Progressive Bank Robbers Would Like to Start Holdup with Land Acknowledgement

Posted on by Livy Berry

DENVER — A group of left-leaning bank robbers decided to start a recent holdup by acknowledging the crime they were committing was happening on land stolen from Indigenous people, confirmed sources who agree that it is becoming more and more important to recognize our crimes of the past.

“Alright, nobody try to be a hero,” lead robber Jacob Hartley said. “But before we get this started, I’d just like to acknowledge that we are in fact on native land, and everything we have here is because of a genocide that happened years ago. With this in mind, it is our duty now to all agree to treat this land and its inhabitants as mindfully and respectfully as possible, please raise your hands if you agree. Now everybody get on the fucking ground or I’ll blow your fucking brains all over the wall!”

This simple, yet meaningful gesture was enough to catch the attention of even the hostages, despite having much more pressing matters to focus on.

“I thought it was just brilliant!” said Sandra Anders, a particularly wealthy-looking white hostage. “It really speaks to their characters that they would take the time to do something like this. Really, that is what our society needs more of! I myself try to be as inclusive as possible with the minority and lower-class children at my sons’ private school. I just wish my kids could be here now to see such incredible role models at work.”

While this act received much praise, there were some people who were not happy with this progressive attitude.

“I just don’t understand why this woke shit has gotta be everywhere these days!” Exclaimed Judd Daniels, somebody’s uncle, waiting just on the other side of the police tape. “Can’t we just get fucking on with it? Now listen, I’m perfectly fine with the Indians, but do we really have to be apologizing to them all the time? It’s not like I killed their grandparents! They seem fine! They’ve got their spaces, we’ve got ours, whatever! When is the SWAT team headed in? That’s when this shit gets good!”

At press time, Hartley was seen wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt before burglarizing a Black-owned business.

The Next Michale Graves? This Proud Boy Turns Into a Big Whiny Crybaby Every Saturday Night

Posted on by Chris Bowen

If you’re a Misfits fan, you know you have to pick a side. It’s either “Team Danzig,” or it’s “Team Graves” (because let’s face it, no one wants to be on Jerry’s team.) If you swear allegiance to the team led by the clown shoes jerk nobody likes (that isn’t Glen Danzig), then you’re in luck because there’s another right-wing, Halloween-decoration-looking whine-ass fresh on the scene!

Meet Richard Warren. Much like Graves, Warren is a vocalist. He’s the lackluster replacement singer for a band that he has no business being in, and he’s also a Proud Boy who has completely missed the point of punk music in general. Sound familiar? You bet it does! You “American Psycho” you.

But there is one thing in particular Warren does best to mirror Graves, and that’s cry like a little, wimpy Nazi bitch on the weekend.

Sure, he talks a big game during the week. What, with his “my freedoms this” and “they stole the election that.” But it’s a good thing January 6th was on a Wednesday, because had it been a Saturday, ol’ spooky-bigot-crybaby may have had to sit that one out because nobody wants to hang out with him and even his family ignores his texts.

“There was something I forgot to say, I was crying on a Saturday night,” is the famous Graves-era lyric that Warren essentially lives his life by. One could imagine lighting tiki torches by yourself on a Saturday Night because you have no friends would cause anyone to cry, even a self-proclaimed American patriot like Warren, who likes to blame all of his life’s problems on everyone else. So if you see him lonely in the backseat at the drive-in, just remember he has no one to blame for it but himself.

Maybe this has been a little harsh, maybe it’s a case of beating a man while he’s down. After all, he is spending the next 25 years in federal prison for inciting an insurrection. But Richard Warren, and Michale Graves alike have a bright future ahead of themselves with a new election coming up. Maybe they will both achieve their vision of a fascist takeover. Or maybe they’ll just be a couple of angry blat-asses. Only time will tell.

Uber Driver Named Jehu Has No Idea What 45-Year-Old Passenger Is Going On About

Posted on by Kyle Donley

FARMINGDALE, N.Y. — Uber driver Jehu Maboul had absolutely no clue what his passenger Darren Blaylock was going on about after continuous references to post-hardcore band Drive Like Jehu, befuddled sources confirmed.

