“New Jersey Sober” Friend Only Smokes Cigarettes Found on the Ground

Posted on by Matt Bieker

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local muralist Tyler Vantucci recently declared himself “New Jersey sober,” a lifestyle he describes as “totally clean, except for found cigarettes, expired kombucha, and the occasional free-range ketamine bump,” confirmed sources.

“I’m not, like, ‘rehab sober,’” said Vantucci while lighting a half-smoked Newport he found outside a Shell station. “I’m spiritually sober. If I didn’t pay for it and it came from the earth—or the sidewalk—it doesn’t count. Out West it’s green juice and ayahuasca in a yurt. Out here it’s ripping menthol butts you found in a puddle while blasting A Day to Remember in your headphones. This is East Coast healing. I’m not numbing myself anymore. I’m present. When I smoke a cigarette off the ground, I feel it in my spirit. Also in my lungs. But that’s part of the journey.”

Roommate Madison Reyes says she now avoids using the word “sober” around him altogether.

“He keeps calling it ‘urban foraging,’ like he’s some kind of nicotine raccoon with a self-help podcast,” Reyes said. “Last week he told my mom he was clean, then pulled a Parliament out of his shoe and said it ‘found him.’ I don’t even know what that means. Not only that but another friend of mine just said he was ‘Long Island sober,’ which evidently means they only smoke cigarettes they’ve bummed off of someone else. I just can’t keep up.”

Caleb Torres, a sober recovery mentor with eight years clean, says he once tried to help Vantucci, but quickly realized they had “fundamentally incompatible definitions of sobriety.”

“He told me he’s working Step Six-and-a-Half, which apparently involves smoking a roach he found in a glove compartment and then gratitude journaling about it,” said Torres. “I invited him to a meeting and he said he couldn’t come because he was scared he would ‘absorb the microplastics in the folding chairs through his ass.’ I got sober after OD’ing behind a Taco Bell. I’m not here to gatekeep. But if your sobriety includes street mushrooms and car-seat cigarettes, maybe don’t call that healing.’”

At press time, Vantucci was spotted leading a sunset “detox ceremony” behind a Jiffy Lube, passing around a crystal pipe filled with what he claimed was “naturally sourced resin.”

Why Does Everyone Tell Me the Wrong Address for Protests? — Guest Post by Sean Penn

Posted on by Ian Steffé

I’ve done the work. The hard, gritty, photogenically lit work. There are black-and-white photos of me crouching beside rubble in Haiti, sweat on my brow, concern in my eyes—deep concern.I’ve stared into the face of suffering while wearing ethically sourced sunglasses. I’m the kind of guy who’ll take the time to learn your culture and native language before threatening to have you fired. So you’ll understand my confusion when I keep getting sent to the wrong goddamn address for every protest.

It feels like this started a few years ago. When the revolution ignited in Egypt in 2012, I knew I had to be there. History was happening, and I wanted to squint meaningfully into it. I was told the protestors were gathering outside this restaurant called “Moisture Chicken and WIFI” near Tahrir Square—so I went. Alone. I stood there holding a sign like a fucking idiot, looking around for the uprising. A couple of kids wandered over and tried to sell me a bootleg DVD of “Milk.” I passed. Then one of them said, “Didn’t you kidnap Madonna? Like, really beat her up?” Before I could explain that love is complicated and the ‘80s were a very different time, my hands decided they’d speak first. I got the hell out of there immediately after, bloody-knuckled and confused.

Years later, I tried to show solidarity with my union brothers and sisters at SAG-AFTRA. I was told the protest was happening at a vape shop called CloudFärt in Van Nuys. I stood outside for six hours. Alone again. No signs. No chants. This guy leaned out of his car and asked, “Hey man, are you still hitting people or what?” The question was so insensitive, so reductive, so deeply disrespectful, I knew I just had to punch him. Unfortunately, he was not a little girl selling DVDs. I woke up inside a dumpster full of expired nicotine pods and the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I’d been misled again.

And don’t even get me started on Gaza. I haven’t been contacted by either side. Not one word. Not even a “Thanks but no thanks.” And I’ve got really good ideas for both conflict zones that don’t even involve punching, but still, radio silence. I’m Sean Fucking Penn. I’ve been to places. I’ve done things. And somehow, in a moment of global crisis, no one wants me playing humanitarian. What am I, Jon Fucking Voight!?

