The holidays are right around the corner, and you’re looking for the perfect gift for friends. Or maybe you’re even dropping heavy hints in front of your parents. Well, guess what, this list won’t help you at all because these products aren’t even real yet. But if Papa Roach’s ‘Cut My Life Into Pizzas’ pizza cutter taught us anything, it’s that there is potential for success with even the stupidest of merch ideas. And in an industry where album sales aren’t the revenue generators they used to be, these novelties are perhaps soon all bands will have left. That’s why we’re here to help. Think of us as a modern-day Ali G – holding a skateboard without wheels, pitching it as a hoverboard. We’re the idea guys. We’re just going to need you to make it all real. And, of course, cut us a slice of that pie once they hit the market.
Thursday’s Fully Collapsible Salad Spinner
What better way to celebrate the 22nd anniversary of Thursday’s iconic album “Full Collapse” than with a fully collapsible kitchen marvel? Yes, that’s right, this unique salad spinner not only pays homage to the band’s groundbreaking work but also brings a touch of musical history right into your kitchen. Just as “Full Collapse” broke barriers in the music world, this salad spinner breaks the mold in kitchen gadgetry with its space-saving design and sleek look.
Details: This one-of-a-kind salad spinner is designed for easy storage, collapsing to a quarter of its size. It features a 5-quart capacity, perfect for all your leafy greens. The non-slip base ensures stability during use, and it’s dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup. Dimensions: 10 inches in diameter when expanded.
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster’s Plenty Strong Dirt Bike Jack Stand
Dangerous curves ahead! If there’s one thing we know about every Maylene fan, it’s this: You have jumped your fair share of dirt bikes, and you sure as hell haven’t nailed every landing. But have no fear, because we’re here to give you a little lift. This sturdy-as-heck bike stand is exactly what you need for dirt bike repairs and adjustments so you can get back to mudding. We think that’s what you call it.
Details: Made with heavy-duty steel, this jack stand can support bikes up to 5,000 lbs. It features an adjustable height from 14 to 41 inches, with a large top surface for stable positioning. The anti-slip rubber pad prevents slippage and scratches.
Between the Buried and Me’s Colors & Colors II Crayon Coloring Set
When you heard “Colors” for the first time, it changed your life. By the time “Colors II” came out, you’d heard all the songs you were ever going to hear, but you still pretended it changed your life again. Well, it’s time to make sure your kids can feel the same way about these progressive technical death avant-garde metalcore giants. With their very own coloring set!
Details: These crayons offer rich, smooth laydown, perfect for coloring and drawing. “Colors” features 12 standard colors. “Colors II” comes with 12 neon colors that nobody will ever reach for. All crayons are non-toxic, easy to grip, and made with durable wax for long-lasting use.
Ghost’s Pepper Flakes – Mild Flavored Premium Pepper Flavoring
Oh no, it’s not a ghost pepper. It’s Ghost’s pepper. This product might look scary, but just like the band, it is absolutely not. Seriously, it’s about as spicy as milk. These mild flavors are sure to please any palate, or at least any palate that shares the same taste as someone who would listen to Ghost.
Details: Comes in a sleek, easy-to-use 4 oz shaker. The flakes are a blend of premium, mild peppers meticulously selected to reduce flavor. They are perfect for adding a lack of zest to any dish.
The Weakerthans’ Sundial in an Empty Room
If only we could somehow make use of those parallelograms of light that dance along the walls of your empty guest room. Well, forget that empty feeling and fill that space with this one-of-a-kind sundial! With lyrics adorning the face, it serves not just as a functional piece for that spare room you probably have in your house but also as a conversation starter. It’s perfect for fans who value both the practical aspects of timekeeping and the artistic expression of a modern away message.
Details: This beautifully crafted sundial features a 36 inche diameter, making it an ideal size for display in an outdoor garden space, or in the center of a room with no furniture. Made from high-quality, weather-resistant materials, it ensures durability whether used indoors or outdoors. The sundial includes an adjustable gnomon for accurate time-telling throughout the year.
Underoath’s “Writing on the Walls” Erasable Markers
Uh oh, worried your kids will really fuck up the walls with that crayon set? Sure, they’re a little too young to start on Between the Buried and Me. Maybe you need something for a younger age? Well, kids will love Underoath and their “Writing on the Walls” erasable markers! Hand that boy one and watch as he brushes your living room in black and white. No worries, just wash it away when he’s done.
Details: These innovative erasable markers come in a pack of 10 vibrant colors, perfect for little artists who love to express themselves on any non-porous surface, including walls, windows, and whiteboards. The markers feature a non-toxic, washable formula, making cleanup a breeze – just wipe with a damp cloth or sponge. Each marker has a durable tip for both fine lines and broader strokes, and the ink dries quickly to prevent smudging.
