2004 was a totally normal time where nothing weird ever happened. Donald Trump wasn’t a threat to democracy, Iraq was liberated thanks to America’s heroic quest for oil, Martha Stewart was in jail, and Afghanistan was there, too! In 2004, the Super Bowl showed 100% more nipple, and literally anyone could get a mortgage. Since no year will ever be as great as ‘04 was, we’re going to sit on this couch and count down the top 20 metal albums turning 20 this year or masturbate until we fall asleep. Whichever comes first. And yes, we get it, we are posers for bunching these albums under the umbrella of metal when they can all be broken out into hyper-specific sub-genres, you seem like a lot of fun.
Three Inches of Blood “Advance and Vanquish”
Have you ever needed an album that would be perfect for chugging beers AND fistfighting your uncle? Well, look no further than the auditory ankle monitor that is “Advance and Vanquish”. It sounds like a bunch of denim-clad barbarians burned down a high school and threw a kegger in the ashes. The album is a blast, but don’t play it in public unless you’re at a hog roast. You can imagine why.
Zao “Funeral of God”
Christian hardcore was at its annoying peak in the early aughts. “The Funeral of God” had the quintessential hallmarks of a quality Christian hardcore except the title sounded juuuust atheist enough you wouldn’t be teased mercilessly by your friends for liking it. Legend says that if you put your ear up to a youth pastor’s forearm tattoos, you can still hear “The Funeral of God” in its entirety.
DragonForce “Sonic Firestorm”
In 2003, your roommate was all-in on tech metal. He couldn’t go a single day without mentioning the time he saw Into the Moat or showing off his Ion Dissonance vinyl. Then 2004 happened. At first, Zeke liked DragonForce ironically, but after months of playing “Sonic Firestorm” 24/7, he magically had hair down to his ass. Relisten to this album with caution because Zeke was right. 20 years later, DragonForce’s brand of glamorous power metal is still too infectious to resist.
Glass Casket “We Are Gathered Here Today”
This technical metalcore album is awesome because they sound exactly like BTBAM without any of the, “In this house, it’s okay for men to have emotions other than horny or pants-shitting anger.” But since you’re older and want to become your municipality’s next comptroller, consider using “Between the Sheets” in your campaign to court the all-important Millennial former scene kid vote. You’ll lose by a landslide!
Premonitions of War “Left in Kowloon”
Premonitions of War’s “Left in Kowloon” was featured in a mid-2000s teen comedy about a plucky bunch of nerds trying to score drugs so they could hook up with their sexy high school guidance counselor. The band–playing a bunch of drug dealers–reveal they only sell narcotics to finance their dream of becoming a hardcore band. In the final scene, Premonitions of War plays a rockin’ house show while high school students mule methamphetamine into a wealthy suburban neighborhood. This album is the reason the scene loves Judd Apatow!
Arsis “A Celebration of Guilt”
This album thrashes so hard, it’ll make you suspicious of the American government. The picking is fast and clean and really makes the listener wonder how long it would take to build a badass bunker in the woods. This newfound paranoia will go perfectly with your all-camo shorts wardrobe. Uncle Sam can’t kill you if he can’t see your thighs!
Suffocation “Souls To Deny”
This album sounds the way a hangover feels. The only way to deal with the pain of hearing Suffocation’s blistering death metal is to eat biscuits and gravy and drink beer until you pass back out. In every way, “Souls To Deny” will ruin you. Don’t listen to this album unless you have the next day off.
Tower of Rome “All Is Lost…All Is Lost…All Is Yet To Be Found”
Who said EPs don’t count on an album of the year list? I don’t remember specifying that.
This chaotic-ass piece of audio perfectly represents the mid-aughts because it’s fun, heavy, has all its hair, and its wife Cheryl isn’t cybering with some guy she met on a work trip to Philadelphia. “All is Lost…” knows how to party. And how to get the boys together to do a bunch of problematic things. This album probably posted a bunch of that edgelord shit online and got away with it because MySpace indiscretions have a statute of limitations.
Cattle Decapitation “Humanure”
Fun fact: Cattle Decap almost released “Humanure” with a scratch-and-sniff cover. Mercifully, the FDA, CIA, and Comics Code Authority declined to authorize the release of a product that smelled like the band’s fan base.
Necrophagist “Epitaph”
This is the kind of music you kill your favorite goat to. It sucks you have to dismember your son’s best friend to feed your family, but… it’s kinda fuckin’ awesome when you get that first hit of arterial spray, right? YAAAAAHHHHH!!! Pete was cool as fuck, but now that Necrophagist is blowing out the barn speakers, all bets are off. “THE BEEEEAAAAST WILL BE WIIIIIIIIIISE, FEEEEEAAAAAST: AN EYE FOR AN EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEE!!!!”
The Chariot “Everything Is Alive, Everything Is Breathing, Nothing Is Dead, and Nothing Is Bleeding”
The best part of this record is how it sounds like everyone making the album had radiation poisoning. It’s weird that an album that sounds so objectively bad is so goddamn good. “Everything Is Alive…” is a classic, but I’m guessing the band is still disappointed no songs were featured in the 2004 cinematic masterpiece “The Incredibles.”
