Guy Looking For Lost Keys Kind of Killing Orgy’s Vibe

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEDONA, Ariz. — Attendees of an orgy reported that the evening’s highly charged sexual atmosphere was being ruined by a participant looking for the keys he lost during the course of the fuck-a-thon, confirmed previously horned up sources.

“I was in a bukkake session when out of nowhere this guy with his phone’s flashlight appeared and asked if anybody had seen his keys,” reported one of the guests, who requested anonymity. “We all stopped while he looked around, but once we got going again the mood had completely shifted. The last thing I wanted to see were the doughy bodies and withered, mostly flaccid cocks that had been in my mouth just moments ago. To his credit, he was apologetic, and Lord knows I’d be freaking out too if I lost my keys, but there’s an etiquette involved at these parties  and this was in clear violation.”

The participant in question confirmed the version of events, but indicated that his hands were tied given the circumstances.

“I get that I was being a ‘boner-killer’ as one of my neighbors put it, but I couldn’t just leave without my keys,” the defensive guest stated. “My car, house, and office keys were on that ring, so how was I even going to get home and to work without them? It’s not as if I was tapping some couple mid-69 on the shoulder and asking if they had seen them! I was trying my best to be as non-intrusive as possible, but judging from the looks I was getting I guess I failed. Still, I don’t think it’s fair to say I ruined the whole orgy as that one woman kept screaming at me. I was only looking for a few minutes at most.”

Experts noted the risks involved with group sex, including drug use and exposure to STIs, but indicated that with careful planning, losing items is something that is easily avoidable.

“When attending an orgy, it’s crucial for the attendees to keep track of personal belongings in order to lose themselves in the depraved debauchery,” indicated columnist Dan Savage. “Even if one loses something like an article of clothing or, in this case keys, the polite thing to do is wait until the event is over and then look. If nothing else, he should’ve just tossed his keys in the bowl like most guests do.”

At press time, the man looking for his keys had given up and was spotted waiting in line to run a train on another guest.

Stephen Miller Admits He’s Just Building Aryan Nation Cred for His Inevitable Imprisonment

Posted on by Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller admitted that he’s just building Aryan Nation credibility for his inevitable imprisonment, confirmed sources.

“When I started losing my hair the first time Elon Musk fucked my wife ten years ago or so, I realized that I was a perfect Aryan specimen,” expressed Miller as he rubbed baby oil on his perfectly shiny dome. “Since that day, I’ve dedicated my life to building credibility with the Aryan Brotherhood for if, sorry when, I go to prison for my heinous crimes. The racism, the dog whistles, the Christo-Fascism is all in hopes of getting protection by taller, balder, stronger white men than me. If they don’t have my back, the Latin Kings are going to shank me in the shower ‘cause I have it coming. Maybe I can trade Steve Bannon for a few ramen packets.”

Although Miller was confident in his assessment of esteem among the Aryans, the neo-Nazis themselves were not so sure.

“We don’t want that pencil-necked geek,” explained Aryan Nation captain Vern Schillinger. “We want strong, Aryan soldiers. Not some nerd who can read. He doesn’t even have a swastika tattooed on his forehead, even though he would definitely get away with it if he did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of all of the racial hatred he’s spread across America. That’s all great. But we have standards. Plus, there’s just something about his face, he looks like such a fucking loser. Like someone just farted next to him, at all times. I don’t know. Maybe when he says the Fourteen Words on television we will claim him, but until then, I don’t think so.”

Prison experts are already theorizing about how Miller will fare in prison.

“Well everyone is going to beat the shit out of him, that’s for sure,” said penology and gang expert Dr. Wanda Goode. “I think MS-13 is going to get the first crack at him. They’re pretty mad that he calls every immigrant part of MS-13, it’s really watering down their brand. Next, I’d say the Black Guerilla Family will probably snap his twig legs and kick him in the stomach. Finally, the Aryans might finally Google him and realize that he’s Jewish, then they’ll really let him have it.”

At press time, Miller was watching “Let’s Go To Prison” on repeat before switching to the Rob Schneider classic “Big Stan.”

