Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Art School Couple Having Trouble Choosing Which Terrible Movie They’ll Pretend to Love This Week

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Sophomore Cinema and Media Studies power couple Rumi Saito and Kyle Reynolds are having difficulty selecting a dogshit film they will spend most of the runtime pretending to love and understand no matter how terrible it is, annoyed roommates confirm.

“Tonight’s choice is difficult: ‘Citizen Kane’ or ‘American Beauty.’ I can’t decide which movie about men with mental health issues we should lose interest in halfway through. How do you choose between a post-mortem therapy session treasure hunt or the story of a creepy dad who’s trying to bang teenage girls played by a guy that was trying to bang teenage boys? They’re both such… poetically tragic portrayals of Western masculinity’s collapse, I think,” said Saito while trying to look like she gave a shit. “Most of my peers are content watching the same mindless drivel cranked out for the MCU, but I’d honestly rather dissect classic films like ‘The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie’ because the performances in that movie are far more powerful than any superhero.”

Reynolds expressed similar devotion to the power of cinematic storytelling.

“I get physically ill seeing realistic depictions of interpersonal conflict, so I’m struggling to pick which movie will fuel my simmering existential terror tonight,” Reynolds explained while gathering up popcorn, soda, and prescriptions. “Last week, we viewed Paul Thomas Anderson’s ‘There Will Be Blood,’ and watching it felt like I was being yelled at by my dad from his hospital bed all over again. The anxiety sweats and stomach ache I endured made it a masterpiece because you have to suffer debilitating amounts of intestinal pain to understand art.”

Indiana University Media Studies professor Dr. Cordett Nelson has yet to decide if Saito and Reynolds are art-savvy critics with a meta-understanding of film or if they chose the arts to score cheap drugs and bullshit their course work.

“I’m pretty sure they’re like most art students: full-of-shit-trust-fund-jackoffs, but I’ve never stopped thinking about their presentation on the futuristic—yet accurate—portrayal of lactose intolerance in ‘A Clockwork Orange,’” Dr. Nelson revealed while pretending to care about the essays he was grading. “They made me realize I had never seen someone be allergic to milk before I saw the film. Maybe they’re onto something.”

The couple was unavailable for further comment as they were snorting lines of Adderall to help them finish a class presentation establishing the neo-Marxist tenets of Minions movies.

Conservatives Demand Representation With Openly Racist Marvel Hero

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Ben Friedman

FORT MEYERS, Fla. — Conservative advocacy group Bring Back America’s Heroes petitioned Marvel to update their roster of heroes with a character who is openly and unabashedly racist, industry insiders reported.

“For too long we’ve had to endure superheroes of different races, creeds, and colors acting like they’re better than us because they can fly and have the greater good in mind. We are calling on Marvel to do the right thing and give the silent majority a superhero who believes this country was better when it was segregated,” said petition creator Hank McDonald. “It’s hard for me to believe that having super strength and wanting America’s borders to be closed indefinitely are mutually exclusive. We just want a hero in which we can see ourselves, someone who doesn’t want affordable housing built in their neighborhood.”

Signers of the petition sounded off on “woke” heroes and demanded Marvel be more inclusive of their ideology.

“You can’t go anywhere without some PC bullshit being shoved down your throat, and all these reboots have phased out solid, red-blooded American fictional men in tights. Ever since I found out the Punisher hates cops and the X-Men are some civil rights metaphorical bullshit, I’ve felt like I have no voice,” said Trevor Mills. “It’d be so easy, too. Like, what if it was someone who lives in the suburbs and patrols the US-Mexico border called ‘Texas Man’ or something. I mean I don’t read comics ‘cause they’re for fucking nerds but it would just be nice to know there’s a meta-human out there adorned in a Big Dog t-shirt and MAGA cap fighting the libs.”

Marvel executives were aware of the petition but didn’t indicate that they would be taking it seriously.

“Seems like every week some fair weather fan emails us in all caps because they saw a brown person in a cape. We want to include all walks of life and backgrounds in the MCU pantheon, but last I checked characters keen on marginalizing an entire group of people based on race were, you know, the villains,” said Marvel rep Louise Francesca. “We’ve already done standalone stories for Dr. Doom and Magneto, but if these folks are looking for something obscenely backward, they’re more than welcome to read ‘Tin Tin in the Congo’ and then promptly fuck off.”

