Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: “Halloween” is a Christmas Movie

Posted on October 24, 2020 by James Knapp

As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m not talking about some plebeian choice like “Die Hard.” No, my favorite Christmas movie is “Halloween.”

I wouldn’t expect any of you non-intellectuals to understand what I’m talking about. Right now I’m sure you’re all mouths agape like “what do you mean the John Carpenter classic film ‘Halloween’ is a Christmas movie?” Well maybe I can try to explain it to you; it might help if I don’t use any big words that’ll confuse you.

You see, Halloween is clearly an allegory for the resurrection of the Christ, with the character of the seven-foot-tall, mute serial murderer Michael Myers serving as a clever stand-in for Jesus. I’m actually surprised so few people have noticed this. I mean, Jesus Myers gets killed like six times in that movie and he always gets back up. Granted, he does kill like ten teenagers; but no one knows for sure that the king of kings didn’t have a body count as well. Wait, is Jesus resurrected on Christmas or Easter?

Okay, so maybe that isn’t it. But Halloween is definitely a Christmas movie, I just need to remember how this made sense when I was stoned.

Maybe Myers is more of a metaphor for Christmas’s pagan origins fighting back against the corporatization of the holiday. That’s probably something, right? I mean, Michael only kills hedonistic, sexually liberated young townies so… on second thought maybe the teenagers are the pagans. Fuck it. That’s nothing.

I swear this made way more sense in my head before I started writing it out. It’s probably that it’s just way too clever to even put into words. Yeah, that’s it. How the hell did this work?

Krampus! Michael Myers is Krampus. No one can debate that. He’s going around punishing people because they… uh… got high? Were irresponsible babysitters? Had hospital hot tub sex…maybe? Look, nobody said the Krampus legend made sense either, so I think this is as close as we’re gonna get.

Well, there you have it. Halloween is a Christmas movie. I’d like to see any of you goonie “Die Hard” fans try to top that one.

Lengthy Text Calling Out Parent’s Racism Changed to “haha” at Last Minute

Posted on October 24, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local millennial David Hickman Jr. very nearly sent his father a lengthy, impassioned explanation yesterday of why his allegedly “harmless jokes” about race were extremely problematic, before ultimately deleting every word and simply sending, “haha.”

“My dad’s not a hateful person, but it’s like his sense of humor never evolved past a Henny Youngman joke book from 70 years ago. And ever since he learned to text, I’m inundated with jokes about what would happen if a Jew and Chinese guy walked into a bar, or memes of Trump arresting Dora the Explorer,” said Hickman Jr. “I really am going to confront him about it… it’s just, whenever I think it might be a good time, I remember I also need to ask to borrow money.”

For his part, David Hickman Sr. insisted he’s “just goofin” and that his jokes are “no big deal.”

“When did everyone get so sensitive? Back in my day, people were allowed to joke around without the PC police taking you downtown. I’m not a bigot — I hate everyone equally,” Hickman Sr. said before heartily laughing at his own joke. “I’m sure glad my son isn’t one of these ‘woke types’ with no sense of humor. In fact, I probably wouldn’t text him so often, but he seems to really get a kick out of all my jokes.”

Family psychologist Dr. Aamir Hoffman recommended a more unorthodox approach for confronting parents over problematic behavior.

“While, yes, it is on all of us to call out racism, Baby Boomers are simply lost causes, and we will all be better off when they finally die,” said Hoffman. “And while murder is certainly illegal, there’s no law saying you can’t gently push them in the right direction. For instance, we could convince Boomers seatbelts are a liberal hoax. Or — and although it’s unproven that drinking from aluminum cans can cause dementia — it certainly wouldn’t hurt to ply them with Diet Coke. At least it’ll make them fat and immobile, right?”

Currently, Hickman Jr. is choosing a date after Christmas 2022 but long before his family’s summer vacation to confront his dad about his casual racism and his mom about her incessant “Minions” memes.

Study Reveals Men 90% More Likely To Believe in Astrology if You’re Hot

Posted on October 24, 2020 by Courtney Baka

A recent study conducted by the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sociology revealed that men are upwards of 90% more likely to believe in astrology if the woman presenting said astrology is, in fact, an absolute fucking smokeshow.

“We expected there to be a correlation,” study coordinator James Phillips said. “Historically, the opinions of attractive people are held to far less scrutiny than the beliefs held by those whose faces resemble a punchable pile of shit.”

