The words “Ice Age” means something different for everyone. If you’re some sort of paleontologist dweeb, it means sabertooth tigers and uncovering ancient sticks our primitive ancestors used to scrape the ice off their Pontiac Azteks. If you’re a child of the aughts, Ice Age was all about Sid the sloth and the rest of those fuckers. However, if you’re unemployed and woefully depressed like us, Iceage is a band of Danish post punkers, notable for the contradiction between frontman Elias Rønnenfelt’s rambling vocal delivery and his poetic lyrics. So sit down and take a journey with us as we rank every album by Iceage, because let’s face it, it’s not like you have any other responsibilities to attend to.
5. New Brigade (2011)
It’s their debut, and well. It’s definitely a debut. It’s by no means a bad album, in fact we’d say it’s a great album. It sets the band’s sound going forward with their raw and fervent instrumentation. But, by pure comparison to the rest of their discography alone, the lyrics on this record feel a bit lackluster. Having said that, these Danish teenagers still outclassed most American songwriters on this album with their grasp of the English language. So for that, +1 to the Danish school system.
Play it again: “Broken Bone”
Skip it: “Collapse,” due to the incessant and ear piercing lead guitar riff
4. Beyondless (2018)
Look, we might get shit on for this placement as this album has the band’s biggest hit in “Pain Killer,” which features Sky Ferreira. If anything, this number 4 spot just proves Iceage is an incredible band with no bad albums, so mull that over before telling us to go throw ourselves underneath a frozen lake, they can’t all be ranked #1 ok? On “Beyondless,” the band seems a bit more playful, both with the instrumentation and vocal styling, with the addition of some solid brass. It’s just a matter of taste and unfortunately, we’re sadistic and depressed, which means we prefer the band’s somber work over this album in particular
Play it again: “Catch It,” “Beyondless”
Skip it: “Thieves Like Us”
3. You’re Nothing (2013)
We don’t know what happened in the two years between this album and their debut record, but it’s clear Iceage leveled up. Maybe it was something in the Copenhagen water or maybe it was the simple fact that the band were no longer teenagers. The lyrics on tracks like “Ecstasy” paint a vivid depiction of isolation and helplessness that comes with it while Rønnenfelt drops a Nietzche reference on the song “Everything Drifts.” With lyrics that showcase their flair for literature and philosophy, coupled with the increasingly harsher noise and post-punk elements of their sound, Iceage delivered an excellent sophomore album.
Play it again: “Everything Drifts,” “Coalition”
Skip it: “Interlude,” like most interludes, somewhat unnecessary
2. Seek Shelter (2021)
The band’s most recent studio endeavor where the band seems to have solidly encapsulated the sounds of their prior albums while maintaining a sense of novelty. The usual suspects are all here, the dense driving guitars, the slight bits of sparse piano parts on a ballad like “Love Kills Slowly,” and the poetic lyrics that even Genius.com has yet to fully derive meaning from. I’m sure we can figure it out, but that’s too much effort and we’d much rather be willfully ignorant and just nod our heads along to the music.
Play it again: “Seek Shelter,” “Vendetta,” “The Wider Powder Blue”
Skip it: “The Holding Hand”
1. Plowing Into the Field of Love (2014)
Now as much as we’d like to avoid using the word “drunken” to describe Rønnenfelt’s vocals, there’s no way around it. Just listening to this album can raise your blood alcohol content levels by .1%. Even our straight edge friend got a DUI after being pulled over while listening to this album. But, this is peak Iceage, with the trademark brooding and harsh guitars with the added contribution of bright piano riffs as heard in tracks like “On My Fingers” and “Against the Moon.” There’s even a country cut in “The Lord’s Favorite,” which almost fools you into believing the band is from Appalachia. Plus, Rønnenfelt contributes with some of his most poignant and heartfelt lyrics ever. All in all, this is a must-listen in the post-punk genre.
Play it again: All 47 minutes and 54 seconds of the album
Skip it: If you’re really a prude, you can skip “Cimmerian Shade” to move past the breathy moans throughout this track.
Jesus, what am I talking about? My angel from heaven would never hurt me like this. Trudy, I mean. My wife is definitely fucking around.
I don’t care how drunk and vengeful she was feeling, there’s no way my wife would let this hack loser lay a finger on her without immediately hanging herself the following morning, scouts honor.
He’s funny, he’s charming and he should probably be higher on this list. However, my wife is not exactly his type, if you catch my meaning. You know, because she’s not Italian.
Bert Cooper gets hard for two things—shoeless feet and Ayn Rand. My wife is self conscious about her bunions and has never even been to Russia.
There’s no way someone could land Joanie and not brag about it to everyone, even the husband whose heart they’re breaking.
A lateral move at best. She’s already got a terrible partner full of social rage at home.
This twerp butchered Don’s best joke, he would for sure strike out with my overly critical emasculating battle axe of a wife.
My wife has taken self-defense classes every Thursday for the last 5 years. That’s a lot of time, money, and effort for a piece of shit like Greg to lay a hand on her with his windpipe intact.
I find it highly unlikely that my real-life wife is having an affair with the fictional wife and manager of the fictional comedian Jimmy Barrett. She seems happy lately, and that’s not the effect Bobbie has on people.
Impossible. Didn’t you see the sparks between her and Sal?
Can’t rule it out. My wife has expressed interest in women and LSD.
She would seduce my wife just to be able to spread the gossip that my wife is having an affair.
Meredith and my wife? No. I don’t think so. I feel like I would have heard about that.
At best he cried in the corner watching her get it on with his wife.
