Opinion: I Choose To Celebrate My Irish Heritage on St. Patrick’s Day by Being Incredibly Depressed

Posted on by Chris Bowen

St. Patrick’s day is the day “everyone is Irish,” and that means it’s just an excuse to get shit-house wasted or maybe see a Pogues cover band or something. But me being sober, and knowing those cover bands won’t play any Spider Stacy vocals-era Pogues songs, I choose to celebrate my ancestry by doing the second-best thing the Irish are good at: being deressed! And so can you!

You can sulk about how life has been so unfair since your cat died 8 years ago while everyone’s out doing car bombs. Or you could sit and think about how much of a disappointment to yourself you’ve become while watching Father Ted reruns. The choices are endless!

Maybe St. Paddy’s day is a family affair for you? Maybe you enjoy gathering at the table with your loved ones to eat the most visually depressing meal ever, corn beef and cabbage? Perfect! That just gives you and your Irish family the opportunity to out-depress one another! It can be a fun family bonding experience, and you get to learn a bit about each other.

Careful though, don’t open up too much or mom might start to worry.

And much like boozing it up, celebrating holidays by being depressed doesn’t have to end on St. Patrick’s day! Invited to a big Halloween shindig? Stay at home and watch a Vincent Price marathon while devouring candy in complete solitude, ignoring all attempts to get ahold of you!
Fourth of July too “fun” for your Irish tastes? Sign up for overtime and work that day! Holiday pay at your soul-crushing cesspool of anguish and depression day job instead of partying and “enjoying” things? Sign me up!

If you think about it, embracing the melancholic nature of my Irish DNA without the pain-numbing effects of alcohol might be more Irish than all the green beer on the planet! I believe that without alcohol, the stereotypical jolly ol’ leprechaun wouldn’t be singing and dancing around foolishly. He’d be laying in his little bed until 2 PM, too sad and hurt inside to give a shit about gold or much of anything at all. The true “luck of the Irish” is actually perpetual crippling bleakness!

Out of Shape Punk Switches to Weighted Cigarettes

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

PROVIDENCE— 38-year-old punk Richard Locke is trying to improve his physical fitness by switching to a brand of cigarettes heavy enough to double as a form of resistance training, skeptical sources report.

“I just feel like garbage, man,” said Locke, standing outside a bar while demonstrating his new workout routine. “I know I’m getting older, but I’m really falling apart. My skin looks terrible; my teeth and gums are going to shit. I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without hacking up a lung. I figured the only free time I have is my smoke breaks, so I’ve decided to make a change and use that time to get healthier. I’ve definitely added a little muscle, but my cardio still sucks for some reason.”

Certified personal trainer Al Joseph says that he has worked with dozens of punks, including Locke, to design fitness routines that fit their lifestyles.

“People in this scene, they don’t always thrive in a typical gym environment,” said Joseph, who says he bases his methods on evolutionary psychology. “But once you get to know them, it’s just a matter of having a conversation and figuring out what’ll work. The trickiest part is the details. For Rich, the cigs were an obvious choice for building upper body strength, but we had to get creative for leg day. Eventually, we realized that he could put the pack in his cargoes instead of his jacket pocket to make sure he was targeting all muscle groups evenly.”

Tobacco industry representatives reported that business has increased substantially thanks to poster boys like Michaels.

“The new branding has been very successful for us,” said Guy Meldrum, CEO of Reynolds American, Inc., who launched their Natural American Spi-Ripped weighted line last spring. “The ‘active lifestyle’ trend has traditionally hurt us, so it’s a relief to see that people are finally following the science and turning to cigarettes to improve their health. Plus, I don’t mind targeting anti-corporate punks as a broad demographic. By a complete coincidence, their mortality rates have skyrocketed since we introduced this product. I’m not saying that I want them dead, but, well–let’s just say our political and economic interests do not align.”

At press time, Locke confirmed that he had expanded his training regimen by switching from tallboys to full forties.