Pig Destroyer “Terrifyer”
“Terrifyer” is special because you can play almost the entire 21-song album in a 30-minute lunch break at your dental office. If there is a band people mostly associate with dentists, it’s Pig Destroyer. And if you need another reason to blast grindcore at work, a study I just conducted proves that listening to Pig Destroyer while you pull teeth is very fucking awesome.
Fear before the March of Flames “Art Damage”
I don’t get this one. “Art Damage” sounds like somebody killed the wrong Blood Brother and thought we wouldn’t notice. Truthfully, this album is only on the list because I can’t afford to lose another MySpace friend. There are so few left!
Behemoth “Demigod”
Does listening to this band automatically make you a feminist? Not immediately. But the more I listen to Behemoth, the more I love doing makeup and shopping for cute leather outfits. Since “Demigod” came into my life, my hair, makeup, and skin are fiercer than they’ve ever been! Becoming a ravenous, permanently-online Behemoth fan has truly given me my best life!
Mastodon “Leviathan”
According to the Mastodon subreddit, listening to “Leviathan” 150 times will automatically grant you the English department chair position at any university. Academia could use more professors with weird body smells and infected toes, so jam this album about a sexually-charged whale hunt as loud and as often as you can. The superiority of American academics depends on you!
Unearth “The Oncoming Storm”
Were you bullied for wearing a white studded belt, girl jeans, and a size Youth Large shirt that barely covered your belly button in 2004? If so, your favorite band was probably Unearth, and the person making fun of you was most likely a 42-year-old white man with SLAYER carved into his forehead. The 2000s were a confusing time, but this album isn’t. “The Oncoming Storm” has gnarly breakdowns, a tornado destroying Des Moines, IA on the cover, and it like barely, sort-of, completely plagiarizes “Slaughter of the Soul”.
Converge “You Fail Me”
Jacob Bannon killed someone and got away with it. Hear me out. In 2001, Converge released “Jane Doe” with a decapitated woman’s head on the cover. And just when the sick thrill of putting a murder victim’s face on merch wore off, Bannon put her severed hand on the cover of the next album. You really think two consecutive albums with dismembered body parts was an artistic choice and not some sort of sick human trophy case? Mark my words, Jacob Bannon is a cold-blooded killer.
Isis “Panopticon”
If this album had a job, it would run a junkyard. Or be the GM of a very chill Midwest cat cafe franchise. But running a junkyard full of old guitars, tattoo guns, and BMX bikes sounds kinda kickass, right? “Panopticon” goes from heavy to dreamy which is exactly how it felt when I got tetanus working in the Hydra Head junkyard. Looking back, that was a really dangerous job, and I’m pretty sure the only reason Isis broke up had something to do with their OSHA repeat-offender status. So don’t listen to this album unless you’ve had a Tdap booster in the last decade.
The Dillinger Escape Plan “Miss Machine”
This throat punch of electronica-infused tech metal unleashed Greg Puciato on the masses. This thick-veined, pit bull of a man washed over the scene with a savagery unseen since the Ultimate Warrior wrestled Hulk Hogan for the Heavyweight title. “Miss Machine” may not have been able to wear bedazzled spandex around its barely-covered steroid nuts, but it absolutely body slammed me out of a few K holes. I had a frightening lack of responsibilities in 2004, okay? You’re canceled if you judge me. Doctors say ketamine is good for you now!
The Acacia Strain “3750”
This album is so heavy it briefly makes you forget how utterly fucked humanity is–a true artistic breakthrough! Early aughts arts and culture were homosapien’s apex, and I say that knowing “3750” was recorded in a trash can by a bunch of feral dogs. Sure, in 2004 America was an invading force in multiple countries, but don’t Arrested Development and Michael Phelps’s 8 medals count for something? If those cultural touchstones don’t make you long for a time that’s been overly-simplified and reduced to its best parts, this greasy, 11-gigaton bomb of an album will surely remind you it was all downhill from there.
Learning to play along with the songs you love is a great way to connect with all the emotions you are holding back as hard as you can. Who knows, maybe you’ll get good enough to start a cover band and show everyone how awesome your cover of “Brain Stew” by Green Day sounds. Guitar comes in at number 10 on our list because other than having sore fingertips if you actually take the time to practice, the only thing you’re going to hurt is your ego when you realize your teenager doesn’t want to listen to a 43-year-old man play songs by Mom Jeans while crying at their birthday sleepover.
Frisbee Golf, it’s like regular golf, but for dad’s that like weed. Sure tell us how challenging and exhausting it is, we all know why you’re there though. Great for going out and enjoying the weather when you haven’t left the house for 12 days since you work from home and only eat DoorDash. You’ll make friends with plenty of people who exclusively drink craft beer, wear five-panel hats, and definitely don’t smoke grass like some kind of loser. Your biggest injury risk comes from the tendinitis, also known as Golfer’s Elbow, you’ll get from exclusively throwing the frisbee as hard as you can to impress everyone trying to just enjoy the park. This doesn’t sound very serious but if you’re going to win that 420 foot drive contest you better start investing in stem cell injections, hippie.
