Every Hot Water Music Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Florida is America’s punchline. And for the most part rightfully so since it has given us so many awful things and deserves the mockery. But every once in a while something good and decent actually emerges from that swampy, sinking bastion of ignorance. And one of those somethings is Gainesville’s own Hot Water Music.

Their southern-twinged, blue-collar punk anthems have been striking nerves with the bearded and the disaffected since 1994 and they show no signs of letting up and are perhaps even more popular now than ever. In fact, you can almost guarantee that one of their songs is being played at a craft brewery as we speak.

Well, we let our beards grow in (as best as we could) threw on our best dirty trucker hats, and took on the impossible task of ranking all eleven of Hot Water Music’s albums. Prepaaaarre yourselllllff!

11. The New What Next (2004)

So unfortunately every album ranking needs to start with a “worst” and for HWM their worst happened in 2004. Everything about this album screams early mid-2000s including the throw-a-bunch-of-shit-at-the-wall cover artwork. The defining characteristic of “The New What Next” is how forgettable it is. Even after multiple listens you will struggle to hum any one of these songs. Meanwhile, that fucking Ozempic commercial jingle plays in your brain on a loop 24/7, doesn’t it?

Play it again: “The End Of The Line”
Skip it: “The Ebb And Flow”

10. Finding the Rhythms (1995)

Look, every band has its humble, possibly embarrassing beginnings. (Except for Black Sabbath, they were perfect from the get-go.) There’s really nothing terrible or egregious here (except at times a few possibly out-of-tune guitars) but they do fall into some well-tread punk pitfalls like using THAT ONE CHORD PROGRESSION in “Counting Numbers” that everyone used in the ‘90s. You know the one… It’s in Green Day’s “When I Come Around” and also in like every other Green Day song.

Play it again: “The Passing”
Skip it: “Practice In Blue”

9. Light It Up (2017)

They really leaned into the grizzled boxcar hopper style vocals on Light It Up but overall it just seems to settle into a comfortable mid-paced, mid-energy slump. What it’s lacking in oomph it attempts to make up for with a bunch of “WHOA-OHs” but to little avail. If you were on a really long road trip with your dad this would be an album you could throw on that neither of you would be offended by while also being disappointed by it. Like a perfect analogy of your relationship.

Play it again: “Bury Your Idols”
Skip it: “Light It Up”

8. Fuel for the Hate Game (1997)

The first of two albums they would release in 1997. And this one is really the rougher, less polished, less gooder one. They had all the ingredients there but they just seemed to take the cake out of the oven a little too early. Also instead of using sugar, they used rock salt. And they either finished it with either too much or too little frosting and then topped it off with fucking walnuts. Yeah, this cake metaphor isn’t working as well as we planned but it’s almost lunchtime and we all have low blood sugar around here.

Play it again: “Elektra”
Skip it: “Rock Singer”

7. Exister (2012)

Hot Water Music entered the third phase of their career in 2012. After an 8-year hiatus since the somewhat lackluster “The New What Next” they returned with a more polished sound and with a smidge of adult-contemporary rock sensibilities. While not exactly becoming household names they definitely reached a wider audience with Exister and even people like the guy in your office who always wears a Patagonia vest probably know “Drag My Body.”

Play it again: “Drag My Body”
Skip it: “No End Left In Sight”

6. VOWS (2024)

Usually, when a band that has been around for multiple decades announces a new album it is met with extreme apathy because let’s face it, most bands sound like a shadow of their former selves after that many years *cough* Green Day *cough*. And while this maybe isn’t their best the fact that it sits comfortably in the midway spot in this ranking proves that in 2024 they’ve still got it and are not just embarrassing themselves *cough* Rancid *cough*.

Play it again: “Fences”
Skip it: “Bury Us All”

5. A Flight and a Crash (2001)

“A Flight and a Crash” is such a perfect name for this album, and not just because it came out a few months before the 9/11 attacks. It starts out really strong with the tile track, “Jack Of All Trades”, and “Paper Thin” all being absolute ragers and exactly what you want from the Gainesville boys. Unfortunately, once you get about halfway through the album it starts to feel like the engines have lost power and this baby is going down. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Best you can hope for is a water landing.

Play it again: “Jack Of All Trades” or really just the first half up to “Choked and Separated”
Skip it: The second half

4. Feel The Void (2022)

It doesn’t even seem possible that a band almost thirty years into their career can release an album this good. So many gut-wrenching singalong anthems to scream into the void and to air punch to. Just take it easy, okay? You might want to do some light stretching and pop a few extra strength Advil first. Also, that clicking sound in your shoulder doesn’t sound good. Might want to call a doctor about that.

Play it again: “Collect Your Things And Run,” “Killing Time”
Skip it: Pretending you’re still young and spry

3. Caution (2002)

Caution seems to top the list for many a Hot Water Music fan’s favorite album. And it really is great. It’s just at this point in this ranking the advantages of one album over another are razor-thin and maybe we just have more discerning tastes over here. There is a sunshiney brightness to these songs making it one of their most upbeat and accessible. Like if they ever get tapped to have a song in a car commercial this would be the album it would come from.