If my wife wanted to fuck some egotistical hack who writes “Star Trek” fan fic she would just keep sleeping with me.
Sure, she was placed as Don’s secretary specifically to stop him from fucking his secretaries, but I’m not ruling her out. Let us not forget that according to Roger she was “The Queen of Perversions of the highest order” back in her heyday. Could she be taking up her old hellcat lifestyle with my beloved wife? I did find a Werther’s Original in her purse last week.
Do I think my wife has a secret relationship with Stan that started as purely antagonistic and blossomed into a genuine friendship until one day they both realized they’d been in love with each other the whole time? That depends, does he still have the beard?
He can’t hold his liquor, but he did once manage to wrestle Peggy’s loyalty away from Don. I got my eye on you, Duck.
No, my wife is not a pedophile, but as “Mad Men’s” own Betty and Glen have taught us, a grown woman is completely capable of emotionally cheating with a child. I can’t prove it, but I think she cut a clump out of her hair…
If my wife could suss out the sane from the insane she never would have married me in the first place. Anyone who can pitch an unsolicited Jaguar tag to Don and nail it definitely has what it takes to charm my intensely frustrated, clearly looking-for-the-door wife.
This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows the band. Were this not put out by a legendary death metal band, it would just fade into the large pile of bland late-00’s deathcore albums. Because that’s what it is. The clean vocals are painful, but I guess the rest of the album is done adequately, even the *sigh* keyboards. But it’s just not what we want from Cryptopsy. Maroon 5 have enough talent in their band that they could probably put out a semi-decent hardcore record. But does anyone want that? No. Wait. Actually maybe? Come to think of it, just for the novelty, that would highly entertaining. However, nobody wanted this.
The return to form following “The Unspoken King,” the band’s self-titled album is like when you make regular mac and cheese after an ill-advised attempt at making it with all sorts of weird shit like broccoli and hot dogs and whatnot. It’s nice to get back to the OG vibe, but it’s still gonna take you a second to get your palate back to normal. Because that Trader Joe’s Sriracha is fine, but it sure as shit ain’t Huy Fong, so now everything tastes a little off. And while the internet says you can’t burn off your taste buds, it certainly feels like you did.
Aside from the absolute ass production, Lord Worm’s return to the band is essentially when you hang out with your buddies from back in the day and it goes… ok. It’s not awful. We were all worried Steve was gonna talk about high school too much. But he only brought it up once or twice. And like, Ben is definitely in a cult, right? But he was pretty chill. Also Matt became crazy conservative, I think? But he never brought up politics, so that’s cool. And I think Lee is an anarchist now, which is tight. So honestly, considering how this could’ve gone, it’s pretty good. Not the best time, but definitely not the worst.
Is this the best Cryptopsy can do? No. Are there enough noodle parts? No. Is the production a little slick? Yes. But this album feels like a big step in the right direction. Essentially this is the “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” of Cryptopsy albums. It feels like it’s maybe a revitalization of where the band can go. This current iteration hasn’t quite hit “Rogue Nation” quality and nothing has gotten close to “Fallout.” But overall it does feel like in the next decade we might get some Henry Cavill with a mustache-level of shred from this band, and everybody wants that. We all want the mustache.
This album gets shit on, but shouldn’t. This is one of those albums that had any crossover band put this out in 2000, the scene would’ve lost their fucking minds. But because a “metal” band did, lots of folks thought it wasn’t heavy enough, and found it too “hardcorey” or “jazzy” or “good.” This album makes me wish that if the band truly felt the need to branch out on “The Unspoken King” they had done so in a more Dillinger Escape Plan-type of way. Because this album is noodley as fuck, and we love it. As a sidenote, this album also gets exponentially better when you begin to realize that vocals kinda sound like Sweetums, the Muppet.
This album is goofy as fuck. The production is great. And by that, of course we mean the band understands that one of the most important instruments in metal is the bass. Because the bass is TURNED THE FUCK UP on this album. And all it makes us think is: why aren’t other bands turning that bass up? There are elements to this album that have a Sigh-esque Muppet quality to them. Which you gotta know is a compliment. And yeah, that’s two albums in a row with Muppet references. This shit is weird and silly and scary and chaotic. While it isn’t their best album it’s definitely one we come back to quite a bit.
A possible controversial take to put this at number 2 and not “Blasphemy Made Flesh.” But the reality is: this is a great album. As with “…And Then You’ll Beg” the vocals take a little adjustment to get used to, but only if you’re expecting Lord Worm. Because once you actually embrace the vocals, it’s hard to imagine Worm on this album. Like when your favorite pizza place starts adding a bit of Parmigianno-Reggiano to their pies. It gonna take a moment to get adjusted. You’re just so used to it being simply mozzarella, sauce, and dough. And now there’s just a slight kick from the parm. It’s great. But you need a sec. Change can be hard, buddy. But just know that regardless of me moving out, your mom and I love you very much, and nothing is gonna change that.
This is the one. It’s got everything you want. All the vitamins and minerals. There are times when Lord Worm flat-out sounds like he was listening to a different album in the studio. I mean there are moments when my man has NO rhythm. His vocals on this album are like the dream when you have to play a show and get on stage and then realize you don’t know any of the songs. You might nail some parts. But mostly you’re just hoping you’re not yelling when the song ends. The thing is.. he crushes it. Lord Worm’s performance is no small part of this number-one ranking. This shit is wildly entertaining. It feels like at any moment the wheels are gonna come off, or the band is gonna stop and say “This is just TOO nuts, right? It’s 1998. The world ain’t ready for this.” But the world was. And Is. And always shall be. Amen.