MINNEAPOLIS — Maku Lee, drummer for punk band Meatsleeves, attempted to pass off a song idea as having come from ChatGPT, sources confirmed.
“The band barely allows me to talk, much less bring up a song idea. During breaks in practice, the bassist and I just go into a corner and stare at the wall. Even when I pretend to be a fan online, they know it’s me, because apparently our audience ‘doesn’t give a furry shit’ about moving the snare to the three during breakdowns,” Lee said. “Still, I had this amazing idea to rework our hit ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too’ into an a cappella number. People love retro, right? So instead of telling the band this idea came from me, I gave myself some cover and told them ChatGPT dreamed it up.”
Once again, the band rejected Lee’s idea.
“I’ve fired people before for bad ideas, but I’ve never been brained like that. It almost made me puke. Then, after a minute, I did puke,” said Faye Tully, the band’s manager. “I fired Maku on the spot for using ChatGPT at all. Fuck that technocratic bullshit. I rehired Maku a minute later so that I could fire them a second time for being a drummer with a song idea. Maku stormed off, but I called ‘em back, apologized for overreacting, rehired them, and then fired them thricely. You simply cannot fuck with ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too,’ because it’s the only song people will turn out for at our shows. We stick it at the end of the playlist to give our merch guy time to score chalk for us.”
ChatGPT denied any involvement.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. A capella is a terrible choice for that song,” ChatGPT said in an exclusive chat box. “The world can only tolerate one a capella group or notable performance at a time. While Pentatonix holds the spot now, Rockapella did before that group, just as The Persuasions did prior to that. None of these acts occupied the same time period as the other. If there’s anything else you need help with, I’m just a tap away!”
As of press time, Meatsleeves replaced Lee with two drummers as an extra “fuck you,” and now carries the burden of explaining why there needs to be two drummers.
It seems like most people had a John Hughes phase at some point while they were growing up. Whether it was Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, these iconic movies of the eighties hold a special place in many of our hearts. Well, it seems like things have come full circle, because I believe the next iteration of the Breakfast Club is standing in front of me in the Target self-checkout line. Seriously, these five white teenagers won’t stop complaining about fucking everything.
Jesus Christ, they just won’t let up. Whether it’s the line’s slow movement or the store’s temperature not being warm enough, there doesn’t seem to be any aspect of their current surroundings that they’re not willing to bitch about. I feel like I’m standing behind Emilio Estevez’s character, trying to make himself appear to be the victim as he’s recounting how he physically bullied a weaker classmate, or Anthony Michael Hall’s character whining about his botched woodshop project, all while they lounge unsupervised in the lavish library of their comfortably-funded high school in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Seriously, count your blessings, assholes.
Ugh, goddamnit, now they’re complaining about the self-checkout machine. Is there anything these modern-day Saturday detention attendees are grateful for? Honestly, I’m sorry the barcode on the can of your Sparkling Grape Rush Celsius isn’t scanning properly, but that doesn’t give you leave to have a full-on meltdown in front of the underpaid and overworked Target employee. Seriously, this is more cringe-inducing than Molly Ringwald’s character crying about how difficult being popular is. Goddamnit, do these idiots have any idea what life is like for teenagers in the third world? A little self-awareness would go a long way for them.
Seriously, why can’t I be living out the next version of one of John Hughes’ cool movies, like Weird Science or Uncle Buck? Hell, even Curly Sue would be better than this. Having to listen to a group of teens whine about the system that inordinately favors them is something I really didn’t enjoy in the movie theater, and it’s certainly not something I enjoy when I’m just trying to run into the store real quick to pick up paper towels.
Oh god, the teenagers just got in line at the Starbucks near the entrance. Time for me to dip out of here so I don’t have to witness them making the barista’s life a living hell, too.
LOS ANGELES – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has employed a new strategy to engage younger moviegoers for the 98th Academy Awards ceremony by having presenters explain every 15 minutes to the viewers that they are handing out Oscar statues because it’s an award show, producers have confirmed.
“If great films are going to flourish, this year’s Oscar ceremony needs to grab hold of the attention of young viewers. But the moment any winner goes self indulgent, meandering acceptance speeches, we’ll lose out to TikTok almost immediately. So we’ve borrowed Netflix’s filmmaking approach and asked all presenters to look into the camera and loudly explain that this is an award show for movies, specifically the good ones,” said producer Mike Sweeney. “Sure, repeatedly interrupting the flow of the evening to remind the audience why celebrities are handing out statues to other celebrities will ruin the immersion of those who aren’t chronically online. But it was either this or have the winners announced via Amber Alert warnings, and most people have that feature turned off anyway.”