The study, as described by Phillips, was relatively simple. Male test subjects were presented with astrological information regarding their own birth charts by two different astrologers. Next, they were asked to rate what percentage of the reading they believed to be accurate.

“When the information was presented by a large, hairy male astrologer, nearly every subject displayed complete disinterest,” sighed Phillips who, during the experiment, played the part of ‘hairy astrologer’ despite not volunteering for the role. “However, when that same information was presented by an astrologer scientifically categorized as ‘attractive’—a term I now find quite subjective—the subjects were not only interested, but willing to modify their entire belief system.”

Amazing! And these findings were just the beginning. We learned even more from some subjects during our post-experiment interview.

“It’s crazy,” said research participant Alex Kirkland. “I always thought astrology was a bunch of bullshit. Then I met that hot lady. She said I have Venus in Scorpio, which is very dark and sexual. She said it probably makes me a very passionate lover. I didn’t believe in this stuff before but that’s, like, totally me.”

Punk House Cat Turns Out to be Opossum

Posted on October 24, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

SACRAMENTO — Local punk house staple and thought to be beloved cat GG Mewollin is actually an opossum, veterinary sources confirmed.

“GG is a fucking badass cat — she’d rather rummage through the trash than eat that bougie fancy cat food,” said Stephanie Bayat, GG’s main caretaker. “But I guess the fact that she’s a nocturnal marsupial makes more sense: she chews off all her collars, and likes hissing a lot. When GG had her babies, she wouldn’t let me near them and even made this DIY pouch-thing to keep them in. What a cool kitty.”

The discovery was made after GG and the nine babies clinging to her back were admitted for a spay appointment, where they were instantly identified by veterinary staff and every dog in the waiting room as opossums.

“This isn’t uncommon, especially with such bad lighting in punk houses,” said veterinary assistant Lynn Harjo. “A few times a month I have to tell some poor kids that they’ve been keeping things like opossums, raccoons, or even very large rats in the house. I find that calling it a ‘poser cat’ makes it easier for them to take the news. Oftentimes, they choose to keep the opossum, and all we can do is simply encourage them to not take it to protests or court dates.”

After arriving home from the vet, a house meeting was called to figure out how to opossum-proof their living quarters to help GG be more comfortable.

“We learned that opossums don’t like bright lights, which sucks because we have all the windows covered in foil. And they don’t like loud noises, which is cool because Stephanie sold her drum kit to pay off her parking tickets,” said roommate Kim McHale. “Apparently, they’re not supposed to drink alcohol, which is news to me — GG Meowlin loves whiskey, so we’ll meet in the middle and make sure she doesn’t drink anything stronger than a craft beer.”

At press time, GG Meowllin was chewing into a childproof container of weed while ignoring the brand new catnip toy next to her, like the badass she is.

Trump Criticized for Diverting Funding From Everybody Votes Channel to Check Mii Out

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump is facing criticism from Democratic leaders after announcing plans to divert funding from the Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel to Check Mii Out just weeks before the election.

“Everybody Votes? Let me tell you, it’s a sham, believe me,” Trump told reporters outside the White House. “It doesn’t work and the people, they don’t even want it, okay? So I said, enough with the voting, let’s put the money into what the people want. And they tell me, what they want is to see more of my Miis. The people, they love my Miis, can’t get enough.”

According to White House aides, Trump considers the Everybody Votes channel “totally rigged” and intends to throw it out entirely. He hopes to permanently replace the voting app with Check Mii Out, which gives Wii owners the option to click a big “I like it!” button to show approval for his Mii.

“Look, the channel is a hot bed for voter fraud,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “I’ve heard stories of people registering their deceased family members’ Miis so they can vote up to six times. We can’t ensure that critical decisions like “What’s the best condiment?” are decided fairly unless we take away people’s right to vote. That’s the cornerstone of democracy.”

Detractors criticized the funding move, calling it a vanity project for the President. Several house Democrats have grown concerned that it opens the door for Trump to enact more radical measures like resurrecting Miitomo.

“This President has once again shown a blatant disregard for Americans,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “This is the same President who defunded the Wii Weather channel, because it showed the country was experiencing unusually warm temperatures. If he gets his way, he’ll come for the News channel next.”

