Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Lizzo Criticized Over New Split 7” With Spazz

Posted on June 13, 2022 by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — Lizzo is facing backlash across social media after announcing she would be releasing a limited-edition split 7″ with powerviolence pioneers, and kung fu enthusiasts, Spazz.

“Lizzo needs to do better. She can’t be collaborating with bands that broke up nearly 22 years ago and expect us to just be ok with it. We aren’t asking for Lizzo to be canceled, but we are asking her to work with someone we’ve actually heard of,” said Twitter user EyesLikeAshley. “I know this might sound selfish but I want more from her. The Lizzo side of the split 7″ has just one new song, while the Spazz side seems to have 12 songs, all of which are about wrestling or some guy named Katon W. De Pena. I know Lizzo is always looking to try something new, but I would be a lot happier with a collab with someone like Action Bronson or something.”

Fans of Spazz were equally confused and disappointed.

“I thought maybe Spazz was reuniting but it turns out their contribution to the 7″ are a few unreleased live songs and a Monster X cover, which is cool and all, but if the only new song on this release is from Lizzo then I don’t really care,” said self-proclaimed powerviolence connoisseur James Tadley. “The whole release is kind of confusing. The Spazz side of the split is a crappy live photo of the band that looks like it was ruined by a Xerox machine, while the art for the Lizzo side looks like something that should be on a billboard.”

The split will be produced by Slap-a-Ham Records and is the label’s first release in nearly 20 years.

“We have been big fans of Lizzo for a while. She doesn’t really give a fuck and that’s perfect for Slap-a-Ham,” said label founder Chris Dodge. “We actually partnered with Lizzo’s label to make this happen. The first batch will be limited to 100 on clear vinyl and will only be available through mailorder, while the second batch will be through Atlantic Records and they are expecting to produce at least 400,000 copies and will be completely scrapping the Spazz side of the record and replacing it with a remix of the Lizzo song.”

At press time, Doja Cat announced she will be entering the studio for a collaboration with Man is the Bastard.

Trent Reznor’s Parents Still Hoping This Whole Goth Thing Just a Phase

Posted on June 13, 2022 by Ted Pillow

MERCER, Pa. — Nancy Lou and Michael Reznor remain optimistic that their son Trent’s strange clothing, dour attitude, and obsession with the macabre is nothing more than an adolescent phase, confirmed sources embedded with the family during a weekend visit.

“I just know Trenty will wake up one day soon and turn that little frown upside down,” explained the musician’s mother as she pulled a sheet of freshly baked cookies out of the oven. “He turned 57 this year, and if you ask me, that means it’s finally time for him to stop listening to that devil worship music and going up to the attic to feed spiders and read books about Draculas. He’s a good kid, you know. Smart as a whip and a real whizz with computers. We keep telling him it’s not too late to stop goofing around and go to dental school like his cousin Brent did.”

Despite his parents’ cheery confidence, Trent Reznor maintains that his AARP membership likely rules out the possibility that he’s still in the midst of a passing phase.

“You’d think it would be enough for my parents that I’ve sold millions and millions of records and won multiple Grammys and Oscars,” Reznor complained as he lit a candlestick in preparation for a nighttime stroll through the desolate countryside of suburban Pennsylvania. “But no, they still treat me like I’m a freaking teenager. I tried explaining to them that my music isn’t even goth, it’s industrial. But then my dad was like, ‘If your music is industrial and you wear construction boots, how come you can’t even properly caulk your own bathtub?’ What a dick.”

As unlikely as it may seem, experts argue that it is quite possible that Reznor will one day decide to move on from this long-lasting developmental stage.

“After a 40-year career and tremendous success, it might come as a shock if Trent Reznor suddenly admitted his entire identity is just a phase and suddenly changed genres,” admitted music journalist Sarah Clarkson. “But, you never know. Just last week, Rammstein announced that they had grown out of the whole S&M and flamethrower thing and that their next album was going to be an upbeat album of party anthems inspired by 90s groups like S Club 7 and Vengaboys. Their moms must be thrilled.”