“The universe works in mysterious ways,” said Blaylock before asking Maboul if it was ok to smoke a cigarette in his car during the ride. “Someone a bit more cynical might refer to this as mere coincidence, but Drive Like Jehu meant so much to me in 10th grade, ya know? This is basically equivalent to seeing the band live in 1993 or dare I say their reunion in the mid-2010s. How could this be random? Automatic five-star rating for Jehu.”

Maboul was bewildered by Blaylock the entire ride and assumed his passenger was intoxicated.

“This man sounded delirious and just started spouting word salads like ‘Yank Crime’ and ‘Bullet Train to Vegas,’” said Maboul. “He was bowing down to me and saying Fugazi was too political and Quicksand was too commercial and that he needed to call Matt because Matt would love this. Who is Matt? I do not know. When I asked Darren what he meant, he did say that Matt is more of a Hot Snakes guy, which even further confused me. But hey, he tipped me 50% in the end. Totally worth fearing for my life for the majority of that ride.”

Police pulled Maboul over at one point after he was seen swerving on the road.

“There was no indication that the driver was impaired, but the passenger kept belligerently repeating something about how Jehu drives like that. I don’t know. I couldn’t follow any of it,” said Officer Aiello. “In fact, it was the passenger who appeared to be the aggressor, and kept saying that if a seminal post-hardcore band was his namesake, he’d want to check out their seminal major label debut. We immediately performed a field sobriety test on Mr. Blaylock and had to detain him right there on the spot despite him passing our procedures. We just can’t have reckless passengers endangering the lives of rideshare drivers.”

At press time, Blaylock couldn’t believe his luck when he met a woman named June who just happened to be 44 years old, as he couldn’t help but constantly reference post-hardcore group June of 44.

Every Circa Survive Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Whether you’re a fan of old school Saosin or the potentially drugged out supergroup known as The Sound of Animals Fighting, a few things are for certain: Anthony Green is a beast on the mic, and his project Circa Survive with other insane band members on his level is very hard to categorize but chock full of incredible, incredible musicianship and crazy, crazy vocal acrobatics. While the band may sadly be on hiatus now, they may return to the public eye when you least expect it, and in the meantime, you can take a gander at any of their seven full-length studio albums to satiate your hungry AND thirsty senses. We decided to rank these records from worst to best, but we assure you that even Circa Survive’s weakest LP is better than your band’s finest.

7. Descensus (2014)

One of ‘em had to be last, sorry… Quiet down! At ten tracks lasting nearly fifty minutes, “Descensus,” Circa Survive’s fifth album, is a very enjoyable listening experience, but it sadly has the least replay value of their entire fantastic catalog. Released via Sumerian Records, then home to other forward-thinking rock acts Periphery and Born of Osiris, Circa Survive’s hybrid blend of every musical genre known to mankind, “Descensus” is so, so much more than a Google search of the actual word descensus; for a good time every time, google the word of this LP and when you’re done, try “Florida Man” and your birthday. Still, this full-length studio album got more than solid reviews from inferior publications, so we’re wrong here like we always are. In closing, Circa Survive and fellow East Coasters Coheed & Cambria always have the coolest album covers.

Play it again: “Child of the Desert”
Skip it: “Who Will Lie With Me Now”

6. Two Dreams (2022)

“Two Dreams,” Circa Survive’s lucky seventh full-length studio album not inspired by Billy Joel’s perfect tune “The River of Dreams,” and swan song as of now, consists of a combination of two EPs, 2021’s happily sounding “A Dream About Love,” and 2022’s morbid appealing “A Dream About Death”. The record was released via Rise Records at the very end of 2022, and was certainly not Rise-Core like Monster Energy Drink mainstays Sleeping With Sirens, Memphis May Fire, Of Mice & Men, and insert chugga-chugga metalcore act here. A few months prior to the release of “Two Dreams,” Circa Survive made a public statement that they were ending one form of a dream, better known as living the dream, and hanging their multi-genre hats, at least for the time being. “Two Dreams” is a stylistic evolution for the band and despite falling under the radar, deserves your attention.

