Holy hell! What the fuck is that thing? I have never seen a bug like that in my life and there is a near zero chance that that thing is not a maneater. Of course a fucking kaiju shows up when I’m at my most exposed, and I’ll likely never even know what it really is. But at the very least I can make some decent guesses based on Godzilla movies. Okay, here we go.
25. Mothra
This thing is definitely not a moth. Moths are just bothersome little fuckers who like porch lights. This thing looks like it came straight outta the depths of hell for the sole purpose of ripping off my genitals and laughing as they wash down the drain.
24. Battra
Battra is basically just a scalier version of Mothra. So still no resemblance to this horror I’m currently shielding my vulnerable parts from, which as a reminder, has a prime directive of watching me bleed out due to severed genitals.
23. Jet Jaguar
What the hell is this colorful ass robot thing anyway? It looks like it’s made out of Play-Doh. It’s not a monster, it’s not a bug. It’s useless to me. I’d welcome this thing in my tub.
22. Mecha-King-Ghidorah
Though admittedly this weird bug certainly does look like a mash-up of like four different things that shouldn’t be together, the Mecha-King-Ghidorah monstrosity just ain’t the right combination. Also, I’m pretty sure this bug is looking at my butt now, if it tried to crawl inside me I’m a dead man.
21. Rodan
Nope. Too simple. Rodan is just a fucked up pterodactyl, and this bug looks like it only lives off of radiation and hatred.
20. M.O.G.U.E.R.A
This one does actually have some of the features of the bug, albeit mechanically. But just out of principle I’m putting all the robot monsters pretty low on this list. Robots and bugs just don’t mix, plus everyone knows robots hate water.
19. Hedorah
Though a toxic sludge kaiju is definitely the same energy that this bug is giving off, there are no physical similarities. At least I can give both of them credit for being incredibly ugly fucks. I wonder if I can drown this thing with my wife’s hair conditioner, but she might yell at me for “wasting” it again.
18. Mechagodzilla
Alright, I think this is the last robot. Once again, robots aren’t bugs. Don’t try to confuse me, I need all of my focus on this abomination that I’m trapped in a confined, wet space with.
17. Godzillasaurus
I guess this one kind of looks like the bug. Not as close of a match as Godzilla classic, but not a total departure from that frightening-looking animal currently blocking the shower door. If I just don’t make any sudden moves maybe it will lose interest.
16. Kumonga
Oh how simple it would all be if this thing were just a giant spider. If it were Kumonga that decided to show up while I was soaping my armpits I might not have given it a second thought compared to whatever devil this thing really is.
15. Gabara
Now that we’re getting into the “middle of the road” monsters on this list a lot of these are starting to blend together. Also, I just made eye contact with the bug and I think it stole a piece of my soul. From now on I plan on drafting a will before each shower.
14. Minilla
Minilla is actually kind of cute in a malformed Cabbage Patch Kid sort of way. I wish I could have placed him lower on this list but there were just too many damn robots that had to take up those slots.
13. King Caesar
There aren’t enough insectoid qualities to really make a strong case that King Caesar looks like the bug. But the unrestrained violence in this monster’s eyes still earns him enough of a comparison for this spot.
12. Godzilla
Godzilla classic is a pretty baseline comparison for whatever this horrible horrible thing is. I wonder if I can use a loofah as a weapon, or if my wife will be mad if I ruined her loofah fighting a kaiju.
11. Kamacuras
Closer. Kamacuras definitely nails down the insect part of the equation. But looking at this thing, probably a little too intently, I can’t help but think there’s something more than that to it. Pazuzu maybe?
10. Manda
Oh God, it moved closer! The fucking bug moved closer to me! What do I do?! For the love of fuck what do I do?!
9. Destoroyah
Destoroyah is actually pretty close. Plus a monster born out of Godzilla’s violent past is a surefire relative for this demon. Also, I’m starting to run out of hot water and I’ve thrown every shampoo bottle I can find at the thing.
8. Biolante
Well this is really starting to get really scary for me here. This monster is truly a hybrid of all things horrifying. Biolante may not be a spot on doppelganger, but if it comes at me with those acid claws I might poop in here a little bit.
7. Megaguirus
The old Godzilla movies really reused a lot of the same monster models. Similarly, I’m currently reusing this dull safety razor as a makeshift shiv in case this weird bug decides to try anything funny. I can tell it’s thinking about it.
6. Ebirah
I mean, what are lobsters besides sea bugs anyway? And Ebirah is basically just a big lobster who was mutated by radioactive wastewater. So yeah, there’s a fair comparison here.
