Who Said It? Donald Trump or Rita Repulsa

Posted on by Dan Rice

Was there ever a better time to be a kid than the ‘90s? We had the best toys, the best TV shows, and of course, the best villains! If you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of Discmans and Saturday morning cartoons, good news — the ‘90s are so back! Young people are wearing Nirvana t-shirts, people are buying VHS tapes again, and the world is facing an existential threat from a sinister and powerful evil! Did someone say “Morphin time”? 

Apparently, America was so nostalgic for ‘90s TV baddies that they elected a president so vile he’s nearly indistinguishable from Power Rangers’ sinister arch nemesis Rita Repulsa! So, how confident are you that you can differentiate her cartoonish, over-the-top evil from the current leader of the free world? Let’s find out! 

“Zip it, you gold monkey!”

An easy one, clearly Rita talking to her chief henchman Goldar. 

“Quiet piggy!”

Another easy one, clearly Trump talking to any woman. 

“At long last, those teenagers will be mine!” 

You might think Rita said this in reference to those color-coded “teenagers with attitude” thwarting her plans at every turn. Unfortunately, you would be wrong! This quote is attributed to DONALD TRUMP, grinning like a madman, his fingers steepled as he came to the realization that it was legal for him to hold his own teen beauty pageant. 

“My monster will make mincemeat out of those pesky do-gooders!”

Sounds like something a moon-based super villain would say, right? Wrong! This quote is from Donald Trump, referring to his decision to let Elon Musk’s DODGE cut the funding from several life-saving initiatives. 

“Zordon won’t stop us this time! My puddies will reduce this city to rubble!”

You’re thinking this is an easy one, right? You’re probably thinking, “This HAS TO be Rita Repulsa, why would Donald Trump be talking about Zordon? Plus, puddies, that’s a dead giveaway, right?”

Well, you’re wrong on both counts! “Zordon” was Trump’s attempt to say Zohran Mamdani’s name, and “puddies” is, of course, his nickname he uses for his children when he can’t remember their real names, which is often! 

“Magic wand, make my monster grow!” 

It’s a tie! Rita would, of course, say this before casting her wand to Earth and turning her monster-of-the-week into a giant, forcing the rangers to summon their zords for another epic kaiju battle! 

According to the Epstein files, Donald Trump also said this on a private yacht to a 15-year-old masseuse. The file in question was heavily redacted, so we can’t be 100% clear on the context, but we do know that whatever he was trying to make grow did not grow, and he became angry and abusive to the staff. 

Throwing a temper tantrum and taking it out on your underlings when your evil plans fail? Are we SURE this guy isn’t Rita?! 

“Zedd baby, you may be ugly, but you sure know how to show a ghoul a bad time!”

Another tie! Not only do Trump and Rita talk alike, but they have the same taste in men as well! They even seduced Lord Zedd the same way, by drugging him with a magic potion crafted by Finster and Steve Bannon, respectively. See, you can barely tell these two apart! 

“A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again!” 

It might be easy to imagine Rita exclaiming this from her moon base before turning a monster into a city-destroying giant, but no, this one is all Trump! The difference is the last line, “never to be brought back again!” That extra mustard on the ghoulishness of it all, that bonus little celebratory umph on the declaration of war crimes and genocide, is what sets Trump apart from Rita Repulsa. He’s not content to just let his hideous appearance, his cadre of villainous monsters, and his crimes against the earth do the talking — he NEEDS you to know he is the bad guy, while Rita Repulsa chooses to be a bit more reserved and understated. 

Adulting Win! I’ve Successfully Hidden the Body

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, that was exhausting. But also, fulfilling… in a way that I probably shouldn’t explicate on in case any legal officials are paying attention. But for the rest of you rough-and-tumble millennials just trying to make it through the day-to-day, you’ll be happy to know that you can successfully hide a human corpse without sacrificing your video game time. That’s right, it’s Paper Mario time.

Shit, I’m gonna be such a great dad.

Sometimes I question whether or not I’m really an adult. I mean, at my age, my father was already on his third divorce, and me, I’ve got all these fucking cats. But now, like my father, I can successfully disappear a second wife with no pokey cops sniffing around my “near-studio” apartment. I share the kitchen with nine other 34-year-olds who are all working on the same screenplay.

Time and dismembered limb management are the types of things they should have taught us in school. Fuck calculus, I need to know which kind of saw is best for dismembering a human femur. 

It counts as extra adulting because it was a fat guy.

While all you high-and-mighty boomers are out there bragging about your McMansions, guess what I just inconspicuously buried under your heated garage. Good luck with the K-9 unit, you out-of-touch bozos.

Looks like those old mafia guys at the deli were wrong. Home Depot is a good place to buy your disposal shovels,  although in hindsight, I wish I had also bought gloves.

Also, to be clear, I didn’t kill anyone; I just hid the corpse. What happened was, I was supposed to have been paid by a stingy bitch named… oh, let’s just call him Tronald Dump, to make a problem with a certain AP reporter go away. Well, it’s away,  but that flatulent shister still owes me $90 and a participation trophy. My generation really does go rock hard for participation trophies.

12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds ‘Warmer’ On Vinyl

Posted on by Sam LiButti

ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al” Yankovic’s music sounds “warmer” on vinyl, sources confirmed.

