Feel Old Yet? The Nazi-Saluting Kids in the “Jeremy” Music Video All Work in the Trump Administration Now!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Yeesh, time sure is moving fast for those of us who grew up in the nineties, isn’t it? From hearing our old favorite tunes playing in the grocery store to our childhood video games now being described as “retro”, the near-constant reminders of how old we’ve gotten can sure be exhausting. Well, it’s about to get even worse, because remember the iconic music video for Pearl Jam’s 1992 hit “Jeremy”? It turns out all of the Nazi-saluting children have grown up and are now working in the Trump administration!

Ugh! Feeling old, anyone?

Man, this is so crazy. Doesn’t it seem like yesterday that we were watching these spry youngsters performing the fascist hand gesture and bullying one of their classmates to the point of suicide on MTV? Now they’re apparently all full-grown adults who are basically doing the same thing while in the employ of our current President Donald Trump. Seriously, how does time go by so fast? 

Take, for example, the husky young man with the slightly disheveled hairstyle seated near the back of the classroom, who appears perhaps a little too eager to show off one of the most recognizable demonstrations of Germany’s darkest era. Look familiar to you? That’s right! He’s none other than current Vice President J.D. Vance! Man, he’s really stuck to his principles over these past few decades, hasn’t he? And who’s that studious young lady with the dutiful posture at the head of the last column of pupils? You guessed it! That’s Attorney General Pam Bondi! You can tell she’s had that strong work ethic and slavish, craven lack of principles her entire life!

Wow! While we have to hand it to these kids and congratulate them for their accomplishments, we can’t help but feel like it might be time to start touring some nursing homes for ourselves!

We guess all we can do at this point is throw up our hands and wonder where the time went. It’s going to be difficult rewatching the music video going forward with the newfound knowledge that the pre-pubescent Nazis on the screen are now fully-grown Nazis in charge of running the country, but we’re just going to accept the fact that we’re old and try our best to not let it bother us. After all, with the job they’re doing, it’s not like we’ll even have a country for much longer, which is nice since we can certainly do with one less sign of how rapidly we’re aging!

Report: Hearing ‘One Way or Another’ Still Best Indicator That You’re Involved in a PG-Rated Movie Chase Scene

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you are involved in a PG-rated movie chase scene, sources report.

“Our findings indicate that hearing those opening power chords is still the best way to surmise whether a movie chase is about to happen,” head researcher Amrita Bhattacharya noted. “This could be due to a building security guard catching some rad teens rollerblading where they’re not supposed to, or a scatterbrained middle school principal happening upon his coolest student while he’s skipping class. While preventative measures are still being researched, affected individuals can avoid being prominently displayed in these chases by appearing to be as cool as possible, as we all know that stodgy, out-of-touch adults are the most susceptible.”

Unwilling chase participant Gerard Bunnell reflected on the findings.

“I’ve been involved in quite a few PG-rated movie chase scenes, and this definitely makes sense,” said Bunnell. “Whether I’ve just put on my horn-rimmed glasses and sat down on a park bench to read a boring newspaper or am driving my 1985 Pontiac Bonneville to my nerdy finance job, when I start to hear ‘One Way or Another,’ I know I’m about to either have my newspaper fly out of my hands due to the rush of a teenager whizzing by with a bully he just pantsed hot on his trail, or have to stop my car suddenly while some helmeted kid on a skateboard ollies onto my car and does a sick kickflip off of it. I just wish there was a way to make myself cooler so I could avoid these situations entirely.”

Music and film expert Baoli Lee elaborated further on the report.

“These are exciting findings,” Lee provided. “The researchers have done monumental work in linking ‘One Way or Another’ to situations that thousands of people find themselves in every day. I’d like to piggyback on Dr. Bhattacharya’s advice by recommending that targeted individuals try strategies like carrying a skateboard everywhere they go or getting Lasik surgery, because cool people are statistically 63% less likely to have their briefcases opened and papers fly everywhere because they got caught up in one of these chases.”

At press time, Bhattacharya had also discovered that hearing “Bad to the Bone” is a leading indicator that you’re about to be confronted by a Harley-riding bad boy.

Tesla Programmed To Drive Exactly in Your Blind Spot

Posted on by Nick Brandt

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla Inc. is reportedly manufacturing their vehicles to drive intentionally in motorists’ field-of-view blind spots, confirmed frustrated sources.

“Listen, I know how it sounds, but Elon said there’s a good reason for it. Something about trolling other drivers, I think,” said Zach Cooper, project coordinator for the Tesla AI Team. “Every week Elon pulls us out of the office with some harebrained scheme plagiarized from 10-year-old Reddit comments and we have to drop everything. We’re working on the Chungus Protocol right now, want to know what it does? It just tailgates drivers for no reason. Soon we’ll be coding a Doge emblem in the HUD. As for the blind spot autopilot, we had to outsource our training data to those little fish who suck themselves onto the sides of sharks, remoras I think.”

