CRAWLEY, West Sussex — The Cure frontman and monopoly-challenging hero Robert Smith negotiated with Ticketmaster to cancel Morrissey’s planned U.S. tour, sources relieved to get their money back confirmed.
“It’s sickening how Morrissey keeps announcing shows with sky-high ticket prices just to storm offstage as soon as his paycheck clears. Worse, sometimes he actually shows up and subjects people to his ignorant drivel,” said Smith while looking out the window wistfully on a rainy day. “Working with Ticketmaster to cancel his tour prevents fans from getting ripped off, allowing them to see better bands for lower prices. I wish I could do more — I wanted to throw in a coupon for Johnny Marr tickets before Ticketmaster threatened to make up the difference with more of their ridiculous fees — but I’m still glad to give Morrissey a taste of his own medicine.”
Morrissey was blindsided by news of Smith’s actions upon learning of the cancellation via email.
“Canceling shows is one of my favorite activities, so you can imagine my horror upon learning that whinge bag from The Cure colluded with Ticketmaster to pull the plug on my tour before I could,” the singer said while angrily putting his shirt back on. “The smug bastards even told me of their betrayal with a scathing message about how ‘This is all thanks to Robert Smith.’ Even my bloody manager is on his side because it saves him from calling the venues himself. I haven’t been this upset since my local haberdashery started selling leather goods.”
Ticketmaster representative Craig Martin was more than happy to fulfill Smith’s request.
“It’s not every day Ticketmaster gets to make a customer happy, let alone earn praise from Robert Smith,” Martin admitted while calculating new methods of nickel-and-diming concertgoers. “But now we don’t owe him any more favors and our PR team gets glowing press for the first time in decades. It’s not like we were going to profit off Morrissey’s tour dates anyway. Even when he actually shows up, unhappy customers call us to demand their money back. We never get complaints about The Cure’s performances and we make more than enough from merch cuts to compensate for their low-cost tickets.”
At press time, Smith began yet another round of negotiations with his lipstick provider to get a cheaper price if he buys in bulk.