Press "Enter" to skip to content

Horror Movie About Isolated Cabin Ruined by Verizon’s Unrivaled Cell Coverage

LOS ANGELES — Netflix horror “Under the Floorboards” features a fully accurate depiction of Verizon’s industry-leading cell service, totally undercutting any suspense the film may have had, disappointed sources confirmed.

“My career is totally screwed,” admitted director Preston Evans while texting his agent. “I warned the studio, but they said Verizon was paying for ‘strategic embedded synergistic utilization,’ whatever the hell that means. The test screenings showed people were pissed off that the college kids were able to FaceTime with the Airbnb owner every time something scary happened. And audiences really, really hated that the rest of the run time was devoted to the kids using TikTok, downloading podcasts, and searching on UberEats for a Wendy’s that would deliver to a haunted cabin in the woods.”

The film, a highly anticipated adaptation of some notes a coked-up Stephen King scribbled on a napkin in 1982, received swift scorn from critics and fans alike.

“It started off well enough with the teens driving through the woods at night and showing up to the decrepit old cabin,” explained Variety critic Anna Ramos. “I tensed up when the girl went to check on the otherworldly moaning coming from the basement. And I jumped out of my seat when she found the inbred freak chained to the radiator! But then went live on Instagram to show off the horrible freak and the picture quality held up the entire time. Honestly, it was hard to be scared of the monster after he parlayed his social media buzz into an appearance on ‘The Late Late Show with James Corden.’”

Despite outcry over the film, Verizon plans to continue partnering with Netflix on the production of new films.

“Netflix is the perfect platform for Verizon to showcase our award-winning service. We are especially excited about our involvement with horror movies,” noted Verizon spokesperson Kim Chen. “They have such a passionate, extremely vocal fanbase! I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear we have a remake of ‘The Shining’ in the works. But this time,Wendy and Danny start trending on Twitter for outing Jack’s abusive gaslighting. Fortunately, he’s able to use the BetterHelp app to get matched easily with a licensed, board-accredited therapist.”

As of press time, Netflix also announced that their upcoming reboot of “Taxi Driver” will be co-produced by Lyft.