After days of relentless pressure, Marvel announced they would release a one-off “What If?…” issue in which Peter Parker attends the University of Alabama.

How to Spot the Warning Signs Before a Friend Becomes a Real Estate Agent

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Dave McNamara

Life can be hard. The demands of school, work, our social lives, and family can make it difficult for even the most stable of us to stay afloat. So what happens when those of us who may not be that stable are dealt a blow like a breakup, getting fired, or decades of reckless behavior coming back to haunt you all at once?

For some, this can lead to a decision that no one wants to see a loved one make: becoming a real estate agent. So how can you spot the warning signs before they take that tragic step? Keep an eye out for some of these tell-tale signs before it’s too late:

Changes in appearance
– Excessive blazer usage
– Wearing dress shirts that cover up the tattoo on their forearm of two PBR cans sixty-nining one another.
– Always smelling like either TJ Maxx cologne or jasmine air spray
– Uncommon hygiene practices like actually shaving or wearing deodorant

Changes in behavior
– Having an annoyingly positive outlook on any situation
– Giving unsolicited updates on refinancing rates or constant reference to “the market”
– Actually being able to explain the concept of “escrow”
– No longer engaging in activities they once enjoyed, like sharing a gram of coke on the toilet paper dispenser at TGI Fridays on a Wednesday night

Changes in how they speak to you and others
– Constant references to ‘dormers’ or ‘backsplashes’ in other houses
– Thinly veiled racist comments on “up and coming” neighborhoods
– Referring to the 250 sq. ft basement studio they rent as “Cozy”
– Answering their phone by giving their name, not ‘sup dickhead?

Changes in what they post online
– Photos of beautiful outdoor scenes or houses accompanied by “not a bad day at the office”
– New social media accounts popping up using their actual name, not scumfuc82
– Using hashtags like #business #entrepreneur or #myvoicejustnaturallysoundslikethisihaventbeenpartyingallnight

Remember, sometimes the warning signs are not clear-cut. They might be evasive while just starting out due to shame or guilt. But without intervention, it could very easily lead to invitations to open houses you will never be able to afford or being asked to give business cards to friends and colleagues. More than anything, this dark road will usually lead to them being a total buzzkill to hang around with.

While 90% of real estate endeavors are simply phases that will pass due to a lack of skills and talent, it’s important to try to be there for your friends and loved ones before it’s too late.

“Anti-Flag Street Team 2002-2005” Punk’s Only Job Experience on Resume

Posted on August 14, 2022 by John Danek

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — 39-year-old punk Terry “Scratch” Palmer’s job hunt continued to flounder due to his resume’s sparse experience section, which consists only of time on punk band Anti-Flag’s street team, sympathetic friends reported.

“No one respects the effort I put into spreading the gospel of Anti-Flag back in the early aughts. I don’t get how that isn’t enough to get me another job,” stated Palmer, who has yet to come up with a decent explanation for his resume’s decade-and-a-half gap. “I’d awkwardly stand outside local shows, force introverts to take a flyer, and watch them throw it away four strides later. Brutal work. This was before social media made street teams obsolete, which was tough on me emotionally. I’m finally ready to re-enter the workforce, and every business keeps rejecting me. Fucking capitalists.”

Waverly Hecton, manager at 4th Street Produce, confessed that her interview with Palmer was one of the worst she’s ever conducted in her career.

“Seriously, what is a street team? I’m 26, so this sounds like some esoteric elder millennial bullshit,” recounted Hecton, who interviewed Palmer at the insistence of his mother. “Terry refused to explain what his job responsibilities were and kept repeating ‘Dude, if you weren’t there, you’ll never really understand.’ Ok, but did you handle money? Interface with the public? Use an inventory system? I had to pass. Out of curiosity, I’ve since listened to a few Anti-Flag songs. Honestly, they’re a little too preachy for my tastes.”

Career coach Mike Limmert has special experience in coaching members of the punk community on their paths to employment.

“Punks need to learn what is and isn’t a job. Booking shows in your basement does not make you an expert in ‘Hospitality Management,’” said Limmert, who recommends that all current and former punks investigate local trade schools. “Don’t claim you know ‘graphic design’ if you only ever used Photoshop to add a penis into your friend’s wedding photos. And no, loading in equipment is not manual labor experience, even if it does prove you can lift over 50 pounds. Most of these guys skipped on helping carry shit anyway.”

