The End of COVID? This CamelBak Bro Is Sharing Water at Festivals Again

The pandemic is officially over, everyone! Much like a groundhog seeing his shadow, we have received the final sign that COVID is coming to an end. We just saw a CamelBak bro sharing water with strangers at this music festival.

Before the Coronavirus pandemic hit in early 2020, any large-scale summer show was guaranteed to have a series of staple characters. One of which was, of course, the CamelBak Bro. He’d proudly do his rounds across festivals with a downright frightening, yet inspiring, commitment to offering his chewed-up nozzle to as many strangers as possible.

Rumor has it that these self-declared “hydro-homies” were a major player in the World Health Organization’s early calls to cancel shows altogether, claiming that one culprit alone could cause a superspreader event spanning an entire country.

Over the last two years, most considered CamelBak Bros a product of days long gone by. A fable or tall tale from the before times. That is until one was spotted sharing again, marking a dramatic shift in the world’s recovery from the pandemic.

Wearing the latest edition of CamelBak’s Motherlode 100oz pack, Trent Baker stuck out like a sore thumb in the massive turnout of the Electric Palms festival. Sporting an impressive number of ticket wristbands documenting his attendance and heroic hydration efforts at nearly every major festival of the season thus far, crowds quickly began to notice and gather around Baker to avoid spending $10 on a bottle of water.

Now that the pandemic is waning, Dr. Fauci told us to “trust your gut” when it comes to taking Coronavirus precautions. That clearly means sharing a CamelBak hose with a dude you just met in board shorts. Our sources confirm that this obviously signals the end of the COVID era. Next, we’ll most likely be welcoming back the stoner that somehow pulls off sharing a single joint with an entire audience.

“Two Beer Queers” Fighting For LGBTQ+ Recognition

NEW YORK — Nominally cisgender/heterosexual individuals with amusingly low alcohol tolerances, colloquially known as “two-beer queers,” are advocating for their place within the greater LGBTQ+ community, confirmed sources who are completely buzzed off of one hard lemonade.

“There’s always so much talk about gay and trans rights, which should be celebrated,” said Grace Marshall co-chair of the Brooklyn Two-Beer Queers Equity Initiative (BTBQEI). “But surely there’s also room to discuss the challenges we face? In the past month alone, three different bartenders have checked to make sure I’m not driving myself home after my second High Life. And then there’s the way you can hear people chuckle before you’ve even taken one sip that sadly too many of us have grown accustomed to.”

However, some in the LGBTQ+ community worry “2BQs” could potentially cause image problems.

“We have enough trouble fighting against disinformation and harmful stereotyping as it is,” said Lindsay Medford, deputy director of the Staten Island LGBTQ Community Center. “While we always aim to be as inclusive as possible, it’s not the best look to be represented by people whose ‘coming out’ story involves vomiting after chugging two Natty Lights in their friend’s basement when they were 15. And despite their name, it seems most of them don’t stop at two, either.”

Dr. Robert Presley, Associate Professor of History at New York University and author of “Mildy Intoxicating: the Hidden History of Two-Beer Queers,” says that while awareness of the 2BQ community has ‘skyrocketed’ in recent years, there’s still much work to be done in clearing up misconceptions.

“The prevailing image of a two-beer queer is that of a 20-something woman who starts singing along to music on the jukebox after a Heineken and-a-half,” said Presley. “But they’ve existed throughout time and are limited to no one gender or age group. In fact, the oldest record known dates back to Rome in the time of Caligula. A frequent guest of the emperor was noted for his habit of reciting Claudan at dinner parties after no more than two goblets of wine. And people were far more understanding then than they are now, if you can believe it.”

At press time, representatives for the BTBQEI were in the process of joining a coalition of groups advocating for people who take two hits from a bowl and start looking at their hands in amazement.

10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Based On The 1997 Film “Con Air”

Songwriters will often take inspiration from real life whether it be emotions, relationships, or the culture surrounding them. On occasions, however, music’s origins can be less expected. Said inspiration can come from the 1997 John Cusack/Nic Cage/John Malkovitch action blockbuster “Con Air.” Here are 10 songs you never even realized were inspired by, based on, or about the film.