5. Gigan
Gigan is pretty close in form, but nowhere near as ferocious in appearance. Still, if I imagine the bug as more Gigan-like it makes it a little easier for me to try to sprint past it and the hell out of this entire house. I may actually have to just straight up move.
4. Monster X
Okay, now that I see this thing and Monster X side by side I totally believe this is actually an alien. I would explain how it got in here without me realizing it. It just beamed in like some kind of xenomorph jerkwad to trap me in a case of my own juices.
3. Orga
Man, we are really getting close here. As much as I don’t like the idea of Orga watching me apply my prescription scalp oil, I guess there is some solace in at least knowing what it might be that finally decides to devour me.
2. Baragon
It moved again! Oh fuck, it’s going in for the kill!
1. Megalon
Yep, that’s it. The drill hands, the death wings, that fucking hammer sticking out of its forehead. How the hell did a Megalon get into my shower? At least now I know what I’m up against and maybe can get out of here. How did Godzilla beat Megalon in the movie? I hope it involves squirting Tresemme Volumizer at it and running like hell because that’s kinda my only option at this point.
The cover of Helmet’s seventh album looks like it was done by AI despite coming out fourteen years before ChatGPT was invented. Maybe worst of all the band’s logo has a horrendous default drop shadow on it. None of this has anything to do with what the album sounds like of course but it is a pretty good indicator that this is not Hamilton & Co. at their finest. That’s not to say it’s terrible since there are some classic Helmet riffs on “Welcome To Algiers” and a few new songs that go in a new direction that work like the breezy “LA Water.” But we need to start somewhere on the low end and this is the lowest of the low for them.
Right off the bat, “Monochrome” sounds like an attempt to return to their “Meantime” sound. Even the cover looks like a halfhearted effort at reliving their peak. You can’t fault them for trying but it is sort of the musical equivalent of getting back together with an ex years later. It seems like the good old days but you’re older now and just don’t have the energy to put up with them anymore and all your friends are a little embarrassed for you.
Playing the same heavy(ish) style of music for 30+ years based on essentially 3 or 4 frets of the guitar neck means that you’re probably going to run out of ideas eventually and honestly sounds like a living hell. Returning after a seven-year hiatus, Helmet released “Left” and somehow managed to break the formula they’ve used since the George Bush Sr. administration all while still actually sounding like a Helmet record. Is it their best? No. Is it their worst? No. Is it likely to be in anyone’s heavy rotation? No. Am I asking myself questions to answer to pad out this review since there really isn’t much to say about this album? Possibly.
Some songs on “Dead to the World” are a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Helmet’s influence on bands like Cave In come full circle with songs like “Life or Death” that sound like they were directly influenced by Cave In. Like, you could tell me I’m listening to later-era Cave In and I’d believe you. Unlike the previous couple of mid-career albums though, Hamilton seems to remember that his vocals sometimes need a little studio love and aren’t really the strongest part of their music. The vocals are also a little lower in the mix (as they should be). You aren’t Taylor Swift, my dude.
By 2004 all of the nu-metal bands that had been directly influenced by Helmet were (thankfully) starting to lose favor with the masses and the rise of mall emo had begun (un-thankfully). “Size Matters” comes across as Helmet’s best attempt at being a mainstream metal act. There are a lot of radio-friendly hooks and repeating choruses and the production is glossy and polished. Unfortunately, their big TRL moment never happened but 20 years later “Size Matters” is a perfectly fine time capsule to listen to while you throw on your old bootcut jeans and update your Myspace page. Did you know Myspace was still around by the way? I had no idea.
New York City in the late 1980s was not the sanitized, curated influencer selfie backdrop it is today. There were still areas you did not venture into at night or day. The bands of this time period reflected the harsh, you-could-die-at-any-moment reality of crumbling Gotham. It must have been tough for Helmet to find their place with the exploding New York hardcore scene of the late ‘80s since they weren’t hardcore and also weren’t really metal. Probably their harshest-sounding album both in instrumentation and production. It’s raw and aggressive and almost has a faint smell of a hot, urine-soaked 1990’s Lower East Side sidewalk.
After burning through a rotating door of second guitarists on the first few albums, Helmet released “Aftertaste” as a three-piece. The cover is the three members in silhouette disappearing into fog which is fitting since this is the last time this iteration of the now three original members would ever be seen. 1997 was a weird year for music as grunge had run its course and the awful backwards baseball hat-wearing burning sun of hot garbage called nu-metal was appearing above the horizon. Stuck in this in-between period was Helmet trying out some radio-friendly jams that in hindsight are some of their best songwriting.