Undeterred by criticism, Trump celebrated with his first public Mii Parade, featuring Trump’s avatar matching alongside a sea of Adolf Hitler Miis, which he claimed to know nothing about.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Game About Inescapable Hellscape Really Resonating With People Right Now For Some Reason

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Mo Mozuch

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Developers at Supergiant Games reportedly cannot pinpoint why their hit game Hades, about a man attempting over and over again to escape the depths of the underworld, has resonated so hard with fans the last few months.

“For some reason our game about relentless, futile attempts to navigate through literal pits of despair is connecting with audiences,” Supergiant Creative Director Greg Kasavin said. “It’s quite a surprise to be honest. We thought this game would tank, not soar to immediate word of mouth must-buy status.”

Kasavin explained that, although the game features fantastic level design, innovative progression mechanics and a narrative that both honors and subverts tropes within Greek mythology, the team felt it would be too depressing to really catch on. Early in development they contemplated taking a more hopeful tone.

“We thought maybe it would be better to give people some save points or introduce happier levels that would be like a break. A few fig trees would’ve been nice,” said Kasavin. “I think we decided we had come too far in the process and couldn’t turn back. None of us really understand it. Why are audiences identifying with the concept of starting each day in a fresh hell populated by familiar faces who seem resigned to fate but stay honor-bound to their mission of making you exponentially more miserable?”

Compounding the studio’s confusion is the surge they saw in Nintendo Switch sales, a console designed to go anywhere and everywhere with ease. For Kasavin, the prospect of toiling against existential uselessness seemed best suited to PC.

“I mean, sitting in an unlit room bent over a PC is how we imagined the experience should be. We never figured people would carry a device from room to room glued to a tiny screen that delivers nothing but a constant stream of disappointment and brutality,” he said. “It’s hard to imagine people doing that to themselves in their free time.”

Kasavin closed the interview by reaffirming that he had no idea why Hades was one of the top selling games of September 2020, the hottest September in Earth’s recorded history.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo Confirms Dry Bones is Uncircumcised for Some Reason

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — In a new interview with Famitsu, Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa inexplicably veered off topic to confirm that Mario villain Dry Bones is indeed uncircumcised.

“Before we discuss Hyrule Warriors, I’d like to say one thing,” Furukawa told the reporter. “You know Dry Bones, the delightful skeleton koopa from Super Mario Bros. that falls apart when you jump on him? His penis was not altered in any way at birth. The whole thing is still in one piece. I hope this clears up any confusion fans have had over the past three decades.”

Furukawa tried to turn the conversation back to Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, but Famitsu reporter Matsuo Totoya pressed Furukawa further, seemingly baffled by the implication that Dry Bones has foreskin at all.

“Wait, wait, let’s back up,” a bewildered Totoya responded. “Mr. Furukawa, Dry Bones is a skeleton koopa, is he not? By his very nature, he has no skin at all. I would believe that a living koopa would still have their foreskin intact, but surely Dry Bones’ penis is just one big bone.”

The two went on to have a long discussion about the mechanics of koopa anatomy. At one point, Furukawa explained that doctors originally tried to circumcise Dry Bones when he was born, but his foreskin immediately reformed onto his body a few seconds after being removed.

“This is only partially true,” said Dry Bones creator Shigeru Miyamoto when asked for confirmation. “Dry Bones was first introduced in Super Mario Bros. 3, which we all know is actually a play. So it is more accurate to say that the actor portraying Dry Bones in that game is uncircumcised, you see? The Dry Bones in Mario Tennis Aces has been cut.”

When asked if the announcement is at all related to Nintendo’s previous comments that Waluigi is uncircumcised, Miyamoto declined to respond, noting that no one in the company gives a shit about Waluigi anymore and were all in on Dry Bones now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

For Sale. 235 Reusable Grocery Bags. Never Used.

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Every environmentally-minded millennial knows the pain of forgetting their reusable grocery bag. Unfortunately, it’s just too easy to buy a new one once you’re at the store. You think, “who gives a flying fudge, it’s five bucks! Plus, using these bags totally saves the rainforest and halts climate change.” But after forgetting your bags once a week for years, the impact on your wallet can really add up.

Sure, I could just leave my reusable bags in the back seat but I don’t want to junk up my Mazda. Besides, that’s where I keep the spare batteries I chuck out of my car every time I cross a bridge.