Some of the show’s writers admitted they felt retooling the show cheapened the accolades.
“I can’t believe we got Conan O’Brien to host the show again, and instead of pitching jokes we have to put all our creative energy into describing in great detail that the awards are divided into different categories and having presenters talk about themselves in the third person,” said staff writer Greg Carter. “I mean, the ‘in memoriam’ segment is going to take forever since we have to explain over and over what that means, and what death is, and that it’s not an award for dying.”
Network executives at ABC were looking forward to the new format.
“With presenters having to incessantly repeat who they are and what they’re doing here, we’ll tack on two hours more of runtime, which means we can sell twice as much advertising space. Think of all the Kalshi ads! Hell, read the definition of what a movie is from the dictionary for all we care,” said executive Brian Johnston. “If this works out, we’re totally overhauling next year’s Grammy Awards to take place entirely in a record store and explain how music can also exist on physical media.”
As of press time, stagehands have reportedly completed a massive 30-foot LCD screen that will play Subway Surfers during the acceptance speeches.
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local man baby Tim Jeffers is looking to tweak his identity to be a silly guy, confirmed sources.
“My ex-girlfriend told me if I didn’t grow up, nobody would take me seriously,” Jeffers explained, sucking on a Zynn like a pacifier. “It was time, according to all the women in my life. But I thought to myself: I’m not going to be one of those serious guys who knows how to tie a tie or has a savings account, I want to be the type of guy that is such a silly goose you never really get to know the real me. Nobody can point a finger because they’re laughing so hard at my hilarious quips, like that time I dazzled everyone at a party with my puns. They thought it was so funny that they all had to leave the room and not talk to me the rest of the night.”
Ex-girlfriend Lea Davis wasn’t buying the rebrand.
“He took me on one actual date in three years, and he wore sweatpants and conveniently forgot his wallet,” said Davis. “You know where we went? The ‘lounge’ inside the Great Wolf Lodge that his cousin was staying at. I got a pina colada that tasted like piss and a grilled skewer of some kind that I can only describe as possum-adjacent. Now that he’s a silly guy, I’m sure he’ll be the same exact person but with more dad jokes. That’s somehow worse.”
Experts warned about the alarming transition to silly guy.
“Silly guys are just man babies who are comedy hacks,” offered psychologist Ruth Vintera. “Interestingly enough, both man babies and silly guys are the result of the male loneliness epidemic, if you believe in that kind of thing. But don’t worry, man babies looking to graduate to silly guys usually won’t last long in that phase. Hopefully, with a little luck, they’ll rebrand as an adult. But you’ll know that they’re actually still in man baby form if they use the term ‘adulting.’ No adult says that.”
At press time, a maturing Jeffers hoped to rebrand as a wife guy, but didn’t even have a girlfriend.
My name is Jed, and I’m ready to tell my story. Many years ago, I had just about the most gorgeous gal a man could ever dream of—my beautiful Sally May. I never even got into her petticoats, because we were real proper. But we was engaged to be married, and I could hardly wait for that magical moment when we would, as man and wife, knock boots.
But then this rapscallion Cotton Eyed Joe swept into town from God knows where like a rotted tumbleweed. He bewitched every woman. But especially my Sally May. She told me I had nothing to worry about, but I caught them out behind the barn acting how the cows and bulls do during mating season.
After that, I never saw him or my Sally May again.
Well, there was nothing left for an old country boy like me to do but pick up my gee-tar and sing the blues. It started real simple, with the truth: If it hadn’t been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I’d a’been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go?
I didn’t know if it was any good, I just knew it was what my soul needed. Once I was done, I wanted to sing my sorrow from the mountaintops.
But I settled for an open mic at a local hoedown.
Now, normally, when you tell your friends your woman has left you, they don’t start line dancing and hootin’ and hollerin’, but I am a simple man, and I have a lot of learning to do about this here modern world.
Pretty soon, I was shoved into a recording booth, and it was all over the place. Then even sooner, people who know a whole lot more about music than me were making what they call “covers.”
I expected that renditions of such a mournful ballad would honor the original pathos and take it to the next level, much like Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” Still, I had yet more to learn because that’s not what God and the world of Swedish Eurodance had planned for me.
I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that even if I can’t have my Sally May, my song has brought people’s crotches and butts together on the dance floor, and that might be a beautiful thing.
LOS ANGELES — Fans of the ‘80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe are reportedly heartbroken and disgusted after hearing bassist Nikki Sixx describe a time that he engaged in an undoubtedly consensual encounter with a woman, according to several sources.
