As a Conservative, I Will Be Leaving NYC and Moving to the Riyadh Comedy Festival

Posted on by danerice

Well New York City, you’ve had a good run, but it’s clearly over. The “people” (liberals) have spoken, and Zohran Mamdani will soon be sworn in as mayor. Like any proud NYC conservative male, I’m jumping ship before the communist scourge of affordable housing and free public transportation turns this place into a Mad Max warzone. It pains me to say goodbye to the city I once loved, but I’m sailing on to greener pastures, to a place that lines up with my beliefs and my ideals, a place where people get it. I have decided to relocate to the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia. 

I look around this place, and what do I see? People struggling. People with diseases and mental illness in desperate need of help and resources. Single mothers not sure where their children’s next meal will come from. I see this, and I am horrified, knowing that these disenfranchised souls might soon get a leg up, which I consider a huge personal threat. 

Then I look at the Riyadh comedy festival. Wow. Talk about my scene. People who are already enormously rich getting paid obscene amounts of money just for telling it like it is? Provided that “telling it like it is” doesn’t criticize the state in any way, which is only fair? Sign me the hell up! It’s not like you’re allowed to say anything anymore in this country anyway! Just look at what happened to our own President when he called Jews voting for Mandami “stupid.” People said he was mean and wrong! That’s basically fascism. 

I don’t know a ton about Saudi Arabia, but what I do know is that they respect the time-honored traditions of haves and have-nots. As a lifelong have, that works for me, dawg! Some of them even have slaves over there! Meanwhile, I’m over here being pressured to tip my Uber driver by a really intimidating screen. Well, enjoy your tyranny, New Yorkers, I’ll be yucking it up with Chappelle and Burr over on the golden shore of freedom that is the Riyadh Comedy Festival.    

I just hope they don’t have any muslims in Saudi Arabia.

Opinion: Dick Cheney Was the Warmest, Kindest Man to Ever Shoot Someone in the Face and Make Them Apologize for It

Posted on by danerice

Former Vice President Dick Cheney passed away yesterday, leaving behind what some have called a murky legacy. How exactly do we remember this complicated, enigmatic man? Some would say “war criminal,” or “Machiavellian,” others “brave” or “patriotic.” Well, I don’t know about all that, but I knew Dick personally, and of my friends I can only say this: Of all the souls I’ve known who have shot men in the face and then strong-armed them into apologizing for it, his was the most human. 

Before I elaborate on Dick’s gregarious warmth, at least in comparison to the extremely niche metric of men who have shot their friends in the face and then had the audacity to turn around and say, “Hey, you really fucked me here, make it right,” let me ask you this: Have you met many people that have shot people and then demanded an appology? They are, to say the least, an unsavory bunch. A lot of them are downright ghoulish, and certainly not the type of people you want to meet down a dark alley. Think Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men.” Now, think Dick Cheney. Not so bad, right? 

I happened to be in the room when Dick first visited Harry Whittington in the hospital, and let me tell you, the laughter Dick made upon seeing Whittington’s freshly shot face for the first time was one of the most reserved and stifled laughs I have ever heard. You could really tell that right below damage control and hating Whittington’s dumb face for being in the way of his gun in the first place, concern for his friend was at the top of Dick’s mind. He even asked, “How ya holdin’ up?” before laying out what the consequences of not issuing an immediate public apology for being shot in the face would look like for him. 

What you need to keep in mind is the fact that Dick wasn’t trying to shoot his friend at all! He was trying to shoot a flock of birds that had been surgically rendered incapable of flight. That’s what a good guy he was. 

You so-called “progressives” can finger-wag about “war crime” this and “irreparably damaged the system of checks and balances that held our democracy together” that. I will always just remember the kind, kind man who, after shouting “What the fuck was your face doing there, you idiot?!” and “Jesus, the press is going to eat me alive!” had the compassion to say “Somebody get fuckface a towel or something?! He’s bleeding out like a pig, and these shoes cost more than your life!” 