Since it’s become abundantly clear that I am incapable of remembering to ever bring a reusable bag when grocery shopping, I am now putting my entire, near-mint collection up for sale. Seeing as how the bags cost me 5 bucks a pop, I’m thinking I could part with these bad boys for no less than $2,000. And yes, you must buy all of the bags. They are a complete set and they will not be broken up.

I tried to save the environment when I originally purchased these, therefore I am a very good person. Sure, technically a reusable bag requires more material and energy to create than paper. They actually have a bigger environmental impact, especially when you take into account having to buy a new one every single trip to Whole Foods.

The point is, one of you lucky ducks can be the proud owner of a fresh collection of reusable bags all for the low, low price of two grand. I’m not saying you’ll kill mother nature if you don’t buy these bags, but why risk it? Decrease your canvas footprint today.

Impassioned Facebook Departure Announcement Seen by Dozens of People Who Cannot Recall How in the Fuck They Know This Person

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Krissy Howard

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — A heartfelt and impassioned announcement from Facebook user Glenn Davies today left dozens scratching their heads wondering how in the fuck they ever connected with that guy, disaffected sources report.

“The close friendships I’ve developed and maintained on my social media platforms mean a lot to me, and as much as I would love to stay connected and keep everyone up to date on my life, I need to do what’s best for me and take a step back,” said Davies, who the majority of people scrolling through cannot recall ever meeting. “It’s an abrupt departure, and I owe it to everyone to send myself off properly… which can only be done with a 250-word, multi-paragraph goodbye in which I only talk about myself and my dog, who is a rescue.”

Those exposed to the announcement were largely unamused and at least as disengaged as they had been for the duration of their entire online relationship.

“I feel like I probably worked with him at some point within the last 16 years, or maybe I dated one of his roommates when I lived in Seattle… or maybe I used to see him at a poetry open mic? I have no fucking clue. I actually already forgot his name, which I read for the first time yesterday,” said Rose Tilley-Kranz, who read exactly two words of the intimate post. “He actually slipped so far under the radar that I hadn’t even unfollowed him over the years. Hope whatever he was talking about works out, I guess.”

Despite the general disinterest in the gratuitous goodbye, some took the news rather hard.

“I have absolutely no idea who Glenn is, but fortunately, thank God, I was able to take a look at his profile before he deletes it, and I really regret not doing so sooner,” said Facebook user and generally lonely person Daryl Calderon. “I just wish he gave all of us a real shot, and it didn’t end before we really got a chance to see if it could have been a real Facebook friendship. At least, not like this.”

Davies was last seen drafting an even longer statement, explaining to his devoted followers why he’s decided to stay on Facebook after all.

Opinion: I’m Whichever Gender Gets Me the Most Poon Tang

Posted on October 23, 2020 by Freelancer

It’s not my job to educate you. It’s your job to stop being ignorant. I understand that it’s easier for you to divide everyone you meet into two categories and call it a day but not everyone conforms to your narrow-ass view. I didn’t tell you my preferred pronouns so don’t call me a man and don’t call me a woman, either. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely a cis, hetero man and I will punch anyone who says otherwise. But I will say I am whichever gender lands me the most high-grade, sopping-wet trim.

I’ll say it again. It is not my job to educate you. It’s my job to always be absolutely be crushing it, vag-wise.

I’m sorry but the world doesn’t fit into concepts as absolute as black and white, and people definitely don’t all fit into just “male” or “female.” There’s like nine genders, dude. Or maybe twelve, I forget. Which one am I? I’m the one that’s absolutely slick with it, 24/7.

You’re calling me “man” because it makes you comfortable. You look at me and that’s what you see. But is that how I see myself? Maybe. But is that how the hot chick with the fishnets over there needs to see me in order to want to bang me? Who knows? So shut the fuck up, bro!

I’m sorry I don’t fit into your binary system of categorizing your fellow human beings! Do you want everyone to wear name tags for you, or something?! If that person there wore a sticker that read “Hello, I am a man” and that one there read “Hello, I am a woman” and mine read “Hello, I am up to my neck in wet hot poonany,” that would help you out a lot, huh? Well, get over yourself.

Look, it’s simple. If a girl I like says she’s not a girl but is another thing instead, I’m that thing too. And no, it doesn’t have to be the exact same other thing every time! It’s not lying. It’s called being fluid, bro. I mean, not like “gender-” fluid unless, of course, that’s the thing the most babes are into. In which case, yes, that. So, what exactly is so confusing to you?

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