Trump Calls for Boycotting Every Springsteen Song Except the One That Goes “Hey Little Girl Is Your Daddy Home?”

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — President Trump urged his MAGA base to boycott Bruce Springsteen’s entire music catalog except for “I’m on Fire” in a Truth Social post early this morning. 

“Bruce Springsteen, who looks like a DRIED UP PRUNE, has only produced ONE good song in his life. It was a favorite of my friend Jeffery and holds a special place in my heart, but everything else he’s done STINKS!” said the President. “Maybe if the ‘Boss’ had written more songs about hot young American women with daddy issues, he could have performed at Maralago, but instead he decided to contract TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME and completely TANK his career. Thank you for your attention to this matter – President DJT.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly adding “I’m on Fire” to a playlist including Chuck Berry’s “Sweet Little Sixteen,” Ted Nugent’s “Jailbait,” and, for some reason, Luciano Pavarotti’s version of “Ave Maria”. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Modern Day Robin Hood? Kalshi Is Giving War Profiteering Back to the Little Guy

Posted on by Finn Kobler

Finally! Some justice for the working class! I’ll admit, I had my doubts about sports betting site Kalshi after I lost $3000 in my Hawk-Tuah-Coin-Pump-And-Dump-Scandal-Same-Day-As-Jeff-Probst-Rapping-About-The-Applebees-Bourbon-Burger-On-Survivor-48 Parlay last year, but they more than made up for it when they announced we could begin placing wagers on the Iranian war. Now, me and all my fellow Scooter’s Jungle employees can make some dough on this violent geopolitical conflict.

The biggest issue with earning revenue from children dying has always been how inaccessible it is. Plumbers, teachers, improv coaches…these careers have historically been gatekept from financially benefiting from the bombing of hospitals. But Kalshi, as Marx dreamed, is transferring blood money out of bourgeois control and into the noble, calloused hands of craftsmen. 

It’s like if Robin Hood’s Merry Men utilized Amazon Web Services for cloud-native infrastructure to sidestep lawsuits on war crimes. Or if John Henry believed in an Apartheid-like seizure of other countries. My ex-girlfriend Chelsea said there’s a cruel irony to that second one, but I don’t know why. Scorpios, am I right?

Bob Dylan once sang: ‘Come you masters of war/You that build the big guns/You that build the death planes…’ but his voice sounded like shit, so I turned it off and put on Korn instead. If the blockades last long enough, I’ll even have enough cash to buy a signed lyric sheet from them on Autographia! That way, when my daughter Hortha (named after her maternal grandmother Bertha and paternal grandfather Horace) grows up, she’ll think “Daddy prayed every night that western imperialists would annihilate the Strait of Hormuz so I could see what Brian Welch’s signature looked like. And here it is! He even did the little backwards R—like the band!”

So-Called Eric Clapton Fan Safely Protected Against Measles and Rubella

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BRISTOL, Conn. — Rodney Carlson, supposed fan of English rock and blues guitarist-turned-anti-vaxxer Eric Clapton, showed himself to be fully inoculated against numerous diseases including measles and rubella, disgusted sources report.

“I’ve been a huge fan of Eric Clapton since I first heard ‘Layla’ by Derek and the Dominos as a kid, which was way before vaccines were even invented,” said Carlson. “I’ve heard that he’s been in the news in recent years for having some controversial opinions about science, which I don’t really share because I’m vaccinated myself, but I don’t really pay attention to all that stuff, you know? There’s a lot of turmoil and unrest in society these days, so I like to turn to music as an escape from all that stuff. Besides, I don’t look to Clapton for his medical advice. I look to him for his stance on immigration.”

Fellow fan Jeremy Kondle was enraged by the news.