Okay look, if this is about the punching, I apologize. Sort of. Spiritually. In interviews. With long pauses. That’s how men say sorry — we squint, we brood, we imply. But I guess some people just can’t let go of the past, no matter how many Middle Eastern refugee camps I take selfies in.

Apparently, I’m still “that guy.” Like I’m just walking around with two fucking Oscars and a humanitarian award presented by Mikhail Gorbachev, himself — who, by the way, I almost punched, but he flinched like a pussy, so I didn’t. And that counts. I still got his ass.

So please. I’m telling you this up front. If the next protest isn’t at The Wet Couch in the Castro District, please let me know. Because I swear to God, I will really lose my shit this time.

Mormon Hipster Prefers Earlier Day Saints

Posted on by Mike Moran

GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church attendee, and reportedly “too cool for seminary” due to his preference for the “Earlier Day Saints,” confirmed sources.

“I just gravitate towards vintage saints,” said Barlow. “Yes, I’m aware, María de la Purísima Salvat Romero, or whatever her name is, is the current flavor of the week. But I’ll take Abercius of Hieropolis, any day. I mean dude succeeded Bishop Papias. Do today’s saints even know what piety is? And while we’re on it, can they please stop making sequels to the Book of Mormon? Call me a sacred text snob if you must, but I honestly haven’t even bothered reading that ‘Pearl of Great Price’ cash-in they released awhile back. I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Hobbs and Shaw’ show up in it.”

Those among Barlow’s ward don’t always agree.

“I’m sorry, gramps, but get with the times,” says Gen Z Mormon, Julia Stevens, “This isn’t the Succession Crisis of 1844. Just because something is old, doesn’t mean it’s cool. I mean, look at Catholicism, or Gene Shalit. And it’s not just saints he’s snobby about. He also has to roll his eyes any time someone mentions Salt Lake City as it’s, as he puts it, full of nothing but post-Restoration posers and Bingham Young dick-riders these days. And his whole idea about using AI and CGI to restore old Mormon doctrine to their original versions? Would that include the 1978 Revelation on Priesthood, which finally allowed Black and African Mormons to be priests?”

Bishop James Hamon, who has mentored both Barlow and Stevens in the past, wishes younger Mormons would understand that they should spend less time trying to impress one another and more time trying to impress God.

“Quite frankly I think this kind of pearly-gatekeeping is as useless as caffeinated soda. I mean, God was doing literally everything before it was cool,” said Hamon. “I’ve been around much longer than Julia, and Rafter, and I can tell you, no one is really that dazzled. You’re talking to a guy who owns an original copy of the golden plates, signed by Joseph Smith, and authenticated by God. But sorry, no I can’t show you.”

At press time, there were rumors that Barlow was slowly inching his way back towards pre-20th Century Mormonism in an attempt to justify his multiple infidelities.

Opinion: My Favorite Beach Boys are Finally Reunited in the Afterlife: Brian Wilson, Dennis Wilson, and Charlie Manson

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Today is a very sad day. Legendary musician and founding member of The Beach Boys, Brian Wilson, died at the age of 82. But instead of falling to my knees and cursing the gods above for taking Brian away from us, I choose to take solace in the fact that he crossed over into the afterlife and reunited with my other favorite Beach Boys, his younger brother Dennis, and psychotic cult leader and murderer Charlie Manson.

The Beach Boys have had a few lineup changes, they even had celebrities like John Stamos join them in the studio and on the stage over the years, but any true Beach Boys fan knows the best lineup is when the rhythm section had Dennis on drums, and Brian on bass. What a duo. But if you really want the band to shine you need Charlie there sloppily playing guitar and doing his best not to stab anybody. That’s right, ol’ Chuck had that edge The Beach Boys needed.

Al Jardine might look like a bruiser who is always looking for a fight, but he’s a sweetheart at the end of the day. Mike Love was too busy writing the shittiest songs you’ve ever heard, and Karl was also there. But Charlie was a star. He had “it” and my definition of “it” is, of course: an insatiable bloodlust and complete disregard for human life. You see The Beach Boys were more than just a band that sang about surfing, and spending time with your girl, they were about rebellion. And there is no greater rebel than Charles Manson.