Play it again: “Drift”
Skip it: “Die on the West Coast”

5. The Amulet (2017)

Circa Survive sure knows how to flirt with large and smaller labels, amirite? Want proof? Here you go: “The Amulet,” the band’s sixth full-length studio album, and first/last for Hopeless Records, then home to The Used, New Found Glory, Hands Like Houses, and your favorite and least favorite pop punk band, is certainly an improvement of its former, “Descensus,” unless you’re a total “Descensus” stan; sorry not sorry. Also, if you had a chance to catch CS on their co-headlining run with Thrice for this album cycle, you were treated to an amazing and musically insane show overall, with truly cool openers Balance and Composure and Chon. Actually, it must be said on paper, Circa Survive genuinely brings more than solid support acts on the road with ‘em. More bands should follow that strategy! At night it may get worse, but we’ll never tell a soul.

Play it again: “Lustration”
Skip it: “The Hex”

4. Violent Waves (2012)

Birth of the economic hit man with blood from a stone: “Violent Waves,” Circa Survive’s fourth full-length studio album, was kind of handicapped from the start as it followed their three best efforts front to back without a label to support it, which was a far more difficult path ten plus years ago than it is now. However, the band proved that they could overcome said stats and kill ‘em all by producing the nearly hour-long LP themselves, and showcasing their musicianship in a “live” sounding manner… And they did sales wise at number fifteen on the Billboard Top 200, and composition wise! Also, “Violent Waves” has two badass features in Rachel Minton of the underrated Zolof the Rock and Roll Destroyer on “Suitcase” and Geoff Rickley of Thursday one track later on “The Lottery;” our black scene hearts certainly figuratively won the lottery with these additions.

Play it again: “Birth of the Economic Hit Man”
Skip it: “Blood From A Stone”

3. On Letting Go (2007)

Far from a sophomore slump, but just not good enough for a gold or silver medal here in this piece, Circa Survive’s second full-length studio album and last of two for Equal Vision Records, then home to Chiodos, The Snake The Cross The Crown, Pierce The Veil, and another band name so uncool it’s cool, “On Letting Go,” contains the band’s most publicly successful Spotify song in the verbose by title alone, “The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is in the Dose”. It also acts as a slightly inferior sequel to their juggernaut debut LP “Juturna,” whatever the hell that means; we’ll get to that sooner than soon. Still, this effort likely put the cherry on the cake for their move to Atlantic Records, a major label in a world of major labels. In closing, producer Brian McTernan killed it here (and destroyed it on their first one as well)!

Play it again: “The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is in the Dose”
Skip it: “Carry Us Away”

2. Juturna (2005)

This record and the potentially surprisingly next to be listed entry have no “skip it” tracks. Zilch. Fight us. Now for our one hundred and fifty obligatory words about “Juturna” that start with three short ones: “What. A. Debut.” Seriously. We are not going to explore the drama that surrounded this band’s inception, and the fallout of another one that buried your head; you all have yahoo.com in your bookmarks that cover your houses of leaves, you know what to do at the prompt. If you remember, remember, and if you don’t, don’t. Anyway, Circa Survive’s first full-length studio album “Juturna” was quite a statement for the scene and the world hasn’t recovered since, in the best way. We’re only asking for you to give eternal props to Anthony Green, Colin Frangicetto, Brendan Ekstrom, Nick Beard, and Steve Clifford for “Juturna” and so much more!

Play it again: Ancient Rome
Skip it: Ancient Greece

1. Blue Sky Noise (2010)

It came as a shock to some that Atlantic Records would sign such a non-typical major label band like Circa Survive, but you can’t argue facts, and the band had commanding numbers that any conglomerate would kill for. Plus, they had cred, which was a solid way to attract other acts to the label whilst making ‘em seem cutting edge. Hardcore and casual fans may scoff at us ranking “Blue Sky Noise” in the gold medal spot instead of its predecessors, but you can’t argue with taste, actually, you most certainly can. Also, it’s badass that BSN was produced by David Bottrill, who sat behind the boards for classic albums from legendary acts such as Peter Gabriel, Tool, King Crimson, and Silverchair. Still, this record is their lone LP on Atlantic, which caused the band to literally get out… Sorry.