New Ayatollah From Chicago

Posted on by Shane Pauker

TEHRAN — Following Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s assassination in Operation Epic Fury, the Islamic Republic of Iran has appointed its first American-born Ayatollah.

“I, like my predecessors, intend to uphold traditions of Bears hegemony and dyeing the Caspian Sea green for Eid,” Ayatollah Bob Hosseini told his country in a press conference. “Only through the support of the hardworking operatives who installed me can this modern age of Islam, like the sauce in a properly-made pizza, end up on top. May my reign long be remembered as an era of peace and harmony with American oil interests!”

Iranian officials have long anticipated the potential political benefits of an American Ayatollah.

“We searched all over the country for a leader who might soften America’s drone strikes, or at least somebody who might let us start to build nuclear plants again,” explained Iranian leadership councilor Alireza Arafi. “It was a star search for who might finally garner American sympathies. We determined that anybody from New Jersey would fail to improve American opinions. We vetted mosques in Pennsylvania and, unfortunately, found that it was always Sunni in Philadelphia. So, sure, after the recent pope appointment, a midwestern leader seemed gauche, but the CIA has assured us that Ayatollah Bob really was the best choice.” 

Islamic scholars have expressed mixed opinions on Hosseini’s appointment.

“There’s nothing in the Quran, I guess, that says a Chicagoan can’t be Ayatollah,” UCLA Islamic studies professor Alam Sayeed theorized. “Technically speaking, his use of all-beef franks means it’s only a social abomination — not a religious one — that he’s been putting celery salt and a full salad on top of hot dogs. It is of some concern, though, that Bob’s beard appears to be pinned on and his spray tan keeps melting off.”

The new Ayatollah was last seen celebrating his appointment with a shot of non-alcoholic malört.

World War II Veteran Still Suffering From Hitler Derangement Syndrome

Posted on by Trevor Graham

CHICAGO — A veteran who fought in World War II still continues to have “Hitler Derangement Syndrome” to this day, even at the age of 99, sources who keep meaning to check out “Band of Brothers” confirmed.

“I don’t really understand it. As I recall, I fought in the war to protect my country and to help defeat the Nazis, but now I’m being told that I just have something called ‘Hitler Derangement Syndrome,’” said Major Tom Wilkinson. “It was such a long time ago. I guess I just don’t remember what we were even fighting for. Maybe something about invading Greenland or tariffs? I gave up my youth and my innocence for the war, and a lot of my friends gave the ultimate sacrifice to their country to stop fascism. Seeing how things are now in the world, I guess we shouldn’t have even bothered.”

Some of Wilkinson’s family members think that he was just too easily susceptible to outside influences, convincing him that everything Hitler did was wrong.

“My grandfather was only 18 when he went to fight, and his young mind was just ripe for the liberal media of the 1940s,” said Travis Wilkinson while preparing to record his political podcast. “Just another classic case of the left’s agenda to indoctrinate young men into believing there is something wrong with a strong alpha leader who just wants to make his country great. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think everything Hitler did was great. Like, he was a vegetarian and painted those fruity paintings. But that doesn’t make him crazy.”

Fox News contributor Jesse Watters wonders if WWII vets like Wilkinson even really deserve the praise that society gives them.

“I mean, look, do I respect the military? Sure. Do I thank them for their service? Obviously, if I’m on camera or in public. But are these old WWII vets really the ‘greatest generation’? If they’re so ‘great’ then how could they have been so easily duped by the lamestream media,” said Watters while sitting in the makeup chair. “Let’s not forget also that FDR was president at the time and was filling the heads of impressionable young men with ideas like social security and ‘providing for the commonwealth.’ All so he could try to get the country out of the great depression. Hey Franklin, it’s a free market, just let it do its thing!”

At press time, Wilkinson was informed by his grandson that he was actually a socialist for living off of his veteran’s retirement benefits for so long, and he should consider entering the job market again on his 100th birthday.

Five CAPTCHA Tests That I Fucking Crushed This Week

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You know, I really don’t understand why everyone in my life is telling me that I haven’t amounted to anything. After all, if I was such a fuck-up, how would I have been able to work seven jobs over the past year? I was even able to hold onto one of them for longer than a month. But I digress. Here’s a little “fuck you” to all the naysayers out there: five CAPTCHA tests that I fucking crushed this week. Read ‘em and weep, boys.