So yes, today we all mourn the passing of Brian Wilson, a true genius who changes the course of music history. But don’t fret, he’s probably jamming with Charlie right now and hoping he doesn’t get stabbed up a bunch. I’m not sure how it works once you die, but I’m pretty sure that you can still be stabbed in the afterlife, and we all know it doesn’t take much for Charlie to start stabbing. Just ask Rosemary and Leno LaBianca.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be listening to the universally beloved Beach Boys song “Never Learn Not to Love” on repeat today as a tribute.

RIP Brian Wilson, and thank you for all the music.

Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike Love

Posted on by Dan Rice

In response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love on social media today:

“Today, the world has lost a brilliant musician’s cousin.

Brian Wilson, who used to be in The Beach Boys, my great American rock band that I am still in, has passed. I will always remember Brian as a guy whose musical choices, while often strange and commercially untenable, helped me, Mike Love of The Beach Boys, create some of the greatest, most profitable, and most enduring music of all time. Brian, if you’re up there reading this, thanks for the assist, buddy. I’ll take it from here.

I’ll never forget hearing Brian’s opening music to “California Girls” and being inspired to write all the in-between parts about all the types of girls and how I did them. Man, I was really on fire that day. Could I have gotten there without Brian? You’re damn right I could, but it would have been marginally harder. The point is, I’m great.

Brian’s biggest contribution to the outfit was spearheading “Pet Sounds,” an album I believe crawled so that “Kokomo” could walk. Everyone, stop what you’re doing right now and listen to “Kokomo.” I’ll join you. God, you hear that? Heaven.

Brian struggled a lot with drug use and mental health issues, but I’ll never forget how I overcame those roadblocks to achieve a net worth of over 80 million dollars today. It just goes to show what an indomitable spirit I had and continue to have.

It’s no secret that Brian and I had our differences. Approving the form letter that officially released Brian from the band was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The font was very small, and I couldn’t find my reading glasses that day. Still, it was that tenacity and decisiveness that led to me, not Brian, getting to play for President Donald Trump and Mar-a-Lago in 2024.

I can’t say that I love Mike Love, because I am Mike Love, and a lot of people over the years have told me that when I do say that, it comes off as weird or annoying. That’s why I’m calling on you, America, in this trying time, to love me enough for both of us. I do love me though, to be clear.

Anyway, dibs on Brian’s stuff, especially the royalties. God Bless.”

Trump Deploys 2,000 AI Images of Himself Dressed Like Rambo Directly to Facebook to Intimidate Protesters

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to further quell any protests about his immigration policy by releasing thousands of AI-generated photos of himself on Facebook as a jacked Rambo, confirmed sources who are more confused than they are intimidated.

“These are some really beautiful photographs, some people say they should be in a museum. I’m not saying that, but a lot of people are. I’ve got the muscles, the bandana, and look at the size of that gun. That’s a very big gun, you could do a lot of damage with that,” said Trump while finishing a half dozen Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. “I want these photos to be a warning to all the radical left liberal freaks who think they have a right to push back against anything I do. These people are trying to come into your home and punch your photo of Jesus, and Jesus was a good man, a great man. I met him once in a dream. He came up to me, his body wasn’t as good as mine, and he looked kind of tired, and he said to me ‘I thought I had a good message, but yours is the best message.’ Can you believe Jesus said that to me?”

Facebook user, 58-year-old Eddie Lipton of South Dakota, was impressed by the vast array of Trump AI art.

“I was checking the news in my feed and saw how Los Angeles is on fire. Couldn’t happen to a better place, I had a 45 minute layover in LA one time and I’ve never been so afraid. I’m glad Trump is trying to keep the peace by rolling out these new photos, I was late for work because I stood up and sang “The Star Spangled Banner” each time I saw a new variation,” said Lipton while displaying multiple American flags which were desecrated with images of Trump. “I took some photos of my computer screen with my phone so I could send this Trump stuff to my daughter, but her lawyer intervened and said I was violating the restraining order. This country has gone mad.”

Activists on the streets remain undeterred  by the latest tactic from the White House.