“This guy has been fully protected against catching measles and rubella, and he has the fucking nerve to call himself a Clapton fan?” Kondle spat. “Who does he think he is? Everyone knows vaccines cause all sorts of issues that doctors don’t want to tell us about because they’re profiting off them. Didn’t he heed the warnings that Eric Clapton gave us? He has absolutely no business listening to that music. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starting to feel feverish, and I’ve noticed this rash on my face that’s spreading down to my neck, so I’m going to lie down for a while.”

Clapton couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“This guy claims to be a fan of mine, and he’s vaccinated?” Clapton gasped. “Doesn’t he know that everything we’ve been led to believe about vaccines is actually propaganda? Hasn’t he heard my horror stories about how the COVID-19 vaccine caused my hands and feet to briefly go numb? Is he not aware of how dangerous it is to undergo all these jabs? The measles and rubella should both just be a part of growing up. There’s no reason to subject ourselves to the experimentation of the woke murderers who distribute these death syringes. I hereby denounce his fandom and that of anyone else who’s protected against these or any other preventable diseases.”

At press time, Carlson revealed that he’s also a big Van Morrison fan.

Aging Millennial’s Finger Mustache Tattoo Goes Gray 

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SEATTLE — A 35-year-old millennial with the once ubiquitous finger mustache tattoo noticed that her ink stache is graying right along with her head hair, confirmed sources in complete denial.

“I couldn’t believe it at first,” shared April Tiemstra while also checking her Harry Potter tattoo just in case. “I thought maybe it was just fading, so I tried to use lotion. But no amount of moisturizing was changing the fact that there were distinctive gray, wiry hairs appearing in my finger stache. Just For Men didn’t do anything either. My head hair just started really going gray and thinning this year, but I never knew tattoos were at risk of female pattern graying and baldness. I swear a few of the ink hairs fell off the other day. I can only handle so much at once.”

Arianna Sharma, a local tattoo artist, shared their own experiences with uniquely aging skin art.

“You know, adults were always warning us about how poorly tattoos would age,” said Sharma. “Especially when I became a tattoo artist. But I just thought they meant they would fade or become problematic in light of evolving societal ideals. I didn’t think they meant SpongeBob tats would get angry 11s and pinup girls would spontaneously grow ink chin hairs. I didn’t train for this.”

An expert in Tattoo Sciences, an emerging discipline, discussed strategies they’re employing to combat the issue of geriatric millennial tattoos.

“Millennial cringe tattoos are aging in completely unique and never-before-seen ways,” said Juliana Hughes. “I even saw a Jack Skellington tattoo going bald, and he doesn’t even have hair follicles. So we’ve had to be extremely revolutionary in our approach to tattoo care. We’re completely thinking outside of the box. Got a Miss Piggy tat with fine lines and wrinkles? We’ve developed Tattox. Got a Calvin tattoo that’s losing its hair? Tattoupes. We are meeting the moment.”

At press time, researchers on the front lines learned that millennials’ infinity symbol tattoos have started telling people the precise date they will die. 

Oh, Like Your Husband Never Engaged in a Bimbofication Fetish While You Had an Affair on a Taxpayer-Funded Luxury Jet – Guest Post by Kristi Noem

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, don’t we just love to pile on. Is it lonely up there on your pedestals, everybody? Oh, whoopsie, I forgot, I’m a public figure, and apparently in America that means you’re subject to mockery and ridicule just for being a human being. I swear to God, half of you are out there acting as if you’ve never had extramerital tax-payer funded sexcipades in the sky while your husband engages in a sissification fetish, all while working under a fundamentalist Christian anti-trans regime. It’s a cruel double standard, and frankly, it makes me sick. 

I’ve come to expect this sort of down pegging from men, but I am shocked more women do not have my back. Ladies, for Christ’s sake, you know how it is! You shoot a few dogs, head up a couple Gestapos, mismanage a huge budget due to zero oversight, and all of a sudden, your husband can’t get it up anymore, so you find a way to make that hot! It’s called living a life. 

