PRINCETON, N.J. — Top scientists from around the nation are reportedly perplexed beyond belief upon discovering that the band Touchstone Phone’s later material miraculously exceeds the quality of their early stuff, disconcerted sources reluctantly confirmed.
“It defies all scientific precedent. I feel like I’m dreaming. We’re so used to a band’s early stuff being what’s most solid, but to find a group where it’s the other way around? I had to call a summit immediately,” said Princeton research scientist Dr. Desmond Pilsner. “We had them play their latest release, to wild applause, and then switch to a few cuts off their debut, which had a lot of the foremost scientific brains in the world rushing to the bathroom to vomit. It was fascinating.”
Touchstone Phone members report a palpable disappointment in their earlier work being so dismissed by the country’s greatest minds.
“Come on, it’s not that insane that we’d grow as a band. Those eggheads are taking things too far. Plus, our first few albums kick ass, I don’t care what they say,” asserted primary songwriter Dion Jarmis, from his sterilized laboratory holding cell. “And on top of everything, there are tons of examples of bands whose later stuff is better than their early stuff, and once I think of the name of one, I’m going to shove it right up their stethoscopes. Man, it’s gonna be sweet.”
Local physician Dr. Francine Frickes identifies with the band’s frustration.
“I can relate with their struggle, for sure. I’m in the same boat, nobody seems to want archaic medical treatment anymore, ” said Dr. Frickes. “They just want the latest stuff, like top of the line x-ray equipment, and pills that actually, y’know, cure things. Goodness, what I wouldn’t give to break out the leeches and perform a good ol’ fashioned blood-letting, or give someone anesthesia via wooden mallet. But, until a retro medicinal craze sweeps the nation, I guess I’ll keep playing the latest hits.”
Upon release from the lab, Touchstone Phone promptly quit the music business and decided to become chefs who are “really good at preparing dinner and horrible at making breakfast.”