Play it again: “Trusty Chords,” “Wayfarer”
Skip it: “We’ll Say Anything We Want”

2. No Division (1999)

Arguably their most raw and emotional album. Songs like “Rooftops” and “Driving Home” hit you right in the feels (Do people still say that? Felt a little gross to say honestly) Every aspect of what makes Hot Water Music so memorable is here and at their peak powers. Doesn’t hurt that it was produced by Walter Schreifels also. This would be the last of what you could call the classic HWM sound. They would start to explore more pop aspects after this.

Play it again: “Free Radio Gainesville,” “It’s Hard To Know,” “Our Own Way”
Skip it: “Jet Set Ready“

1. Forever and Counting (1997)

Uh-oh, we may have just lost a lot of you with this one. And yeah, this album seems to be divisive, and even the band members themselves disavow it and refuse to play any of the songs live anymore. But before you get your beards all tied up in a knot, consider this – you’re all wrong. This album is fucking perfect. I mean, you listen to punk, right? Better Sense? Just Don’t Say You Lost It? Minno? Come. The. Fuck. On. Are the dueling vocals always precisely timed? No. Is the songwriting or production sanitary and alt-rock radio-friendly? No. But it is somehow still perfect. If this album being #1 makes you lose your temper that’s ok, just don’t say you lost it.

Play it again: Every perfectly flawed second
Skip it: Being contrarian for the sake of being contrarian

Anti-Homeless Bench Catapults Sitter Into the Sky If They Make Less Than 50k a Year

Posted on by Charles Bill

HARRISONBURG, Va. — City officials installed an anti-homeless bench this week that will catapult the sitter into the sky if they so much as dare to make less than $50,000 a year, confirmed sources who had to check their pay stubs.

“One second I was looking for somewhere to sleep, next thing I know I’m 30 feet in the air looking for a tree to land on,” explained unhoused individual Bradley Gray. “I hit some really tough times in life recently. Lost my job, ended up on the street. Most of the benches around here have little points on them, or inconvenient armrests that make it impossible to lie on, but this bench looked comfy as hell. I lay on it around midnight, and then I noticed it seemed to be getting closer to the ground, like it was getting ready to spring. Then a small speaker said ‘get a job, bum’ before I got trebucheted towards the courthouse. Thankfully I landed on a pile of people the bench had already launched and those bodies broke my fall.”

Although the new bench has received criticism by homeless advocate groups, it is also being hailed as an engineering marvel.

“It cost us 40-million dollars to build it, but it was all worth it,” said lead bench designer Dr. Alex Moore. “The easy part was getting a seat to hurl people through the air. That was done day one. The bench is on a very powerful spring that will then trip a switch and launch your poor ass to the heavens. Tough part was identifying the poor people. Had to put in facial recognition technology which then runs you through our national database to the IRS, which then reports back your income and yeets you appropriately, or not. If anyone has a beard the bench instantly sends them though, because no way a bearded person isn’t poor.”

The bench has received praise from city leaders.

“The goal of our city, and every other one in America, is to make life impossible for homeless people,” explained city councilman Greg Jacobsen. “If I had my way, everything the city did would be anti-homeless. Anti-homeless benches, parks, buses, police of course. I want an anti-homeless force whose only job is to find someone sleeping outside and shake them awake and spit on them. If we start treating these creatures like human beings, then they’ll believe it. You should see the splats from this new bench though, shit is Looney Tunes.”

At press time, city officials were working on a new bench design that would torture sitters Jigsaw-style if they worked three jobs and still couldn’t afford rent.

6 Lost David Bowie Concept Albums He Abandoned After Realizing They Were Just Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

David Bowie was a true chameleon of rock music. Over the decades, he was able to seamlessly blend wildly different genres and images into a brilliant multimedia career, and he was also prone to basking in the sun on a hot rock.

But even geniuses sometimes get hung up on an idea too, and for whatever reason, Bowie just couldn’t stop coming up with ideas for new concept albums that he later realized were just the plot of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.’ He repeatedly claimed in interviews that he had never read Roald Dahl’s 1964 children’s book or seen any of the film adaptations, but who’s to say? These abandoned albums seem awfully familiar…

‘The Blonde Child Who Owned a Factory’
In 1970, Bowie was coming to the close of his “unsuccessful hippie” phase and moving on to “leveraging wearing a dress for popularity.” Little remains of his planned album, ‘The Blonde Child Who Owned a Factory’ and early demos (which reportedly included songs titled “All the Slugworths Sing” and “Grandpa, Where Has Your Dance Gone”) were destroyed once the enraged singer read the back of a copy of the novel dropped by Tony Visconti in a haze of studio brandy. Engineer Gerald Chevin would later describe the sessions as “pretty obviously just the book.”

‘Charlie Galaxy and the Neverending Hard Candy’
Bowie hit a cultural nerve in 1972 with ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars’ and was reportedly under extreme pressure from RCA to create a sequel to the concept album. ‘Charlie Galaxy’ (as the album is known to fans) apparently followed the adventures of a boy whose quest to find a quasi-mystical jawbreaker led him to heroin abuse and a lot of makeup and is universally agreed to be “bad.’ As a kind of apology, RCA President Anthony L. Conrad gave Gene Wilder the master tapes to the near-complete album, but the ‘Willy Wonka’ actor said he didn’t want them.

‘Diamond Loompas’
‘Diamond Loompas’ was scrapped, Bowie would later tell ‘Blender’ in a 1999 interview, because his worsening drug habits made it impossible for him to articulate his post-apocalyptic visions of a group of gross children being slowly murdered by midgets and also, Road Dahl’s attorneys had gotten wise to him. He also revealed that his proposed cover art would have depicted him as half-man, half-Oompa Loompa, but with a fully exposed dog penis.