I gotta tell ya, I’m getting pretty fed up with being called out for “hypocrisy” by my fellow female republicans as if they’ve never facetimed with their cross-dressing husbands, holding a glass of champagne while being balled hard in a bed over a mile in the sky, held up by the tax dollars of people who can’t afford basic healthcare. Maybe try looking in the mirror for a change? 

Oh, you think it’s “ironic” that someone entrenched in a conservative, Christian nationalist, pro-family values government participates in kink? Wake the fuck up! Why do you think the modern GOP is so vocally opposed to homosexuality, trans people, and alternative relationships? Because we hate them? NO! We just want all that stuff to be wrong and dirty because that’s the only way we can cum from it! When you reach a certain eschelon of power, that’s the only way you can get your nut off; that’s just a fact. It’s honestly embarrassing that I need to spell it out for you people like this. 

You think my husband and I are the only ones in this administration who have been around the block?! Go whisper “Good sissy” to JD Vance. He’ll cream his shorts immediately and say, “Thank you, Daddy.” I should know, I helped program him. Don’t get me started on Trump. All the accusations in the Epstein files? That’s just how he gets warmed up. 

Donald Trump, of course, can only climax by bombing Iran under false pretenses. The children he had sex with were all a means to that end. 

Let’s see how some of these “upstanding citizens” are listed in my phone, shall we? Steven Miller: Nazi Trample Pig. Pam Bondi: Fist Queen. Steve Bannon: Owes me $50. That last one doesn’t sound like a kink thing, but it’s a tithe for face sitting. Steven, if you’re reading this, you know the rules: no pay, no play! 

And before you vultures start asking about the sordid details of the incredibly niche sexual dynamic between my husband and me, that is frankly none of your business to begin with, yes, the dog thing was a part of it. 

Here’s What Rising Gas Prices Means For You at the Pump

Posted on by Bobby Korec

We’ve all seen the headlines about rising oil prices, gas stations charging six bucks a gallon, and ExxonMobil price gouging customers to cash in on the public’s scarcity fears after the U.S. attacked Iran, but what do these soaring fuel costs actually mean for you at the pump? Well, the answer is fairly complicated. 

Some energy analysts are saying that higher oil prices will result in less money for other essentials, like gas station snacks and energy drinks. Unfortunately, this means you may need to cut your monthly Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Monster Energy budget, so you can have enough money to drive back and forth from work to Sunoco. Unfortunately, we all need to make sacrifices so the government can play war. Those sacrifices include Gardetto’s. 

You may even need to quit the gas station male enhancement pills altogether, but that’s more because they are a severe health risk. Do you really want to have a heart attack at age 36 because you just had to go with Chevron’s boner pills instead of the $400 a month ones that your doctor can prescribe? It’s like no one in this country wants to spend their entire paycheck on pharmaceutical drugs anymore. 

Rising oil prices may also mean you’ll have to watch more of those gas station TVs while fueling up, since you can only afford to put 15 bucks in at a time and that’s only just over two gallons. Get ready for more frequent pit stops. But don’t worry, scientists are always saying we need more screen time, especially the scientists hired by Apple and Google. Think of the gas station TV as just a bigger iPhone. Now think of it playing “Game of Thrones.” See? Not so bad. 

Oh, but it’ll only be playing commercials. So, most likely bad.

But don’t worry, there may be relief in sight. Sure, there hasn’t been a single expert who has been able to communicate any semblance of a positive outlook, but there’s got to be something encouraging coming for the everyday American, right? Right?! Maybe cheaper groceries or affordable healthcare? Throw us a bone already. 

We Sat Down With Cybergoth Icon The Predator

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The cybergoth subculture arose in the nineties as a combination of cyberpunk and goth styles, with adherents often seen sporting some combination of a basic, black outfit and long dreadlocks. It hit its stride with the Matrix movies around the turn of the millennium and has since slowly phased out. However, nu-metal’s reemergence may portend a return of this once-revered lifestyle. As such, it seemed like a prudent idea to meet a well-known representative of the cybergoth scene. We never thought we’d get to interview one of its originators, so when we were presented with the opportunity to sit down with The Predator, we of course had to take it. 

