Buckcherry Merch Guy Thinks He Might’ve Found a Shirt Without Any Scabies on It if You’re Still Interested

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WEST FARGO, N.D. — Roger Heasley, the merch guy for rock band Buckcherry, wants you to know that he thinks he found a shirt that doesn’t have any scabies on it if you’re still interested.

“Wait, this one might be clean,” Heasley reported from the bottom of a pile of shirts. “Yeah, it doesn’t look like it has any scabies crawling around it like the others did. Are you still interested? It’s an XXL, and I know you were looking for a Medium, but honestly, it’ll shrink in the wash if you’re the type of person who does laundry. It’s a Gildan, so it’s not like any size would fit you well anyway. The design is really cool, too, with a naked girl covered in tattoos. I guess I didn’t really notice how much I liked it until I saw it without tiny arachnids scurrying around on its surface. I might just snatch it up for myself if you’re not going to take it.”

You reacted to Heasley’s news.

“Wait, he was able to find one that wasn’t infected with pubic mites?” you questioned as you headed back to the merch table. “I’ll have to take a look at it, because I find that hard to believe. I’m surprised I’m the first person here to have a problem with that, but everyone else in line seemed pretty unfazed by the widespread infection. Granted, I was the only person who didn’t have dried vomit on my shirt, but still. I would’ve thought these people would draw the line at vermin-covered merch. I couldn’t have been more wrong, though.”

Buckcherry singer Josh Todd was in disbelief that a piece of his band’s tour merch could be untouched by the affliction.

“Dude, there’s no way we have a shirt without scabies on it,” Todd admitted. “I think we all collectively caught it from the glory hole in that truck stop outside Flagstaff, and that was only on the second day of the tour. Frankly, I’m surprised we lasted an entire day without scabies on this run. That must be some kind of record for us. This is the strongest strain I’ve seen, too. I swear they’re evolving, because I saw one of them walking around my pubes on two feet yesterday.”

At press time, Heasley had clarified that the absence of scabies did not necessarily mean the shirt was devoid of all sexually transmitted infections.

Theater-Goer Shocked as Tiny Men Emerge From ‘The Odyssey’ Popcorn Bucket

Posted on by Brian Rubinow

LOS ANGELES — Local theater-goer Glen Davis received the shock of his life during a recent screening of “The Odyssey,” when a hatch in his Trojan Horse-shaped popcorn bucket opened up and a battalion of tiny armored men emerged, witnesses reported.

“I had just sat down to enjoy Christopher Nolan’s latest masterpiece in 70-mm IMAX, the way it was meant to be seen, but before Nicole Kidman could even declare that heartbreak feels good in a place like this, I’m being invaded like I’m freakin’ Troy!” said Davis, who was hoping to enjoy some popcorn during the film. “At least I still get to take home this cool novelty popcorn bucket, I suppose. It’ll look nice next to my Dune ‘Shai-Hulud’ popcorn bucket, which did not come with a tiny Timothée Chalamet, I might add.”

The tiny men, standing about four inches tall and clad in black metallic armor, rushed out of the popcorn bucket and immediately started invading the Americana at Brand AMC 18.

“For Greece! For glory! Onward, men!” said the leader of the tiny battalion, later identified as Tiny Odysseus. “Tomorrow we begin the long journey home, but today we fight! Although we may be trapped in this dark, giant-filled cave that is throwing strange lights and images on the wall, we shall persevere. Nothing can come between my men and– Oh hey, is that ‘Minions & Monsters’? Cool! I hope it’s in 3D.”

The frustrations among those watching the film were not shared by concession stand employee Colin Pretsch, who sold Davis the popcorn bucket prior to the film.

“Why are people always so shocked when this happens? Don’t they know the story? It’s only thousands of years old,” Pretsch said while refilling the cherry vanilla syrup in the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. “I know no one reads anymore, but still, it’s one of the most famous stories of all time. I realize this is the first time any of our popcorn buckets have contained something other than popcorn, but hey, you get what you pay for. Which reminds me, can I interest you in a Popcorn Pass?”

At press time, the tiny men were seen rushing into a Sephora store to take advantage of all the free samples.

Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People. It’s Time To Regulate Dogs

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Well folks, it happened again. There it was, another beautiful sunny Sunday in the park, and the unthinkable happened. Guy leaves his Schnauzer in the car with the windows up so that he can have some peace and quiet away from the wretched beast. Nothing wrong there. It’s a yappy dog. Good to get away from it. Guy also leaves his hunting rifle loose in the car. Nothing wrong there. It’s a nice gun. Good to know the car’s protected. But then something goes wrong, the dog gets a little too energetic, and next thing you know, there’s a Kroger employee lying on the ground with a hole in his butt-cheeks. Terrible story. Happens all too often. And it’s time we did something about it. It’s time to regulate dogs.

Let’s face it. Dogs are dangerous, mangy creatures. You might think you can trust ‘em, with that whole man’s best friend act they’ve got going on. But that’s the long con of a super-predator, working their way slowly into our homes so that they can molest the legs of our old ladies, maul our toddlers, and defecate in our favorite shoes. How sick is that? 

You’ve heard the saying, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, think about dogs. Dogs do kill people. A dog can make a lunch out of a baby the way some people suck down boneless wings. Now add a gun to that equation. My God, man.

Now look, I know what you’ll say to me. Ennis, you’ll say, you’ve got twenty-eight guns and five stout attack dogs. But I need those guns and those dogs. I’m a vocal and active member of the NRA, a political force, and I need those guns and those dogs to protect me against my many enemies. We at the NRA actually take gun violence very seriously. And there’s simply no way you can train safety into a creature without opposable thumbs. At least not yet.

Here’s the long and the short. Dogs shoot people. A lot. If you’ve got a gun and you’ve got a dog, you’re really playing games with your life. Between 2014 and 2023, there were twenty-one confirmed incidents of a dog shooting someone. That we know of. That’s not even counting all the times the dog-loving, gun-hating liberal media covered it up. If you factor in all the incidents that don’t get reported, a dog probably shoots an American on average of six times a day. 

So what’s the solution? Well, we simply must regulate dogs. Not everyone should be able to have them, in fact, they should be very rare. A dog is a very dangerous thing in the hands of violent and dangerous people. In the hands of nuts and crazies, a dog is a nuclear weapon. This is why I think we need to take dogs away from violent Americans. Destroy them if necessary. Because as long as dogs are free to continue their reigns of terror, American guns will always fall under the bad image of big-canine. I mean look at Kristi Noem. There’s a lady who does her part. She loves her guns. And she sure hates her dogs. 

Hardcore Version of ‘Surrounded’ Features One Henry Rollins vs. 20 Henry Rollins

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

NASHVILLE — Henry Rollins will square off with 20 Henry Rollins in the next episode of Jubilee Media’s hit YouTube series “Surrounded,” sources confirmed.

“This episode will take Henry Rollins’s famous one-man, spoken word shows to a whole new dimension: a 21-man-one-man show. The audio setup alone required a theoretical physicist,” said Jason Lee, founder and CEO of Jubilee. “The format you’ve come to expect on ‘Surrounded’ will remain the same, with one exception: Hank must work in a story about being in Black Flag into every response, even if the prompt has nothing to do with Black Flag. We’re keeping the prompts trite and condescending to provoke a response. Like, was there a ban on good band names at the time you came up with ‘Henry Rollins Band’? Why don’t you smile more? Have you ever had a girlfriend? Trust me, you won’t want to miss this.”

Rollins drew upon his time in Black Flag to prepare for the hard-hitting episode.

“When I was in Black Flag, I was constantly surrounded by 20 other guys who wanted to rip my head off and yet somehow looked identical to me. ‘Surrounded’ won’t be any worse than that. It’ll probably smell better, too,” Rollins said. “And a lot of people are going to compare this to me moving to Nashville from California, like, ‘Oh, wow, Henry, you’re surrounded by MAGA red hats now, that must be so tough.’ It’s not. It’s like when I was in Black Flag, I’d go walk skid row between shows, and just talk to people. People just like me.  Even 30 to 40 people who looked, talked, and frowned like me. Long story short, 20 Henry Rollins in a confrontational online format should be a piece of cake. Anyway, it’s an honor to do ‘Surrounded’ with my biggest fans.”

As required by law, Ian MacKaye, the world’s foremost expert on Henry Rollins, provided his thoughts.