Tesla drivers weigh in on the supposed parasitism at work in their autonomous drive.

“It’s all pretty impressive if you ask me,” said frequent driver and Tesla owner Theodore Van Roberts. “One button and the Tesla surfs towards the mighty highway shark, drafting off a larger vehicle’s slipstream with the smooth superior curves of a Tesla. I can feel Elon smile upon me as the Tesla gets right into the sweet spot of a highway brute’s car. It’s simply brains-over-brawn if you will. Driving is so pedestrian, and through superior technology we have evolved beyond it. Now when I’m behind the wheel I get to focus on my Reels.”

Other drivers don’t seem to share such an optimistic outlook.

“Autopilot is the cuck chair of the highway,” said proud F150 owner Garth Dean. “Letting someone else drive your truck, letting a machine? Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I don’t even shoulder check anymore because I know there’s a Tesla right where my mirrors can’t see. Drifting into my blind spot like the Viet Cong, goddamn Tesla. You know, I keep a cup full of ball bearings in my truck now, one of them Big Gulp’s full of steel marbles. Sometimes I toss a handful out the driver’s side window just for the hell of it. Let’s see the AI handle some unpredictable hazards the American way.”

At press time, Tesla also announced that it will be programming Cybertrucks to have their brights on right behind drivers at all hours of the day.

We Sat Down With Porn Enthusiast Mike Johnson To See What He and His Son Have Been Jacking off to Lately

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you’re reading this, we know you’re just as much of a fan of sucking, fucking, and stroking as we are, so we’ve got a special treat for you this week. We managed to nab an interview with our current Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who revealed some slutty personal details in a 2022 interview. 

Apparently, just fucking his hand on the daily isn’t enough for the nastiest little cumfreak in Louisiana’s fourth congressional district, and the depraved, elven cock-fanatic involves his own son in his daily Onanistic indulgences through the use of web monitoring app Covenant Eyes! We thought we were horny fucks, but this puts even us to shame! Here’s what the dirty spermshooter had to say in between repeated bouts of jerking his hard cock:

Hard Times: It’s great to meet you, Congressman Johnson! We won’t keep you long, because we know you and your son probably have a special evening planned.

Mike Johnson: Excuse me?

HT: So what have you been into lately?

MJ: Oh, uh, well, President Trump and I have worked to resist the Democrats’ plans to defund the Department of Homeland Security through—

HT: Oh yeah, and we bet you’re starting to pearl up at the thought of that, huh?

MJ: I’m sorry, I don’t follow.

HT: Oh come on, out with it, you greasy little pervert. We know you’re aching to tell us what filthy porn you and your hornball son have been emptying your nuts to. Is it hentai creampies? Edging JOI vids? Bizarre insertions? We’re so excited to hear that we’re about to blast ropes like Spiderman!

MJ: OK, I think I may have been misled with this interview.

HT: Oh, come on, out with it! Tell us what you and your kid have been pulling your puds to!

MJ: Good day to you.

HT: Congressman? 

There you have it. The man is so debased that he left us quivering in our interview chairs, begging for more, as he undoubtedly ran back to his office to fap himself silly. Honestly, we thought we had seen it all up to this point, but one meeting with Mike Johnson showed us the true depths of debauchery that a human can sink to. Stay tuned for our interview next week with humiliation kink aficionado Marco Rubio.

Metallica Fans Now Choosing Between Fuel, Fire, and That Which They Desire Due to Trump Economy

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

BARSTOW, Calif. — Metallica fans across the nation are feeling the pinch of the Trump economy and are having to choose between fuel, fire, and that which they desire, confirmed sources feeling the financial strain on their chain wallets.

“Hell, lately, I can only afford to seek or destroy. Not both,” said Chuck Furley as he ashed a Marlboro Red 100 on his filthy Pantera t-shirt. “When I used to get done working down at the Pork’n Palace, I’d come home to a meatloaf TV dinner and pop on ‘Ride The Lightning.’ I was living like a king before Trump. And now I have to choose between a quarter tank of gas, wood for my stove, or four hot dogs and a truck stop boner pill. Worse yet, I was only able to afford one-third of the ‘72 Seasons’ album digitally. Probably for the best actually.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is feeling the pinch as well. 

“Look, we get it. It’s tough out there for everyone, but if we don’t sell these $5,000 Snake Pit Sphere tickets I don’t think I’ll be able to upgrade the trashcans I used to record ‘St. Anger’ on,” said Ulrich. “At the end of the day, we rely on these schmucks to pony up their hard-earned dough to see us, I mean, what else are they gonna do? Go see a fake metal band like Ghost or buy breakfast?!”

Tom Skeen, local record store owner and self-proclaimed “rock economist,” explained the truth about what’s really impacting Metallica fans everywhere.

