Ahhh, Broken Hope. If you’re a fan of death metal and have never heard of them, first off, call every single one of your friends and family members and personally apologize for ever having told them that you listen to death metal. We’ll wait. Done? OK, second off, don’t let the band name mislead you. These twisted fucks from Chicago have written some of the heaviest, sickest, gore-swamped death metal to have ever existed. True fans of the genre know that they’re up there with titans Cannibal Corpse, Death, Morbid Angel, et al. as one of the best and certainly most influential exemplars of the genre to come out of the U.S. Their output has run the gamut from technical death metal to brutal death metal to good old-fashioned old-school death metal. Because of this, we’re bound to piss off some of you with the below rankings, but we presume you’ll keep the comments civil. After all, metalheads are known to NOT show themselves to be hyper-opinionated assholes, right? Right??
7. Grotesque Blessings (1999)
Recorded during a rather tumultuous time in the band’s history, and just before a hiatus that would last well over a decade, “Grotesque Blessings” is by no means a bad album. It’s just lacking something that definitively made every other album Broken Hope. The riffs at times feel technical just for the sake of being technical. If that’s your thing, more power to you, and the death metal bands willing to scratch that itch are a dime a dozen. There are flashes of their former brilliance, as “Earthburner” hearkens back to their early nineties sound, and “Wolf Among Sheep” has some headbang-worthy ferocity. And then comes “Internal Inferno”. Is that *gulp* nu-metal we hear around the two-minute mark? It was 1999, after all. Maybe it was best that we left these riffs, as well as the PlayStation 1 graphics on the album cover, to be consumed by the apocalyptic hellfire that swept the planet due to the Y2K bug.
Play it again: “Chemically Castrated”
Skip it: “Christ Consumed” (points for blasphemy, but the song itself is kind of all over the place)
6. Swamped in Gore (1991)
Now we’re talking! Broken Hope’s 1991 opus is pretty much the polar opposite of “Grotesque Blessings,” as the riffs aren’t technical in the slightest. Joe Ptacek, the late, great guttural crusader, crawled out of the fucking swamp to introduce the world to a death growl that makes the infamous Brown Note sound like Seals & Crofts by comparison. This is a classic old-school death metal offering that’s filled with horror-influenced, vomit-inducing fun. Virtually every aspect of the band’s music would be improved upon by subsequent releases, but isn’t that supposed to be the case? For now, fix yourself a nice plate of fresh viscera and enjoy this album for what it is. Just resist the temptation to fork your loved ones in the eye when the double-bass in “Dismembered Carcass” kicks in.
Play it again: “Gorehog”
Skip it: “Awakened by Stench”
5. Repulsive Conception (1995)
We hate to harp on Joe Ptacek again, but GODDAMN that guy could growl. From the second the vocals in “Dilation and Extraction” kick in, we start swooning like a Baby Boomer at a Rick Springfield concert. This album is packed with groovy, slimy riffs that gave Morbid Angel’s “Domination” a run for its money and helped make 1995 a banner year for the neck brace industry. At 15 tracks, however, this one gets a little bloated in the back half with no real standouts (and it ends with a Twisted Sister cover? Really?) With that being said, the songs still slay, and plenty of fans top their Broken Hope lists with this bad boy. While we don’t necessarily take umbrage with that, we just feel it’s outshined by the albums below.
Play it again: “Pitbull Grin”
Skip it: “The Internal Twin”
4. Loathing (1997)
We know this one is a personal favorite amongst the brutal death metal crowd, so we have ensconced ourselves in our offices in anticipation of an invasion of angry middle-aged men in cargo shorts. Please be gentle with us; we bruise easily. On the whole, this is a killer album that serves as a greatly improved version of “Grotesque Blessings.” There’s still some overly technical wankery in the riffs, but with enough signature Broken Hope groove thrown in for a healthy balance. This one in particular goes hard in the whip, so blast “Auction of the Dead” if you’re looking for random metalheads to nod respectfully at your 2013 Honda Fit. Self-care is important.