“Fuck ICE, fuck Trump, fuck every single person in law enforcement. You are all scum, there is a special place in Hell for all of you. We won’t stop, there is more of us than there are of them,” said local organizer Sammi Garcia. “This president and this administration are a disgrace. The history books will not be kind to anyone who sat on the sidelines and watched this happen. Also, nobody under the age of 35 even has a Facebook account, dumb fucks.”

At press time, Trump changed his official White House photo to an AI image of himself riding a pegasus into battle on the beach at Normandy.

Columbia Agrees to Reinstate Prominent Phrenologists to Appease Trump

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“It’s a pleasure to be employed again,” shared Dr. Atticus Johnhawk while placing an 1832 marble mapped brain on his desk. “President Trump is a brilliant man. No wonder he’s chosen his unique hairstyle, it hides the many bumps on his skull. As you know, more bumps means bigger brains, and that’s how we can tell who is a genius. It’s science. This has nothing to do with him being a member of the Aryan race, though I am also proudly a member and a leg-up never hurts. Now let’s get Columbia to do something about all those smooth-skulled foreign protestors. I’m happy to personally make recommendations to ICE after examining the skull textures of students on international visas. It’s the least I can do for my country.”

Columbia Dean Josef Sorett optimistically opined while practicing handshakes with a President Trump mannequin.

“I like to say ‘Classics never go out of style’ when it comes to re-introducing phrenology to the student experience,” shared Sorett while testing gentle kisses on the Trump mannequin. “We’ve made student protests completely illegal since we know how hurtful they are to our wise, brilliant leader. I just want him to know how hard we are working to keep him happy. We’re bringing back our undergraduate degree in Eugenics, with a special course taught by Roseanne Barr. Plus we’re re-segregating the quad space, an inspired touch from our Provost.”

Columbia freshman Colt Jackson-Smith has embraced the conservative makeover on the once historically liberal campus.

“I’m MAGA through and through, so I’m glad to see Columbia finally getting some sense knocked into them,” shared Jackson-Smith while pausing his Joe Rogan stream. “They even encouraged me to post my old blackface photos. That shit would’ve gotten me cancelled a year ago. Now it’s extra credit. It’s still concerning to know that just outside the campus is a liberal hellscape as threatening and diverse as New York City. But I think of Dylan Roof and know that everything is going to be OK. Columbia is truly a sanctuary campus—specifically for me, a proud white male republican.”

At press time, Columbia additionally made announcements within the College of Physicians and Surgeons to reintroduce medicinal leeching and mercury ingestion per new federal guidelines.

The Perfect Crime? Band That Performed in Front of Zero People Telling Everyone It Went Great

Posted on by Alec Walker

So our show had zero people at it, and I mean zero. Even the bartenders left after they watched us smack our guitar cases against the wall as we tried to get through the front door. It was so humiliating. Then, as I was ready to rage-tweet my disappointment, my bandmate suggested we just tell everyone it went great since there were no witnesses. Holy shit. What an incredible idea! And it was our bassist who thought of that. Crazy, right? Finally, providing some value. Anyway, I’m gonna go tell a bunch of people how great the show was and let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Guys. This shit is INSANE. Everyone is showering me with praise. Whenever someone asks how many people were there, I just go “It was hard to tell, honestly. When you get locked into the performance, it’s almost like no one is there haha.” They keep laughing when I say that. I feel like God, if instead of creating worlds, God just created awful, grating alt-rock rip-offs.

We even filmed the show, but just a super close-up shot of our instruments, so you can’t see the crowd or that I was crying. Then I went and added crowd noise afterwards. Posted that to YouTube, zero views on that too. This couldn’t be easier to pull off.

I might start telling people I do all kinds of things I could never do. Like, “Hey mom, I’m a Navy Seal. It’s super top secret war and murder stuff, though, so you can’t even look it up. Don’t even try, or else I’ll have to Navy Seal you to death.” Come to think of it that’s what the guy in “Taxi Driver” did, and I’m pretty sure he wound up getting a medal or something.

I am a little worried this is going to my head, though, because I’ve started wondering how difficult it could even be to rob a bank. Probably not that hard, right? Right? Or wait, no, I’ll TELL people I did a really great bank robbery, and then I’ll get hired to do a bank robbery. Does anyone know any bank robbery hire-ers?