*NSYNC — “No Strings Attached”

Strings like a relationship? Get real. They meant no strings attached like no hidden details in John Malkovitch’s deal they planned to never actually make good on, and no hidden details in the terms of release they offer Nic Cage at the end which they will actually make good on. It couldn’t be clearer.

John Lennon — “Imagine”

They told John Malkovitch he was a dreamer, but he wasn’t the only one imaging a place with no extradition policy, and above him only sky. And as the true visionary Lennon was, he wrote this song about “Con Air” 26 years before the movie even existed.

We Are The Union — “I Am Like John Cusack”

Bet you didn’t even realize the singer from We Are The Union once had to stop a group of criminals from hijacking a plane and escaping capture… she also once traveled back in time via a hot tub at an old ski resort, but that’s not where the song title came from, that was just coincidence.

Tal Bachman — “She’s So High”

Though Tal says she’s so high, he has since admitted he gender-flipped so the song would be viewed as a love song and people would not realize the real meaning, as he was referring to the dead body with a message written on it that gets thrown out of the plane so he is literally so high.

Jay-Z — “99 Problems”

You know how people refer to large vehicles with female pronouns? So are you really surprised that ‘girl problems’ is referring to the issue of John Malkovitch hijacking a plane full of convicts? If you were a coworker, wouldn’t you feel bad for the cop dealing with a ‘con air?’ I would. Even if I had 99 problems of my own, I’d still feel bad for him… son.

Fiona Apple — “Criminal”

When she says ‘what I need is a good defense,’ people thought she was referring to her own wrongdoings plaguing her emotional stability, when in reality she was referring to how Nic Cage’s character was wrongfully imprisoned and ‘needs a good defense’ because he’s starting to ‘feel like a criminal.’

Green Day — “St. Jimmy”

It’s a common misconception that the “American Idiot” rock opera was about a boy leaving his small town and getting lost in the underbelly of the city. Literally everyone knows it’s about the 1997 masterpiece “Con Air.” And never more evident than in “St. Jimmy” when he shouts ‘I am a son of a bitch and Edgar Allen Poe.’

The reprinting of the lyrics omitted the commas, but he was saying he is like Edgar, Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in “Men In Black,” Alan Grant, the archaeologist from “Jurassic Park,” and Cameron Poe, from “Con Air,” obviously.

Foo Fighter — “Learn To Fly”

Dave recently claimed the song was simple: he wanted to become a pilot… this was obviously meant to obfuscate the true meaning of the song, as he says ‘I think I need a devil to help me get this right,’ blatantly referring to how John Cusack needed to collaborate with one of the cons on the plane to ‘get things right.’

Also, the bad guys have to ‘learn to fly’ at some point because they kill the pilot, so, checkmate again.

Red Hot Chili Peppers — “Around the World”

Most people would assume that when Anthony Keidis sang “ding dang dong ding dang dong dong doo dang dong” on the outro of “Around the World” it was just more of the beefy singer’s funk-rappin’ nonsense. But in fact, Keidis said that it was actually a misquote from John Malkovich’s character “Cyrus the Virus” that he heard while watching “Con Air” with water lodged in his ears.

Carly Simon — “You’re So Vain”

While many have speculated that the piano pop classic is about Mick Jagger or Warren Beaty, among others, Simon has stated repeatedly that the “you’re” refers to Dave Chappelle’s “Con Air“ character Pinball Parker. Much to Carly’s chagrin, the lamestream media has refused to acknowledge this explanation of her song.

Noise Band Deals With Existential Crisis After Writing Hook

DENTON, Texas — All members of local noise band Conflicted Hump-Feels recently experienced an existential crisis after accidentally writing a hook during practice, sources close to the band confirmed.

“I don’t know how this could have happened,” said guitarist Sherry Huang. “We were just making a bunch of random skronks until it feels like a song. But then I accidentally played a chord. And our other guitarist tried to ruin it by playing a different chord, but they actually sounded good together. Our vocalist tried to help by yelling at random pitches, but the words started to rhyme and it actually sounded, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, ‘nice.’ In the four years we’ve been a band we have never once tried to sound pleasant in any way. It goes against everything we stand for. Next thing we know we’ll be discussing the ethics of having a chorus.”

As news of the hook spread, long-standing fans of the band shared their outrage.