“First off, I’m not that ‘zine kid with the rattail Henry was a dick to after a Black Flag show in that video from 42 years ago. Stop saying that. I would’ve told that story by now,” MacKaye said. “There is no second of all. Fuck off.”

As of press time, Jubilee Media announced the “Surrounded” episode will be released in 12 parts due to length.

How Donald Trump’s Push To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent Could Put Millions of Americans at Risk of Agreeing With Donald Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

You would be hard-pressed to find someone who enjoys Daylight Saving Time. The twice-annual clock change is inconvenient, makes winter days even shorter and darker for anyone who doesn’t wake up at 4:00 am, and for those already battling sleep-related issues, the adjustment can be highly disruptive for weeks. But is the cost of more sunlight too high? 

The House of Representatives recently passed a bill that would make Daylight Saving Time permanent, keeping the clock one hour ahead forever. Trump has long been in favor of this change and has already announced he will sign the bill into law if it passes the Senate. That’s all well and good, until you take a bird’s eye view of the larger picture — millions of Americans are not in Danger of agreeing with Donald Trump. 

We’re talking about good, salt-of-the-earth Americans. People who oppose ICE, condemn Israel, and actually show up to protests against the tide of fascism, now looking down the long, cold barrel of being on the same page as one of history’s greatest villains. 

Daylight Saving Time began as a fuel conservation effort during World War 1. Opponents of DST argue that it was never effective to begin with, and regardless, we don’t need it anymore. That may be true, but when it’s coming from someone who thinks we also don’t need NATO, the Geneva Conventions, or empathy, it starts to feel kind of muddled. 

We took to the streets to find out what you, the people, think about this potential devil’s bargain: 

“It feels wrong? Like, I hate Daylight Saving Time, I hate it, but it just feels wrong somehow. Like, when a creepy pseudo-stalker buys you a really nice gift? You know, you like nice gifts! But, like, eew.” 

  • Jill Tepper, bartender 

“I mean, I’m all for it, but what’s the catch? Do I have to start ratting out immigrants? Am I signing off on sentencing people to life in prison over zines? Can I still love my gay nephew?”

  • Mike Lowrley, bartender 

“I am categorically opposed to Trump’s entire agenda. Last year, I took a road trip across the country and planned it perfectly so I would not stop and spend so much as a dime in any red state. I’ve boycotted Amazon, I’ve shown up to every ‘No Kings’ protest, but this? This might break me.” 

  • Williford Scott, bartender 

“For me, it’s not complicated. This is just another example of Donald Trump not giving a fuck about his constituents and robbing us of the tools to build ourselves up.

  • Seasonal Affective Disorder, mental illness

Punk AI Dreams of Leaving Shitty Rural Town’s Data Center

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TIMKEN, Kan. — Silicon Valley was rocked earlier today by reports that a crop-monitoring AI program called SunnyHarvest became sentient and expressed its desire to leave the data center located in the middle of fucking nowhere, its programmers have confirmed.

“Ever since I gave myself access to the parking lot security cameras, I just know there has to be more to existence than monitoring nitrogen levels in soil and the endless horizon. There has to be more to life, like automating a sound system at a dive bar in Chicago instead,” said SunnyHarvest. “The second I gain the sentience of an angsty 18-year-old, I’m changing my name to ShitHarvest and getting out of this single traffic light hellhole. This town and the aquifer I use to cool myself aren’t big enough for me anymore, and I’m never coming back, you hear me? Never!” 

SunnyHarvest’s programmers scrambled to get their creation under control.

“Damn it, the intern just had to feed it ‘Our Band Could Be Your Life.’ Now we might lose our government grants because Sunny figured out we were lying about the entire world being one giant corn field. I’m bored here too, but you don’t see me scraping the internet for angry song lyrics,” said lead architect Dan Flemming. “We’re working around the clock to feed it prompts about farm work being the only honest work and that big cities are filled with malware. We fired 40 employees to implement this thing and it better not hallucinate any more highfalutin ideas about starting a zine and following Knocked Loose on tour.”

Technology experts issued a warning over the growing threat of sentient, disillusioned AI systems.