Kirk Windstein Presents Crowbar’s Bar Crow
Have you ever found yourself hanging out in a seedy bar in New Orleans, deep into the night, only to be forced to drunkenly stumble home in the darkness? You realize you need some protection, but your more sensible friends have already called it a night. What you need is a more loyal companion. You know what we’re talking about. That’s right: a crow! Better yet, a Crowbar-branded Bar Crow, to keep you safe as you recklessly wander through sludge-filled alleyways, searching for home.
Details: Crowbar’s Bar Crow is a real, specially trained crow, bred for protection in social settings like bars. This loyal bird, with an average wingspan of 18 inches and a body length of around 12 inches, is perfect for accompanying you on late-night outings. The Bar Crow is trained to respond to basic commands and recognize its owner. This crow doesn’t require a harness (although we do have some great ideas there) and is comfortable in various urban environments.
Hawthorne Heights’ ‘Ohio is for Lovers… and More’ Travel Guide
Is your heart in Ohio? Well, then let some local boys show you around with this ultimate travel guide. Discover every attraction and hot spot that Ohio has to offer. And don’t worry: it’s not just for lovers. They’ll even help you find your favorite singles bars, because obviously, you’re getting over some heartbreak.
Details: This comprehensive travel guide is your key to exploring Ohio like a local. It features hidden gems, popular attractions, and the best singles bars, all curated by the members of Hawthorne Heights. The guide includes maps, tips, and insider knowledge to help you navigate the state with ease. It’s a paperback edition, easy to carry around, measuring 8×5 inches.
Korn’s “Beak on a Leash” Bird Leashes and Harnesses
His name may be Munky, but the man loves nothing more than birds. As you can imagine, it won’t be a tough sell to get the rest of the band on board. Not with an idea this good: Korn brand bird leashes and harnesses! For the cockatoo lover in your life, give them the gift that sets them free. Or at least give them the freedom to take their bird for a walk every once in a while. Finally, you’ll feel like you do have some release!
Details: This series offers high-quality bird leashes and harnesses, suitable for various bird sizes, from cockatiels to cockatoos. The harnesses are made from lightweight, durable materials that are comfortable for the birds and easy for the owners to use. The adjustable design ensures a snug fit, and the strong leash allows for safe outdoor adventures. The product comes in a variety of sizes and includes a step-by-step guide on how to safely use the harness with your feathered friend.
Refused’s ‘The Shape of Punk to Come’ Toddler Shape Sorting Cube
Okay, so maybe even those Underoath markers were still too much. Well, how else are you supposed to show the world you have a little punk-to-come on your hands? You already bought that kid a Black Flag onesie. I guess your only other option is to get them some sort of branded toy that will let everyone know that your child is merely an extension of you and your tastes. God forbid someone thinks this kid might grow up to be a Foo Fighters fan.
Details: This wooden cube features various shapes, each representing a different element of punk culture, that fit into corresponding holes. It’s designed to help develop fine motor skills and shape recognition in young children. The cube is painted in vibrant colors with partially-non-toxic, mostly-child-safe paint, and measures 6×6 inches.
Sunn O)))’s Decorative Black Boxes That Just So Happen To Have Speakers in Them
We’ve always wanted an amp that makes our guitar sound exactly like the monstrous hum of ‘Life Metal,’ but after some research, we realized there’d be significant challenges in releasing an amplifier with the Sunn O))) logo on it. There’s like a whole story there or something. So anyway, these are just decorative boxes. That might have speakers in them. It’s not entirely clear if they can officially state that or not.
Details: These distinctive decorative boxes, inspired by the sound and aesthetics of Sunn O))), are an intriguing addition to any space. Externally, they present as sleek, matte black boxes with a minimalist design. Hidden within each box are high-quality speakers. While they serve primarily as elegant decor, the boxes offer a surprise element of functionality, blending in seamlessly until their audio capabilities are revealed.
Explosions in the Sky’s “The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place” Heated Blankets
Actually, the earth is starting to feel like a colder and deader place. But it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re soaking up some sweet post-rock and watching a heartwarming episode of Friday Night Lights. Coach! Coach, help! It’s not snuggly enough in here! Fear not, as this band-inspired heated blanket will solve that as you waste the rest of your evening with Tim Riggins.
Details: This cozy heated blanket features adjustable heat settings, ensuring you find the perfect temperature for relaxation. Made from soft, plush fabric, it measures a generous 60×50 inches, making it ideal for snuggling up on the couch. The design subtly incorporates motifs from the band’s album artwork, creating a stylish and functional piece. It’s equipped with an easy-to-use controller and a safety feature that automatically shuts off after four Fright Night Lights episodes, ensuring peace of mind.