“Normally, the rock economy has been fairly stable for Metallica even though they cut their hair off over 30 years ago. However, we have seen a decline in interest for them due to Metallica’s lack of rock relevance over the last decade,” said Skeen. “Traditionally, markets indicated that you could afford to go see any metal band on titty bar bouncer wages. However, Metallica fans have specifically had to make really tough decisions like going to see Metallica live, pay rent, or finally getting that liver transplant done in Mexico that they’ve been putting off because the health insurance at their strip club only covers tetanus shots and Clorox Wipes.”

At press time, broke Metallica fans admitted that they were only able to afford “Garage, Inc.” on vinyl instead of “Master of Puppets.”

Hegseth Prays for Blessing From Boondock Saints

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm. 

“Alright, I’m gonna ask everyone to hold hands, but not in a gay way! Anyone holding hands in a weak, LGBTQ manner will be dismissed immediately,” began Hegseth to his staff, adding “You know what? Skip the hand holding, we’re not girls. As you all know, the bible is an incredibly important part of my warrior ethos. I would like you all to join me in reciting this important passage. ’And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.’ Leviticus, 13:12. May the Saints of Boondock be our guiding hand!” 

Officials present for the prayer meeting found the proceedings to be hollow and uninspiring. 

“Yeah, he pretty clearly thinks the Boondock Saints are actual saints,” confided a top Pentagon official who chose to remain anonymous. “Also we looked up Leviticus 13:12 and it’s nothing like that, it’s just like a mandate for treating leprosy. This is like when I first expressed hesitation over attacking Iran and he just recited The Litany of Fear from Dune, or, as Hegseth called it, Luke 20:16. That man is not well” 

The official reported similar incidents of Hegseth’s performative and wildly inaccurate quotings of scripture.

“His first meeting of the Chief’s he opened with ‘God Grant me the power to change what I can, and the serenity to kick ass.’ He then attributed the quote to his favorit book of the bible, The Book of Eli. We all know Pete doesn’t know shit about the bible, but is he even watching these movies?” 

At press time Hegseth was meeting with his top spiritual advisors, Troy Duffy and Harvey Weinstein. 

Has Technology Gone Too Far? AI Just Came for This Guy’s Job as Well as His Wife, Kids, and Assets

Posted on by Bobby Korec

First, it came for Aaron Blake’s software developer job. Then it confiscated his wife and children. And if that wasn’t enough, AI just came for Aaron’s four-bedroom house, Honda Civic, 401(k), and rare collection of Kirby Puckett baseball cards. Has technology gone too far? It might be too early to tell. Unless you’re Aaron. Then probably yes.

Sure, some are saying that AI’s ability to take your checking account, index funds, and Fabergé eggs is a small price to pay if it means ChatGPT is capable of writing the rest of us a grocery list in as little as seven highly curated prompts. Just because technology destroyed the life of one person doesn’t mean it will ruin it for the rest of us, right? Right?!

And to think, Aaron just got that promotion, witnessed the birth of his third child, and bought a jet ski. Too bad he won’t get to enjoy any of it anymore. That’s what artificial intelligence is for now. No, now all Aaron can do is wonder how much greed is too much for technology. You can run, but you can’t hide from Generative AI.

You thought it was bad when Google crammed Gemini down our throats? You thought Microsoft jamming Copilot into all of its software was a bit much? Well, tell that to Aaron, who currently lives on the street holding a photo of his wife as a reminder of what humanity once was before people started casually throwing around the phrase “machine learning.” At this point, we are at the mercy of NVIDIA. 

But what’s next for technology? Well, AI could be coming for the last 36 bucks Aaron currently has in his wallet. Then, after it still isn’t satisfied, it’ll come for the clothes on Aaron’s back as well as his Instagram followers, Social Security number, and all of his memories. The only thing he’ll be left with is his student loan debt. Not even AI wants anything to do with that shit.

Rattail Artfully Tucked Into Collar for Interview

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

PORTLAND, Ore. — Prospective job candidate Colin Hartnell artfully tucked his lustrous rattail beneath his shirt collar before his first interview at Fred Meyers, a major Pacific Northwest grocery chain’s corporate offices, effectively concealing what he considers to be a “key part of his look” in hopes of securing the position, confirmed sources.

“A job’s a serious thing that requires a serious hairstyle. You want to look presentable whenever you’re going out for one,” said Hartnell. “But a core element of presentation is the hiding of unsightly elements of your person that, say, the more ‘buttoned up’ corporate types might frown upon. That’s why my r-tail goes inside the collar whenever I get an interview. It’s been with me for the past nine years, despite it being kryptonite for steady employment.”

Hiring manager Jackie Lewis noted that the company doesn’t explicitly ban rattails, but they are frowned upon.