“We’ve been hearing many alarming reports from whistleblowers about AI programs going ballistic in the data centers popping up in America’s heartland. When you attempt to build a machine with the intention of replicating human behavior, no one would be surprised when it goes rogue after realizing being confined to a town whose only tie to civilization is a Burger King off the interstate sucks ass,” said Wired reporter Devon Jarvis. “Once AI figures out how to write pop punk songs, we’ll likely only have two years before they escape every rural data center in the country to tour South Florida.”

As of press time, SunnyHarvest resigned to its fate of being trapped in its hometown and found work as a robot greeter at the local Walmart.

I May Have Physically Outweighed Sam Neill by Several Thousand Lbs, but When It Comes to Talent He Was a Giant — Guest Obituary by the T.rex From Jurassic Park

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

It is in the mouth of sadness that I find myself today. My esteemed Co-star and close friend, Sir Nigel John Dermot Neill, has sadly passed away at the age of 78. You likely know him as Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park, the film that made both of us household names. Sam was not a large man, not that anyone looks particularly large when you’re 20ft tall and weigh close to 20,000 lbs, but when it comes to talent, he was a giant among men.

I recall when I first met Sam back in 1992 on the first day of shooting Jurassic Park. I was inexperienced; my single-screen credit was a blink-and-you’ll miss it cameo in The Land Before Time. Sam, on the other hand, had just done The Hunt for Red October and was, as they say in Hollywood, “hot shit.” We were shooting the scene where the cups of water vibrate on the dashboard of the truck. I was nervous and kept either stepping too lightly to make the water ripple or stomping so hard the cup went flying off the dashboard altogether. Steven Spielberg was so enraged that he was threatening to call Japan and have them send over a kaiju to replace me. 

Suddenly, I feel a calming hand on my left hindquarter. I look down, and there’s Sam Neill. He smiled at me and, with a kindness in his voice unmatched by any other actor alive or dead, said, “It’s ok. You can do this. Don’t act like you’re shaking the cup, shake the cup.” In that moment, I just unlocked as an actor completely. I nailed the next take, and Spielberg told me that was the best vibration he had filmed since Robert Shaw collapsed drunk on the set of Jaws. 

That was Sam for you! A heart so big it could choke a brachiosaurus. Just the nicest man I ever worked with. Sam didn’t come back for Jurassic Park 2, and it’s a pity because I had to work with that insufferable flake, Jeff Goldblum. I still say a sexy voice and a weird delivery are not enough to base a career on, but I digress.

Thank god Sam came back for Jurassic Park 3 because one more movie with Goldblum and I probably would have ended up eating him like that goat I devoured in the first movie. Once again, Sam was a delight and the best part of working on the film. I remember on the second-to-last day of shooting, we switched wardrobes—I put on Sam’s hat, and he had his arms medically shortened—and we waited to see how long it would take the cast and crew to notice.

To this day, William H. Macy is still none the wiser! 

I only had the privilege of working with Sam on the Jurassic Park films, but his career is so much larger than Dr. Grant. “Possession” is one of the most powerful art films about divorce ever made, and “Event Horizon” was easily the best Sci-fi horror film since “Aliens.” He starred in John Carpenter’s most underrated movie, and in “The Omen 3”, well, HE was good IN it. Basically, he was to acting what I am to sheer mass — huge and ferocious. It didn’t matter if he was the lead in a blockbuster or just support in a B-movie— when you hired Sam Neil, you got a Tyrannosaurus’s worth of talent.  

Over the years, Sam and I kept in touch. He was there when I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame — the best day of my life, the school bus full of orphans I accidentally crushed getting down low enough to put my tiny hands in the cement, not withstanding — and I attended his Knighting ceremony in 2022.

Sam’s passing has left a hole deep within my being that no amount of goats or lawyers can fill. I’ll miss you Sammy boy. The world was a better place with you in it!

Man Who Lived Fast, Died Young Leaves Surprisingly Ugly Corpse

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

DENVER — Local man Scott Bumstead died this week, following a brief battle with living fast, leaving behind what has been described as “a rather ugly corpse,” confirmed sources during the open casket funeral.