‘Wonkatacularia’
To his dying day, Bowie claimed that the title of ‘Wonkatacularia’ was coincidental. Yeah, fucking right, David.

‘Chocolate River, Dead Kid’
By the 1990s, Bowie’s critical rep had hit the skids and, after several failed attempts to record candy-themed follow-ups to the blockbuster ‘Let’s Dance,’ he finally emerged with a somber, jazz- and electronica-influenced album titled “Chocolate River, Dead Kid.” The plot of the album has been called “oblique at best” and “stupid,” but appears to focus on the dying thoughts of a German pre-teen musing on greed, post-Nazi politics, and why there would be a river made of chocolate in a factory. The album was never released for unknown reasons, but probably because it sucked.

‘Tim Burton, Make A Worse Version’
Discovered in the late singer’s archives in 2018, ‘Tim Burton, Make a Worse Version’ confounds many Bowie scholars. The spoken-word album is said to consist of the singer sleepwalking and reading from a copy of ‘Charlie,’ while occasionally wondering if filmmaker Tim Burton will ever make an unnecessarily morbid version of the story starring Johnny Depp and chanting in a “hellish tongue not of this Earth.” The album was recorded in 1977 and is currently in possession of the Vatican.

Bret Michaels’ Bandana and Cowboy Hat Launch Custody Battle Over His Head

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through legal briefs searching for any type of precedent.

“We’ve been sharing space on Bret’s scalp for decades, but it’s time for him to finally nut up and pick one of us,” stated his red paisley bandana. “It used to be just the two of us rocking out with our cocks out, but since that hat showed up, fans barely notice me. I’m being suffocated, both figuratively and literally, by that stupid cowboy gimmick. Fun fact: Bret’s never even rode a horse before. Last time he came within five feet of one he pissed his pants in fear. I don’t mean to be a dick, but I’m just tired of being strung along like this. I think it’s high time he makes an honest hair accessory out of me.”

The aging rocker’s cowboy hat couldn’t disagree more.

“The only reason he still keeps him around is because it’s technically impossible to remove him from being fused to Bret’s skull,” said the wide-brimmed headwear. “We seek an injunction for the bandana to immediately be surgically removed, in order for me to be the sole entity of the top of his dome and any surrounding areas like his forehead. Everyone knows I make Bret, Bret. I not only make him look cool as shit but I also shield his beautiful eyes from the sun and from all the adoring fans who swarm him at all those county fairs and casinos we now play at.”

Industry expert Kris Da Capo explained that objects fighting for space in a musician’s life isn’t a new phenomenon.

“Happens all the time,” said Da Capo. “Steven Tyler was dragged through the courts for years after dozens of his scarves sued for the right to exclusivity on his microphone stand. And one of the reasons Oasis initially broke up was because their various drugs of choice didn’t want to share the limelight. The only exception to the rule is Bono, whose sunglasses and leather jacket have been trying for years to emancipate themselves entirely from his act out of embarrassment.”

At press time, Michaels’ facial hair also dipped its toes into the legal waters after his mustache sent an urgent cease and desist order to his soul patch.

Here’s the Most Popular Halloween Costume the Year You Were Born and a Graphic Description of How Your Parents Smashed While Wearing It

Posted on by Dan Rice

As many Americans know, history started the day they entered this world and everything before that is dogshit that doesn’t matter, but what about that brief period of time that LED to you being here? Isn’t that almost as important as you? That’s probably why these clickbait lists of what was going on with pop culture the year you were born are so popular, but for us, they don’t go quite far enough. You need to know how the things that were happening that year impacted you specifically, and speaking of impacting, boy are you in for a treat!

A lot of poser websites out there will tell you what Halloween costume was most popular the year you were born, but at The Hard Times, we’re taking things to the next level. We’ll not only tell you the costume, but we’ll tell you how your parents used said costume romantically, to have the sex that would eventually make the most important thing in the universe, you! Let’s check it out:

1970 – The Beatles

The fab four had just split up, but Halloween partygoers wanted one last magical mystery ride, and who could blame them? Your parents, however, had their own magical mystery ride going on behind closed doors. They decided it was time for John (him) and Paul (her) to put their differences aside and “come together,” and “come together” is in quotes because it means they fucked as the Beatles and simultaneously came all over each other.

1971 – Willy Wonka

Wonka has remained a Halloween staple ever since, and if you’re at any costume party worth its punch you’ll see at least one purple-coated chocolatier among the crowd, but on Halloween night 1971 it was Wonka’s as far as the eye could see. Your father was no exception, and your mother was sport enough to play along as Veruca Salt. This activated something in your father. Perhaps he was taping into the thinly veiled cruelty of the character, but he spent the entire night fat-shaming your mother, telling her she shouldn’t have stolen all of that candy and that she was blowing up like a balloon. Far from angry, your mother goaded him on, aroused by the playful humiliation. They left the party, your father proudly telling the other guests it was time to “Juice her like the fat berry she is.” Nine months later, you came into this world.

1972 – The Godfather

On Halloween night of 1972, your mother made your father an offer he couldn’t refuse—sex with her! That’s right, they did it with her dressed as Vito Corleone and him dressed as movie producer Jack Woltz. That’s a lot to take in, so we won’t even tell you how they incorporated the horse’s head.