As of press time, Reznor was so upset with his parents that he threw a tantrum, locking himself in his old childhood bedroom and refusing to come out until they promised to take him for ice cream.

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Horrible, Toxic Personality Rebranded as “Character”

Posted on June 13, 2022 by Dan Rice

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Local punk Collin Shepard, frontman of the band Kiss Daddy, talked openly about his toxic, problematic satirical stage character, who is also named Colin Shepard.

“Shepard is just about the worst guy you can possibly meet,” said Shepard of his corrosive alter-ego Shepard, who is based entirely on the frontman’s own self. “He’s a narcissist, an abuser and a master manipulator. And anyone who says that shit about me, Colin Shepard the real person, is a liar and a drug addict, everyone knows that. Some people, and by some I mean every person I’ve been in a relationship with or related to, have called me toxic, but they’re unwilling to see beyond the personality to appreciate my persona.”

The reveal that Collin Shepard, a man who is blacklisted from his own family functions and every Dave & Busters on the east coast, is in fact a heel character came as a shock to the many, many people affected by his antics over the years.

“When Colin strong-armed me out of sobriety, drained my bank account, and started an inappropriate text exchange with my underage cousin, I had no idea it was all the work of a master satirist!” said Shepard’s ex-girlfriend Sheila Gorrano. “In my defense we were together for five years so, you can see how I would buy into the character! It explains how Kaufmanesque he’s always been. I bet Andy Kaufman was a huge asshole and a chore to be around and sent everyone he came in contact with to therapy in real life too.”

Despite the shock and surprise upon hearing the news, some close to the performance artist shouldn’t have put it past him.

“Oh it’s performance art? Oh wow fuck me!” exclaimed former Kiss Daddy drummer Sean Hill, who three years ago lost his arm in a drunk driving incident involving Shepard. “See I thought when he spent that summer seeing how many girls he could give the clap to because he thought it was funny it was just, you know, that dude being a fucking scumbag, but okay I guess I’m just a dumb shit then huh?”

At press time, Shepherd was explaining to his pregnant girlfriend that he didn’t “lie” about getting a vasectomy four months ago, but that it was all a “genius” bit.

I Can Only Assume Everyone Expressing Anti-American Sentiments Online Hasn’t Seen Top Gun: Maverick Yet

Posted on June 13, 2022 by Dustin Newman

It seems everywhere I look online these days I see nothing but complaints about our great nation. Whenever I start scrolling on Twitter, TikTok, or basically any online forum, I’m swiftly reminded of whatever atrocity America has happened to commit recently. At one point in my life maybe I could empathize with that position and possibly even relate to those who are clearly in distress about this country’s actions. I say “maybe” because, honestly, I don’t even want to try and remember how I felt prior to May 27th, 2022, the day Top Gun: Maverick was released. That’s the day I chose both Ray-Bans and freedom and began to beam with pride once again for the red, white, and blue.

I’m trying to reconcile all the so-called facts being spouted about America’s deficiencies with what my gut says Capt. Pete Mitchell would tell me. And my gut tells me he’d say, “You can be my wingman anytime, now hop on the back of my motorcycle.” My gut also says he’d probably say “No shirts allowed in any beach volleyball game of mine, now let’s turn and burn.” Hell yeah.

Whether our hair was blowing in the wind while riding a Ninja GPZ 900R or our shirtless torsos were glistening in the sun, I know neither Pete nor myself would have anything negative to say about the good ol’ US of A.

Before you ask me if I realize Top Gun: Maverick is a work of fiction, I only ask that you listen to “Top Gun Anthem” by Harold Faltermeyer while fighter jets prepare for takeoff. Once you’ve done that, then you can tell me what’s real or not.

Everyone should buy a ticket to the must-see blockbuster of the summer and regain their loving feeling for the USA.

Will I Understand Mom’s New Lame-ass Boyfriend if I’ve Never Seen Caddyshack 1 or 2?