Palmer’s resume also listed Anti-Flag’s Justin Sane as a reference, who, when reached for comment, found no record of Palmer ever actually being a member of the street team.

STUDY: 83% Of Accidents Result From Drivers Deciphering Vanity License Plates

Posted on August 14, 2022 by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A study at the University of Rochester concluded that a staggering 83% of all traffic accidents are directly related to drivers attempting to read and decode vanity plates.

“It really didn’t come as much of a surprise when our research unveiled the correlation between unclear vanity plates and car accidents,” said Ruth Helmsley, analytics expert at the University of Rochester. “When we sent out test vehicles for our study, the results were clear and thorough. A Prius we equipped with a plate that read ‘ICUP’ was almost instantly wadded up by an F-150. While seemingly harmless, vanity plates should be used with extreme caution, and drivers should maintain a safe three-car distance from any vehicle with a unique license plate as a precaution.”

Derek Parks, the proud owner of a 2007 Honda Accord with custom plates, weighed in on his driving experiences.

“When I finally decided to settle on my choice of plates, I knew I’d be the talk of the town,” said Parks while a pile of steaming twisted metal laid behind him. “I mean, think about it: ‘AZZ4LNCH.’ It’s hysterical! Unfortunately, it was so hilarious that the semi-truck driver behind me stared at it for too long and accidentally plowed right into the back of my car. In hindsight, I probably should have just gotten a naked lady sticker or something more straightforward instead.”

Longtime New York DMV official Janet Lynch explained how the state government is reacting to the results of the study.

“We believe that the issue of vanity plate-related accidents is one to be taken seriously,” said Lynch. “The department is using our powers to limit the purchasing of custom vanity plates. One change we are implementing is that a form will need to be filled out explaining what exactly the plate is trying to say. For example, a plate reading ‘FKURMOM’ would probably not be issued anymore while one reading ‘FUCK-YOUR-MOM’ would be easily approved since it’s technically legible to fellow drivers. Basically, the message of your plate needs to be clear and direct.”

At press time, the DMV issued a formal statement warning pickup truck drivers of the increasing dangers of floppy truck nuts.

Standing the Test of Time: This Aging Singer Has Been Inappropriate With Three Generations of a Fan’s Family

Posted on August 14, 2022 by Doug Kolic

There are some things in this world that truly stand the test of time. The Pyramids of Giza, Machu Picchu, the sad Keanu meme. Well, now there’s something else we can finally add to that list. This aging singer has true musical longevity as evidenced by the fact that he’s managed to be inappropriate with three generations of one fan’s family!

That’s what makes old-school rocker “Johnny Brash” so unique. No, not his music. That’s always been dog shit. But it’s his ability to ignore boundaries and social context by acting improperly with so many fans for so many decades that puts him on the Mount Rushmore of timelessness.

Cheri Archer, the fan in question, spoke about her family’s encounters with this legendary musician. “My mom took me to see Johnny perform in ‘85 when I was a senior in high school,” stated Archer. “We tried to get an autograph from him after the show but instead he asked us our bra sizes and if we wanted to party in his limo.”

“Decades later, I took my own daughter to an outdoor music festival and, upon returning from the merch area, she told me that a disgusting old rocker driving around in a golf cart blitzed out of his mind asked her what her bra size is and if she wanted to party in his Astro van. She had no clue who he was but I sure did.”

The Hard Times attempted to contact Brash, whose real name is Walter Sapkowski, but his representative (who was clearly Walter doing a high-pitched voice) stated he was busy preparing for his upcoming trial.

Review: Tool “Undertow”

Posted on August 14, 2022 by Tim Graham

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at “Undertow” the debut album from Tool that launched them into the hearts of weirdos across the globe.

I have a confession to make: I’m not the world’s biggest Tool fan. I am, however, the third biggest Tool fan in the tri-state area, and the fifth biggest Tool fan east of the Mississippi, as confirmed via thorough vetting on the official Tool forum. That being said, I feel consummately qualified to review the greatest full-length alt-rock-prog-metal debut in history.