1973 – The Brady Bunch

The year was 1973, and Brady mania had swept the nation! It’s no surprise that practically everyone dressed as a member of the bunch that Halloween. What was a surprise was just how much incest-play it led to once everyone had a few. Nowadays anyone who visits PornHub can tell you how prevalent it is, but in ’73 this was wild, groundbreaking stuff. Once they finished a liberating session as Jan and Mike, they spent the remainder of the year trying out every combination of Brady Bunch characters romantically.

1974 – Richard Nixon

It was just two months after Richard Nixon resigned from office, and between the scandal and his made-for-caricature face, he became the go-to Halloween costume that year. Your father spent the entire night with double peace signs in the air proclaiming “They don’t call me tricky Dick for nothing!” until the woman who is now your mother finally sat on his face just to shut him up.

1975 – Dr. Frank-N-Furtur

Believe it or not, your parents didn’t dress up this year, but they did make love and your mom did call your dad an asshole the whole time so it was still on theme.

1976 – Charlie’s Angels

The Farrah Fawcett-led action/detective series was a phenomenon when it premiered in 1977, and women across the country celebrated Halloween dressed as their favorite one of Charlie’s girls. Your father was Bosley of course, and together, they were disgusting. They spent the entire night making the most contrived double entendres and bawdy workplace sex jokes you’ve ever heard in your life. They didn’t fuck each other though. It was an old-school swinger fishbowl party and they both went home with different characters from “Welcome Back, Cotter.”

1977 – Star Wars

It’s no surprise that one of the most enduring pop culture phenomenons of all time dominated Halloween the year of its release. What was surprising was your parent’s Grand Moff Tarkin and Biggs couple’s costumes. Biggs wasn’t even in the final cut of the movie, and this was long before the internet, so how your dad even knew who he was or what he looked like is puzzling. Your mother, doing an uncanny Peter Cushing impression, tied him to a chair and interrogated him on the location of the rebel base for the better part of an hour. Biggs, using his uncanny savvy (again though, how did your father know this?) broke free of his restraints and, at the exact right moment, pounced upon his captor. “Only a force-sensitive rebel with a midichlorian count above 50,000 could get the jump on me like that!” exclaimed Tarkin, before the grand Moff’s surprise turned to lust and they did all the positions to the dulcet tones of The Max Rebo band. Seriously did your parents know George Lucas or something?

1978 – Michael Myers and Saturday Night Fever

We have a tie! It seems Halloween partygoers were split this year between John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever” and Michael Myers from “Halloween.” Well, your dad doesn’t believe in ties, he believes in winners! That’s why he went to a Halloween party in John Travolta’s white disco suit AND a Michael Myers mask. Some people thought it was a bit contrived, but not your soon-to-be mom. She kept asking “Whose the guy doing the sexy knife dance?” She made him keep it on when he took her home and never actually saw his face till breakfast the following morning. To this day she won’t let him touch her without it.

1979 – Superman and Rocky

Yes, the top costume of Halloween 1979 was another tie between two strongmen—Superman and Rocky Balboa. Which camp did your mom and dad land in? Both! Your dad went to the party as Superman, and your mom went as The Italian Stallion! And then they fucked!

1980 The Dukes of Hazard

Yeah, and they recorded themselves. Between the rebel flag backdrop and the implied incest they improvised during roleplay, it’s a good thing neither of your parents ever ran for office.

1981 – Indiana Jones

In the first of a two-year streak of Halloween seasons dominated by Stephen Spielberg movies, your dad dressed as the titular Indiana Jones, and your mom, eschewing gender norms, dressed as Belloq. She rode him all night shouting “Give me that cock Dr. Jones” and he kept saying “No! It belongs in a museum!”

1982 – E.T.

Spielberg pulled a doubleheader the following Halloween, this time dominating the holiday with costumes of E.T., the loveable and vaguely phallic alien! Your parents went all out on this one, with your mom as E.T. and your dad as Elliot. They even rode around on a bicycle, it was super adorable! That is, until, that glowing finger started reaching into some unsavory places…

1983 – Madonna and Michael Jackson

Yes in 1983 everyone wanted to be The Material Girl or The King of Pop. What a simpler time. Your parents got pretty outside the box with this one behind closed doors. Your dad held a stuffed monkey and did the moonwalk while your mom fucked every celebrity impersonator in town right in front of him.

1984 – Ghostbusters

In 1984, bustin’ made us all feel good, and your parents were no exception. Let’s just say they weren’t covered in marshmallow.

1985 – Freddy Krueger

“A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a cultural phenomenon, and Halloween partygoers couldn’t get enough Freddy! Sexually, however, your parents had very different takes on the character. Your father constructed a glove with a dildo, butt plug, can of whipped cream, and French tickler instead of knives for fingers, all the elements for a night of sensual lovemaking. Your mother on the other hand developed a bizarre burn victim fetish, and tried to steer things in a darker direction the whole night. “Get over here and fuck me, you sexy horrible burn man! Tell me about all the kids you murdered while we do it!” By the end of the night, they decided that they just weren’t sexually compatible and agreed to go their separate ways. Unfortunately, this is the night you were conceived.