Play it again: Blue Sky
Skip it: Noise

Secret Service Considers Asking Agents Back to Office at Least Two Days a Week

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Ronald Rowe Jr, acting director of the Secret Service, held a press conference today to announce that he is heavily considering requesting all members of the Secret Service return to the office in person for at least 2 days a week following another attempt on former president Trump’s life.

“As our world returns to normal, we’re requesting that all our agents begin to guard our nation’s top political leaders in person at least two days a week,” Rowe Jr. said. “There’s something special and spontaneous about our work when we’re actually together in person diving on top of a politician. You never know what conversations or ideas can happen down there in the huddle. We know this is a big change for our #SecretFamily so in the short term we’re going to get things going by simply requesting all the human shields on salary begin turning their cameras on during the Zoom calls.”

“We can do this guys,” he added.

Not every Secret Service agent was happy with the plan.

“No one knows this but during COVID I actually took on two extra work-from-home jobs,” one Secret Service agent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “All the other guys use the little earpieces to communicate about which rooftops have been cleared or whatever. I’m usually on a weekly ‘all hands’ call for one of my other jobs doing social media marketing for an organic, sustainable shampoo company. I would keep my webcam off during my Secret Service shifts. It was never a problem until people started pointing guns at Trump.”

Critics of the plan say expanding the Secret Service’s in person work week is impractical and fiscally irresponsible.

“Have you seen the Secret Service bill when Biden goes for ice cream? We’d be better off paying Ben and Jerry themselves to come down and sing some Cold Stone style songs as they mash a Butterfinger into a sundae on the resolute desk. Which oddly enough is something The President has requested several times,” said Jane Loyd, head of accounting at the service. “It’s easy for costs to pile up. Every time the person we’re protecting uses a private jet, we need to rent a jet of the same exact caliber for us to follow behind it – and for national security purposes it’s important the leather is of the same grade and quality. The whole interior, bathroom, everything needs to be on point or these boys just can’t function the way they’re expected to.”

As of press time, rumors were swirling that the secret service would also soon politely ask employees to stop outsourcing their jobs overseas to cheap, suspiciously Russian-sounding freelancers.

Punk House Only has Junk Drawers

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — Punk house squatter Dave Giles reportedly converted virtually every open space within his home into a junk drawer, cluttered sources confirmed.

“Dave’s letting me sleep on his couch while I kick my Funko Pop addiction. I asked him if he had some walnut crackers and rubber bands so I could craft a few DIY mousetraps, and he told me to check the junk drawer,” said friend Kara Stokes. “Suddenly I was in a labyrinthine nightmare of multiple, messy drawers with no discernible order or theme. The so-called utensil drawer contained a single Flintstone’s spoon Dave got from a Fruity Pebbles box and then just a bunch of looseleaf papers featuring his blueprints for a solar-powered sex doll. I also learned the hard way about how since the toilet is broken he’s been filling up the ice cube tray ‘junk drawer.’”

Giles defended his domicile’s alleged disorganization.

“Despite the unsavory rumors you might have heard, I’ve got way more than just junk drawers. There are also several catch-all drawers, a knick-knack drawer, a few different bins of miscellaneous items, and the subterranean junk drawer, which is what I call the basement,” said Giles. “You’ve got to understand, as a Millennial, I am simply not capable of purchasing, say, a new cell phone or guitar pedal without keeping the box just in case I ever need it for some unknown reason. For example, what if I need to return it several years from now, or need to look at the user manual and don’t feel like Googling it like a normal person?”

Organizer and aspiring social media personality Emma Aoki explained how punks like Gile can transform their homes.

“As a professional organizer that works exclusively with punk houses, I’m obviously not doing it for the money. I do it because I know they need my help. Plus, they don’t have any qualms about hiring a felon,” said Aoki. “My motto is that if it doesn’t spark joy, chuck that shit over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Or if it’s a piece of old furniture covered in cigarette burns, just stick it on your patio or front porch.”

At press time, local psychologists have been taking compulsive hoarders on tours of Gile’s house in an effort to scare them straight.