The Hard Times: Wow, Mr. Predator, it’s such an honor to meet you! How are you doing today?

The Predator: …

HT: So, we’re obviously huge fans, and we have a million things we want to ask you about, but for this interview, we want to focus primarily on your role in the cybergoth community. When did you realize you wanted to pioneer a new and exciting subculture?

P: …

HT: Oh shit, where did he go?

P: Oh shit, where did he go?

HT: Oh my god, he’s mimicking us! And we can only vaguely see a translucent outline of his body! Luckily, he’s just some obnoxious cybergoth and won’t try to hurt us. He’s probably just wearing a gas mask and dancing.

P: …

HT: Oh no, he just shot Reggie’s arm off with some sort of space blaster thing! Maybe this guy isn’t as harmless as we thought. We’d better get out of here!

P: *breathes heavily*

HT: Oh, Jesus, run! Maybe we should call an elite group of Green Berets to take care of this situation!

It was at that point that we high-tailed it out of the designated interview location, which, in retrospect, should have alerted us that something was awry. After all, why would a cybergoth insist on being interviewed in the Central American jungle? Oh well, we’ll take this as a lesson learned and hope to Christ that the cybergoth trend never comes back, because it very well could result in death for all of us.

Local Man Owns Inappropriate Number of Guitars for Skill Level 

Posted on by Sinead Rose

PHOENIX — Local resident Peter Unger has an impressive collection of more than two dozen guitars, from a 1956 Stratocaster to a brand new PRS Custom 24, despite his beginner skill level, confirmed sources.

“Everyone knows him as the guy who sits there with a five thousand dollar electric guitar, atonally strumming ‘Hot Crossed Buns.’ And then the poor dumbass buys the damn thing,” reported local music store owner Graham Ives. “His purchases account for over 85% of my quarterly earnings. I’m going to be able to retire early. But at what cost? His cacophonous dickering not only clears out my store, it also burrows into my ear like a weevil and becomes the soundtrack to all my nightmares. I’m also haunted by the ghosts of the trees. So many perfectly healthy spruce, mahogany, and rosewood trees have been chopped down in their prime just for some delusional jackass to butcher ‘Wagon Wheel.’”

While Unger earns a moderate income working as a customer service representative at a chemical plant, his insatiable lust for the finest guitars has landed him in dire financial straits. 

“The last straw was when he pawned my engagement ring for a guitar,” said Unger’s ex-wife Monica Bowers. “We were already living in squalor. No food in the cupboards. Our water got shut off twice. But I honestly could have forgiven everything if his playing wasn’t so goddamn unlistenable. Seriously, I could have learned to live without indoor plumbing if he could have learned to play even one song adequately.”

Ethnomusicologist Blaine Davis notes that this behavior, however bizarre, is far from unique. 

“Ever since the lyres and lutes of ancient Mesopotamia, there have been those who hoard quality instruments despite lacking aptitude,” said Davis. “These individuals incorrectly believe that they are talented, and that owning the best tools will lend credibility to this nonexistent talent. Throughout history, many of such individuals have held enough wealth and power that others have been hesitant to point out their insufficiency. In this way, Unger is anomalous. All of his loved ones have informed him in no uncertain terms that his playing makes them regret the embryonic process during which they developed auditory nerves. Still, he persists.” 

At press time, Unger continued his years-long attempt to master the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water.” 

Absolutely Tragic: Chris Jericho Announces Plans To Continue Releasing Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ODESSA, Fla. — Popular wrestler turned musician Chris Jericho unfortunately announced plans to continue his music career with his metal band Fozzy, distressed sources report.