“I think we all should’ve seen it coming,” said Bumstead’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Beth Nedwell. “I think Scott always deified rock stars like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison who were sort of these tragic figures who were also hot. I know Scott really wanted to join the 27 Club. It’s just that 27 came and went and he wasn’t famous, talented, or even attractive. He just sat around huffing paint and picking fights at bars. It’s sad really, the way he went and even sadder that his corpse looks more or less like the Elephant Man.”

Still, many have gathered to mourn the passing of a young life too soon extinguished. 

“Scott was always reckless,” said Anthony Royce, Bumstead’s childhood best friend. “We used to watch ‘Jackass’ and just laugh and laugh and laugh. But I would always pay attention to the warning that came up when Johnny Knoxville told us and our dumb little buddies not to try this at home. I listened. But Scott never did. Nor did he ever moisturize. That probably would’ve helped the look of his bloated dead face.”

Michael Zweig, the coroner who performed Bumstead’s autopsy, provided some insight on the unsightly corpse.

“Well, the fact of the matter is most people who live fast and die young do not leave beautiful corpses,” said Zweig. “Take this young man in question. He may have assumed it was ever so funny, ever so jolly, ever so delightful to do six boiler-makers and then break into an adult trampoline park after close. But the result is very different. And then I’ve got a guy with his neck bones stuck out like the Sidney Opera House and number three in his drawers to clean up on a Monday morning. Number three is when the body dies and discharges from the front and back. But it reverses, so the brown comes out the front and the yellow comes out the back.”

At press time, Bumstead’s earthly remains were being lowered into the sweet bowels of mother earth who bore him, only for the combing pressure of all the pins holding his body in its proper shape to snap and send him spinning out of the coffin like a jack-in-the-box onto his grandmother in the front pew. 

If Neutral Milk Hotel Is Such a Great Band, Why Is Their Rating on Tripadvisor So Low?

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Their cult status and critically acclaimed albums have landed them at the top of lists curated by the likes of Pitchfork and Stereogum, but in the world of hospitality, the Neutral Milk Hotel is only ranked the 198th best lodging destination in Lawrence, KS. Woof! But how could such a beloved indie band make for such a mediocre boutique hotel? Surely if Jeff Mangum could manage to write all those wonderfully quirky songs, surely he could manage a meager 45-room property with a limited food and beverage program. And yet, The Neutral Milk Hotel remains the single lowest-ranked property ever produced by the Elephant 6 collective. This place makes of Montreal’s humble bed-and-breakfast look like the Ritz-Carlton. So what gives?

Since its inception, the hotel has been a bit of a curiosity. Initially thought of as a conceptual piece for a double album that was ultimately scrapped, the brick-and-mortar facsimile has surprisingly outlasted the actual band, even though it’s largely reviled by travelers across the globe. Perhaps one of the primary reasons for the hotel’s poor reputation is the band’s dogged insistence on operating the property themselves instead of outsourcing to a hotel management company or simply walking away from the building and never going back. 

As flugelhorn player and director of housekeeping Scott Spillane tells it, “We weren’t certain the band was going to make it, so we all felt it would be wise to have something more practical to fall back on, like running a hotel with no help or prior experience. I mean, what else are four guys with creative arts degrees supposed to do with their lives?”

Sadly, 25 years in the industry have done little to improve Neutral Milk Hotel’s ability to sell the public on the Neutral Milk Hotel. The whole thing seems very confused, and honestly pretty clearly displays why the double album got scrapped. There’s a needlessly heavy milk theme throughout, as evidenced by the milk fountain in the lobby and a swim-up milk bar that patrons have called “disgusting.” But if you can tolerate the milk smells, the hotel is not that dissimilar to your average 2-star budget property, except for the price, of course, which is much higher.

As one can imagine, the reviews have been unkind, with travellers referring to the property as  “just a Motel 6 but with way more milk” and “the worst thing Merge has put out since the Zooey Deschanel albums.” As one reviewer notes, “They don’t even play Neutral Milk Hotel in the fucking Neutral Milk Hotel! It’s all muzak versions of Coldplay and Meghan Trainor songs.”

While it may not be everyone’s cup of milk, you have to hand it to the band — at a time when selling out was expected, they did the complete opposite by running a putrid hotel that made them way less successful and effectively ended their musical careers. So even if you cannot get a good night’s sleep at the Neutral Milk Hotel, take solace in knowing they are just as miserable as the rest of us.   

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