Rest in peace, Dick. If there’s a crippled bird game park with extremely lax safety regulations in heaven, I know you’re getting one hell of an apology right now. 

White House Honors Dick Cheney With a 21-Gun-To-The-Face Salute

Posted on by editorialteam

WASHINGTON — The White House honored late Vice President Dick Cheney with a 21-gun-to-the-face salute, confirmed sources who wanted no part in volunteering for whatever that entailed.

“We are paying tribute to the third greatest vice president in American history the only way we know how,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “As a man whose legacy involved using the military to resolve international disagreements and minor foreign inconveniences as well as mistaking his buddy for a quail while hunting in 2006, this 21-gun-to-the-face salute is our way of honoring the man who was once played by Christian Bale in a movie for some reason. Dick also famously had five heart attacks during his lifetime, so as a bonus display of gratitude, we will be stabbing five immigrants in the chest at random. It’s what Dick would’ve wanted.” 

Former Second Lady Lynne Cheney was pleased with the military sign of respect.

“It was such a touching moment when those White House interns were shot square in the face. I will never forget the beautiful way their heads exploded on impact,” said Cheney. “Dick was known as a peacemaker through military-grade force, so I can’t think of a more appropriate way to celebrate his legacy. People like to make fun of Dick for what he did to his best friend. But honestly, that guy turned out fine, so how bad could it have been? If Democrats had things their way, no one would be allowed to own a 28-gauge shotgun to kill a five-ounce bird or accidentally mangle their friend’s face. That’s freedom right there.”

Experts were quick to note other questionable displays from the White House over the years. 

“For some reason the White House can’t get enough of honoring US warmongers,” said historian Lucille Pierce. “For instance, upon the death of Donald Rumsfeld, the White House tortured a few prisoners using Old Donnie’s personal favorite methods. And when Henry Kissinger died, they ceremoniously blew up the southern tip of Greenland in his honor because he really hated that place and they didn’t think anyone would notice.”

In accordance with his wishes, Cheney’s ashes will be scattered inside a missile before it’s used for a military strike on Iraq.  

Andrew Cuomo Gets Penis Stuck in Ballot Box

Posted on by editorialteam

NEW YORK — Earlier today, New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was seen leaving a polling station in an ambulance with a ballot box wrapped around his penis.  

“Just like all of New York City, the ballot box wanted him really badly,” said Cuomo’s campaign manager Greg Goldner, sweat visibly forming on his brow. “So he did what any great mayor would do, give the people (or in this case the ballot box) what it wanted. Becoming aroused by the concept of a democratic election is called patriotism. Mr. Cuomo will not apologize for his passion toward the democratic process. Going the extra step and actually fornicating with a ballot box? Well, that’s just called being Italian.” 

After the news broke of Mr. Cuomo’s latest sex scandal, President Trump took to Truth Social to endorse the candidate a second time. 

“NEW YORK MUST VOTE FOR CUOMO! ONLY A REAL AMERICAN WOULD GET AN ERECTION FOR AN ELECTION, AND IT IS SAID THAT HIS IS ALMOST AS BIG AS MINE! COMMUNIST ZOHRAN WILL KILL ALL FUTURE ELECTIONS AND MAKE ALL ERECTIONS ILLEGAL! GET OUT AND VOTE FOR CUOMO NEW YORK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.”

At press time, poll workers are consulting with attorneys to see if the ballots covered in Andrew Cuomo’s semen count as a vote towards Cuomo or just pretty much trash.

Nitrous Mafia Snitch Found at Bottom of Lake Wearing Cement Birkenstocks

Posted on by Mike Maher

BOSTON — Local nitrous dealer James “Lawnboy” Carpenter was found dead at the bottom of Mystic Lake wearing only a pair of cement Birkenstocks, sources close to the waterlogged rat confirmed.