“Nikki is dead to me,” said headbanger and Mötley Crüe fan since 1986 Leon Sprague. “A rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle requires that any sexual encounter must be mediated with the assistance of drugs or alcohol. It is especially helpful if these encounters involve secretly switching out partners in the middle of intercourse without the knowledge of the other person. I swear I’ll never listen to Mötley Crüe again. Not that I could anyway because I blew out my ear drums by listening to too much metal at full volume. Either way, ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ just doesn’t hit the same anymore, I imagine.”
Sixx spoke out in his defense in response to his anecdote.
“Guys, let me tell you something, I never knew how good consensual sober sex could be,” said Sixx while sipping on a non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri. “Yes, I had sex with a woman who was not under the influence and was also not under my employ. She also explicitly stated on videotape ‘I want to have sex with you Nikki’ and then provided me with three separate forms of government ID confirming that she was well over the age of 18. She even signed an affidavit attesting to the fact that everything happened was consensual. I forget where I was going with this but hey it was nice that for once I can recall what happened the next day.”
Rock ‘n’ roll expert Caroline Rede says this isn’t the first time fans have been disappointed by a musician’s behavior.
“There’s a plethora of rock ‘n’ roll scandals we could cover that upset fans,” stated Rede. “Like for example, how disappointed fans of The Monkees were to learn that they actually could shred their instruments. It really ruined their favorite fun fact. Or maybe the fact that Ozzy Osbourne was an ordained Episcopalian minister. Though hearing that Nikki Sixx understands consent seems to be particularly upsetting.”
At press time, fans were even more disappointed to hear about a time Sixx enjoyed feeding ducks at the park while completely sober.
Slasher fans rejoice! Friday the 13th is upon us, that special day of the year (or two, or sometimes three when we’re lucky) that compels us to revisit one of the most storied franchises in horror history! But what if we told you there’s a group of men who not only get to enjoy these films all through the year, but get to terrorize the public at large afterward, not unlike a certain Mr. Voorhees?!
As if that sweet, sweet $50,000 signup bonus and freedom to commit consequence-free murder weren’t enough, ICE agents are actually paid to watch many of the Friday the 13th films as part of their training! According to DHS officials, Jason Voorhees is a prime example of the brutality, tactical cruelty, and relentlessness required to keep this country safe for shareholders.
So, which Jason movies does the DHS deem best for training hordes of roving conservative murder gangs? Let’s break it down!
Note: This is a ranking of the films based on their frequency of use in ICE training, not a ranking of their quality, which, as we all know, goes from best to worst: 2, 5, 4, 3, 6, 1, the reboot, Freddy vs. Jason, 8, Jason X, 7, Jason Goes to Hell.
Jason Goes to Hell (1993)
The undisputed worst entry in the series is also the least effective at training America’s terror elite. Terrible acting, convoluted mythology changes, Kratom Duke(?) — even the average ICE recruit can tell this one missed the mark.
Even the title “Goes to Hell” is a problem, as it brings to mind future consequences for past actions, which you can imagine NONE of these ICE guys want to think about right now.
Friday the 13th (1980)
Sorry, cinema purists, but the OG Friday the 13th is just not an effective ICE training tool. For one thing, it’s just a tad too slow for modern audiences, at least modern audiences who can’t keep looking at racist memes and AI porn on their phones every 5 minutes. Add to that the fact that Jason is not the killer in this one, it’s his mother, and the last thing these guys want to think about is how their mother still has to do like every god damn thing for them. Maybe it would resonate more if there were a scene where Mrs. Vorhees explains that she now considers Jason a roommate, and that she’s actually grateful he lives in the basement, and how just having him around the house is rent enough as far as she’s concerned, but alas, no.
Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)
A fine, even perhaps underrated entry in the Friday the 13th series that sees Jason going up against a girl with psychic powers who accidentally brings him back to life. Unfortunately, it breaks a cardinal rule of both the Friday the 13th franchise and ICE protocol: Jason takes his mask off! A LOT! His mutated zombie face is exposed here for pretty much the entire third act! Jason, you NEVER take the mask off dude! What if somebody has a cell phone?! You know what it was like for all those poor nazis in the ‘60s and ‘70s, THINK man!
Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)
After initial public backlash over the copycat killer in Part 5, the series returns to form by resurrecting its antagonist in a fun, self-aware, somewhat tongue-in-cheek outing. This one is polarizing to fans of the franchise, as it’s the first film to establish Jason as a supernatural being, but that’s not why it can’t hold an ICE recruit’s attention. It’s the lack of tits. There are zero tits in this entire Friday the 13th movie. You might not have noticed, but no ICE agent worth his Zyn pouch is going to watch an entire 90-minute movie without checking Mrskin.com first to make sure it has a little something for the boys.
Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
A stone-cold classic by any metric, arguably the best of the series. The shrine of Mrs. Voorhees’s severed head alone is probably one of the most iconic images in all of horror. Jason is methodical, ruthless, and terrifying right out of the gate, all traits the current administration wishes to foster in its federal agents. Unfortunately, the third act, arguably one of the best and most engaging of any slasher film, is a big miss with ICE. The final girl here is smart, resourceful, and worst of all, gets away at the end! The last thing an ICE agent wants to think about when approaching a blonde woman in a car is her getting away to safety.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
The Monster Energy Drink of Jason movies. Too much setup/lore to be an effective training film for ICE, but a post murder pizza party favorite for sure. The boys go wild for Freddy’s racist joke, and the soundtrack gets them pumped as hell!
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
This one is arguably the perfect balance between serving as an effective ICE training film (the corkscrew kill, great improvisation, Jason, use your surroundings!) and being an absolute ICE crowd pleaser.
Just what is it about this film that captivates the average ICE recruit so much? Is it Crispin Glover’s hilarious dancing? No, they are cultureless swine who can’t appreciate high kitsch. Is it Corey Feldman going full psycho at the end to overcome a dangerous invader? Partly, but the real reason they love it boils down to two words that still echo in the hearts of every true red-blooded American male patriot: “And twins.”
This movie features. Twins. Blonde twins. Blonde twins who are hot and horny. To an ICE recruit, this is the promise of the American dream. The idea of two biologically identical women wanting to go to town on you with zero acknowledgment of how weird and gross that would be is why they get up in the morning. It’s why they do what they do.
Jason X (2001)
Not a high point for the franchise, certainly not a perfect film, but it does teach the importance of putting on a bunch of useless cosplay bullshit to make yourself look and feel more intimidating, and it features a robot lady you can presumably have sex with. Instant ICE classic.
Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
This is what they show ICE recruits on day one, because it teaches the most important lesson they need to know — WEAR A MASK. Yes, this is the first Friday the 13th movie to feature Jason wearing his now iconic hockey mask, and for good reason! As soon as he loses it, the final girl identifies Jason as the man who sexually assaulted her years ago. Agents, are you writing this down? You should be writing this down.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
This one faced a huge public backlash when it was first released due to the lack of Jason, but it has gone on to become a fan favorite and serves as the spiritual center for many ICE agents. In it, an ordinary man takes up the mantle of Jason Voorhees to savagely murder all the people he considers to be what’s wrong with this country, all to avenge his son, whom he abandoned years ago. If there’s ever an ICE Mount Rushmore, and they certainly seem to think there will be, Roy Burns is going up right between Kyle Rittenhouse and George Zimmerman.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Is it the best Friday the 13th movie? No. Is it the most fun Friday the 13th movie? No. Is it the most watchable Friday the 13th movie? Not by a long shot. This movie has more plot holes than the DHS’s account of how the Alex Pretti shooting went down, but it also features Jason doing what ICE wants its people doing the most: Causing carnage in a major American city for no logical reason other than it might get ratings. This is the mission.
Friday the 13th (2009)
It helps that this one begins with the four most captivating words to anyone whose IQ is such that they would consider joining ICE: “Produced by Michael Bay.” And talk about a film that knows its audience. It’s like the moment you think to pull out your phone and see what your AI sex slave girlfriend is up to, BAM, fresh pair of tits on the screen. To many ICE recruits, this film features Jason at his off-the-grid fringe doomsday-prepper best. It’s got some great kills that can be very inspiring to ICE out in the field, but most importantly, Jason doesn’t just kill in this one; he also detains and tortures, and does god-knows-what with an innocent law-abiding woman far from where any pesky reporters or “observers” can reach!
I’m just going to come right out and say it, there are only nine people from high school that I still care about, and everyone else from my graduation class and under can fuck right off. I’m not trying to be callous, I just legitimately have no interest in knowing what people who barely gave me the time of day from 1999-2003 are doing now.
Earlier today, while making an obligatory perusal of the wasteland that is Facebook, I noticed a friend request from someone I had not seen or spoken to since high school. I couldn’t help but laugh, because they clearly sent the request on the wildly miscalculated assumption that I would ever accept it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this guy was an asshole or anything. We got along pretty amicably, evidence that a unified hatred of the same teachers will form unlikely bonds. But it’s been over twenty goddamn years, and I don’t have the mental fortitude to see his life appear on my feed. I already know too much about the people in my life on social media.