Joining a beer league is a great way to make friends, stay in shape, and let out some aggression on people who most likely got divorced last month too. The freedom you feel flying around the ice at top speed while you hit anything you can with your stick will be a much more legal alternative to trying to fight Dr. Ben in the parking lot at his office. If you decide to play Hockey you are going to have to accept that you are going to get hurt eventually. You might think the injury risk here is something cool like getting hit in the face with a stick or a fist, but you’re more likely to end up with a bruised tailbone from falling on your ass since you didn’t actually learn how to skate first. You’ll be fine.
Joining a gym is a great way to improve both your physical and mental health. Exercise can help you to focus your mind, and the high you get from a killer workout will make you feel almost as good as the amphetamines that lace your pre-workout do. Let’s be real though, your legs haven’t seen a workout since you were in college and you don’t want Deb to see you walking funny and accuse you of drinking again. The only muscles you’re going to work out are the ones you can show off with your homemade “No Fear” tank top. Overall, this one is fairly safe. You’ll spend a year seeing improvements until you blow your ACL playing pick-up basketball instead of doing leg day because you “don’t like hamstring curls.” You’ll have to get surgery and will probably never do squats again (like you were going to do them anyway).
Pickleball is one of the fastest growing hobbies for adults since cornhole hit the tailgate scene. Kind of like tennis, kind of like ping pong, and kind of like exercise, Pickleball is a fun way to meet people and work off some of that “irritability” you may be experiencing. There’s nothing like completely dominating a 63-year-old couple who “just wanted to have a good time” on a Sunday morning to get your mind in the right place to handle your upcoming week. Play with caution though, if you don’t roll your ankle and have to use crutches for 3-6 months there is a good chance you’ll need stitches when you catch a racquet to the face for screaming at your partner for getting a THIRD FOOT FAULT IN THREE SERVES, JESUS CHRIST CAROL.
When you’re fit, you’re active, and you’re ready to clear your mind by only thinking of one thing day and night, then CrossFit is for you. CrossFit – also known as “Cross” by these psychos, I mean athletes – will exhaust you enough not to think about Deborah and Dr. Ben going on that vacation next month. CrossFit is generally a safe hobby if you take the time to do the exercises correctly, but let’s be honest, you’re just there to do a couple deadlifts and drink a protein shake. In the 3-6 months you spend doing it you’ll get in the best shape of your life, but you’ll inevitably need surgery after you tear your shoulder doing those weird pull ups.
Paintball is a fun and exciting way to inevitably get arrested for punching a 13 year old. A serious sport of intense simulated combat, paintball is basically Call of Duty LARPing for ROTC kids and dads trying to bond with their kids now that they have unsupervised visits. You will have a blast maxing out your credit card limit on the best upgrades and equipment money can buy, but will face a sharp reality when your lack of cardio causes you to overheat and throw up in the middle of the battlefield while a pack of teenagers ignores you trying to yell “HIT” between heaves. This one will cause you more mental pain than anything when you wind up with a felony after you catch one of the little punks and punch him right in the jaw. Who’s hit now, Billy.
The UFC, Joe Rogan, and Staph Infections, what do they have in common? That’s right, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu! One of the fastest rising martial arts in the nation, BJJ is a self-defense martial art that focuses on the use of grappling and submission holds rather than striking. You’ll love how great it feels to roll around trying to choke someone out, which you have totally never envisioned yourself doing to any medical professionals. While many hail it as one of the fastest ways to get into shape and build confidence, this one will most likely tap you out via staph infection – the unspoken darkness of the BJJ world. Often spread due to poor hygiene, you’ll be at risk every time you and your sweaty buddies decide to roll. While relatively common in the sport, staph infections can have serious and painful long-term effects, and could even kill you, so take a shower you greasy knuckle dragger.
If you loved playing “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” as a kid and still watch Thrasher videos on YouTube then you might think getting back into skating as an adult is a good idea. You’ll have street cred with high schoolers and you’ve always dreamed of being the old-head chilling at the skatepark, just make sure you’ve already met your insurance copay for the year. Skateboarding is one of the more dangerous hobbies you can pursue, and will take one month MAX before you’re calling your ex to let her know you’re in the emergency room because you watched Dog Town and snapped your leg trying to kickflip in the garage. Be careful or the only thing you’ll be shredding are the pictures of you and Deb on your vacation to Gulf Shores last summer.
While you most likely won’t get physically hurt, therapy comes in at number one because you’ll be forced to finally talk about what hurts the most, your feelings. Decades of bottling your emotions has most likely led your mental health to looking like the pit at a Wonder Years show – full of the sad and angsty screaming that makes people ask if you’re still taking your medication. Going to therapy and talking about your feelings is going to hurt more than any other hobby on this list, but let’s be honest, if you see one more picture pop up of Deb and Dr. Ben at your daughter’s soccer game you’re going to get arrested for taking it out on the next barista that spells your name wrong.