In case you need me to elaborate on my bona fides before continuing: I’m such a big Tool fan that I named my three sons Maynard, James and Keenan. Nothing will stop me from seeing a Tool show—not even my honeymoon. The only booze I’ll drink is Maynard’s wine. I’ll even pop on some Puscifer once in a while—not because I like them (who does?) but because of my man Maynard.

If you see a 2007 Nissan Sentra blow past you on the highway with “TOOLMAN” plates, yup, that’s me. I get such a thrill seeing the reactions of fellow Tool fans when I’m “tooling” around town. Every time I’m driving around blasting Tool, other Toolheads peep my plates and shout, “Tim the Toolman!” (don’t ask me how they know my name, but hey, I’m not complaining). Or they yell, “More power!” so I crank the volume even higher. Sometimes they’ll make a quizzical, simian grunt—a sort of “Uuuuh?” sound—which is of course a reference to the “monkey killing monkey” line from 10,000 Days’ “Right In Two.”

What I don’t get is why I keep getting asked if I’m into some dumb home improvement show from the 90s. Like I’m going to waste time watching some shitty TV program when I could be basking in my 5.1 mix of “Undertow” in the mancave, zoning out to trippy Winamp fractals on the big screen!

Hardcore Tool fans with a decalcified pineal gland like myself rank the breakthrough “Undertow” among their top albums. Sure, “Opiate” came first, but that was just an appetizer; mozzarella sticks, if you will. “Undertow” arrived on the scene like a 16-ounce Porterhouse with a pile of garlic herb mashed potatoes and ice cold Diet Orange Fanta.

Like any true Tool fan, if I hear even a few notes from “Undertow,” I’ve got to stop whatever I’m doing (sorry, babe) and listen to the whole album front to back. And yes, that includes the 14-minute hidden track of crickets chirping at the end—only a poser would skip that.

SCORE: 13 out of 11 DMT Clockwork Elves

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Eulogy Given by Henry Rollins Turns Into 45 Minute Lecture on Importance of Leg Day

Posted on August 13, 2022 by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — The funeral services for hardcore scene veteran Alex Lopez with special eulogy by Henry Rollins quickly turned into a long, intense speech on the importance of leg day in any workout regimen, sunburned sources confirmed.

“I was saddened by the news that such a respected figure in the punk scene had died,” said Henry Rollins while giving a live demonstration on quad exercises. “I believe it’s important to remember and keep fond memories of those who have passed…but it’s just as important to remember how vital our lower halves are in our workout routines. I mean, I wouldn’t want people seeing my corpse with full bustling biceps and tiny little Q-tip legs. And unfortunately, Alex’s open casket funeral was a stark reminder of that.”

Coworker and funeral attendee Allison Lee weighed in on the goings-on of the funeral procession.

“I came to pay my respects to my coworker, and I heard some angry punk guy was doing the service. Little did I know I’d be sitting through what was basically a 45-minute meatheaded Ted Talk,” explained Lee. “His delivery was a bit stern, and the pit stains on his black t-shirt were a bit distracting, but I did walk out of there really thinking about how little I focus on my calves and thighs. Never would I have thought I’d walk out of a funeral considering buying a leg press, but here I am!”

Funeral director John Greenwood explained how Henry Rollins has become a regular around the funeral home.

“Mr. Rollins has become a bit of a staple here at Greenwood’s Funeral Home whether we like it or not,” said Greenwood. “Typically, he just goes on and on clearly rehearsing some material for his spoken word. This time, however, it was a lot more touching and heartfelt. When he was up there spouting scathing remarks about Lopez and the attendee’s lackluster leg conditions, I really think he was just simply looking out for us all, despite all the pulsating veins popping from his neck and forehead suggesting otherwise.”

At press time, Henry Rollins was seen giving a stern speech to the pallbearers at the funeral on how they could enhance their abilities with a bit more chin-up reps.

How To Enjoy Making Pizza at Home Even Though It’ll Never Be as Good as the One on the Tigers Jaw Self-titled Album

Posted on August 13, 2022 by Zach Hudson

So you bought all of the gadgets. You got your pizza stone, rolling pin, and pizza cutter. You even talked your significant other into letting you dip into your shared savings for one of those gas-powered pizza ovens. You couldn’t wait to have your friends over for a slice, and for one of them to ask where you ordered from. You played that fantastical moment over and over again in your head.