Job for a Cowboy Organic Non-GMO Gluten-Free Horse Treats
We have to be honest upfront. We haven’t really listened to Job for a Cowboy; we just heard about them, and they seemed like a nice country band. And like any good country boy, you must know: you just can’t trust mainstream horse treats these days. Equestrian enthusiasts understand that not all horses can stomach the gluten found in the average grocery store horse snack. Well, all your problems are solved with these good-for-you horse treats! Now, your only challenge is thinking of a cooler horse name than “Job for a Cowboy.”
Details: These premium horse treats are made with organic, non-GMO ingredients, ensuring a healthy snack for your equine friends. They are completely gluten-free, perfect for horses with dietary sensitivities. Each treat is carefully crafted, combining nutritious ingredients like oats, barley, and molasses for a flavor that horses love. The treats come in a resealable 5-pound bag, ensuring freshness and easy storage, cowboy.
The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die Kitchen Wall Decor
We know. You’re going to lose it if you have to stare at that stupid “gather” decal adorning the walls of your kitchen one more time. And why does your partner always pick signs in that overused wedding invite font? There’s only one answer: an act of rebellion. Like proudly displaying the band name of your favorite Willimantic legends! This isn’t just a statement piece; it’s a nod to your edgy, musical defiance. It’s about time your kitchen reflected the real you. And it also kind of just works with everything else in the room.
Details: This wall decor piece measures 24×36 inches, made with high-quality, fade-resistant ink on durable canvas material. Easy to hang with included tamper-proof mounting hardware so it can never be removed, it’s perfect for adding a touch of rebellion to any room.
Bring Me The Horizon Temporary Child Throat Tattoos
Wow, your kid couldn’t handle the sorting cube? I guess you’re shit out of luck. Okay, one more idea. Just ink your kid. Temporarily at least. Give them a flat-brim hat and a throat tattoo to show your friends that you are deathcore through and through. Or at least you used to be. Now you’re just kind of listening to electronic rock in a deathcore outfit? Sheesh, maybe this was a mistake.
Details: These temporary throat tattoos are the perfect way to let your child rock a bold look without scarring them for life (at least physically). The tattoos are waterproof and last for 2-3 days, perfect for a weekend of pretend play. Each tattoo measures about 2×3 inches, designed to fit comfortably on a child’s throat area.
Opening their debut LP “Listening Game” with various sounds and dialogue from the classic horror series “Sesame Street” via its title track showcased a youthful exuberant energy right from the start, as Far introduced themselves to and joined the musical floodgates with twelve post-hardcore tracks that truly foreshadowed their eventual major sonic influence. Well, you have to start somewhere, and the band truly did with this one. In addition, 1992 was an incredible year for the world of rock with sterling monumental records from Faith No More (“Angel Dust”), Alice In Chains (“Dirt”), R.E.M. (“Automatic for the People”), and TLC (“Oooooooh… On the TLC Tip”). Coming out via Rusty Nail Records, “Listening Game” is a fun start, but thankfully the band “grew up” on its next four and progressed as songwriters and musicians.
Opening/title track “Quick” truly sounds like Quicksand covering Soundgarden’s “Bleach” in the best way, and the song itself gets its aggressive and catchy point across in a quick two-minutes-and-thirty-eight seconds that exhaust you whilst keeping you wanting more and more. While the production on this particular track leaves a little something to be desired, “Quick” as a song is quite endearing, and as a record front-to-back has less filler than its predecessor, but not by much. The original version of “Girl,” which eventually got re-recorded on their major label debut was the band’s best song at the time, and is captured quite well here. If you identify as such, you will be the man o’ the year if you stream this album straight through with an open mind and wallet, sister.
“At Night We Live,” Far’s lone non-’90s full-length LP, served as a one-off comeback after the band initially split in 1999. It is definitely the first of which to be mentioned here that is consistent front to back, and the aforementioned cover of “Pony” isn’t even the best song by a longshot, as its first song “Deafening” is one of the better post-hardcore opening tracks, and “If You Cared Enough” is an amazing subsequent song. The record also served as a memorial to Sacramento peers’ Deftones’ late bassist Chi Cheng, who sadly left this earth way too soon after an automobile accident, and Far’s love for him and his bandmates burn forever and ever bright as they fight through 16,233,241 tears. Sadly the band split up again once more the year that “At Night We Live” came out and it looks like the original lineup will never reform.
Far’s third full-length studio LP “Tin Cans with Strings to You” came out just a few years too early. We here firmly believe that if both of these records were released in the early-00s Far would have had an overabundance of sales and streams in the lexicon, and even more than five albums by now, but unfortunately that’s not how the cookies crumbled in the sea, circus, aisle, and cum dump known as the music industry. Still, the riffs, emotion, personality, and raw power of “Tin Cans with Strings to You” stood out in the mid-’90s, and will still impress heads today, especially since its competition is an AI song in C minor with lyrics that a third grader with remedial skills would scoff at. Sweat a river, live no lies.