Opinion: Back in My Day, We Had To Use Our Imagination When Fucking a Popcorn Bucket

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you want to know why there’s little to no originality in the entertainment we consume, look no further than your local movie theater and patient zero, the Dune popcorn bucket. What began as crude jokes online about it’s uncanny resemblance to an orifice (jury is still out on which one exactly) had Fox jumping on the bandwagon with suggestible Wolverine and Xenomorphs faces to eat out of and/or pleasure oneself.

Frankly, I find it unconscionable and disgusting because back in my day, we had to use our imagination when we wanted to have sex with a popcorn bucket.

I cannot believe society has reached the point where people are willing to pay $35 for a novelty container with a face on it. Must be so nice to have everything served on a silver platter and lubed up with artificial butter! These kids have it entirely too easy, with their jumbo popcorn buckets conveniently equipped with the trappings of something tangible to put their dicks inside. In my day you had to sneak in your own pair of scissors and cut it out yourself. It’s called building character.

I’ve tried the old “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick on a few dates, and I’d only give it two out of five stars if only because those dates ended right there and then. What actually got me through high school was seeing “Charlie’s Angels” in theaters 23 times and the limitless power of my brain. I almost believed I had a chance with Cameron Diaz, alas. But now you can just skull fuck the likeness of Hugh Jackman anytime, anywhere.

When I saw Tomb Raider, I had to crudely draw Angelina Jolie’s face onto it just to feel something, anything. And all I got was banned from every AMC in the country. And before you ask, yes I had to do it in the theater because our computer was in the family room.

Where’s the creativity or the wonder? It’s obvious why kids lack the ability to think critically or originally, and I blame it squarely on that dick-tickling Dune popcorn bucket. Once you don’t have to fire any synapses to imagine having sex with a 900 ton sand worm, civilization begins to crumble because people don’t even have to try anymore to be a weirdo pervert.

I guess that’s the price of progress.

Most Americans Giving Up The Dream of Owning 30th Anniversary Box Set

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the majority of Americans are giving up the dream of owning the 30th-anniversary box set of their favorite ‘90s record.

“This all started about three years ago with the release of the 30th anniversary of ‘Nevermind,’” explained Mark Engles while flipping through used CDs at a local Goodwill. “Little did we know, that was just the start of it. Within a few years we had 30th-anniversary sets of ‘Ten,’ ‘Dirt,’ ‘Siamese Dream’ and ‘Dookie’ and we haven’t even gotten to 1995 releases yet. I knew I had to be financially responsible, so I waited to save up for a nice down payment on a box set, but my indecision burned me in the end. I’ve been priced out of everything. I can’t even afford Mr. Big anthology collection as a first-time buyer.”

While the fans scramble to keep up, record companies have been all too happy to flood the market with box sets, some with price tags over $600.

“Once a Nirvana box set hit and we saw what people were willing to pay, we knew we had to get in on it,” said Aaron James of the Universal Music Group while making a tower out of unsold Three Doors Down CDs. “Most of the master tapes of these classic albums burned up in the Universal Fire, but we found an old hard drive with some pretty solid MP3s and just sent that down to the record pressing plant. I mean, on a Crosley USB Turntable, who’s gonna notice the fucking difference? Covid really inflated the market, but only because we can blame our price hikes on the pandemic.”

The desperate situation has boiled over into the financial services industry, creating a market for loans which present yet another problem for would-be box set owners.

“It’s the American economy at its worst, just predatory lending all over again,” said Edward Tevich of Wells Fargo’s Music Services Division. “I rarely approve loans for vinyl anymore just as a personal choice. However, I do know plenty of banks are willing to do it. I’ve seen interest rates between 12 and 14% for most loans, but they’re always higher if the box set is a Target exclusive. The short-sightedness of this whole situation is what drives me fucking nuts. Has anyone even considered what happens in a few years when we hit 30 years of Limp Bizkit or if banks start buying up all the box sets to rent them out to the public? That’s how box set crises begin.”

At press time, Tevich was said to be encouraging his team at Wells Fargo to offer loans to desperate Oasis fans.