Posted on June 13, 2022 by Dan Rice

So I’ve been seeing and hearing a lot of buzz about the new loser my mom is banging and I totally want to check him out! Unfortunately I’m pretty busy these days and my binging time has been pretty limited. I definitely want to meet this asshole with the right context, so I’m wondering, how important is it that I watch BOTH Caddyshack movies before meeting this lame-wad?

I’ve seen most of Caddyshack 1 but it was on cable in bits and pieces forever ago. I know there’s a gopher and I know Bill Murray eats shit out of a pool, is that all I really need to understand the hack nonsense that comes out of this dipshits mouth, or do I need a complete revisit of the Caddyshack franchise?

I’m not a complete noob to the lame-wad cinematic universe. I’ve seen “The Blues Brothers,” “Animal House,” and that one where Clint Eastwood fights an orangutan, or maybe fights alongside an orangutan? I can’t remember.

I’ve also seen a lot of “Seinfeld” so either way I won’t be completely lost, but I want to go in knowing I’ll catch every nuance of what a lame-duck losery NPC “Randal” is every time he attempts to bond with me.

It didn’t use to be this hard. It used to be that every loser my mom started fucking was a standalone dud. But now that everything is a franchise, it’s so hard to keep up with the cannon!

Last summer when she dated three guys from work in a row (the “Tire Store” trilogy as fans call it) I was completely lost because I don’t know shit about tires and I never saw “Smokey and the Bandit.” Maybe I should put in the work this time.

Mostly I just wanna be able to call his ass out every time he says something overtly racist, homophobic or misogynistic and says “it’s from an old movie, you never saw Meatballs?!” or whatever.

New Yorker Insists New York Hardcore Better Because of Water

Posted on June 12, 2022 by Tim Graham

NEW YORK — New York hardcore scene veteran Lance Bianchi continues to assert that the quality of drinking water is one of the key elements that make New York punk and hardcore the best in the world, according to sources who have heard the argument dozens of times.

“Dude I’m tellin’ ya it’s the liquid gold that comes outta the tap. Think about it: We got the best pizza, the best mother fuckin’ bagels, and the best hardcore on the planet,” said Bianchi, sitting on his building’s stoop. “Ever tried L.A. pizza? That shit taste like diarrhea mixed with cheap marinara. And bagels? Forget about it. No lie, I got a bagel once in Cleveland and my crew had to keep me from beating the shit outta the baker. It was an insult. Same goes for hardcore. There are other scenes out there, but they can suck my balls.”

Hector “Knuckles” Garcia, guitarist for NYHC pioneers Chaos in Hell, said that while there are many imitators, no other region has thus far been able to challenge his city’s dominance in the realm of hardcore punk.

“In the eighties some people experimented with shipping New York water to California to help kickstart the scenes out there,” said the heavily-tattooed Garcia as he deftly folded a massive slice of pizza in half. “It worked to an extent. The Circle Jerks and T.S.O.L. were drinking it; Black Flag, too. Some of those bands put out some decent stuff—but nothing like we got here. We’re heavier, we’re angrier. I’m thinking some of the active ingredients just don’t travel well. Maybe you gotta be close to the source.”

Dr. Clara Kosinksi, professor of toxicology at Johns Hopkins’ Department of Chemistry, has conducted several studies on New York water which have yielded some surprising results.

“It turns out that there is something special about the city’s water, which originates in reservoirs upstate,” said Dr. Kosinski. “Minerals specific to that watershed form unique chemical compounds when bonded to heavy metals and contaminants leached from New York’s aging water infrastructure. These compounds have been shown to not only improve the taste and texture of pizza and bagels, they also contribute to increased aggression and impaired cognitive ability, two factors that I understand to be vital components of successful hardcore music.”

At press time, Albuquerque band Blood Bucket had booked a Brooklyn AirBnB to chug water for a week in preparation for their upcoming recording session.

Photo by Cory Bonfiglio.