1986 – The California Raisins

We know what you’re thinking—”There’s no way my parents sexualized the California Raisins, right?” Guess again, Jack. We heard it through the grapevine that they lost their deposit on the rental because of all the love juice stains on those wrinkly purple costumes.

1987 – Robocop

Prime Directives:
1. Serve the public trust.
2. Protect the innocent.
3. Uphold the law.
4. Fuck your mom real good.

1988 – Beetlejuice

We don’t want to get too graphic here, so let’s just say your dad painted his dick up like a sand worm. That may sound graphic but trust us, compared to the full scope of Beetlejuice-centric taboo debauchery your parents got into that night, it’s quite tame.

1989 – Batman

It’s hard to believe there was a time when making a superhero movie was seen as a huge gamble, but this one sure paid off! It’s also hard to believe there was a time you didn’t know your dad liked to dress up as Batman and get tied up by your mom in Joker facepaint, but here we are.

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Every Carcass Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

When you hear mention of extreme metal, what comes to mind? Death? Destruction? Gore? How about conventional medical terminology? If you’re new to the genre, that last one might seem a little strange, but any seasoned metalhead automatically knows which band is being discussed when the word “scalpel” comes into play. That’s right, dear readers, it’s time to rank the studio albums of a certain band comprised of four lads hailing from Liverpool, and we’re not talking about the Beatles. Whether they were routinely inventing entire subgenres of metal or just providing a healthy (or, to be fair, not so healthy) alternative to the grunge that was pervading the airwaves in the early nineties, Carcass effortlessly showed themselves to be among the most influential extreme metal bands in history. So grab your lab coat (and don’t be afraid to get a little blood spatter on it) because there’s definitely going to be some arterial spray.

7. Swansong (1995)

The band’s final album before a nearly twenty year hiatus is not bad, per se, but one could definitely draw that conclusion in comparison to the four that came before it. We’re not saying there’s nothing worth salvaging here, as “Black Star” has a fucking killer riff, and “Child’s Play” starts off as a catchy little number (although it admittedly loses itself as the song goes on.) More casual extreme metal fans (wait, do those exist?) might be more drawn to this bad boy, but we already know you’re a sick freak if you’re reading this. Peep “Swansong” after you’ve given the other albums a listen. After all, it does have a pretty dedicated following, so you may disagree with us. Just be sure to include a smiley emoji when you’re calling us posers in the comments, because we take it personally.

Play again: “R**k the Vote”
Skip it: Polarized

6. Reek of Putrefaction (1988)

We have to give “Reek of Putrefaction” the props that it deserves. The genre of grindcore likely wouldn’t exist as we know it today if it weren’t for this and Napalm Death’s “Scum.” It’s just that this is a rough listen, and it’s difficult to get any enjoyment out of it beyond appreciating its contribution to the subgenre. The songs themselves are well-written, with some really gnarly riffs and groundbreaking subject matter. The rerecord of “Pyosisified (Rotten to the Gore)” on the “Tools of the Trade EP” (more to come on that) shows us what these songs are capable of given better production. Is that enough to push this past “Swansong?” In our minds, yes. Does that piss you off? Presumably, also yes.

Play it again: “Burnt to a Crisp”
Skip it: “Excreted Alive”

5. Torn Arteries (2021)

Choosing between the two post-reunion full-lengths is definitely a difficult task. We had trouble ranking this one relative to its predecessor, and had we written this on another day, it very well could have been #4. “Torn Arteries” is incredible, with excellent production and an almost stadium feel to it at times. Just listen to the beginning of the curiously titled “Dance of Ixtab (Psychopomp & Circumstance March No. 1 in B)” to get some nostalgic Judas Priest feels. Also, if you traveled back to the late eighties and told Bill Steer and Jeff Walker they’d one day be playing an acoustic guitar on an album, they would’ve acted out one of their songs on you. Which would you have preferred: “Carbonized Eyesockets” or “Vomited Anal Tract?” We’ll let you mull that over while we headbang to “Under the Scalpel Blade.”

Play it again: “The Scythe’s Remorseless Swing” (nice to hear a good metal song with “tick tick tock” in the lyrics. Suck it, Metallica)
Skip it: “The Devil Rides Out”

4. Surgical Steel (2013)

The first album post-reunion is also the best thing they’ve put out this century, in our not-so-humble opinion. Right off the bat, “Thrasher’s Abattoir” slaps us in the face with some poser-killing mayhem, and the album does not let up until it finishes. This is some prime-ass melodic death metal, folks, with fantastic Thin Lizzy-inspired melodies spread throughout. And those leads! Just listen to “Captive Bolt Pistol” if you don’t believe us. On the whole, we just feel this one is more consistent than its successor, but as we’ve established, you can’t really go wrong with any post-reunion Carcass release.

Play it again: “316L Grade Surgical Steel”
Skip it: Fuck…nothing? Honestly, we’re drawing a blank on this. Check back later.

3. Symphonies of Sickness (1989)

The band’s sophomore release took everything from its debut and improved upon it: better production, better songwriting, improved musicianship, and cleaner song lyrics (just kidding on that last one.) This is an absolute classic with something for everyone, be it crust punk, hardcore fan, or straight up death metalhead. We got so pumped by the driving fury of “Embryonic Necropsy and Devourment” that we performed some amateur appendectomies on one another (not recommended.) If you don’t like this album, you must be a fully-functioning human being whose mind isn’t completely in the gutter. That’s an insult in the metal world, in case you didn’t pick up on it.