  1. Select all squares with BICYCLES

Got this when I was trying to log onto Facebook to share this sick-ass “Stand for the flag, kneel for the cross” meme I saw on r/counteveryvote, and guess what? Absolutely annihilated it in one shot. Got to show all my friends and family, at least the ones who still speak to me, what it means to be a real patriot. You’re welcome.

  1. Select all squares with CROSSWALKS

This one gave me a little bit more trouble while I was trying to meet remotely with my parole officer, but I passed it with flying colors in just two attempts. I’m not even sure why I still need to meet with the guy. Donald Trump already personally pardoned me for all the worst stuff I did in Nancy Pelosi’s office a few years back. Whatever.

  1. Select all squares with TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Pssht, like I even need to pay attention to these fucking things when I’m hauling ass in my 2013 Kawasaki KX250F, you know? No matter, because I was able to hit all the squares on the first try, even the one that was off to the side with just a little bit of the traffic light in it, so I could buy tickets for the Breaking Benjamin show next month. Fuck yeah.

  1. Select all squares with BRIDGES

Ran into this one when I was trying to log on to the Discover website after I got some pushback from the Breaking Benjamin ticket purchase. I swear to God it’s my credit card, so I don’t know what the issue is. At any rate, this test gave me absolutely no issue.

  1. Select all squares with STAIRS

So I had to meet with my parole officer again, OK? Looks like the little mixup with the credit card is going to be a whole thing. The worst part of it is I might not get to go see Breaking Benjamin live, which fucking sucks. I did crush the CAPTCHA test, but it looks like that’s the least of my concerns right now. Goddamnit.

Diarrhea Planet Apologize for Making Good Music After Naming Their Band That

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Garage punk band Diarrhea Planet issued an apology for releasing good music after having chosen such an awful band name, sources report.

“From the bottom of our hearts, everyone in Diarrhea Planet sincerely apologizes,” said frontman Jordan Smith. “When we named our band, we had no idea that we would end up writing multiple studio albums and EPs of high-quality music. We were just fooling around with our instruments in a garage and wanted to gross people out. We were already well-known in our local scene by the time we were recording in a professional studio, so it was too late for a name change. Nonetheless, this is something we should have caught earlier, and for that, we have nothing to offer our fans aside from earnest contrition.”

Fan Hannah Brier was not sure whether she accepted the apology.

“I’m going to have to think about this for a while,” Brier sighed. “I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me what I’m listening to on my headphones or my car stereo, and I furiously blush as I tell them the name. Ugh, I hate saying it out loud. Couldn’t they have opted for almost literally any other name for their band? Christ, even ‘Poop Planet’ would have been an improvement. At the very least, they could have had the decency to make terrible music that nobody wanted to listen to. I absolutely hate that they’re one of my favorites.”

Music expert Reginald Young reflected on the disconnect that sometimes occurs between bands and their names.

“This certainly isn’t the first time that a band has made good music while having a horrible name, but it might be the most egregious example,” Young said. “This is especially prevalent in genres aside from metal, as you rarely hear Dying Fetus fans complain about the band’s moniker, for example. Bands like The Band or Death Cab for Cutie are known for making good music despite the fact that their names are abominable. My advice to fans is to just continue shrugging sheepishly when telling friends and family what music they’re listening to or what band they’re going to see. Particularly with Diarrhea Planet, there’s really no other approach that I can think of.”

At press time, Smith offered to change the band’s logo to unreadable black metal font so fans wouldn’t feel embarrassed to wear their shirts.

Tech Startup Aims To Disrupt Humanity’s Concept of a Happy and Fulfilling Life

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tech startup Optium will soon launch an app that aims to disrupt humanity’s concept of a happy and fulfilling life by conditioning users to regard their daily doomscroll as an instrumental component of a meaningful existence, according to leaked company documents.

“For too long, the demands of work, family and friendship have interfered with people’s quest for fulfillment,” said Optium CEO Kai Fattum. “But our BlitheHack App is equipped with intuitive AI that can curate user experiences so that no one will ever again feel empty and regretful after spending 95% of their waking hours swiping through nothing but AI-generated content, targeted ads, and social media comments through their VR headsets. As humans, we need purpose and more importantly, digital purpose. To doomscroll is to live.”