“I can’t believe these fucking sellouts,” said local music fan Bennett Bauer. “People sort of know me as ‘the guy who likes things that everyone thinks are complete piles of shit.’ The movies I like suck. The food I like sucks. I even like theater. But loving this band was a crucial component of that image, and now I’m going to have to spend a ton of time rebuilding my cred.”

Veteran music promoter Ola Marquez believes the band’s inclusion of actual, listenable music may throw off more than just their immediate circle.

“When noise bands try to become competent musicians it screws up the entire scene dynamic,” said Marquez. “Conflicted Hump-Feels were horrendous, but that made my job super easy. I never had to book them because I knew that no one was going to ever show up. Now that they have hooks, people are going to start wanting them to play shows and I’m actually going to have to respond to their incessant emails about jumping on gigs. How obnoxious.”

At press time, one member of the band has already quit, stating that they did not understand how their role as scrap metal player fits in this new direction.

Photo by Jana Miller.

I Helped Load in by Carrying the Emotional Burden

How dare you say I didn’t help load in. While you were carrying that 900-pound bass cabinet down the narrow, poorly lit, iced-over stairwell, I was carrying the emotional burden of being in this band. And we all know that’s the larger load.

Oh, does your back hurt from contorting to get the kick drum down those rotted stairs that felt like they might break at any moment? Well, my back hurts from all this emotional labor for the last six weeks of us being a band. Do you even know what kind of pressure is on me right now? Way worse than the pressure put on your body getting the equipment from the van to the show and back again.

When you get to the bottom of those stairs, you can put the gear down. It doesn’t stick around for days like my emotional burden. You don’t wake up in pain, paralyzed with shooting aches at the base of your spine like I do, emotionally.

While you were setting up the gear, I was setting up a mental partition to block out the emotional burden of singing these songs. While you sat through the way-too-loud openers so they wouldn’t have to play to an empty room, I was sitting outside where it was so quiet that I could hear myself think. And you know I have ruminating thoughts.

You get to just go about your life after the gig whereas I have to continue this emotional labor all day, every day, over this hobby we choose to engage with. Oh, and since emotional labor takes such a toll on my psychological wellbeing, I think it’s only fair you pay for gas.

Crisis Actor Wants to Direct

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – Local crisis actor Alex Perkins expressed his desire to burst out from his creative cocoon and start directing false flag conspiracies, confirmed clandestine sources.

“I’ve been blessed with a long and successful acting career, but now I’m at the point in my life where I have a burning desire to step behind the camera to express my authentic self as an inauthentic storyteller,” said a beret-wearing Perkins. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved being a crisis thespian since my first role as ‘Sobbing Parent Comforted by Cop’ but just like Hollywood actors I also want to grow and try something new. Hell, if Ben Affleck can do it, how hard can it be?”

Not everyone was excited hearing Perkins’ comments about how easy he thought transitioning to the director’s chair would be, including Jean-Luc Phillipe, a renowned filmmaker of over fifty crisis productions.

“Actors are all the same! It seems like every week I hear from another actor who suddenly has an ‘inspiration’ to do what I’ve trained my entire life for,” stated an irritated Phillipe. “Crisis directing isn’t something you do on a whim, it takes years of dedication and hard work to create an illusion that will fool millions of people into believing the local shopping mall just got shot up, or that there was another bloodbath in a school. I mentored an actor once a long time ago, but the finished product was so shit that CNN almost didn’t believe it. CNN!”

A shadowy figure inside Washington who’s been orchestrating hoaxes for the Liberal Elite’s ideological endgame for years stressed the importance of staying unified for the cause.

“You think it’s easy convincing the media that a bunch of actors with pig’s blood on their faces was actually shot by a lone wolf on the subway or by an incel with an AR-15 in a theatre? The blocking alone is a nightmare! And the number of orphans we need to hire, don’t get me started on the orphans,” explained the unknown Deep State operative with the use of a voice-modulator over the phone. “Fox News and other right-wing outlets are already onto us, so it’s imperative we keep our shit tight if we’re to achieve our main goal of getting guns banned before ushering in our tyrannical New World Order on behalf of the Clintons, Gates, and Obamas. But yeah, dealing with petty actors and directors is literally the fucking worst!