Play it again: “Excoriating Abdominal Emanation”
Skip it: The first minute or so of “Reek of Putrefaction,” but only if you’re in a rush to get to the grind

2. Heartwork (1993)

This album saw a completely different approach from the four-piece, and apparently both Bill Steer and Michael Amott spent every waking moment from the last album working on their soloing, because goddamn did they improve. This is a masterpiece, and among the first melodic death metal albums ever made. Many fans would put this in the top position, but we just feel that the changed subject matter coupled with an absence of Steer’s guttural growl knocked this back just a bit. We’re probably just being assholes, though. There’s not a bad moment on this album, and you need to put it on instead of reading this. Go. Now.

Play it again: “Carnal Forge”
Skip it: The Sophie B. Hawkins-ass color scheme in the “No Love Lost” music video

Honorable Mention: Tools of the Trade (1992)

This is just an elite piece of death metal, and a perfect complement to the album you may have already guessed is in first place. The riffs on both “Pyosisified (Still Rotten to the Gore)” and “Hepatic Tissue Fermentation II” are enough to clear the morgue, so listen with care!

1. Necroticism – Descanting the Insalubrious (1991)

“Necroticism” saw the band at its most progressive while still keeping the grindy themes of the first two albums. Bill Steer and Jeff Walker trade fantastic low and high vocals back and forth over brilliantly written, catchy riffs, and Ken Owen holds back just a tiny bit on the skins to achieve a perfect balance overall. The opening riff of “Incarnated Solvent Abuse” alone is enough to give this album the gold medal. This is easily one of the best death metal albums ever written, and definitely one of the most complex when compared to its peers (Morbid Angel’s “Blessed Are the Sick” notwithstanding.) So try to hold back the bile (again, in death metal, that’s a good thing…haven’t you learned so much with us today?) and give this a spin!

Play it again: You’d better
Skip it: Church. Skip church and listen to this album instead.

Joe Bonamassa Rescues Rare Guitar from Owner Who Would Have Forced It to Make Good Music

Posted on by John Danek

NASHVILLE — Notorious guitar collector Joe Bonamassa is being praised for saving a mint 1965 Gibson ES-335 from a lifetime of quality songwriting in a youthful punk band, according to guitar forum posters.

“I went to one of my regular blues joints in order to strong-arm my way into ripping some guest solos with whatever band was playing when I noticed things were different- some punk band was on stage,” recounted a teary-eyed Bonamassa, who reportedly lets his guitars sleep in the bed with him. “Their guitarist had this flame maple top ES-335 with patent number humbuckers, and he was just bashing on the thing while the audience thrashed like crazy- probably out of frustration over how he was treating that poor guitar. I knew I had to step in and save it from this abusive owner.”

Lowell Majowski, guitarist of indie punk band Staff Only, is still baffled by the strange interaction he had with Bonamassa.

“This dude who was dressed like a cross between Guy Fieri and a hedge fund manager came up to me mid-song and offered $32,000 for the guitar in cash, straight up- I took it without hesitation,” explained Majowski, who was gifted the guitar by his late uncle. “Uncle Joe adored this guitar and loved saying how I would inherit it someday, but deep down I just want to play a Schecter. Those things are sick. Anyways, the Gibson didn’t chug very well and the f-holes kept yanking out my arm hairs. That dude might want to stick a vacuum in there or something.”

Experts in the vintage guitar industry emphasize the importance of good Samaritans like Bonamassa.

“Praise be to God that Joe was able to step in and save this innocent, magnificent being,” stated vintage guitar shop owner Paul Rockford of Paul’s Diamond Guitars. “Normally I’m a free market kind of guy, but the government needs to do something about this rampant abuse. No guitar should have to endure sweat, heavy power chords, or the excitement of a rowdy audience. They should be protected behind glass cases on walls or occasionally used for gentle, tasteful blues licks with sparse amounts of distortion.”

In related news, Bonamassa has been banned from Guitar Centers nationwide for bullying customers into not buying pedals.

Opinion: I’m Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal, and Internet Communist

Posted on by Ben Friedman

With this country basically divided into only two camps, I feel like I’m on crazy pills for having a more nuanced outlook on the issues. I know that political discourse is not as black and white as the media portrays, and many contrasting views can be true at once!

Which is why my views are a healthy balance of being financially conservative, socially liberal, and online communist.

Some call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. I try to be as open as possible when it comes to my political views, even if that means compromising my beliefs and even contradicting myself numerous times in a conversation. Not that I’m trying to, but it’s just that I’m trying to sort all this political bullshit out in real-time across multiple mediums.

I’m not asking for much, just for a government that cuts wasteful spending while ensuring the rights of women, minorities, and the queer community are protected while encouraging online discourse for the proletariat to rise up and overthrow the bourgeois.

That last part is where it gets tricky because that is the future I really want and I think we can all agree it makes sense on paper and Reddit. But then I get thinking about my taxes getting raised to cover shit like universal basic income and healthcare and I think a little bit of social security privatization is fine. Who’s gonna retire anyway?

And before anyone gets it twisted, just because I want funding social safety nets slashed for my own personal gain doesn’t mean I believe marginalized people and communities should be treated second-class citizens. I’m not a monster after all. You will always see me at the pride parade in June holding all the rainbow Bank of America pens!

