MONTAGUE, Mass. — Local man Jack Callahan is reportedly on day two of trying to type his overly complicated Disney+ password using the remote for his parents’ Smart TV, bored sources reported.
“I don’t know why I did this to myself. I remember generating this 24-digit string full of random letters and symbols and thinking, ‘No one will ever crack this.’ I guess that includes myself,” said Callahan as a toddler continued to scream in the background. “Don’t all modern apps let you scan a QR code or something? How was I supposed to know they still make T9 keyboards? I think I had to push the same button seven times just to find an ‘@’ symbol. If I can’t get ‘Cars 3’ playing in the next hour, I think my wife is going to drive home without me.”
Aidan Callahan, Jack’s father, doesn’t understand why his son bothers with all this security nonsense.
“I already have the perfect system. You see here? I printed out a spreadsheet and taped it above my desk in the rumpus room, it’s got every password to every service I’ve ever used. And some that your mother signed up for that I can’t figure out how to cancel,” said the senior Callahan. “It’s flawless, really. When I sign up for a new service, I just add a row to the bottom. And when I want to ‘generate’ a password, as my son says, I just look around the room for a photo of something familiar, like a dead pet, and then add an exclamation mark. The exclamation mark ensures it’s secure.”
Boden Nelson is a security consultant for several top-secret institutions and is feeling a little jaded these days.
“I call it ‘security theater.’ You feel secure with your long, random password, but let’s be honest, this whole cat-and-mouse game is a sham. Anyone who wants to hack you can and will. If they haven’t yet, you’re just not important enough,” said Nelson. “And that’s just human hackers. We’re seconds away from AI taking over everything we know and love. And I promise your one-factor auth string of symbols can’t beat Skynet. So, maybe just go with ‘password123’ for your stupid streaming account. No one cares about your profile; your credit card is already on the dark web.”
At press time, Jack Callahan was seen acting out “Finding Nemo” to his son as an “incorrect password” modal flickered behind him.