At press time, Perkins was seen breaking character as “Bank Teller #3” to give the director some notes on lighting, dialogue, and the craft services spread.

Top 5 Merch Guys to Watch, Like, They’re Probably Skimming the Till

For most DIY bands, merch is a $630 per year industry, and growing when you don’t factor in inflation. Musicians on the local/small tour level depend on that money to cover travel expenses, guitar strings, and the occasional gram of weed. With so much riding on this crucial stream of revenue, it’s important to hand the cash box over to someone you trust.

Finding someone dependable whose available and willing to work extremely limited late-night hours for $20 and/or some beers is a dubious prospect. In an industry riddled with flakes, drug addicts, and psychopaths, one wrong choice can cost your band dozens of dollars in a single night.

We’ve compiled a list of the top 5 merch guys that you’re going to want to keep your eye on, as in they are shady like they will for sure steal from you.

Trevor Marsden
Ever since Trevor retired from his job as a barista at the age of 27 due to anxiety and a mysterious wrist problem his “fascist” doctor refuses to verify, he’s been more than happy to “help” local bands. Trevor is too much of a coward to steal money directly, but he will give any potential customer an ear full about how fucked up it is that they’re willing to spend $20 on a t-shirt when he’s about to get evicted.

Alex Peters
A master manipulator and 5-time amphetamine overdose champion, Alex is a merch guy you wouldn’t wish on your band’s worst enemy’s band. At the end of the night, he will hand you a cashbox with less money in it than when you handed it to him. When you confront him on this he will bombard you with excuses so frantically that for a minute you will actually believe his claim of “the math is all fucked up,” and after that minute he will be long gone.

Kelly LaPointe
Kelly is the only #GirlMerchGuy to crack our top 5, but don’t let that make you trust her! Kelly is a single mother, and if she thinks you’re about to confront her about missing money she’ll tell you exactly how hard that is before you can get a word out. It is indeed hard not to sympathize with her struggles, save for the fact that the amount of kids she claims to have keeps changing and she always seems to have cocaine.

Shifty

It’s no surprise that Shifty wound up on our list, given that he goes exclusively by “Shifty” and no one knows his real name. Plus he stabbed a dude. Don’t hire Shifty.

Dave
Or was it Don? Dan? He’s your bass player’s friend, right? Wait, your bass player is saying that they thought he was your friend? Where is that guy anyway? And Where is the cash box? Fuck.

Woman’s Guttural Vocal Ability Discovered During IUD Insertion

LOS ANGELES — Grindcore frontwoman and recent gynecological patient Lexi Tyler discovered her never-before-heard guttural vocal abilities during an IUD insertion procedure earlier this month, impressed sources confirmed.

“I was told to take a deep breath by the doctor and then next thing I knew, I was death growling my way through what felt like Satan, himself, fisting me with a flaming glove of razor blades,” said Tyler. “For years, I’ve been trying to sing like that but have only been able to scream, at best. Who knew I just needed one archaic, dangerously downplayed procedure to sound kind of like that prick from Devourment. I just feel like kind of an ass for not thinking I would need to take a pain reliever before coming here, but hey, next time we play live I’ll just need to tap into this sense memory to get the brutal vocals I’ve been searching for.”

Fellow patient Abigail Lee was in the office for an ultrasound when she heard Tyler’s vocals from down the hall.

“You usually don’t hear too much in that place other than maybe Muzak sometimes, but that visit was unreal. I heard a sound from the other room that made Corpsegrinder sound like Cocomelon. I swear my baby kicked for the first time, or maybe it was headbanging,” said Lee. “All she needed was some chugging guitar riffs, blast beats, and a soundclip from a serial killer saying something like ‘eating guts is the only thing that makes me happy, and I do it because the voice of God told me to’ then you would have a certified grindcore classic. ”

Gynecologists across the nation have seen an upswing in the amount of metal patients asking for IUDs.

“The Supreme Court has made 2016 look like a practice run, except this time I’ve got metal and some grindcore vocalists knocking down my door not only asking for them, but begging for the most brutal IUD out there,” said Dr. Angel Moore, a gynecologist in Connecticut. “However, none of the patients have even come close to matching Lexi’s vocal ability. They’ve just puked, cried, passed out, bled profusely, all the normal totally acceptable stuff for people with uteruses to go through ya know!”