Come to think about it, I’ve never fact-checked a show I didn’t go to. Maybe no one goes to any shows. Maybe everyone is just lying to each other, and everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to do anything but take it at face value. Maybe no one has ever seen Radiohead. Jesus, how far does this go?!

Whatever, I’ll put a pin in that for now because we have a show next week. The address on the poster doesn’t even exist. We’ll probably just get drunk in my apartment and play Guitar Hero because the audience is programmed to both exist and cheer. I’m never playing this stupid real guitar ever again.

Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mishap at Bloodsoaked Studios, sources report.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I grabbed the wrong clip,” engineer Tom Duvroski lamented. “The band asked me to use something from 1987 slasher ‘Stage Fright,’ and I must have accidentally clicked the next one in the list. I don’t remember when I added the ending funeral scene from ‘Steel Magnolias’ to my cache, but it’s too late to fix now. People are going to be expecting the sound of a guy getting axed in the face by somebody in an owl mask in the back stage of some Italian play, and instead they’re going to get Sally Field wailing about her dead daughter in a Louisiana accent. I was so stoked when I got this job, and I can’t believe I messed it up this badly.”

Mortician frontman Will Rahmer was puzzled by the mistake.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Rahmer admitted. “Obviously, Mortician has historically been a horror-themed band, and you can expect to hear clips from movies like ‘The Beyond’ and ‘House by the Cemetery’ when you listen to our music. I never would have thought to use the monologue of some distraught woman who has just lost her daughter, but you know what? It kind of works. Sally Field really poured her heart and soul into that scene, and it’s actually pretty brutal when you think about it. I would be angry about Tom’s mistake, but I think the end result is better than it would have been had we just used another ‘80s slasher. I’m grateful for this incident, as it’s going to help us broaden our horizons.”

Fan Cynthia Herrera was kind of on board with the clip they used for the new song.

“That was the most devastating Mortician song I’ve ever heard,” Herrera provided. “What clip was that in the beginning of the song? That lady talking about how she was there when her daughter was brought into this world as well as when she left it; man, that’s so grim! I’ve discovered so much horror from Mortician’s music, so I can’t wait to check out this movie. It sounds like it’s the most gruesome film they’ve used so far.”

At press time, Mortician decided to exclusively use drama films for its samples going forward.

Elder Millennial a Little Jealous That Today’s Teenage Punks Have Real Fascists to Rise up Against

Posted on by Mark Danowsky

PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that they have real fascists to stand up to, confirmed sources.

“I’m hella livid!” said Jenkins between mouthfuls of avocado toast. “We had Bush. He was like a joke but all he did was use 9/11 as an excuse to bomb the wrong country, and that was it. No fascism or nothing! Now they have literal Nazis running around the White House making legislation. Lucky Gen Z bastards! You remember campy Troma classics like ‘Surf Nazis Must Die’? Well that’s just everyday life for Gen Z. This generation is so privileged to be born into the perfect historical timeline.”

Gen Z influencer Jace Blaze repeatedly called out Jenkins’ tirades as “cringe.”

“They’re all a bunch of whiny nepo babies who failed to launch and have this chip on their shoulder about the Great Recession,” said Blaze. “Look, I get it. ‘08 wasn’t a good time to graduate from college. But my generation doesn’t just have FOMO, we literally missed out on all sorts of meaningful real life stuff because of Covid lockdowns. Millennials talk about not having kids because they can’t afford to, we talk about not having kids because the climate is destroyed and the Trump regime thinks most of us are disposable NPCs. Y’all better hope Gen Z antifa warlords clean up this mess A$AP Rocky.”

Ace Emicson, Emeritus Chair of the Ross School of Social Anthropology for Boston University’s satellite campus in Shreveport, knew all too well about this issue.

“It’s not often that a generation uses the ‘back in my day’ line but follows that with how much easier they had it,” said Emicson. “Typically, older generations—your Greatest Gen, Silent Gen, Boomers, Xers, Xennials—just want to complain how much harder things were for them. On the other hand, these Millennial activists have every right to be pissed that they were born in the wrong generation. Hell, the only thing they had to rise up against was when Fox News criticized Obama for wearing a tan suit.”

At press time, Jenkins released a new TikTok video called “Gen Z never had to grind like us.”