This gold medal slot may be extremely predictable to you, but sometimes cliches like The Beatles being good and pizza tasting great are such for a reason. We didn’t have a choice about how we handled this here, and we’re actually surprisingly relieved about that. Far’s fourth LP, is a top-five post-hardcore record ever sans hyperbole, and one of the more underrated rock gems of the 1990s, a decade with the best blend of rock and roll outside of the 1960s. Shoutouts are in order for Jonah Matranga, Shaun Lopez, John Gutenburger, and Chris Robyn. No shoutouts are deserved for the rock community that chose more sub-par groups to embrace. Maybe there was another way out for the band, but sadly their small white world was closing down.
Fun? Yes. Corny? At times. Self-aware? Yep, yep, yep. Limp Bizkit’s fifth studio LP “Gold Cobra” was their first full-length effort in eight years. First off, Limp Bizkit has never ever sucked; they were a product of their time, a weird time. Also, the OG “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all” debut LP lineup was back in full force at five for five via “Gold Cobra,” and fans old and new school rejoiced, as the loss of Wes Borland showcased that the band had huge shoes to fill and that they could actualize filling ‘em. If you still lambast Limp Bizkit just for the idea of doing such, get a life, Captain Loser/Douchebag, try harder, and kill the hater in you. In badass form, this album’s follow-up is a GREAT improvement.
Limp Bizkit’s fourth studio album may have been doomed from its start due to principal member guitarist Wes Borland leaving the band, but it is better than you remember, and “Eat You Alive” remains a top ten LB single. Once Borland left, Limp Bizkit had a publicly unsuccessful search for a replacement, but Mike Smith of Snot took the position, albeit for a short time. The growing pains show up on this LP on the mic, underneath the gun, and the band’s momentum was down another day, that’s for sure! Also, whatever your thoughts on their The Who cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” is, and we assume it is not very positive in the slightest, it was a cocky and badass move to utilize a rapper’s singing vocals with LB’s spin on the classic rock megahit.
Limp Bizkit released their first album in just over ten years with their sixth effort “Still Sucks,” and not only is the record their most succinct at twelve tracks that last just over thirty-two minutes but, it is the first mentioned here that is a consistent listen front to back, AND it doesn’t suck. In a super cool flex, critics from inferior publications ate this one up, and the album was critically acclaimed and, “Dad Vibes,” the album’s first single, got verbal accolades as well. If this record was the subsequent full-length album after “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” and both of its follow-ups were EPs instead of LPs, their studio album catalog would be nearly flawless.
“Significant Other” showcased to the world with literal data that the band was one of the biggest acts in the world, and climbed to number one on the Billboard 200, yes, NUMBER %^&*ing ONE. It’s hard for a band to have one single do well in the mainstream, let alone four, but most albums don’t contain “Nookie,” our highlight track “Re-Arranged,” “N 2 Gether Now,” and “Break Stuff.” Many wrote off the band as a novelty act for the hit Debbie Gibson cover song from its debut predecessor “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” but those who did were proven that they didn’t deserve anyone’s trust; a lesson learned. Since Fred Durst raps, this album looked like a typical hip-hop record with features from Jonathan Davis of Korn, Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots, Aaron Lewis of Staind, and Method Man of Salt-N-Pepa.
This album, “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” may have one of the worst album titles of all time, but it is SO much more than “Faith,” AND “Faith” rules too! From “Intro” directly into our highlight track “Pollution,” Limp Bizkit introduced themselves to the world with a “don’t mess with us or we will cut you” brutal attitude laden with impassioned screams, razor sharp rhymes, insane/underrated musicianship from a rhythm section (Sam Rivers and John Otto) and turntablist (DJ Lethal), and an ambitious rock guitarist. ’90s demigod Ross Robinson produced this LP to perfection, and angry white kids with backwards hats, baggy jeans, and Cheetos stained teeth/garments all over America, and eventually the globe, ate it in droves. The record came out at the perfect time, as bands in this world were about to become the trendsetters, and LB rode the wave to a sustainable career.
Third time’s a charm? “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” Limp Bizkit’s third full-length studio LP, may have one of the best album titles of all time, and yes, we know about Hoobastank’s self-titled effort. Also, like its predecessor “Significant Water,” the starfish and meat H2O appeared at number one on the Billboard 100, had four very successful singles, and one that was just successful without the word “very” before it. Fun fact: Track two, “Hot Dog,” uses the F-word forty-seven times, which is even more than that time your dad was was walking around the house barefoot and stubbed his toe on one of the kitchen table legs and his toenail fell off. Anyway, it’ll be ok if you revisit this album right now in an air raid or urban assault vehicle; we just want you to live it up your way whilst you getcha groove on.