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Bandmates Confused After Straight Edge Singer Brings Podium to First Practice

NEWTON, Mass. — A group of teenagers looking to start a new straight edge hardcore band were shocked when Daniel Morgan, 17, showed up to the band’s first practice carrying a large wooden podium on his back.

The group reportedly suffered through the practice as Morgan gave the garage door long-winded speeches explaining what the unwritten jams meant to him. Each not-quite-yet-formed song was preceded by at least five minutes of heartfelt banter that had Morgan close to tears, according to a neighbor who filed a noise complaint.

“Listen, I played in a garage rock band in the ‘70s, and our singer thought he was the next Jim Morrison. Just shut up and play already,” said the neighbor who chose to remain anonymous.

Casey McGormick, 16, expressed concerns about logistical problems that ClearlyxStraight might encounter having to bring a podium to every gig.

“It’s going to be a real hassle lugging that thing around when we show up to shows unannounced asking to jump on the bill,” McGormick, the group’s drummer, said.

The Hard Times reached out to Morgan for comment, but was overwhelmed by the length of his response.

Correction: An earlier version of this article referred to a “podium,” but several sources within the public speaking equipment business have informed The Hard Times it was actually a “lectern” that Morgan brought to practice. The Hard Times refuses to correct this mistake.



  1. No December 16, 2014

    I fucking love this shit. Keep it coming.

  2. Loralocks January 2, 2015

    A podium is a large or small lifted stage that the speaker stands on. A lecturn is a pillar like piece of furniture placed in front of the speaker/performer generally used to hold materials/papers/cards for the speaker/performer! If this band can rock out who gives a crap if he speaks before performing!

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