Press "Enter" to skip to content

25 Mountain Goats Songs To Play During Your Divorce Hearing That Will Make the Judge Say “How Did You Get a Bluetooth Speaker In Here? This Is a Court of Law”

The Mountain Goats’ sound could be likened to the reality of being a weekend dad set in a minor key. As we’ve discussed before, the band exudes big divorce energy in nearly every element of their existence, and so it’s only natural that you’re gonna want to hear a couple of Goats songs while you yourself are dealing with bitter personal turmoil.

But there’s just one problem: that pesky guy in the big black robe who keeps insisting you’re “out of order!” Here are twenty-five Mountain Goats songs ranked by how mad that guy currently is at you. (Go listen to the playlist while you read along)

25. “Whole Wide World”

The judge was never going to be happy that you decided to bring your own soundtrack into his courtroom. But if you throw on “Whole Wide World” right after you’re sworn in it’s gonna be the most chill reaction you’re going to get outta the guy. And then it’s all downhill from here.

24. “Clean Slate”

Who says divorce hearings can’t be fun? Oh, right – the law. Well at least this catchy song with a snazzy horn section will help you make the most of it while your ex gives you the stink eye the whole time you’re there.

23. “Island Garden Song”

Judge’s are usually pretty dumb, so they probably won’t notice that this song is basically one long anarcho-primitivist fantasy. Also, if your judge happens to have a green thumb, playing this might help you get them to admit that your ex’s mother-in-law really is a total bitch.

22. “Fault Lines”

Play this one while the judge is in the bathroom, or right after they get back from lunch. The song won’t matter so much, they’ll just be more relieved in general.

21. “Jam Eater Blues”

Around this point, maybe refrain from trying to casually bring up whether or not the judge has ever had a sexual fantasy about that statue of the blindfolded lady in the toga with the scales they have in the back of the courthouse. Of course they have but they may not be ready to open up with you like that yet.

20. “This Year”

Surprisingly enough, the judge is actually gonna be pretty cool with this one. Sure, at first he’ll wanna knock your teeth out for playing such a crass song about youthful rebellion, but after a while he’ll chalk it all up to “boys will be boys” and let you off the hook – though the same cannot be said for your ex’s lawyer is a close friend of their dad.

19. “The Slow Parts on Death Metal Albums”

As long as you can resist the urge to really crank the volume on this song the judge will only be mildly annoyed by this whole fiasco. At least that’s as far as you can tell – judges don’t show anger the same way real humans do.

18. “Sax Rohmer #1”

At a certain point the judge will be forced to inform you that you will not in fact be going home like the song says, you will be going to small claims court for all those boat documents you attempted to smuggle into the Cayman Islands. Then he’s gonna call you a jerk, but that’ll be about it.

17. “Woke Up New”

While blasting this mellow-ass track about unflinching sadness isn’t gonna win you any points in court, it’s also soothing enough that it isn’t going to further instigate the judge’s wrath after it took you way too long to pair your phone with the speaker to begin with.

16. “Transcendental Youth”

This album closer is a great soundtrack for the moment when the judge finally throws the book at you. Not literally we mean – he’s not that mad. Though technically he did give your ex the house so maybe there is something to that.

15. “1 Samuel 15:23”

Anytime you quote the bible in court it’s really gonna be a toss-up depending on the verse and denomination of whoever controls your State’s judiciary at the time. Really, any track from “The Life of the World To Come” could work for this one, but “1 Samuel 15:23” is a pretty read song so screw it, we’re going with this.

14. “Elijah”

Have you ever heard your dad say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Well, we’re sorry to tell you that he was in fact mad at you and, in this moment, so is everyone in the courtroom.

13. “Song For Sasha Banks”

Telling the courtroom “My daughter is named Sasha” is not going to put the judge in any less of a foul mood, particularly considering that your daughter’s name is Susan.

12. “For the Snakes”

This is the song that will make the judge finally reach over to take the speaker away from you. He’s not supposed to reach like that, and he’s definitely not allowed to grab you by the collar and shake you, but nobody else seems to be doing anything about this whole thing.

11. “The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton”

Hail Satan!!! But seriously, don’t play this in a courtroom unless you want the judge to angrily point out every reference to white Jesus that has been carved into the very framework of the courtroom.

10. “Make You Suffer”

Unfortunately, “make you suffer” is also what your ex’s lawyer promised to make you do at the start of this hearing. Somehow the song just doesn’t have the same appeal now.

9. “Linda Blair Was Born Innocent”

Listen, you don’t decide who is innocent – the judge does that. If you try to tell them otherwise it is going to end badly for you, so maybe give this one a skip until after the ruling on your failed marriage.

8. “Heretic Pride”

“Oh, there’s about to be a reckoning,” will say the judge when you play this song. But I doubt you’re gonna be so proud of yourself when it finally arrives, you arrogant little child support dodger.

7. “Going To Georgia”

As soon as this song mentions that you have a “Colt 45 with a busted safety catch” the judge will have already called over the bailiff to taser you into an electrocuted oblivion. Enjoy pissing your pants on the witness stand while your ex secures a hefty alimony payment.

6. “In League With Dragons”

We’re not really sure why the judge hates this one. But he’s now actively trying to have you thrown in prison for “fur fraud” for no reason so maybe just try to redirect him back to your divorce that’s going on.

5. “Paid In Cocaine”

Playing this might as well be an admission of fault. Even the stenographer will be looking to clock you hard when this track starts playing.

4. “The Legend of Chavo Guerrero”

Bad news. This judge is more of a Spike Dudley fan and he’s currently rolling up his sleeves for an Awesome Bomb with your name on it.

3. “Getting Into Knives”

From personal experience, we can tell you that just talking about extracurricular experiences with knives is a great way to have every cop in the building waiting to take you down right outside the courtroom doors while the judge, in righteous fury, orders your antique knife collection sold off to pay for court costs.

2. “Up the Wolves”

We mean, the lyrics to this one straight up say that you want to “kill all the judges.” There’s little chance you’ll be able to play this song without the judge bashing you over the head with their gavel in a rage-fueled impulse of self-preservation.

1. “No Children”

Your judge has definitely heard this one at so many divorce hearings before (you didn’t think you were the only one to think to sneak in a sleeper, did you?). But as such, every judge everywhere absolutely hates this song. Just the first few opening chords of “No Children” are enough to ensure that they will do everything they can to award your ex power over you for the rest of your life, and later your corpse for all of time.

Go listen to the full playlist:

Photo by Leslie Veen