I firmly believe the internet is for and by the people, because without us there’d be no content period. Plus telling women that I’m all for crushing capitalism is the only way they’ll talk to me. Look at it this way, since more women don’t want to have kids, why not cut education funding by 30%? It’s promoting bodily autonomy and prudent government spending.

Jesus Christ, I sound like an asshole. At least I’m not like those guys who also identified as spiritually libertarian. I’d be insufferable.

Heartwarming: Metalhead Proposes to Girlfriend During “I Cum Blood” Introduction at Cannibal Corpse Show

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.

“She said ‘hell yes!’” exclaimed Felton before shouting to the band to play “Post Mortal Ejaculation” to really “set the mood.” “I’ve been planning this proposal for a good hour and I was even able to bargain with the guy at the pawnshop for the ring, so the stars were clearly aligned tonight. Really wanted to use ‘I Cum Blood’ as our first dance song at our wedding too, but Jade is really hoping for it to be ‘Fucked with a Knife.’ I’m sure we can iron out the details later, but for now we celebrate love and this shirt I just bought from the merch table with two bloody corpses licking each others’ rotting skin in a dungeon while their intestines ooze out of their abdomens. What a day.”

Felton’s fiancé couldn’t be more excited to spend the rest of her life with him.

“He’s just such a romantic dude,” said Oliver before showing off her ring to the only other woman at the show. “He’s been known to tear his sleeve off and prop it over a puddle so my feet don’t get wet. He also lets me wear his battle vest when I get cold. Not to mention, he opens doors for me and then immediately shuts them for people behind. Before the show, he even gave me a dozen dead roses and the still-bleeding heart of a cow. And they say chivalry is dead.”

Experts were quick to note other similar instances during live events.

“Many a metalhead have been known to hit most of their life milestones at shows,” said music historian Graham Revorton. “Just last week, one couple somehow closed on their first home and signed all the paperwork during a Deicide set. Another held their entire wedding ceremony during a Cattle Decapitation show. The families were none too pleased. And there’s even been at least one instance of a metalhead giving birth in the middle of a Dying Fetus set. They left the placenta and everything. Metalheads have no shame.”

At press time, Felton and Oliver had to postpone the wedding after they couldn’t get Morbid Angel as their wedding band and were forced to look elsewhere.

Every Poison Idea Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Mike Maher

Portland’s Poison Idea is a scary band. Terrifying, actually. Not in a silly corpse paint, Hail Satan! way, but more like “Jesus, these guys are completely fucked out of their skulls” kind of scary. Known for their self-destructive lifestyle as much as their lightning-fast, balls-heavy, rock-infused punk, Poison Idea are the unsung antiheroes of American hardcore. Formed in 1980 by frontman and longest-standing original member Jerry A. Lang, the self-proclaimed “Kings of Punk” play a pant-shitting blend of Motorhead meets GBH meets the Germs meets their dealer in a Denny’s at 3 a.m. to score heroin with a side of flapjacks. Between numerous full-lengths, EPs, singles, reissues, best ofs, stylistic changes, substance abuse problems, lineups, break ups, reunions, deaths and so on, navigating Poison Idea’s consistently brilliant catalog can be tricky. Luckily, this list will be of zero help because every album is in a seven-way tie for better than whatever you’re currently listening to. So jump in, and feel the darkness.

7. Confuse and Conquer (2015)

On their 7th and final full length, Poison Idea mostly conquers and occasionally confuses. Part classic Poison Idea, part “Oh, that’s an interesting stylistic choice…,” this swansong is in the key of we’ll do whatever the fuck we want, thank you. Honestly, nobody expected anything from Poison Idea this late in the game; shit, nobody expected anything from them early in the game either. But Jerry A. & Co. tap into veins old and new here. “Beautiful Disaster” is pure machine gun riffage. “Hypnotic” sounds like a New York Dolls b-side. “Dead Cowboy” goes…spaghetti western? And it’s all good. If variety is the spice of life, “Confuse and Conquer” might overseason the meat at times, but still with just enough kick. And yes, we stand by that terrible analogy as much as we stand by this incredible last offering.

Play it again: “Tripwire”
Skip it: “Dead Cowboy”

6. We Must Burn (1993)

“We Must Burn” is Poison Idea at its core – heavy, catchy, caustic. But once again, they’re flexing muscles we haven’t heard before, proving degenerates can also be really damn good at their instruments, no matter who’s in the band at this point (honestly, we’ve lost track). You like solos in your punk? Heck yeah you do. They’re all over this album. And not the wanky kind. Well, maybe a touch of wank. How about singing? Jerry A. shows his vocal range here, which falls somewhere between bark and howl. Hey, he’s trying! Point is – and we have one, promise – moments of experimentation aside, this is still a savage album that you get drunk and fight to. And that’s not some analogy; that is an order.

Play it again: “Hung Like a Savior,” “When I Say Stop”
Skip it: “Jessie’s Arms,” “Religion & Politics, Pt. 1”

Honorable mention: Ian MacKaye (1989)

This release is infamous for two reasons: its artwork, and pissing off its namesake. Originally called “Get Loaded and Fuck,” retitling it “Ian MacKaye” was somehow even more offensive. But the music really steals the show. Pound for pound some of their best work during their best period, this EP is a little more leather than denim compared to past releases with thrashy, heavy metal riffage galore, all played at a punk rock pace. This is actually the “Filthkick” and “Getting the Fear” EPs in one combo platter, because having 97 versions of various releases apparently still wasn’t enough for Poison Idea.