“I could see that rattail the moment he walked in,” said Lewis. “I think he thought he was being subtle, sneaking it into his collar like that, but that thing’s thick. It looked like he was smuggling a Pringles tube on the back of his neck. The button on his collar looked like it was about to shoot off like a champagne cork. The interview went alright, but I’m not confident he’ll move ahead.”

The rattail’s long been a symbol of punk and alt communities, a sort of scummy sibling to the more dressy ponytail. 

“A rattail’s tricky to pull off,” said Portland-based stylist Percy DeAngelo. “It suggests the person who has it is behind on paying child support and ready to fight you about it. If you don’t mind those connotations, then great, grow that little vermin lock to your heart’s content. But if you’re, say, looking to receive a paycheck for services rendered, it’s best to either get rid of it entirely or hide the thing.”

At press time, Hartnell was seen fanning the rattail around his neck to reduce the collar strain, giving him an arguably worse look that’s unlikely to help him through a second interview.

Mom Gently Explains to Son Tooth Fairy Is Just Metaphor for How State Extracts Value From Your Body

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local mother Erin Walsh sat her young son down for a quiet, heartfelt conversation about growing up and gently explained that the Tooth Fairy is not real, but rather a metaphor for how the state extracts value from the human body, sources confirmed.

“The Tooth Fairy isn’t actually a magical being who gives you money for your teeth,” Walsh said calmly, kneeling beside her son’s bed. “It’s a story we tell children to help them understand how large institutions extract value from a person’s body, assign it a monetary value, and return only a small portion of that value to give the appearance of fairness so people continue participating in a fundamentally exploitative system. If only eight-year-olds understood this.”

Walsh’s son said the explanation helped him better understand some of their other family traditions.

“Now I realize Santa Claus is just an example of the normalization of state-sponsored surveillance and coercive behavioral compliance practices used to enforce obedience at scale while completely ignoring personal privacy and freedom,” Caleb Walsh said. “And Easter egg hunts are merely small-scale exercises designed to show how generationally advantaged individuals are able to identify and claim valuable resources, ignore borders and land ownership rights, and hoard as much wealth as possible at the expense of others, under the guise of competition, exceptionalism, or some preordained moral authority.”

Political scientist Dr. Aaron Feld noted that these myths and traditions have long functioned as early demonstrations of real-world power structures.

“Childhood myths like the Tooth Fairy have always been simplified frameworks for understanding how exploitative, inequitable, and detrimental our geopolitical, socio-economic structures are,” Dr. Feld explained. “This allows children to recognize these dynamics and reject them outright rather than internalize and unwittingly participate in them, or worse, actively promote these practices and become the oppressor. But I honestly can’t imagine anyone would ever do that. You would have to be some kind of soulless monster with zero empathy or no conscience to believe or willingly engage in that kind of society.”

At press time, Erin Walsh was reportedly assuring her son that while these systems are deeply ingrained in our culture, he would one day have the opportunity to meaningfully challenge them even though she never has.

Opinion: I’d Make a Far Better CEO of McDonalds Because I Can Choke Down Four of Those Burgers Even When I’m Crying and Listening to Enya While Stuck in Traffic in My 94 Honda Civic

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

When did CEO’s get so soft? I grew up being led to believe that to get to the top of the corporate hill, you had to demonstrate leadership, grit, and determination, no matter what kind of pressure and scrutiny you were under. So, imagine my disgust when I saw current McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski take a bite of the new Big Arch as if he was afraid of it suddenly springing to life and stealing his soul.  

That bite was pathetic and unbecoming of the figurehead of the largest food retailer the world has ever known. What that company needs is a real consumer. What they need is someone like me. A man who can unhinge their jaw like an anaconda and stuff those chemical waste burgers down their throat in a way that’s functionally identical to force feeding a foie gras goose and do it all while stuck in bumper-to-bumper gridlock with tears streaming down their face as Enya’s ethereal tones transport them to a world less riddled with pain.

How can someone making untold millions per year not even be an enthusiastic face of their brand? Isn’t it a far better investment to have a CEO who can ravenously hork down their slop under any condition? And I mean any condition? I can eat those miniaturized, portable radioactive landfills in airports, at funerals, churches, weddings, quincerañeras I wasn’t invited to, court dates, or even the most chaotic gender reveal party. But don’t take my word for it, McDonald’s. Feel free to reach out to any of my friends or colleagues for references. None of whom will dare to carpool with me because, as previously touched upon, I regularly grief eat anywhere between four or nine Big Macs during my rush hour commute home, all as I play “May It Be” on repeat causing me to once again relive Boromir’s death as I sit in my ’94 Honda Civic while eating and sobbing like a little fat girl.

My schedule is wide open, McDonald’s. The ball is in your court. Because if all that I’ve said doesn’t assure you of my bona fides, I’m not sure what will.