“Everyone thinks Lawnboy got whacked because he snitched. Not true. It’s because he fucking stank,” a nitrous mafia capo who demanded to remain anonymous said. “This wook smelled so foul, the feds followed his stench all the way from The Assembly of the Auras Festival back to our tank refilling facility. Lawnboy’s poor hygiene and even shittier taste in music became too much of a liability, so we strapped a pair of concrete Birks to his grubby little feet and tossed him in the drink. Probably the first bath this hippie’s had in ages. Listen kids, if you want to sling nang for the noz mob, you best watch your ass, and especially wash it.”

Detective Pam Bagg from the Boston Police Marine Unit described the unexpected challenges around recovering Carpenter’s body.

“Visibilty was zero due to the lake being covered in a thick scum of patchouli oil,” Bagg said. “If it wasn’t for Lawnboy’s backpack full of glowsticks, we would have never spotted him. But the real problems occurred upon descent. Our dive team became entangled in what we first thought were reeds but were actually whiteboy dreads, which strangled two of our divers to death before we finally reached Lawnboy, who was still smiling, presumably from one final hit of hippy crack. After jackhammering away at his cement mandals, Lawnboy’s frail, unathletic body floated to the surface easily, as did all the marine life his stench caused to perish.”

Carpenter’s girlfriend Chantal Reese grieves the loss of her primary N20 supplier and soulmate.

“I’m heartbroken,” Reese sobbed above the hiss of her nitrous tank. “Lawnboy was a dope boyfriend and even doper dope dealer. He had, like, this crazy ability to bring everyone together with his fatty whippets but then repel them with his rank-ass body odor just so we could be alone together. So romantic. Now every time I see a balloon I’m reminded of Lawnboy, and then I suck on it and forget who he is, why I’m sad, and how I pissed myself.”

At press time, the same nitrous mafia responsible for offing Carpenter was seen selling commemorative Lawnboy balloons beside his casket at the funeral.

Phew! The New Black Metal Band You Like Are Just Murderers and Not White Supremacists

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Whoops, looks like you jumped headfirst into the discography of newly-discovered black metal band Øde Festning without checking to see if their lyrics are a steady stream of far-right, fascist hate speech. Rookie mistake! Haven’t you learned anything over the course of the last few decades? Everyone knows black metal, beyond any other genre, requires you to comb through every song lyric and interview to make sure the members aren’t Nazis. Don’t you remember how embarrassed you were after you purchased that Burzum ‘Filosofem’ shirt without learning how repugnant Varg Vikernes is? Looks like we’ll do your homework for you since you apparently can’t be trusted with your fandom of this type of music.

As it turns out, we’ve got great news for you! While one of the members of Øde Festning has been jailed on multiple occasions, most notably for a pretty heinous and unprovoked murder, it does not appear to have been racially motivated. Phew!

In 1998, the band’s drummer Tempter stabbed a random bystander to death outside of a night club in Oslo, because according to him, “one cannot truly be black metal if one’s knife has never parted innocent flesh”. Um, ok. We’re just glad that it wasn’t extremist political ideology that led him to take the life of that hapless 31-year-old law clerk. If only all black metal musicians were as morally upstanding as Tempter is!

Furthermore, all of the outspoken messages of ill will and hatred espoused by the band throughout their career appear to be directed at the human race on the whole, and not towards any peoples in particular. Looks like you’re in the clear on this one (at least for now)! As fascism continues to take its toll around the globe, it’s only a matter of time before at least one member of Øde Festning supports an unsavory political candidate or makes a horribly misinformed and prejudiced statement on immigration, so be sure to do your homework on this one. At least when that happens, you can outspokenly eschew all future releases by the band while telling people you liked them when they were just murderers and hadn’t lost their minds yet.

There you have it! Turn up the volume on their latest LP and relish in the tinny, purposely under-produced majesty that is Øde Festning! Also, we see that Nokturnal Mortum album on your shelf back there. Are you sure you want to display that?

US Government Urges Citizens to Choose Mad Max Style Post-Apocalyptic Name Now Before All the Good Ones are Taken

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — A White House press release suggests that citizens come up with “wasteland personas” soon before all the good ones are scooped up, press corps sources report.

