SAN ANTONIO, Texas — 39-year-old punk Terry “Scratch” Palmer’s job hunt continued to flounder due to his resume’s sparse experience section, which consists only of time on punk band Anti-Flag’s street team, sympathetic friends reported.
“No one respects the effort I put into spreading the gospel of Anti-Flag back in the early aughts. I don’t get how that isn’t enough to get me another job,” stated Palmer, who has yet to come up with a decent explanation for his resume’s decade-and-a-half gap. “I’d awkwardly stand outside local shows, force introverts to take a flyer, and watch them throw it away four strides later. Brutal work. This was before social media made street teams obsolete, which was tough on me emotionally. I’m finally ready to re-enter the workforce, and every business keeps rejecting me. Fucking capitalists.”
Waverly Hecton, manager at 4th Street Produce, confessed that her interview with Palmer was one of the worst she’s ever conducted in her career.
“Seriously, what is a street team? I’m 26, so this sounds like some esoteric elder millennial bullshit,” recounted Hecton, who interviewed Palmer at the insistence of his mother. “Terry refused to explain what his job responsibilities were and kept repeating ‘Dude, if you weren’t there, you’ll never really understand.’ Ok, but did you handle money? Interface with the public? Use an inventory system? I had to pass. Out of curiosity, I’ve since listened to a few Anti-Flag songs. Honestly, they’re a little too preachy for my tastes.”
Career coach Mike Limmert has special experience in coaching members of the punk community on their paths to employment.
“Punks need to learn what is and isn’t a job. Booking shows in your basement does not make you an expert in ‘Hospitality Management,’” said Limmert, who recommends that all current and former punks investigate local trade schools. “Don’t claim you know ‘graphic design’ if you only ever used Photoshop to add a penis into your friend’s wedding photos. And no, loading in equipment is not manual labor experience, even if it does prove you can lift over 50 pounds. Most of these guys skipped on helping carry shit anyway.”
Palmer’s resume also listed Anti-Flag’s Justin Sane as a reference, who, when reached for comment, found no record of Palmer ever actually being a member of the street team.