Play it again: “I Am God”
Skip it: “Reunited”
3. Omen of Disease (2013)
Wow! Over a decade of crickets from the Broken Hope camp yields a truly stellar outing with a largely reformed lineup. New frontman Damian Leski steps into the shoes (actually, boots, who are we kidding?) left by Joe Ptacek and delivers a performance undoubtedly worthy of even the most discerning of fans. This album hits the sweet spot between the old school death metal they started with and the brutal death metal they helped to cultivate. Just listen to those grooves on “Womb of Horrors” to start it off. So sick! Throw some dynamic leads from guest guitarist Chuck Wepfer, and you’ve got a recipe for a really kickin’ vomit and severed body parts gumbo. Bon appetit!
Play it again: “Give Me the Bottom Half”
Skip it: The skit at the end of “Rendered Into Lard” (but only after you’ve listened to it once, as it is pretty funny)
2. Mutilated and Assimilated (2017)
This album took everything that was great about “Omen of Disease” and just gave us more of it. More headbang-y riffs, more gut-wrenching vocals, more killer guitar solos. Fuck yeah! Sole original member and rhythm guitarist Jeremy Wagner should get into corporate recruiting, because that motherfucker knows how to amass talent. The title track and, presumably, the instrumental “Beneath Antarctic Ice” are both influenced by John Carpenter’s “The Thing.” What more can a metalhead ask for? And just look at that album art. We have no clue what that is, but we’re secretly hoping it follows us on socials. So pump up the volume and angrily pour some J&B into your 1982 Chess Wizard computer. One more to go!
Play it again: “The Bunker”
Skip it: “The Necropants” (actually, don’t skip it because it rips, but wtf is up with that title?)
1. The Bowels of Repugnance (1993)
Go ahead and let the haunting and weirdly beautiful intro “Repugnance” lull you into a false sense of relaxation, because “The Dead Half” is going to emerge from the 7th layer of hell and force-feed you rotting human meat. Late drummer Ryan Stanek keeps you on your toes with ridiculous blast beats (just listen to “She Came Out in Chunks” and “Decimated Genitalia,”) and we think we’ve already gotten the message across on those vocals. Overall, this album is just a shining example of everything that makes old-school death metal great. Sickening, heavy, putrid, and mind-numbingly brutal. We probably have an article on Weezer forthcoming, so up your metal street cred in anticipation and give this a listen!
Play it again: The whole goddamn thing
Skip it: Don’t make us sic the cannibals on you
Statler and Waldorf have never been arrested at a sex club, but that doesn’t mean they’re strangers to the scene. If you’ve got a verbal humiliation kink, these silver Daddies are the best in the business.
You can cook one, you can eat one, you can throw one like a boomerang, but there are some things you just can’t do with a fish without someone calling the authorities. You’re Lew Zealand pal, not Led Zeppelin, show a little restraint!
When your safeword is “Sher ber guurv” it’s only a matter of time before things go south, especially when half the shit you say sounds like some variation of that. An intoxicated Swedish Chef was arrested after verbally berating a dominatrix for stopping too much at a BDSM club called “Strings Attached” back in 1996.
She was arrested at an S&M club only once in 2003, having handcuffed herself to a radiator with “George W. Bush” written across her chest encouraging patrons to throw deli meat at her as a conceptual art piece protesting the war in Iraq.
In a highly publicized incident at an LA alternative lifestyle bar called Chompers, Gene was arrested for soliciting participants in what he called “Consensual cannibalism.” He is still awaiting trial and is currently in talks with Armie Hammer’s legal team.
He’s been arrested 4 times to date for harassment at alternative lifestyle clubs and bars, but not for sexual harassment. Sweetums goes there to preach the word of Christ to all the “poor sinners” and refuses to leave until he’s said his peace. Martyrdom is a kink too Sweetums, get off your high horse!
As anyone who has been to one knows, BDSM clubs can be a hotbed for drug activity. Dealers know that most cops are too square to step foot into those places, and they become emboldened. But when 9 people wind up in the hospital on the same night because a rodent sold them a concoction of furniture varnish, bath salts and Sudafed he tried to pass off as club drugs, police will take notice.
He’s been arrested at alternative lifestyle clubs on numerous occasions, allegedly all due to incidents involving a severe scatological fetish, though it’s rumored that’s just a cover to mask the fact that he’s massively incontinent.
It is estimated that 70% of people making a scene while being kicked out of sex clubs are dudes in bucket hats, and Zoot is no exception.
