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Meet the 21-Year-Old Causing the Adderall Shortage

We’re now over a year into the national Adderall shortage that’s put a strain on millions of Americans who struggle with ADHD. This situation has mystified economists, healthcare experts, and even the FDA. Yet, nobody has found the cause of the shortage. That is, until now.

Meet Dylan Webber. He’s a 21-year-old San Diego native whose daily Adderall intake has reached 500mg. “Humans only get access to 10% of our brain power. Adderall opens the door to the other 90%,” said Webber before going on a fifteen-minute tangent of the 2011 film Limitless. “So the point is, it makes you, like, hella smart and shit.”

Due to his elevated state of consciousness, Webber now has a full slate of upcoming projects. He’s writing a book on the etymology of the American slang word “Dude,” he’s started a motivational podcast for men with two of his best friends, and he’s even developing an app called “Gassed Up” which Webber describes as the suicide hotline but for people looking to hear praise and compliments. “Everybody needs to get gassed up every now and then.”

Webber’s high Adderall intake doesn’t come without a price. His constant dry mouth leads to repeated trips to the bathroom (23 times during my time with him). He’s 10 thousand dollars in debt and his sex drive is almost non-existent. Not to mention all the weight he’s lost over the past year. At 5’11 and 120 pounds, he’s nearly all skin and bones. Despite his sickly appearance, his vitality stays sky-high. “I feel like I can take on a gorilla,” Webber said before popping another 25 mg instant release and going on another tangent, this time on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. “It’s all about using your opponent’s weight against them to force them into submission.”

Webber rejects any suggestion that he may be addicted to the schedule II stimulant. “The only thing I’m addicted to is getting shit done,” he said while organizing small piles of bread crumbs by size near his laptop. “Most people won’t create a fifth of the shit I’m doing in their lifetime and I’m just getting started.”

As of press time Webber had scrapped all of his works in progress to read and memorize the entire Oxford Dictionary.

UPDATE: He’s dead.