The first of two appearances by Helmet on fantastic movie soundtracks for totally unwatchable movies (They were also included on the soundtrack to the ill-fated disaster “The Crow.”) There’s a lot to unpack with this soundtrack and its ambitious genre-melding collaborations but the clear standout is Helmet’s collusion with the Celtic Jersey adorned House of Pain on the song “Just Another Victim.” The classic era syncopated riffs, Paige Hamilton’s angsty vocals, lyrics about Jodie Foster and Harvey Keitel – this song’s got it all!
Somehow this album is now 30 years old and is still just as listenable as it was in 1994. If you were to listen to something in 1994 that was 30 years old it would be something like The Beatles and who the fuck would ever want to do that. “Betty” is slightly less aggressive and more accessible than their previous albums but still has all the machine-like hum and precision you expect from Helmet. Hamilton really shows off his musical chops by adding some jazzy elements here and there and doing what is probably his best clean singing than on any other release.
The cover of “Meantime” is a stark monochromatic image of what looks like a worker shoveling coal into machinery and that’s exactly what the album sounds like – a monolithic, well-oiled machine. The best lineup of the band delivering crushing riffs with John Stanier on drums absolutely destroying those things. Meantime essentially created a new genre of metal while simultaneously ending it since no other band including Helmet themselves could reproduce. “Meantime” helped Helmet achieve the most coveted prize a non-mainstream metal band could achieve in the ‘90s – being featured on an episode of ‘Beavis and Butthead’ with Butthead making the observation: “These look like normal guys, if they were walking down the street you wouldn’t even know they were cool.”
While he might know what month his birthday falls in, it’s pretty safe to say his knowledge of the actual day may fluctuate based on how much THC is in his system at any given moment. Odds are he’s not 100% sure until the text comes in from his mom. Which, of course, he doesn’t see until the next day.
Considering in all likelihood she was in rehab during her last one, birthdays aren’t really high on her priority list. However, she has back up from her sister and mom on this one, so the DOB doesn’t go unnoticed. Remember the person who looks for the window to jump out of while being sung to? She’s the archetype for this one. But on the upside, her mom probably doesn’t make her pee test as a gift.
You know he’s like the most stable one on the show? Well, we’re happy to announce he’s also that stable when it comes to his yearly day. Model birthday citizen. No problems here. Football team sings to him in the locker room and the guy just smiles, makes eye contact, and doesn’t even look down at the guys who didn’t put underwear on before singing to him. And this guy shagged Cassie in season 1. Makes you want to hit him in the face, huh?
Of course, Lexi kicks off our b-day durations exceeding more than a day, which you saw coming. But we’re not in “tiara wearing diva mode” just yet. They’ll be enough of that soon. In fact, the only reason Lexi’s birthday eclipses a day is because the celebration goes past midnight. Still pretty normal. Of course, her sister may or may not have told everyone at the party that her birthday was coming up. Why let the opportunity pass, right?
Yeah, Jules likes to play it cool, riding that bike around like she DGAF, but we know how she really feels about the big day. She’s giddy for all that attention on what your Father deems, “Jules’s Day!” See you eager to smoke that birthday blunt before 2nd period with Rue. It’s safe to say the big day keeps creepin’ into the next… mainly because you didn’t come home that night and your dad had to give you the cake he got the following night.
Looking at her it’s safe to guess the crown doesn’t come off for days following the actual yearly date of birth. Surprisingly, she’s more of a “birthday weekend”-type. Which isn’t even that annoying because it’s just one long party. However, the drunker she gets, the looser the lips get with how much “birthday love” she’s surrounded by. And she gets 2 songs; 1 at school, 1 at home. Slightly indulgent, but not obnoxious.
This is just plain obnoxious, but his day goes on and on and on. We can blame an overly- protective Mother, an inflated football ego and the fact that he seamlessly moved from Maddy to Cassie. Got to admit, that’s a pretty good track record. But you can just see him walking down the hall in a Burger King crown for like 4 days following his actual birthday and it just makes it easy to want to throat-punch him.
We made it! The tiara goes on at 7 a.m. the day before the actual day. Then the b-day breakfast kicked off by mom and dad washing her car before she even leaves for school. She spares us the wearing of the birthday sash, but that’s only because it’s wrapped around her locker door. And there’s definitely a little “special day” romance from her current guy (some random football player). He’s got more than enough birthday love to go around as his celebration was a Le Croix spiked with vodka on the way home from practice 6 months ago.