BDSM clubs and kink events are supposed to be a safe and consensual space to explore desires that square society considers indecent, but there’s no safe and consensual way to practice the shit Scooter is into. His fetish for getting subs hooked on cocaine and becoming their sugar daddy is simply deplorable, a fact which he has been told at many a nightclub that he has refused to leave until he gets dragged away in handcuffs.
Sexually Bobo identifies as an otter, despite being a bear. It’s confusing and has led to more than a few arguments at BDSM clubs. Throw a little alcohol in the mix the paws start flying and it’s just a mess.
There’s the safe way to practice fire play and then there’s the way Harry does it. It’s almost as if his kink is being arrested for reckless endangerment.
Dr. Teeth cultivates the mystique of The Electric Mayhem very carefully. Just look at the various videos of him being dragged out of sex clubs in handcuffs. Look at how good his hair looks under that perfectly placed black leather spiked top hat. And isn’t it curious that the clubs always wind up dropping the charges as soon as the media frenzy dies down? These arrests are 100% staged so that the good doctor can maintain his dangerous bad-boy image. In real life, he’ll take a quiet night in reading early Russian literature over a spanking any day.
Never go to a sex club with a guy named “Lips,” you’re just asking for trouble.
If you thought she was abusive towards Kermit, you should see what this hog gets up to on a Saturday night. Mistress Piggy is one of the cruelest and most sadistic kinksters in the United States, specializing in financial domination, hoof worship (receiving), and erotic karate chops. She delights in bringing powerful men (and frogs) to their knees, and she can seriously fly off the handle when a client does something to displease her, like bringing her the wrong flowers or failing to arrive with their remote control vibrating anal beads inserted and ready. These meltdowns have been featured on TMZ many times.
You can do a lot at a BDSM club but one thing you can’t do is saw out a bunch of drywall and fuck with the wiring, even if you are “just conducting an experiment to study the effects of high voltage current and verbal humiliation on my scrotum.”
Rowlf is a pet-play fetishist who has been arrested several times for paying doms to walk him around on a collar and leash in several public parks and family-friendly eateries. He has, however, never been convicted of a crime, on the technicality that he is, in fact, a dog.
Not every club is cool with the diaper thing, read the fine print Link.
If you think his jokes are bad, wait till you hear how he talks to women he assumes are sex workers at alternative nightclubs. You’re not fooling anyone with that “Put your hand up my ass” line Fozzie, we all know you’re not that kind of puppet. Waka waka!
A textbook voyeur, Beaureguard was always getting thrown out of BDSM clubs and kink events for violating the “no recording” policy, so he decided to take things a step further. Posing as a janitor he would infiltrate the establishments during off hours and install hidden cameras all over the place, including the restroom of course. Real sicko. Well the operation wound up getting expensive so naturally Beaureguard started selling the footage to the Russian mob, and that’s when he got in real trouble. He is currently believed to be in the witness protection program, though it’s hard to say how effective that is. He’s Beauregard, people are going to know he’s not “John Smith.”
It ain’t easy being green, especially when you’re constantly getting bad press for being arrested masturbating at porno theaters. Now to be clear, it’s our opinion that vice sting operations at porno theaters are a complete waste of time and resources that should be going towards actual crime, that it’s a truly victimless crime, and that no one should be arrested for it. Still, the sheer number of times it’s happened to Kermit is baffling. It’s almost as if he can’t finish until he hears “Police, freeze!”
The “Meep Meep” schtick really loses its charm once you’ve seen one of the countless videos of Beaker outside of a sex club shouting “Do you know who I am?! Do you know who the fuck I am?! I’m the Beaker mother fucker! You tell that whore the B-man said she just made a big mistake, a BIG mistake! Get that camera out of my face!”
As the Muppet’s token conservative, Sam the Eagle has been arrested for altercations at deviant sex parlors on numerous occasions. Who could forget the time he was pulled over with a teenage trans sex worker and large quantities of crack cocaine in his car, just hours after appearing on Fox News to condemn the left’s lack of traditional values?
Animal just straight up gets arrested a lot, like pretty much anytime he goes out. His proximity to sex clubs during many of said arrests might honestly be a coincidence, but technically he comes in at #2.