Beta-tester and adjunct professor of philosophy Dr. Nolan Mims claims that BlitheHack’s algorithm peppers clichés from the world of positive psychology into users’ feeds to intensify dopamine hits, especially when users engage with rage bait posted by loser incels blasting out content from their parents’ basement.

“I’m generally dubious when some tech startup trashes perennial truths about how to live a happy and noble life,” said Dr. Mims. “But given what the gutting of liberal arts education is doing to my job security, I’m going to hedge my bets and say that Optium won’t do any more damage to people’s sense of reality than what Meta or TikTok or X have already done. And who knows? Maybe Optium will float a six-figure salary to underemployed academics like me who are willing to suffer the indignity of having a pretentious job title like Chief Wellness Optimizer if the gig comes with health insurance.”

Tech stock expert Cody Brayden thinks the Optium app could be a sound investment. 

“Optium’s PR team makes a convincing case that their algorithm will adroitly exploit the psychological vulnerabilities of teens, and thus, their business model should be profitable for years to come,” said Brayden. “Whether the app can truly rewire users’ concept of happiness to the point that folks come to believe the insolent hottakes posted by the dregs of internet society are an enriching part of their day remains to be seen, but if Optium can monetize humanity’s growing aversion to the always perplexing and often arduous search for meaning and fulfillment, then investing in Optium is a true no-brainer.”

At press time, Professor Mims had yet to receive an interview after applying at Optium for the job of Assistant Curator of Digital Bliss.

Opinion: I’m Watching a Graphic Sex Scene on This Flight, and There Isn’t a Goddamn Thing Any of You Can Do About It

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

Well, well, well. The gang’s all here. And by “the gang,” I mean me, this awesome sex scene, and everyone else on the plane. That’s right, we’re floating perilously 30,000 feet above the earth, which means there is a 0% chance any of you are stopping me from getting aroused as I nurse my ginger ale.

I mean, if you’ve got a problem with it, you’re more than welcome to leave. Oh, wait, you can’t. Because we’re screaming through the troposphere at 500 MPH. I mean, you could always ask the people in the emergency exit row if they can help you open the doors. The flight attendants made them promise they would before they sat down. And while that’s a binding legal agreement, I don’t expect any of them to honor it. 

Speaking of legalities, I challenge any of you to try to take my laptop by force. I’ll film it, put it on the internet, and make it seem like YOU’RE the unruly passenger. Then I’ll sue, and we’ll have to play the sex scene in court. Forcing you to watch it all over again, but this time as I take all your money. 

And besides, if HBO didn’t want anybody watching these scenes on a flight, they would have added a warning. So as far as I’m concerned, I’m watching these scenes exactly as the creators intended, and helping them carry out their artistic vision. So let’s face it. You’re fucked. Just like all the people in the sex scene currently blaring through my gigantic 18-inch laptop screen.  

And to those of you wondering why I can’t just wait until I get to my hotel room to watch Caligula, I’d like to say, “Good question. Fuck you.” Because I paid for this flight. And I’ll be damned if I’m inconvenienced for any amount of time by anyone for any reason. 

Go ahead, tell yourself you’re going to do something about this. Sure, just as soon as we touch ground, you’re going to figure out which part of the airport handles passenger conduct complaints and march straight there and give them a piece of your mind! Cut to, we land, and you get up, and the blood rushes to your legs, and your ears pop, and you’re tired, and you’re at the airport, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of there. 

By the time you get your bag, you won’t even be sure if I was real. Trust me, I’ve been doing this a long time. And I’ll be doing it longer still. Now, are you gonna keep whinnying about it, or are you gonna sit down and watch Malcolm McDowell get his fuck on? 

New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

WORTHINGTON, Mass. — Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he crowdsourced his new album, “I’m Not Racist, You Are,” from the popular right-wing subreddit r/Conservative, impotent rage-fueled sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it’s true. I used it as a source of inspiration for my new album,” said Lewis, strumming an American flag guitar. “I didn’t have time to write a record by myself because I was too busy catching up on my Daily Wire podcasts. And let’s be honest — r/Conservative is chocked full of real American values like the right to bear arms in a Starbucks but not during a protest, freedom of speech except when you disagree politically, and AI images of Jesus wearing a MAGA hat.”

