NASHVILLE — Notorious guitar collector Joe Bonamassa is being praised for saving a mint 1965 Gibson ES-335 from a lifetime of quality songwriting in a youthful punk band, according to guitar forum posters.
“I went to one of my regular blues joints in order to strong-arm my way into ripping some guest solos with whatever band was playing when I noticed things were different- some punk band was on stage,” recounted a teary-eyed Bonamassa, who reportedly lets his guitars sleep in the bed with him. “Their guitarist had this flame maple top ES-335 with patent number humbuckers, and he was just bashing on the thing while the audience thrashed like crazy- probably out of frustration over how he was treating that poor guitar. I knew I had to step in and save it from this abusive owner.”
Lowell Majowski, guitarist of indie punk band Staff Only, is still baffled by the strange interaction he had with Bonamassa.
“This dude who was dressed like a cross between Guy Fieri and a hedge fund manager came up to me mid-song and offered $32,000 for the guitar in cash, straight up- I took it without hesitation,” explained Majowski, who was gifted the guitar by his late uncle. “Uncle Joe adored this guitar and loved saying how I would inherit it someday, but deep down I just want to play a Schecter. Those things are sick. Anyways, the Gibson didn’t chug very well and the f-holes kept yanking out my arm hairs. That dude might want to stick a vacuum in there or something.”
Experts in the vintage guitar industry emphasize the importance of good Samaritans like Bonamassa.
“Praise be to God that Joe was able to step in and save this innocent, magnificent being,” stated vintage guitar shop owner Paul Rockford of Paul’s Diamond Guitars. “Normally I’m a free market kind of guy, but the government needs to do something about this rampant abuse. No guitar should have to endure sweat, heavy power chords, or the excitement of a rowdy audience. They should be protected behind glass cases on walls or occasionally used for gentle, tasteful blues licks with sparse amounts of distortion.”
In related news, Bonamassa has been banned from Guitar Centers nationwide for bullying customers into not buying pedals.