But then, while you were walking to the store to buy the good flour for the dough, “Never Saw It Coming” off of Tigers Jaw’s highly acclaimed self-titled album shuffled on your Spotify. Normally you’d be thrilled to hear an old favorite, but something’s different this time. You think about the album art: an extra large, piping hot cheese pie, perfectly crafted and cut. Then you realize you’ve just been reminded of the gold standard of pizza. You know you can’t come close to competing with the master craftsman that made this absolute work of art. You start to think that maybe you should just walk home and order takeout.

Let’s get one thing straight. Your pizza is never going to be as good as that one. I mean, just look at that fucking thing. Thin, crisp crust, large foldable slices, and the perfect sauce-to-cheese ratio. Speaking of cheese, just look at the way it’s dripping off that slice. God, I bet you’d give anything to make a pizza one-tenth as perfect as that one.

Well, that’s never going to happen. And that’s ok. Don’t let inevitable disappointment stop you from doing yet another thing.

You can still enjoy making pizza at home. All you have to do is accept that you will never live up to the expectations set by a post-punk album from 2008. Make the pizza the same way you always would. Also, instead of the Self-Titled, try putting on “Spin” instead. It’s hard to be in a bad mood and dwell on your own failures while June is on. When you take the pizza out of the oven, take the time to admire your work. It’s not perfect. It may not even be good. But it’s yours. And that means something.

9 Obscure Records I Bought Instead of Providing for My Family

Posted on August 13, 2022December 9, 2025 by Chris Bowen

Record collecting is a serious game. In fact, it’s so serious that sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to satisfy the high that you get when scoring a holy grail of an LP. Here are 10 records that I decided to add to my collection instead of providing my family with the life they deserve.

Sorcery “Rocktober Blood Soundtrack”

A pretty obscure heavy soundtrack to a very obscure film. My wife and kids hate this movie, but not as much as they hated me after I bought an original copy of this LP instead of paying for that trip to Myrtle Beach like I had promised!

Misfits “Walk Among Us”

I’ve been on the lookout for an original copy of this since I was 13! Which is actually the age of my daughter whom I take to school on my bicycle pegs because I couldn’t afford to fix the family car after this!

Mercyful Fate “S/T” EP

When I came across a mint copy of the first pressing of this essential piece of metal perfection, I had to have it. Unfortunately, my wife and I had our 5th wedding anniversary around that time, but I think I made up for the lack of celebrating with a nice fancy meal with my famous homemade sloppy joe recipe (aka Hamburger Helper sprinkled over some pureed hot dogs).

Motörhead “Ace of Spades” (Copy That Lemmy Actually Snorted Cocaine Off Of)

I already had a copy of Motörhead’s Opus, but this one was special. I mean, god himself probably did coke off this exact copy! My son ended up having to go to his prom in an old “No Fear” t-shirt because of me buying it, but it was the nicest “No Fear” shirt at the whole entire prom!

M.D.C. “Millions of Dead Cops”

It was around Christmas time when the opportunity to land this bad boy came into my lap. Money was tight as it was, but I figured it was a Christmas miracle that I finally found an original press in such good shape! Besides, my kids seemed perfectly happy with the coloring restaurant placemats I got for them from a local Friendly’s. There’s kids starving in Africa, so my brats should be happy with what they got.

Iron Maiden “The Soundhouse Tapes”

This is the only 7 inch record on this list. Normally I wouldn’t do something silly like spend over $1000 on a couple of songs, but I had to pull the trigger on this one. Unfortunately, the $1000 dollars I paid for it was the last $1000 dollars grandma needed to have enough to pay for her new elbows.

Bad Brains “S/T”

Well, by no means obscure, this slab of U.S. hardcore by Bad Brains was definitely worth picking up. Even if it did mean that my youngest son has to play on his baseball team with an old welder’s glove as a mit.

Black Fate “Commander of Fate”

Who the hell is Black Fate you ask? Well I’ll tell you one thing, I scored an original pressing of this german heavy metal gem instead of buying an urn to put my father-in-law’s ashes in, so what’s that tell you?! It rules of course! It’s not like grandpa will be any less dead if his ashes are in a Folger’s can.

Danzig “S/T”

I grabbed an OG copy of this one instead of paying the vet bill for the family dog. But with hits like “Mother” and “Twist of Cain,” how can they be mad that our boy Rugby made a premature trip to doggy heaven?