Chromeo’s High-Heeled Keyboard Legs Switching to Sensible Dansko Clogs

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

MONTREAL — Electro-funk duo Chromeo announced that they will be swapping out their long-legged keyboards’ signature heels for Dansko clogs, which are considered the gold standard in ergonomic footwear, shocked sources report.

“In the early years of Chromeo, I’m embarrassed to say we were totally caught up in the aesthetics of romance. We thought females enjoyed expensive jewelry, ‘hot dinner in the candlelight,’ and generally pandering to the male gaze at all times,” said Chromeo singer and guitarist David “Dave 1” Macklovitch. “We saw our keyboards only as sexy finger candy and inanimate objects that didn’t experience pain, so we didn’t stop to consider their physical wellbeing. That changed when we decided to don high-heels ourselves for the ‘Juice’ music video. Those things really did a number on our feet. We realized if we couldn’t last a single day in stilettos, why would we expect our keyboards to endure them night by night? Seduction is ultimately about making someone feel good. And it turns out that those ugly-ass Dansko clogs feel amazing.”

Fans of the band are responding positively to news of the footwear change.

“It’s nice to see them evolving with the times. I started wearing Danskos and Crocs when I was like, 32,” said 40-year-old Chromeo devotee Rachel Bruder. “I always felt like those synths were being objectified. It’s about time Chromeo prioritized their comfort. And since they’re such style icons, I think this is going to make it more socially acceptable for the rest of us to rock out in rocker bottoms.”

Podiatrist Linda Droller noted that the orthopedic repercussions of high-heels are serious, and urged all genders and musical instruments to wear them minimally, if ever.

“In addition to bunions and plantar fasciitis, high-heels can throw off your gait and lead to more serious problems, like back pain, arthritis, and being called the ‘Carrie’ of the friend group,” Dr. Droller said. “Asking those poor keyboards to stand in heels at shows for hours on end was downright cruel. When a piano gets thrown out a window, it’s comedy, but when a keyboard’s legs give out onstage, it’s tragic. In the clogs, on the other hand, these ladies will be able to perform well into old age.”

At press time, Chromeo were trying hard to be supportive of the keyboards’ latest announcement: that they plan to stop shaving their legs.

Here’s Why We Should Decriminalize Watching the Next Episode of a Show That You’re Supposed To Be Watching With Your Partner

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

The Pledge of Allegiance tells us there is liberty and justice for all. But is that true in present-day America? I don’t think so. And it won’t be true until we have decriminalized watching the next episode of a show that you’re supposed to be watching with your partner.

My fiancé Jed and I started watching Owning Manhattan together. Over the course of several nights, we would make dinner and then eat it while awash in the dog-eat-dog world of high-end New York real estate. But crucially, we never explicitly said we were doing this, much less put anything in writing.

When Jed went on a work trip, I carried on with season 1 episode 6, “Crazy Promise,” in which Ryan takes action when two real estate agents cross a line.

The next day, Jed came home. When we turned on Netflix, he dropped his entire plate of food on the ground. It shattered into pieces, like so many dreams of owning a high-end apartment in the cutthroat New York real estate market.

Jed asked me if I had watched the next episode. I couldn’t deny it—Netflix was narcing on me. I told him the truth: that I thought I was allowed to watch the next episode while he was out of town. I reminded him that we never said we were exclusive with this show. That’s when Jed walked out on me. And the day after that, I found out there was a warrant out for my arrest.

We cannot continue living like this. Some people argue that watching the next episode of a shared show can hurt your partner’s feelings. But what about my feelings of being stoned and bored on a Tuesday night?

There’s also an argument to be made that you should just wait to watch the episode until the next night when your partner is home. But this argument is not inclusive of those of us whose partners go to bed really early.

We as a culture need to admit that everyone wants to do this. Maybe it was taboo when Netflix introduced streaming in 2007, but that’s just not the case anymore. It’s true that there’s way more to watch these days. But everything sucks more now, and all the shows I’m watching by myself incidentally happen to also suck.

History shows us that we need to change culture before we can change policy. We need to take steps toward making it acceptable to watch the next episode of a TV show you’re watching with your partner. So go and watch that next episode of Summer Heat (2022). Your partner will just have to accept that you’re being the change you want to see in the world.