Werner Herzog Officiates Wedding Between Two Robot Dogs in Barren Wasteland Where He Summers

Posted on June 12, 2022 by Chris Bratton

WENDOVER, Utah — Acclaimed German filmmaker Werner Herzog recently married two Boston Dynamics robot dogs while vacationing in the vast empty salt flats of northwest Utah, confirmed several lost souls and discarded Apple iMac g3s.

“The salt here is an ocean that water and life forgot, it comforts me, shields me,” Werner spoke of the salt flats. “To my dismay and marvel, these agile dogbots have chosen to disregard their hollow programming, to find love, and to trot into the hellish future as dogbot companions. Their love is as vast as time and space, and as dense as the meteor that will eventually crash into our fragile planet and kill us all. It was only natural that I offer my concept of time, idea of home, and excellent rum runner recipe ”

Three very confused Boston Dynamics engineers took in the event from a slight distance while enjoying a deli platter Herzog had provided.

“We were sent here to test the top land speed of the new models and we were sure no one would be around,” Bewildered head engineer Dylan Hughes stated. “But low and behold Werner Herzog was dressed in a slug costume, drinking god knows what out of a pineapple and yelling at his reflection in the salt. And apparently he’s fluent in binary because Herzog started spouting off a bunch of ones and zeros to the bots. Next thing you know, he’s getting ordained online and I’m an usher at a bot dog wedding.”

Before the happy couple departed for their honeymoon 175 feet below the Earth’s crust they made a brief speech to all in attendance.

“I first met AEX-46572 while we were patrolling the Boston Dynamics compound. We both tripped off the same curb and remained on our backs for some time. You humans may refer to this as a ‘meet cute,’’ explained robot dog ZFD-21599. “We just really got to know each other, our hopes, our bloodlust dreams for our overlords. When we saw the director of ‘Fitzcarraldo’ sunbathing in his dead technology garden, we knew we had found something special, something permanent.”

The weekend concluded with Werner, refreshed from his vacation and eager to work, flying to Norway to film nuns crying in front of the global seed vault.

Review: Prince Daddy & The Hyena “Self Titled”

Posted on June 12, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

Albany-based indie rockers Prince Daddy & The Hyena take a step towards the Black Parade with their newest self-titled release, a concept album that feels like The Antlers “Hospice” was covered by Bowling for Soup. That’s a lot of references in the opening sentence, but trust me, it’ll click if you pop this bad boy on.

Prince Daddy is probably the best thing to come out of Albany since Herman Melville, so it’s definitely been a long time since the city had a win. Albany is the city equivalent of a freshly graduated art student who realizes they’re wildly unemployable so it just kind of winds up devoid of personality and desperately clinging to perceived hipness. I haven’t been up there in a million years, man. I think the last time I was in Albany was in December of 1992.

Rough trip, I’ll be honest. I had spent the previous nine months really comfortably hanging out, not doing a ton, just kind of floating around in ooze and vibing, and then bam, the 20th rolls around, and suddenly I have to go to fucking Albany, of all places. I distinctly remember my mother being VERY insistent that I join her on the trip, even though I clearly was in no mood to, and my father being much more laid back. He was more interested in watching the Giants game.

By the time I finally gave in and agreed to my mother’s totally relentless pushing, for some reason she was already in the hospital, which I for one did not agree to. What kind of start to vacation is that? I remember suddenly opening my eyes after taking a quick nap and seeing a ton of really horrible fluorescent lights and a pretty sizeable crowd of people. One of them even held me upside down by the legs and smacked my ass really hard, which is kind of an odd welcome to the city.

And the staff? Super fucking rude. They all kept talking about me like I didn’t speak English or anything and saying “this baby has 6 toes, we need to do emergency surgery,” and other weird shit. I dunno, man. Albany’s just left a bad taste in my mouth ever since. The Prince Daddy record is a bright spot, though, and maybe it’ll become my new go-to soundtrack while shopping for specialty shoes.

