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I Broke Into Area 51 and All They Had There Was Radiation Poisoning

Hey guys, first off I have to thank you for your patience in waiting for this update. After I broke into Area 51 to find out its secrets I came down with an unimaginably brutal bout of radiation poisoning. I’m talking about violent diarrhea, projectile vomiting, seizures, and blisters. The works.

I also regret not bringing sunscreen. That relentless Nevada sun had me covered in third-degree sunburns by the time I got to my car. I also have a feeling the arid Mojave desert has made me permanently thirsty. But anyway, without further ado, here’s what I found when I broke into Area 51.

I approached Area 51 by way of Rachel, Nevada, as I had read on the dark web that there was an unguarded gully that led into the facilities. Well, I found out it was unguarded because the gully led into an active bombing range. I was able to narrowly escape getting blown to smithereens by a bomb, but I accidentally stepped on a land mine that launched me into the air. I was knocked out when I landed, and when I came to I realized that I was underneath a dumpster inside of Area 51 itself.

I quickly began rummaging through the dumpster looking for evidence of space aliens, time travel, weather control devices, anything. Instead, all I found were dozens of used hypodermic needles sticking out of my hand. Oh, and I found a set of military fatigues that fit me like a glove, so I could walk around the base unbothered.

I managed to sneak into some sort of facility or another, I’m not entirely sure what it was. I snooped around looking for little green men with giant heads, instead, I was stung by scorpions, wasps, spiders, tarantula hawks, and ants. After a while, I realized it was an abandoned building, and was bit by a rattlesnake to boot.

Anyways, I hate to say it guys, but there just wasn’t anything salacious about Area 51. It seemed to be an efficiently run military facility, minus the fact that I was able to sneak in and walk around for a few hours without their knowing it. But a word of warning: If you’re thinking of breaking into Area 51, please, please wear hearing protection. It has extremely loud planes, machinery, guns, bombs, and everything else. Oh, and a radiation suit. I’m sort of dying.