“Yeah man, I’ve been with Fozzy since 1999, and that’s what I’m primarily known for,” said Jericho while checking his monthly listener count on Spotify. “We’ve put out eight albums so far, and a lot of people would have called it quits by now, but I really want to continue gracing the world with my singing voice. I feel like I have a lot of awesome song ideas left in me, like one about a dragon. It would be a sin to keep that from the world. The looks of awe that I see from them when I’m rocking out on stage is so much more invigorating than the high that I always got from wrestling, so there’s no way I’m going to stop anytime soon.”

Music fan Reggie Serder reacted to the news.

“Ugh, that sucks, dude,” Serder lamented. “I can’t believe Jericho hasn’t caught on to how shitty his music is. I mean, I guess I liked him as a wrestler, but I still remember how disappointed I was the first time I heard a Fozzy song decades ago. Does this also mean people are going to continue interviewing him about metal music as if he’s some kind of peer in the genre? I still get pissed off when I think about how he badmouthed death metal vocals in ‘Heavy: the Story of Metal’ on VH1 as if anyone fucking cares what his opinion on the matter is. Now we get to continue hearing his shitty dad metal band. Great.”

Music expert Jada Cornell provided her insight on the matter.

“Chris Jericho may be an accomplished professional wrestler, but that definitely doesn’t mean he’s a good musician,” Cornell offered. “There’s a long history of professional athletes and entertainers who think their skills translate to music, with horrific results. Just look at Deion Sanders’ short-lived musical career, or Hilary Duff’s. The world would be a lot better off if people just stayed in their lanes, but unfortunately that’s not the case, and now we’re going to have upcoming music from Chris Jericho as a result.”

At press time, Jericho revealed that he had considered retiring from music, but decided against it because he didn’t want to deprive the world of new material.

Are You a Fan of The Gaslight Anthem or Have You Just Stopped Taking Your Wellbutrin?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

There are two very different reasons a person might find themselves alone at midnight, noise-cancelling headphones on, staring out their bedroom window at a dwindling pile of dirty snow illuminated by a single golden street lamp while The Gaslight Anthem’s entire discography plays on shuffle. One possibility is that you find the New Jersey nostalgia rock band’s songs about blue jeans, car trouble, and girls who left you but not your mind profoundly poetic. The other, more likely reason, is that you probably forgot to take your Wellbutrin three days in a row, and your brain’s serotonin level has drastically dipped. The problem is, at that moment, these two scenarios are, medically speaking, identical. 

Now, I’m not saying The Gaslight Anthem isn’t good. They are, objectively, probably decent. Brian Fallon can pen lyrics about boardwalks, teenage heartbreak, and songs about songs that feel like they were written in a note you passed in a high school hallway. The guitars shimmer. The drums gallop. Everything feels like a false memory that growing up in the suburbs wasn’t a complete and total nightmare. But that’s exactly the problem.

Depression has this neat trick where it convinces you that you’re having a profound spiritual connection where every line about driving around a small town at night feels like a thesis on your existence, when, in reality, your brain chemistry is just slightly off. You’re not connecting with the music. Your brain is lying to you.

If you catch yourself waxing nostalgic for Jersey beaches even though you have never left the Midwest, that’s one red flag. If you pine for smoking cigarettes on broken plastic patio furniture at a house party, that’s two. Lastly, you may start daydreaming about how life would have turned out if you had the courage to ask out that cool girl who worked at Tower Records. You should probably count how many pills are left in your bottle and see if you missed a dose or two.

Some psychiatrists warn about listening to The Gaslight Anthem during antidepressant withdrawal. The nostalgia saturation can trigger what experts call a “longing whirlpool,” where the patient becomes convinced that their entire identity is tied to false memories of a fictional American past filled with neon signs, drinking on football fields, and a 1997 Toyota Camry.

So, before you tattoo “Where’d you get them scars?” on your forearm, ask yourself the hard question: do you love The Gaslight Anthem, or perhaps do you need to call your GP and see if Seasonal Affective Disorder might be messing with you?

Remember, you are always 150 milligrams away from thinking wood paneling is a metaphor.