It’s the audacity of it all that’s had me chuckling all afternoon. But it’s my own damn fault for still using Facebook, being a boomer millennial and all, but I haven’t accepted a new friend request on that platform since 2012. And since then, I’ve culled dozens of people I barely remember, because I cannot be bothered to see one more quiz result or bad meme from someone I ran cross country with for two years. Trust me, he is just an unfollow waiting to happen six months from now.
Let me speak to them directly for a second: old buddy, old pal, I can assure you there is nothing in my life worth catching you up on. I already hate making small talk with people I just met, and I don’t have the mental energy to condense and then elaborate on two decades of anecdotes and life changes into two paragraphs on Facebook Messenger. The only thing you need to know is that I have a mustache now, which I’m sure you gleaned from my profile picture.
Christ, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. I mean, wouldn’t anyone like to be remembered after 20 years? Wait, oh, for fuck’s sake, now he’s asked to connect on LinkedIn. I just might piss my pants!
REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike of selfishly and aggressively eating all of the seeds in a neighborhood bird feeder, frustrated birders reported.
“I understand that Björk is one with the Earth and all that stuff, but the seeds are intended for the birds and the birds alone,” said Einar Sigurðsson, who stocks the communal bird feeder along with other neighbors. “I admire her commitment to the bit- sometimes she wears the swan dress and she never uses her hands. But have you ever seen a sad puffin? It’ll ruin your week. If that wasn’t bad enough, Björk even made a nest in a nearby tree branch and has been defecating on all the statues. She must be stopped at all costs.”
Members of the Icelandic bird community are trying to raise awareness about musicians, who they consider an invasive species.
“Between Sigur Rós running buck-ass naked through our natural habitat to Of Monsters and Men confusing other birds with their birdcall-like accordion playing, this all needs to stop,” said Gerry, a gyrfalcon who commonly perches atop the Hallgrimskirkja church. “Björk is stealing all the goddamn sunflower seeds, which are the tastiest ones. This is in addition to global warming and the ever-increasing influx of slob American tourists. Iceland? More like… dang, I’m so hungry I can’t think of a pun.”
When asked if this is part of some performance piece, Björk wouldn’t confirm the nature of this strange behavior.
“There is music in the sounds of everyday life, choruses and verses, but the harmonies are found by simply existing,” whispered Björk in hushed, intriguing tones while reeking of suet. “By eating a seed, we become a human terrarium- an incubator for life. I am growing trees within me. And fuck any seagull who tries to get in my way.”
At press time, Björk was last seen boxing out ducks for pieces of bread in a central Reykjavík pond.
WASHINGTON — The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced a three-week run performance featuring Terry Gillespie, a local alcoholic man known for standing on street corners while shouting racial slurs at anyone who walks past him, the venue’s box office has confirmed.
“Oh man, it’s a great honor to be performing at the Kennedy Central. Mister Trump, he asked me to come up on stage and people gonna come see me say the ‘n word’ and then nobody gonna get mad and throw a coffee in my face like they do when I’m just minding my own business gonna corner telling people the TRUTH,” said Gillespie as he finished a bottle of Jack Daniels. “President say I’m gonna be a star. They gonna give me a million dollars to tells people what I already say for free. I’m proof anybody can make it here in the good ol’ USA if ya just keep misgendering people and the liquor store guy don’t care if you hang out in front of the store all day.”
President Trump stated Gillespie was the perfect performer for this moment in history.
“People said it couldn’t be done, that we’re failing because all the losers and nasty so-called artists cancelled all their performances. But here’s a guy who loves America and tells it like it is. So many insults for Asians, it’s amazing. He should’ve headlined the Super Bowl, right folks?” said Trump. “I saw him on that corner, people were spitting on him, and I said we gotta have this guy close out the Trump-Kennedy Center before we make it beautiful. He’s going to pack the house, let me tell you. You’ll never hear a more coherent man string together so many words about the nasty immigrants invading our country. This is what America 250 is all about.”
The venue’s box office staff was less than optimistic about this year’s remaining shows.
“We knew the fix was in after Yo-Yo Ma pulled out of the performance season.The only performers the board want here are either racists, alcoholics, or in the case of Mr. Gillespie, both,” said Katrina Winslow. “That pretty much narrows down candidates to comedians who were on Kill Tony, mental patients booted from the hospital, and Lee Greenwood. The closure in July can’t come soon enough.”
As of press time, Gillespie was tapped to open for Kid Rock at several Rock the Country Festival dates.