5. Latest Will and Testament (2006)

This is a clinic in not fucking around. We should know. Fucking around is literally all we do at The Hard Times. While not as yapped about as their classics, this underrated ripper is mid-period Poison Idea at the top of their craft. Sadly, it’s also legendary Tom “Pig Champion” Roberts’s last stand on guitar before shuffling off to the great basement show in the sky. Poison Idea keeps things fast and dangerous here, occasionally shifting to heavier gears and harder rock grooves.“Kill the Messenger” and “Fake” are as bleak and brutal as Poison Idea gets, which if you’ve been paying attention, is very bleak and incredibly brutal. And “Novelty” sounds like Rollins-era Black Flag, but without the tiny shorts. Slip this album into conversations about slept-on punk classics and make up all the cool points you’ve lost amongst your elitist peers lately.

Play it again: Everything
Skip it: Nothing

Honorable mention: Pick Your King (1983)

Where it all started. Aw, baby Poison Idea. Depending on who you ask, Poison Idea’s debut EP is their finest hour; but we say it’s their finest 12:40. Taking big swings at police brutality, privilege, false idols and more, they hit the ground running faster than an escaped convict with blistering, hate-fueled hardcore not unlike SSD, MDC and Negative Approach. This ranking is already longer than the record, so you know what to do.

4. Blank Blackout Vacant (1992)

This album sounds exactly as advertised, catching Poison Idea in an especially foul mood. But instead of opting for all-out temper tantrum tempos, they slow things down a notch, go darker, more rock, more roll, but no less punk. “Punish Me” bludgeons you old school, Poison Idea-style. There are tough guy hardcore moments too (“Smack Attack”), without the typical tough guy tropes. They also salute the New York Dolls with a greasy, gassed up cover of “Vietnamese Baby.” Lyrically, we’ve got dinner party conversation starters like suicide, abuse, war. An oh, fair warning: there’s a goddamn saxophone on here (“Forever and Always”), but things don’t stay saxy for too long. “Blank Blackout Vacant” shows how limber this absolute unit of a band can be, which is quite limber considering Poison Idea collectively weighed over 1000 pounds at one point.

Play it again: “Crippled Angel”
Skip it: “Amy’s Theme”

3. War All the Time (1987)

The only thing keeping this from being number one on this list is the fact that it’s number three on this list. Named after Charles Bukowski’s book “War All the Time,” Jerry A. and the gang make ol’ Hank look like an altar boy with this platter of piss, blood, and riffs. Fast. Heavy. Grimey. Clocking in at just under 30 min, this is the people’s hardcore, showing the band at their most Motorheadest (they even cover the song “Motorhead”). And we dare you to find a more brutal opener than “The Temple.” That isn’t rhetorical. Go. Find one. We’ll wait. This is also their first album with one of the best punk drummers of all time on the kit, Steve “Thee Slayer Hippy” Hanford. File this record next to “Damaged,” “Tied Down,” and your set of kettlebells.

Play it again: “The Temple,” “Romantic Self Destruction,” the whole damn thing
Skip it: “Ritual Chicken”

2. Kings of Punk (1986)

Gotta love the modesty! Honestly, Poison Idea could have called this slab of stolen valor “Dickcheese Twinklefarts” and they’d still be the undisputed kings of punk. With two killer EPs already under their belt, this debut album is one of many jewels in the band’s broken crown. Punk purists will claim this as Poison Idea’s best. And they’re not not wrong. Fast. Raw. Nihilistic. Razor sharp songwriting. A true hardcore punk record back to front, with the occasional glimpse at the metallic chugga-chugga to come. In an era when hundreds of bands could claim the title “Kings of Cockrock,” this much needed blast of fuck you was not only one of the finest punk rock debut LPs of the time, it set the stage for one of the greatest punk albums period.

Play it again: “Made to be Broken,” “God Not God,” “Death Wish Kids”
Skip it: Nothing

1. Feel the Darkness (1990)

Poison Idea’s third full length is obviously their best for one reason: we say so. Heralded as a masterpiece by anyone with earholes, this album is still vastly underrated somehow. Thank Christ this ranking is about to change all that! Pig Champion puts in overtime at the riff factory, but it’s his melodic chops that really shine on anthems like “Taken by Surprise.” “Just to Get Away” shows Jerry A. elevating his point-blank lyricism to gritty, poetic storytelling. And thanks to a little-known local band from Texas called Pantera covering “The Badge” for an even lesser-known film “The Crow,” this introduced most people to Poison Idea without even realizing it was their song. That’s cool. Poison Idea probably didn’t realize it was their song either during this most debaucherous period in their career. Need another name drop? Kurt Cobain loved this album. And look where that got him!

Play it again: All of it
Skip it: None of it

Honorable mention: Mating Walruses (Live video) (1993)

We can’t imagine any band wanting to go on after Poison Idea. What else could anybody possibly bring to the stage that they didn’t already leave up there, if there’s even a stage left. Blood. Buttcheeks. Firebreathing. Riffs. Know what? F this list. If you want the full meal deal Poison Idea, skip everything we’ve just ranked and go directly to this beautiful mess of a live compilation.