Horror Movie About Isolated Cabin Ruined by Verizon’s Unrivaled Cell Coverage

Posted on by Ted Pillow

LOS ANGELES — Netflix horror “Under the Floorboards” features a fully accurate depiction of Verizon’s industry-leading cell service, totally undercutting any suspense the film may have had, disappointed sources confirmed.

“My career is totally screwed,” admitted director Preston Evans while texting his agent. “I warned the studio, but they said Verizon was paying for ‘strategic embedded synergistic utilization,’ whatever the hell that means. The test screenings showed people were pissed off that the college kids were able to FaceTime with the Airbnb owner every time something scary happened. And audiences really, really hated that the rest of the run time was devoted to the kids using TikTok, downloading podcasts, and searching on UberEats for a Wendy’s that would deliver to a haunted cabin in the woods.”

The film, a highly anticipated adaptation of some notes a coked-up Stephen King scribbled on a napkin in 1982, received swift scorn from critics and fans alike.

“It started off well enough with the teens driving through the woods at night and showing up to the decrepit old cabin,” explained Variety critic Anna Ramos. “I tensed up when the girl went to check on the otherworldly moaning coming from the basement. And I jumped out of my seat when she found the inbred freak chained to the radiator! But then went live on Instagram to show off the horrible freak and the picture quality held up the entire time. Honestly, it was hard to be scared of the monster after he parlayed his social media buzz into an appearance on ‘The Late Late Show with James Corden.’”

Despite outcry over the film, Verizon plans to continue partnering with Netflix on the production of new films.

“Netflix is the perfect platform for Verizon to showcase our award-winning service. We are especially excited about our involvement with horror movies,” noted Verizon spokesperson Kim Chen. “They have such a passionate, extremely vocal fanbase! I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear we have a remake of ‘The Shining’ in the works. But this time,Wendy and Danny start trending on Twitter for outing Jack’s abusive gaslighting. Fortunately, he’s able to use the BetterHelp app to get matched easily with a licensed, board-accredited therapist.”

As of press time, Netflix also announced that their upcoming reboot of “Taxi Driver” will be co-produced by Lyft.

Nicole Kidman Video About Importance of Scene Unity to Run Before Hardcore Shows

Posted on by Tim Graham

PENSACOLA, Fla. — A group of show promoters commissioned Nicole Kidman to appear in a video similar to her infamous AMC ad to spread a positive message about scene unity, confirmed enraptured sources at the video’s Pensacola Sons of Italy premiere.

“I’m actually a bit of a punk fan myself,” said Kidman while bottle-feeding a baby wallaby. “We’ve got a grand history of punk and hardcore in Australia, from The Saints to Speed. So it was a no-brainer for me to cut this ad promoting solidarity and positive mental attitude in the hardcore scene. In the video, I talk about how things just seem magical at these loud, raucous shows. I really believe it when I say, ‘Somehow, getting your ribs broken and your nose kicked in feels good in a place like this.’”

DIY show promoter Gregg Bronner said that having a movie star deliver the message up front spares the audience from having to listen to long-winded speeches from singers mid-set.

“Hardcore singers will often interrupt the flow of a show with speeches about strength, perseverance, and thinking for yourself,” said Bronner as he set up a projector. “A lot of fans complain that the speeches can grind a show’s momentum to a halt. We figured we could save a lot of time by having someone with real gravitas deliver a concise, powerful message at the beginning of the night, leaving the rest of the time for the music. Yes, some of those speeches are about important topics, but let’s be honest—most of these guys aren’t exactly Winston Churchill.”

Emerson College’s Department of Communication Studies assistant director Candace McMorrow said that many subcultures are embracing the model of the Kidman spot.

“Celebrity endorsements aren’t just for watches, perfume, and liquor anymore,” said McMorrow. “We’re seeing a marked rise in the use of celebrities to deliver genre-specific messaging. For instance, Morgan Freeman recently recorded a voice-over for an emotionally-charged video celebrating the rich history of cybergoth dance. There’s also a popular PSA featuring Jennifer Coolidge on how to safely smash fluorescent tubes, which is aimed at the backyard wrestling community.”