At press time, Tyler’s band Toxic Shock Syndrome has been gearing up for their next gig thanks to Tyler’s lingering cramps.

Landlord Pays it Forward by Helping Tenants Apply For Food Stamps, Only Raising Rent 200%

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo, — Local landlord Montgomery Hawthorne Jr. found a way to give back to his financially struggling residents by providing easy access to Food Stamp applications with every rent hike, confirmed sources wondering if they can move back in with their parents.

“I provide a service, a much-needed service, some would call it an essential, specifically to those less fortunate than I,” stated Hawthorne while loosening his belt after a hearty meal. “These poor souls get to cram their particle board Ikea furniture into one of the lesser houses my father left me. I know that this effective tripling of the rent may be hard on them, but that’s why I included a PDF of a QR code that takes you to the government food stamps site. Some people say this work is passive. I scoff at the silly notion. It’s tough work looking up the email addresses of all my tenants every time the price goes up. Just last week I texted a pair of tenants to mow their lawn, that was exhausting.”

Tenants at one of Hawthorne’s properties reported financial devastation after their most recent rent increase, yet claim this has been their best rental experience to date.

“Honestly, the EBT application process has been a bureaucratic nightmare,” stated longtime tenant Joey Caldura. “It was pretty convenient to have the application link handy the moment we were made aware our entire food budget would be going to rent instead. I figure until it gets approved we can try skipping meals for a bit, perhaps forage some pine nuts and edible mushrooms in the backyard. One time Monty Jr. helped us fix the water heater himself instead of hiring a professional. We’re still cleaning up from the flood damage that our deposit is responsible for, but we appreciate that he got it done without immediately raising the rent to cover the costs.”

Blackstone CEO, Stephen A. Schwarzman, shared an enthusiastic outlook on the future of the symbiotic nature of tenant-landlord financial relationships.

“I encourage land barons across the nation to do slightly more than the bare minimum that is legally required,” stated Schwarzman. “Establishing these courteous and charitable deeds as standard makes it increasingly easy for proprietors to form new tax write-offs. We here at Blackstone promise to continue hoarding as much housing as possible, driving up market rates to unbelievable record highs. Tenants should rest assured these houses will be rentable until they are only mildly profitable at which case they will be converted to AirBNBs.”

At press time, landlords across the nation were “sharing the love” by paying for pet euthanasias before tenants move into pet-free housing.

How Positive Thinking, Vision Boarding and 10 Thousand Dollars Will Get You a Ticket to Burning Man

Let’s face it, everything is absolute shit right now. It seems like everyone is draped in darkness and nothing remains that can unite us. But let me reassure you that there is something out there that is still pure, open to all, and untouched by the greedy claws of capitalism. It’s called “Burning Man” and we can tell you that chill vibes will get you there, so believe it and believe in it. Also, take out about ten thousand dollars.

Positive thinking showed me that everything and nothing is a miracle, I was microdosing acid and had just chowed down a couple of caps of mushrooms. Start with hallucinogens or molly or whatever is laying around your mid-century modern bungalow. I didn’t garner the kind of positive thinking it takes to sun my taint or understand 80% of the lifestyle articles on GOOP by wearing a suit to work like my dad. But also Dads can help with that 10k so don’t use positive thinking to burn that bridge.

Next is vision boarding, don’t think about what you want but think about what you fucking need. I put a picture of a 170-foot fully furnished sprinter van with full plumbing, a fridge full of cheese, and queen size bed for example. Bam! I didn’t have to shit in the porta-potties, I always had fresh fromage and a mattress to hide my coke under.

Put up some pics of costume ideas too because you have to look fresh. I cross-referenced sexy anime aliens and spooky spiders for last year’s soiree and I ended up looking like a fucking king. That 10k? Well, I think you know by now that should be tacked up there.

Hopefully, by this point, you are self-assured that you deserve this because a lot of people want this and they are most likely poor or gross or both. That’s why you are going to need the 10k. Last year I was a little bit short so I sold my mom’s peloton to a reiki masseuse to make up the diff. The money helps out in getting a ticket, camping pass, glamper van rental, drugs, organic body paint, lambskin condoms, bottles of mead from a guy name Derrick and all the other essentials that it takes to truly experience art and music in a desert.

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