No surprise here, Gonzo’s mugshot is taped up to the “Do not serve” wall in more lifestyle clubs than any living person or Muppet in the United States. You name it and he’s been arrested for it at a sex club—solicitation, possession, dealing, assault, the list goes on. His most frequent offense is bringing a live chicken named Camilla with him, a clear health code violation. What’s more troubling is that by all accounts Gonzo seems to be forcing the lifestyle onto his chicken, boasting “I’m the gas, she’s the breaks, but we make it work” in a recent viral interview.
Geno played for the Jets and lived to tell the tale. From his experience navigating professional sports dumpster fires, he knows better than to put himself in a precarious situation where a Jurassic Park-like dinosaur lizard could potentially mangle his hands.
Running quarterbacks are known to be fast, elusive, and adept at escaping Komodo dragon encounters in the pocket. Lamar is a sure bet to end the season with all 10 of his fingers because of his elite rushing upside. Put money on that.
Gardner comes from a long line of highly successful Komodo breeders so he knows his way around lizard mouths. Sure, his father may have lost his pinky finger in 2002 to a routine biting incident, but Gardner has learned from the mistakes of his ancestors and has had applied that to his NFL career.
Komodo dragons can reach speeds of up to 12 miles per hour in short bursts. Luckily, Anthony can do five or six times that, so most wild animals don’t stand a chance. Not even these endangered ones who can’t even get their shit together and reproduce. He’ll easily outperform Komodo-threat expectations this year.
Jared seems to have had a renaissance in Detroit. He’s even made the Lions a good football team. It is way harder to make the Detroit Lions a respectable franchise than it is to leave the Komodo dragon exhibit with all of your digits. Goff is lizard-proof.
Caleb was drafted first overall this year thanks to his elite arm, accuracy, and pocket awareness. He’s one of the best prospects since Peyton Manning, and that guy finished his career without sustaining a single apex predator attack during the season.
We all know Komodo dragons hate cold weather so they will be nowhere near Lambeau Field. If they ever figured out how to manufacture little sweaters for themselves, they would end us all individually. Thanks to the failures of evolution, Jordan is one of the safest bets against Komodo danger in the NFL this year.
Mahomes has a vested interest in keeping his fingers intact because it’s stipulated in his contract that if he were to ever lose any appendages from a wild animal encounter he would have to forfeit any guaranteed money he’s owed. That’s why you never see Patrick at zoos, pet adoption locations, or BYO Komodo dragon parties.
The biggest knock against Bryce is that he has small hands. This may not be ideal for an NFL quarterback, but it actually works tremendously in his favor during an unexpected encounter with a menacing Komodo dragon because it means his fingers will be harder to sink one’s teeth into. Bryce has a very promising reptile-precluding career ahead of him.
Josh is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You think a 200-pound lizard can take him down? Please, he has to deal with Buffalo Bills fans on a daily basis. Komodo dragons are nothing in comparison.
Komodo dragons have been known to dig up human corpses from cemeteries and eat them. Luckily, Jalen is very much alive so he won’t have to worry about that this year. However, Jalen’s great grandparents are not safe. Someone check on their graves.
Dak has spent the entire offseason on his conditioning and practicing fending off Komodo dragons. Unfortunately, he’s been using chameleons as a stand-in. Everyone knows they’re not the same, but it’s still better than not training at all. Dak should be fine. If anything, he’ll know when a Komodo dragon changes colors, if they even do that.
The United States doesn’t have any Komodo dragons, but if they were going to magically appear somewhere, it would definitely be in Arizona. Specifically, in Glendale. This state has been preparing for this sort of invasion for decades. That’s why they do Komodo dragon drills in elementary school where they hide under their desk after they sound an alarm. This is also part of the Cardinals’ team drills, so Kyler should be prepared.
Jacoby has been on five different teams in his NFL career. If he was going to get annihilated by a humongous lizard it would have happened already and definitely when he played for the Browns.
Miami is a party city and every October they hold the Running of the Komodo Dragons where participants get the chance to run from stampeding monitor lizards. The Dolphins are known to run in the event as a team-building exercise every year, so Tua has experience averting reptilian danger. Tyreek Hill always wins though, but their backup kicker always gets torn to shreds.
Joe Burrow was actually out for much of last year due to a lingering Komodo dragon attack that resulted in him losing half of his calf muscle. These kinds of soft tissue injuries are not likely to spread to your fingers so he should be fine this year.