At press time, Kidman had wrapped production on an inspiring piece about crust punks which highlights the enduring, uniquely American traditions of train-hopping and panhandling.

We Sat Down With the Remaining Members of Poison, Which Turns Out Is All of Them

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Whether it’s “Talk Dirty to Me,” “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” or “Nothin’ But a Good Time,” chances are you’re familiar with iconic glam rockers, Poison. The Hard Times was lucky enough to score an exclusive interview with these legends. Well, the ones who are still with us, of course.

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s amazing to even be in the same room as you guys. How are you all holding up?
Bret Michaels: Thanks so much for having us. I’m doing great. I’ve been on the reality TV circuit and I try to relax whenever I can.
Rikki Rockett: I’m hanging in there as always. Drumming at my age really takes it out of you.

I bet. I know it must be hard sitting here, especially after what happened to Bobby Dall.
Bobby Dall: I’m right here.

Oh, shit, sorry. I, uh, thought you, um, couldn’t make it in today. You okay?
Bobby Dall: I mean, yeah? I had back surgery but that was like 24 years ago.

Of course, yeah, that’s what I meant. I must have forgotten it was so long ago. Time flies. Anyway, you lot have had some infamous altercations over the years, including fights on stage and near-breakups. I wanted to ask. Are there any arguments with past members you regret?
C.C. DeVille: Ha! Yeah, most of those were my fault.
Bret Michaels: He was a real handful back in the day.

Right, absolutely. I actually meant something along the lines of things you may have said to some other members that you can’t take back or tell them you’re sorry now.
Rikki Rockett: Oh, we’re still in touch with Matt Smith and Richie Kotzen. They’re good guys.

And, um, they’re… in good health?
Bret Michaels: Yes?

Oh. What about the other guitarist?
C.C. DeVille: You mean Blues? Yeah man, he’s fine. He left on good terms. Apparently, he’s super into yoga and stuff now.
Rikki Rockett: I think he’s vegan, too.

That’s… that’s good news. Moving on! Do you think you’ll all ever be able to do another tour like you did in 2022, especially after what’s happened?
Bret Michaels: What’s happened?
C.C. DeVille: Did someone die?
Bobby Dall: I think they’re still stuck on my surgery.

Okay, look, I definitely was under the impression that at least one of you guys had kicked the bucket. It’s statistically likely. You are a hair metal band from the sunset strip after all.
Bret Michaels: We’re actually from Mechanicsburg, PA.

But weren’t you guys ripping lines of cocaine and driving drunk throughout the glory days of your career?
Poison: Yep.

After several minutes of silence, C.C. DeVille told me to go fuck myself before punching both me and Bret Michaels in the face for “good measure.”

Uncle Struggling to Explain How 100 gecs Descended from the Blues

Posted on by John Danek

TULSA, Okla. — Local elitist and retired CPA Ronnie Clayton really struggled to draw a musical thread relating the hyperpop sensations 100 gecs to the blues of yore, snickering family members reported.

“I’ve stomached tenuous arguments about how Imagine Dragons, Kendrick Lamar, and Adele all can be traced back to the blues, but none of Uncle Ron’s usual arguments work with 100 gecs,” stated a triumphant Polly Clayton, Ronnie’s niece and regular IT support guru. “He kept closing his eyes and trying to listen closely for a discernible chord progression in ‘800 db,’ but nothing ever came. That’s when his neck vein started bulging and he excused himself with a quiet rage I never heard before. I’m pretty sure he walked outside and smoked his first cigarette in 19 years.”

Mr. Clayton has been largely bedridden ever since hearing the chaotic track from 100 gecs’ debut album.

“It’s just…I don’t…Clapton is God, remember? John Mayall, where are you?” muttered Clayton, who boasts the world’s largest private Gibson Custom Shop Les Paul collection. “The gecs, how many? No 1-4-5 progression. No blues scale… pentatonic? Frightening. How do kids listen? It isn’t music. Only blues music. Doomed. Art. Bonamassa, save us. Dying now.”

