U.S. tour, sources relieved to get their money back confirmed.

“It’s sickening how Morrissey keeps announcing shows with sky-high ticket prices just to storm offstage as soon as his paycheck clears. Worse, sometimes he actually shows up and subjects people to his ignorant drivel,” said Smith while looking out the window wistfully on a rainy day. “Working with Ticketmaster to cancel his tour prevents fans from getting ripped off, allowing them to see better bands for lower prices. I wish I could do more — I wanted to throw in a coupon for Johnny Marr tickets before Ticketmaster threatened to make up the difference with more of their ridiculous fees — but I’m still glad to give Morrissey a taste of his own medicine.”

Morrissey was blindsided by news of Smith’s actions upon learning of the cancellation via email.

“Canceling shows is one of my favorite activities, so you can imagine my horror upon learning that whinge bag from The Cure colluded with Ticketmaster to pull the plug on my tour before I could,” the singer said while angrily putting his shirt back on. “The smug bastards even told me of their betrayal with a scathing message about how ‘This is all thanks to Robert Smith.’ Even my bloody manager is on his side because it saves him from calling the venues himself. I haven’t been this upset since my local haberdashery started selling leather goods.”

Ticketmaster representative Craig Martin was more than happy to fulfill Smith’s request.

“It’s not every day Ticketmaster gets to make a customer happy, let alone earn praise from Robert Smith,” Martin admitted while calculating new methods of nickel-and-diming concertgoers. “But now we don’t owe him any more favors and our PR team gets glowing press for the first time in decades. It’s not like we were going to profit off Morrissey’s tour dates anyway. Even when he actually shows up, unhappy customers call us to demand their money back. We never get complaints about The Cure’s performances and we make more than enough from merch cuts to compensate for their low-cost tickets.”

At press time, Smith began yet another round of negotiations with his lipstick provider to get a cheaper price if he buys in bulk.

Every The Get Up Kids Albums Ranked

Posted on April 13, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

Before you get into these rankings it’s important you understand that the worst album from The Get Up Kids is still better than 90% of the other “emo” bands of the era. The Get Up Kids are on the Mount Rushmore of emo bands, and I’m not talking about the Myspace/Hot Topic emo that turned the entire genre into a punchline to be ridiculed by guys named Luke who drive a Jeep and pose for Christmas photos holding various assault rifles. Anyway, let’s get into it.

6. On a Wire (2002)

In 2002 The Get Up Kids were riding high. Emo music was about to take over every high school drama department, they had just toured with Weezer (who were still somewhat respectable at the time), and they were flirting with the mainstream. Then they released “On a Wire.” It’s like your favorite team had just won the championship, and then the next season they came back, filled the water jug with liquid shit, and started devouring the diarrhea in front of everyone. I’ve lost the thread here, but this album isn’t their best.

Play it again: “Campfire Kansas”
Skip it: All other songs on the album

5. Guilt Show (2004)

This is by no means a bad album, in fact if it’s the first The Get Up Kids album you ever heard you probably have a fondness for it, but unfortunately you’re wrong and you need to understand that. “Guilt Show” just lacks the special sauce that makes TGUK so replayable. The tempo is a bit too slow, there seems to be a country twang to the whole thing, and for that reason, it’s low on this official list.

Play it again: “How Long is Too Long”
Skip it: “Sick In Her Skin”

4. There Are Rules (2011)

This is the biggest departure stylistically for The Get Up Kids, but it makes sense in its own way. You can hear The Pixies, Failure, and new wave influences throughout, and I’m just going to assume The Get Up Kids kids are fans of those bands and new wave in general. If I’m wrong then I’ll eat a car tire. The entire fucking tire, steel band and all. I’m being serious, if you can provide me with written proof that I am wrong then we can go to the Costco Tire Center by my house and I’ll start chowing down. No condiments, no water, all rubber, and metal.

Play it again: “Tithe”
Skip it: Rally ‘Round the Fool

Honorable Mention: Eudora (2001)

Unfortunately, compilation albums aren’t allowed to be ranked. Including them in a rankings list will often get you on some sort of terrorist watch list. But we are going to try to sneak this under the radar, and hopefully next time I fly I’m not subjected to a full cavity search. This comp has a lot of B-sides and covers. Some of the covers are arguably better than the originals, others are a waste of time entirely. Sidenote, I got banned from the mall for stealing this CD before an orthodontist appointment back in 2001. The good old days.

Play it again: “Close to Me”
Skip it: “Beer for Breakfast” (No self-respecting straight edge person actually listens to this cover)

3. Problems (2019)

That’s right, it’s not often a band’s newest album is this high on a list. But, for the most part, the Get Up Kids had a return to form with “Problems.” The majority of the songs are upbeat, Matt Pryor is really belting out those lyrics, and if this was an album that came out during the time people were forced to listen to CDs I’d know every lyric, but since streaming ruins everything I never think to listen to it, still good though.

Play it again: “The Advocate”
Skip it: “Waking Up Alone”

Honorable Mention: The EP’s: Red Letter Day & Woodson (2001)

“Woodson” is the first music The Get Up Kids released and it’s got more of an edge. The songs are yelled a little bit more than they are sung, and it’s amazing. “Red Letter Day” is the first release featuring James Dewees on keyboards and it took The Get Up Kids from a good band, to a great band. Also, I had a friend who claims he dated the woman “Mass Pike” was written about. I think he’s a liar, but don’t let that ruin this collection of songs for you.

Play it again: “Second Place”
Skip it: Listen to every song, it won’t take long.

2. Four Minute Mile (1997)

The Get Up Kids came out of the gate firing with their debut album. When I listened to this album as a 16-year-old I thought the guys in the band had lived multiple lives. They sang about lost love, setting off on your own, and creating your own life. Then I learn they were still teenagers when they wrote it and it made me realize I had done nothing with my life, and because I’m consistent, I’ve still done nothing with my life, and this album is a brutal reminder of that.

Play it again: “No Love”
Skip it: “Michelle with One ‘L’”

1. Something to Write Home About (1999)

You already knew this was going to be ranked number 1. This is as close to perfect of an album as you can get. Catchy hooks, singalongs, songs you can put on a mixtape and not feel like a complete tool, it has it all. And don’t pretend you never drove home alone on a Friday night in the car you inherited from your grandma after her untimely death screaming all the words to “Out of Reach” and thinking to yourself “I’ll be alone forever.” We’ve all been there.

Play it again: “Holiday”
Skip it: There are no songs you can skip, but maybe you can stop listening after “Close to Home” if you aren’t in the mood for a slow song.