Longtime Lewis fan Ken Hammond defended the musician’s decision to borrow from the subreddit.

“Apparently, I gotta stand with Aaron on this one,” asserted Hammond. “Initially, I wasn’t sure how to feel about the issue, but r/Conservative convinced me which side to take. For example, I was fully against that mask-wearing shit in 2020 because masks were killing us with our own recycled oxygen. But thanks to that sub, now I understand that they’re life-saving tools for law enforcement. Similarly, I supported the Second Amendment by bringing my AR-15 to every protest I ever went to, but after Minneapolis I see that guns are fuckin’ dangerous and were clearly the problem all along.”

Political scientist Chris Soochey discussed how the subreddit is a soothing echo chamber for conservatives.

“American conservatives are a truly fascinating bunch,” observed Soochey. “They currently control all three branches of government, and yet they’re still unhappy. The reason is that they have a collective persecution complex, making them inherently miserable people who are incapable of experiencing joy. Naturally, the closest thing to happiness they’ll ever get is logging onto r/Conservative to celebrate the administration’s gleeful cruelty and unbridled hatefulness in a hall-of-mirrors circlejerk. Similarly, conservatives’ abhorrence towards the humanities is causing a lack of media literacy, so it’s no wonder they like ‘Star Wars’ but took the wrong message from Emperor Palpapine saying, ‘Let the hate flow through you.’”

At press time, Lewis clarified that his decision was either a brilliant songwriting shortcut or a Democrat hoax, depending on which option is the better narrative.

Centrist Historian Claims Death Toll at Auschwitz Could’ve Been Mitigated if SS Guards Had Better Training 

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

WASHINGTON — Centrist historian Milt DeWalt claimed that opponents of the Nazis should have been willing to reach across the ideological aisle to ensure that guards at Auschwitz received better training, confirmed sources. 

“My concern is that the ‘Never Again’ lens for thinking about the Holocaust ignores the fact that a few simple tweaks to SS guard training protocols could’ve triggered an incrementalist solution,” said Professor DeWalt. “Radical elements of the Nazi Resistance petulantly demanded Rohr full liberation of all concentration camps, but my research suggests they should have sought out compromise. Persuading the Führer to invest in commonsense reforms would’ve forced SS guards to adhere to best practices in prison camp sanitation and typhus abatement. If that era’s moralistic fanatics got out of the way, sensible centrists could’ve found common ground with Himmler and Hitler and a problem-solvers caucus could have emerged to rein in some of the Nazi’s worst atrocities.”

Seth Cowann, a former aide to New York Senator Chuck Schumer and current Domestic Policy Fellow at the center-left Third Way think tank, defended DeWalt’s moderate take on lessons to glean from Holocaust studies.

“Our Third Way mission is to boost the kind of scholarship that polls favorably with the Beltway elite,” said Cowann. “While giving more money to Nazi guards would likely have seemed counterintuitive to opponents of fascism during the World War II era, creative consensus builders of the 21st century understand that outside-the-box thinking may have increased worker productivity at forced-labor camps while also slightly mitigating the mass slaughter of innocents at death camps.”

Holocaust scholar and human rights activist Norm Fierstein blasted DeWalt’s revisionist history. 

“Sadly, this type of lazy reasoning and hollow grandstanding can get you a column in The Atlantic or The New York Times,” said Fierstein. “So perhaps this centrist historian is just a worthless sellout and not truly the kind of milquetoast moderate who truly believes the mealy-mouthed bullshit he espouses. But whether it’s in a reexamination of Nazi thugs carrying out a genocide or in contemporary commentary on ICE goons violating people’s constitutional rights and murdering protestors, self-proclaimed ‘enlightened centrists’ always make fools of themselves by fetishizing an eagerness to compromise even when doing so makes them complicit in crimes against humanity.”

At press time, the centrist historian was booked to share his perspective on the podcasts of Steve Bannon and Gavin Newsom.