100 gecs’ Laura Les admitted to some of the duo’s surprising influences.

“When Dylan and I started making music together, we were trying to recreate the Delta Blues of the 1920’s Mississippi. Turns out, we just aren’t really good at emulating that old sound no matter how hard we try,” explained Les, who recorded some of the first demos for “Money Machine” on an old resonator guitar. “Charley Patton and Blind Lemon Jefferson were my favorite bluesmen when I started out, and I’d like to think that some of our songs like ‘xXXi_wud_nvrstøp_üXXx’ and ‘Doritos & Fritos’ contain their musical DNA.”

An update from the family confirms that any progress in Uncle Ron’s condition has been set back by Sam Smith and Kim Petras’ Grammy performance of “Unholy.”

Sadistic One-Hit Wonder Band Clearly Getting Off on Waiting Until Encore to Play Popular Song

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

GREENSBORO, N.C. – Indie folk-rock band Wildertown Archer is taking extreme pleasure in denying their audience the satisfaction of hearing “Rhubarb Road,” their one semi-popular hit, pained concert attendees report.

“Everyone just wants to hear that one song, and they won’t let us have it no matter what,” said Matthew Jalisco-Blair, grimacing as he finished his beer and desperately tried to peer at the setlist taped to the stage in front of him. “We’ve been standing here basically getting tortured for at least 75 minutes now. And they’re just grinning weirdly and playing everything else that none of us care about or even have heard before. What a bunch of psychos.”

Wildertown Archer lead singer Nate Coomey confirmed that he and his bandmates derive significant pleasure from forcing their concert attendees to endure extended stretches of unfamiliar songs and denying them the much longed-for release of their only radio single.

“I just love the looks on their sad little faces when we really get going,” Coomey explained. “Sometimes I’ll tease them over and over. I’ll start with a few songs that have the same opening chords as ‘Rhubarb Road.’ They’ll think I’m finally easing up and then I just hold them down again. On particularly mean-spirited nights, I’ll really sock it to them with our 17-minute experimental ballad ‘Following Her Until the End of Time.’ They’re screaming in utterly helpless pain by the fourth verse.”

According to noted entertainment psychologist Dr. Laurel H. Perugini, this behavior is a classic response to one-hit-wonders’ frustrations with the unpredictability of industry success.

“They are desperate for any power,” Perugini said. “Controlling the setlist at the expense of whatever remaining fans they might have is the only thing that satisfies them. Sadly, we have found that the risk increases at least tenfold for bands whose singular minor hit appeared in a car commercial and is now referred to as ‘that one from the Hyundai ad.’”

At press time, Wildertown Archer had closed out its encore at the Cedar Stack Lounge by playing an unrecognizable falsetto remix of “Rhubarb Road” to the seven attendees left.

I Made Peace With Capitulating to Patriarchal Beauty Standards by Shoplifting All My Skincare

Posted on by Ed Saincome

Ever since I was a perfectly symmetrical, rosy-cheeked teenager without acne, I have shunned makeup and beauty products. Makeup is an oppressive tool of the patriarchy. The purpose of any “beauty” product is to maintain the lie that our value comes primarily from how we look. I vowed to never support the beauty industry and I knew that when my wrinkles came in, I would choose to age gracefully.

But as I’ve grown older and my looks have changed, I have found it more and more difficult to get ahead in life due to the perceptions of others falsely informed by my looks. As I found fewer doors opening for me at work and in my personal life, I felt the unfortunate need arise to compromise my values in service of my day-to-day happiness. I needed to start buying into the beauty industry. “Buying,” of course, being the operative word since I’ve been stealing all my beauty products.

The silver lining to living in a society with grossly contorted ideas of how women should look is that a thirty-something wearing her natural face can go completely unnoticed at the office, a party, or even the new arrivals aisle at Sephora. Just as my dignity and personhood were stripped from me by society, so too can I strip Walgreens of its toners, mousse foundations, and hyaluronic acid serums.