“President Trump’s plan to make America great again is in full swing and will usher in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity,” explained press secretary Karoline Leavitt while rubbing her huge cross pendant. “However, it’s likely there will be a period of pain and discomfort while the systems on which you’ve relied upon your whole lives collapse and are replaced by techno-fiefdoms as hordes of lawless cannibals roam the devastated countryside hunting for human flesh. It would be wise to prepare by picking out an appropriate name for yourself before they’re all taken. You can register your new moniker at wasteland.gov.”

Some Americans, such as Kansas City furniture salesman Gabe Swiniarski, are nervous about the possibility of the US devolving into a nightmarish dystopia.

“I’m not a hardcore MAGA guy, but I did vote for Trump three times,” said Swiniarski as he struggled to fashion body armor from polyester couch cushions. “I just thought he was going to bring grocery prices down, but now there’s all this talk of roving barbarians and blighted hellscapes. That’s not what I voted for, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it. I haven’t decided on a name yet. I was thinking maybe Gabe the Skullcrusher, and my theme could be furniture-related? Like I could make a club out of a table leg, for instance. I’ve already created a cool harness and codpiece from leather couch swatches.”

Doomsday prepper Arnold Rouleau says people who are just beginning the process of getting ready for the apocalypse are already too late.

“I’ve been prepping for decades. If you’re just coming up with ideas now for how you’ll survive the coming cataclysm, you’re cooked,” said Rouleau from his fortified basement bunker. “I’ve got my water filtration system, years worth of canned food, and enough guns to take down an army of bloodthirsty radioactive savages. I chose my handle years ago, too: I’m going to be Dongus Rex the Testiculator. I’ve got a really cool costume covered with spikes and chains, and a massive steel phallus that shoots flames fifty yards. So yeah, I’m ready.”

At press time, the president took to Truth Social to announce a new line of Trump-branded battle gear including gold-plated maces, helmets and barbed-wire wrapped baseball bats.

New Disneyland Attraction Just Roped off Area for Couples To Scream at Each Other

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ORLANDO — Disney celebrated the grand opening of its newest park attraction today, consisting of a roped off area in the middle of the Magic Kingdom for couples to scream at each other, park employees have reported.

“Honestly it’s wild we didn’t think of this sooner. Around 40% of our guests are couples who let their problems and generational trauma boil over into public screaming matches in front of the churro stand, so we just sectioned off that one spot where couples usually propose, threw up some ‘Monster’s Inc.’ cutouts, and named it the Screamatorium,” said park executive Shannon Walker. “We’ve ensured the line moves painfully slow in order to really let the acrimony build and explode over buying too many custom Minnie Mouse ears. It’s currently more popular than the Haunted Mansion and Space Mountain combined, so yeah I think we have ourselves a hit.”

Riders described the new attraction as a visceral, tour-de-force thrill.

“What a ride! The combination of the humidity, crippling debt just to be here, and my husband’s refusal to match my outfit ramped up the intensity so much, we were airing out our marital problems in public like it was nothing. And we got our picture with Sully!” said Wendy Jackson. “I can’t believe we used to accuse each other of flirting with the actors during brunch inside Cinderella’s castle. I think we might go again, I’m not done getting answers about why his parents refuse to come to our house for Thanksgiving.”

Florida’s tourism board said many parks in the state are tapping into visitors’ anger.

“It’s no secret that tourism is down and families are cutting costs, so to get people in the gates we’ve encouraged Disney and other theme parks to let visitors tap into the simmering rage and anxiety they’ve been experiencing. For example, Universal’s upcoming Halloween Horror Nights will allow VIP guests to pay actors to dress up as dead relatives and then fight them,” said John Frankel. “Even Legoland will have multicolored brick divorce attorney offices both here and in California by 2026. Seriously, it’s going to be time to visit if you’re obsessed with franchises and hate your partner.”