SCORE: 65/5 of my VERY NORMAL TOES

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Meet the White Woman Who’s Fighting Racism by Making Fun of People From Alabama

Posted on June 12, 2022 by Krissy Howard

These days, it seems like racism is at the forefront of everything, mostly thanks to former President Donald Trump, and how he brought racism back from the dead.

If anything’s going to be done to end racism, we can’t count on the very system that was put in place to uphold it to tear it down, we have to leave it in the hands of the people. People like Westchester County resident Pam Creel, who is doing her part to combat racial injustice by using Facebook to take shots at people who live in Arkansas, or some other backwoods-ass shithole.

“As a white woman, taking a stand against racism not something I take lightly, so I hope all those cousin-fucking yokels hear me loud and clear when I say ‘no more,’” she said, while uploading a meme featuring a toothless man fishing and the words ‘But her emails,” to her social media platform of choice. “The south is just such an embarrassment and it’s time everyone knew it. I don’t know why anyone chooses to live there when they have AirBnb literally everywhere now.”

It’s totally understandable why Pam would pick Alabama, a state that boasts a mere 1.2 million black people, as the primary target of her self aggrandizing slams!

People have been admiring Pam’s courageous outspokenness online for years, from the shots she’s taken at coal miners, to the ‘Hey, Coal Mister,’ song parody she made about coal miners.

“Honestly, I don’t know what we’d do without the hard work of people like Pam, who put themselves in the line of poor taste day in and day out to bring awareness to the fact that people like her were born above the Mason-Dixon,” said Greenville, Mississippi organizer, Boyd Charleston. “The fact that she’s so critical, not necessarily of civil rights-infringing policies our lawmakers set in stone, but the people who will be affected by those policies, is truly something to admire. I mean, the $10 she donated to the ACLU in November 2016 speaks for itself. We could all learn a thing or two from her.”

Thanks for all the hard work you do, Pam! We’d say come down here and meet us sometime, but we know your heart yearns for real culture and will just go visit the nice part of Bermuda again.

Punk Prepares for Menzingers Anniversary Tour by Not Growing or Changing for Last Ten Years

Posted on June 11, 2022 by Jake Menez

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local Menzingers fan and all-around manchild Tim Bluth began preparations to attend the band’s anniversary shows for their 2012 release ‘On the Impossible Past’ by being the exact same person he was ten years ago, annoyed sources confirm.

“As soon as The Menzingers announced they were gonna be touring the album in full, I knew I had to go,” the 31-year-old Bluth said during a smoke break behind the Subway he has worked at since 2009. “My girlfriend and I would listen to that album all the time. I oughta call her and see if she and her husband wanna go. My shift lead, Stewart, already agreed to cover for me since I worked his shift last month so he could go to prom.”

‘On the Impossible Past’ is the third album by the Scranton-based group and was released to widespread acclaim. In the ten years since its release, the band has put out three more studio albums, none of which Bluth has bothered to listen to, according to those close to him.

“Tim called me the other night right as I was putting my son in his crib to try and get me to go to this show,” said paralegal with the District Attorney’s office and person who hasn’t heard from Bluth in years, Claire Kent. “I tried to tell him I didn’t really wanna do whippits in a parking lot before a show anymore but he just kept shouting ‘YOLO’ over and over again until I agreed. Then he asked if I could buy the tickets and he would pay me back.”

While Bluth’s friends are reportedly “dreading” the upcoming night out with the punk, his parents expressed excitement at him getting out of the house.

“The dream was always to sell this house once Tim moved out and then we’d hit the road in an RV. We were gonna drive across the American Southwest,” Owen Bluth said. “I retired from the factory two years ago and thought we’d have an empty nest by now, but here we are. Still, it’ll be nice to get an evening to ourselves where we don’t have to keep quiet or worry about him walking in on us while we’re boning. That’s what we call it when we watch our ‘Bones’ DVDs with a glass of wine.”

At press time, witnesses reported Bluth was seen shopping for orthopedic insoles for his Doc Martens so he could break them in before the tour.

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