The makeup and beauty debate has long been a staple of feminist in-fighting. Where falls the line between Choice Feminism and straightforward adherence to harmful social norms? I can’t answer that. What I can say is that I now have a deeper understanding of the struggle, along with deeper coat pockets crammed full of retinol.

Review: Death Cab for Cutie “Asphalt Meadows”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Proto-emo indie rock group Death Cab for Cutie has been in the back pocket of sad kids across the world since their debut in 1998, which, unfortunately, is before some of you were born. Those of us who remember a world without the internet, however, are thrilled that Ben Gibbard and his crew of melancholy merry men are back with 2022’s “Asphalt Meadows,” a sprawling return to form and experiment at once.

We’re less thrilled with the fact that there are zero, and I mean zero, songs about asphalt on this record.

I’m not really sure what I expected. I guess that when I was assigned to review “Asphalt Meadows,” I was excited to dig a little deeper into the world of industrial paving. Ben Gibbard has always struck me as the kind of guy who knows the difference between asphalt, concrete, and other various types of construction materials. Boy, was I wrong. With each passing track it became increasingly clear that I’d been duped by the title of this record, and not a single fucking song on this thing has the lyrical content I was so looking forward to.

Really, the more I think about this drastic oversight, the more incensed I become. My father spent his entire life building his parking lot empire from the ground up, pulling himself up by the bootstraps literally and figuratively in order to provide for me and my 17 siblings. They didn’t call him the “Concrete King of the Tri-County Area” for nothing. He kept food on the table for us with some Asphalt Meadows of his very own, if you catch my drift. And yet—not a single fucking song to pay homage to him. Amazingly disrespectful, really.

So when I say this album is a personal affront to everything me and my family stands for, I mean it. I’m appalled. I’m furious. I’m deeply disappointed. I’m sure my father is rolling in his grave.

And frankly, I’m looking for Ben Gibbard’s home address. Please DM me any leads.

Verdict: 1 out of several federal offenses I’m looking to commit

/**/

Blood Transfusion Goes Terribly Wrong After Nurses Take Type O Negative Tattoo Literally

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — The medical staff at New York Presbyterian Hospital are facing allegations of medical malpractice after a botched blood transfusion because of a patient’s Type O Negative tattoo, confirmed outraged family members.

“What the hell do you expect,” said Brain Gates, a resident nurse working the graveyard shift. “They wheeled the guy in after he totaled his car, and we didn’t have a lot of time to get him patched up. He lost a lot of blood, and he was delirious. When prompted to tell us his blood type, he just kept shouting ‘black, black, black, black, number one,’ and I had no clue what the fuck he was talking about. I saw the Type O Negative logo on his wrist, contacted triage, and they brought up a quart of what I thought was his blood type. Listen, I’m really sorry about all of this, but he’ll probably recover in time. And if he does I’m going to ask him to edit that tattoo so this doesn’t happen again.”

Cunningham’s parents are reeling over the botched procedure, and they believe that Gates should have done a proper line check.

“Roy has all sorts of stupid tattoos, and they’re mostly for bands and comic book shit,” said father Gary Cunningham. “He also has a tattoo for the band Ghost, which I guess we could have taken literally if he didn’t wake up from his fucking coma after the procedure. This kind of lack of attention to detail in the healthcare sector is exactly why this country is going to shit. The only thing they got right with the Type O Negative incident was that the flatline on the monitor had a striking resemblance to the logo.”

Hospital administrator Gail Simmons noted that sometimes mistakes are made in emergency situations.

“Yes, we were wrong to assume Cunningham’s blood type based off of a faded tattoo with bad line work. But when an accident victim is rushed into our section of the hospital, we have to move quickly. When blood loss is already at a critical point, we don’t have time to run all the tests,” said Simmons. “Could we have used better judgment? Yes. But, the harsh reality is that when a patient is convulsing on the floor, and they have a ‘cake and sodomy’ tramp stamp, we sometimes have to assume they’re either in diabetic shock or have something stuck up their ass.”

At press time, HR was spotted asking pressing questions about the new OBGYN’s Infant Annihilator neck tat.