Disney also announced the Screamatorium would be adding a family annex for parents to permanently abandon their whining, ungrateful children who need to pee right before getting on every ride.

The Hard Times Guide To Tricking Your Summer Fling Into Listening to Pulp

Posted on by Amy Currul

Ah, summer is in the air, and so is opportunity – the opportunity to meet someone new and exciting, and turn them into a Pulp fan. But how will you subtly go about introducing this person to the most underrated band of the nineties by way of seducing them? We here at The Hard Times present our guide to .

Stake Out Your Target
Friday night, go out with the intention of meeting a summer fling who could also be converted into a fan of Pulp. Your best bet will probably be a sports bar. The bar portion of a comedy club will suffice. Avoid dive bars, as any prospect there will hear the name Jarvis Cocker and begin proliferating on the brilliance of “Different Class”. Once you’ve determined they are a suitable candidate for a summer fling, you can begin.

Plant The Seed
Start by arguing Star Trek vs. Star Wars then segue into William Shatner chatter. Before you know it his music career has come up and pillow talk can turn into watching a YouTube rip of his 2004 cover of “Common People”.

Lure Them In
Two weeks in, take a walk at sunset along a pier or boardwalk. Split a pair of AirPods and play them “Bar Italia” while lamenting how you would have been at Glastonbury on June 25, 2011 when they played a surprise set in-between Tame Impala and James Blake, but you were 16 living in the suburbs of Boston and your parents never would have let you. As the song ends, sigh and say you never want that song or this summer to end while running your finger down their arm, infatuating your fling with the moment and cementing the soundtrack to your in their mind as Pulp.

Seal The Deal
The Sunday night of Labor Day weekend, post a small selection from “F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E” on your Instagram story (which they watch religiously) with a picture vaguely related to a romantic night out the two of you had. Once you see the song pop up on their Spotify listening history, text them back and say you had a lot of fun this summer but don’t see this turning into anything long term. This will inflict maximum emotional damage and therefore guarantee a new lifelong Pulp fan has been born.

Burnt Out Teacher Way More Excited for Career Day Presentations Than the Kids

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local over-worked teacher Jason Nance was far more interested in her class’s Career Day presentations than her own students, sources confirm.

“Despite the low pay, lack of resources, disrespectful students, absent administration, vindictive parents, high-stakes standardized testing, and an increasingly politicized curriculum, I really love my job,” said the 8th grade English teacher while browsing Monster.com. “And while I would never leave teaching, it’s just so inspirational learning about event planning and Best Buy cashier jobs, and how somebody would, hypothetically, go about attaining that sort of career and how one might, theoretically, submit your CV to them.”

And while Nance puts on a brave face, her all-encompassing mental exhaustion isn’t going unnoticed.

“She’s had one foot out the door since November,” quipped Ryan Nash, one of Nance’s students. “For yesterday’s warmup, she asked us to write a paragraph on what we want to do when we grew up, then research what local community colleges offered courses in that field. And for the main lesson, she’s shown us ‘Flowers for Algernon’ three times in a row now. Which is cool, but that book isn’t even on the standardized test we’re gonna take. She even asked us to proofread a fake resume one time, but she left her name at the top. If she’s this desperate to get out of teaching, I could probably hook her up with an unpaid internship at my dad’s company.”

Changing careers, while daunting, can be lucrative in the long-term.

“Going back to school can be a great way to increase your lifetime earnings,” said career coach Michelle Stanwick. “It’s no secret going back to school on a teacher’s salary is tough, but there are tons of ways you can save up money. And while the temptation to move back in with your parents while you figure out your next move might be alluring, I’d only recommend this if you don’t care about your mental well-being, or having any semblance of a dating life. Now, I used to be a teacher myself, and what I did to save up for community college was donate plasma, steal cafeteria food, and sleep in my car.”

At press time, Nance took a job at a local insurance company, where she enjoys annual raises, a quiet work environment, and the ability to go to the bathroom whenever she wants.