“There is no denying it, the only way to truly get the full Weird Al experience is to spin ‘Amish Paradise’ on a turntable. My friends say I’m nuts, but I think I just have a more refined taste for parody songs than my peers. I have always been inclined towards the finer things in life, like songs about Spam,” said Johanson as he cracked open a barrel-aged vintage Yoo-hoo chocolate drink. “There is a far greater dynamic range on the squelching noises in ‘Girls Just Want To Have Lunch’ that you simply cannot achieve through digital means.”

Johanson’s friends and family voiced their frustrations about the boy constantly bringing up his Weird Al vinyl collection and forcing them to listen to the musician’s various polka medleys. 

“It is literally a guy playing accordion and singing about food; I really don’t see how you need to optimize the listening experience for that,” said Johanson’s lifelong best friend Harry Norman. “We have all been trying to get him to dial it down. I don’t know how much more I can take. Do you know how many times I have had to listen to ‘My Bologna’? I have full-blown PTSD flashbacks every time I go down the deli aisle now.”

Weird Al historian Dr. Michael Giacomo claims that listening to the parody artist exclusively on vinyl is actually a common practice dating back decades. 

“Children possess superior hearing, which makes them prime candidates to absorb the lush sounds of ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ when played on vinyl through a top of the line sound system,” said Dr. Giacomo. “However, not every child will be able to parse the complex layered sounds; it takes a child with a very high IQ and a natural inclination towards the fine arts to recognize the intricacies of Alfred Yankovic’s work.”

At press time, Johanson’s friends and family were relieved that he had agreed to start using headphones instead of facing the speaker out his window and blasting it at full volume for the entire neighborhood to hear.

‘Out of Order’ Sign on Urinal No Match for Free-Thinking Libertarian

Posted on by Nick Brandt

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — An “out of order” sign in a public restroom didn’t stand a chance against local libertarian Royce LeFarge, confirmed sources who were scared to follow suit.

“I am unshackled from the chains of serfdom and lavatory signage,” said LeFarge, chapter house president for the Sacramento Free People’s Alliance. “We, the Free People of California grow weary, and the urinal’s ‘out of order’ sign is the latest slight in a long series of social humiliations brought about by a corrupt bureaucracy. The sign itself is just an object, one that has no bearing on my reality. It cannot restrict my individualist volition. I saw it, read it, and comprehended its worth, but ultimately the urinary free-market decided. Sure, I got a little splashback and there was no soap in the dispenser, but such is the reward of a true hero.”

Public bathroom enjoyer Randy Alderman provided a first-hand account of this stunning display of rugged individualism.

“It felt like something out of an 800-page Ayn Rand novel,” Alderman said. “So there I was, doing whippets and fighting with the man in the shatter-proof mirror when this Royce character comes in. You see, this is the only public bathroom in the vicinity that isn’t locked after 5:00 PM, so we gotta make-do. And boy do we. He took one look at the sign and shook his head, dropped his pants all the way to the ankles, and well the rest is history. You know, we’re all indebted to act in accordance to a social contract, but when the contract itself is voided it’s really up to the common man to make a difference. I believe Royce is that difference.”

Dr. Julia Franz, Professor of Objectivism and Randian historian at California State University, weighed in on this development.

“Rationality is the most essential determinant of moral self-worth,” said Dr. Franz. “What Mr. Royce has achieved here is more than just a public performance, his actions embody the very struggles that all true Randian heroes feel in the face of an amoral established order. This phallocentric self-interest is the basis of his moral rationality. It’s all astonishingly noble, and people will be talking about this for a long time. Should he leave politics behind, I believe Mr. Royce has a promising future in architecture.”

At press time, LeFarge was seen putting his hands all over a nearby wall because it had a “wet paint” sign meant to deter onlookers from touching.

Man Clearly Going Through Something Buys Really Big Fantasy Book

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

LOS ANGELES  — Local 33-year-old Dylan Arnold, who is either in the middle of a breakup or just lost his job, was recently seen in a Barnes & Noble purchasing a really, really big fantasy book, confirmed sources who tried not to stare but just couldn’t help it.

“I guess there are supposed to be like 22 of these or something,” said Arnold while holding book one of a fantasy series no one’s even heard of. “It isn’t even finished yet. I guess the author died so some other fantasy writers are going to finish it for him. Lucky guy. Either way, I just need something, anything to fill my time. This 1,800-page novel will do. The book was so heavy that I needed help from an associate to carry it to my car. It was nice to experience some human interaction before I don’t talk to anyone for the next month.”

The massive tome of a book caught the eye of fellow shopper Greg Cobb, who couldn’t believe the size of this fucking thing. 

“That disheveled man, who clearly was just told that he has a terminal illness or someone stole his identity, was meandering about with the biggest book I’ve seen in all my years,” said Cobb. “I have no clue how anyone could finish a book that large, but he clearly does not bother with showering or clean clothes, so I suppose he now has a lot of free time on his hands.” 

Jonathan Shouta of Harper Collins Publishing noted that men who are clearly going through something make up a significant portion of readership in the fantasy genre.

“Our books provide a wonderful escape for someone who was likely saving up for an engagement ring before their partner told them they were moving to Denver,” said Shouta. “The worlds our authors create allow for our readers to divide into lands unknown. Places where they haven’t just been let go from a position that was supposed to be temporary and ended up being eight, miserable, under-paid years. We are also very popular in prisons.” 

At press time, Arnold was seen utilizing the bookstore’s buy-one-get-one free cookie promotion on his receipt for his first meal of the day at 8:30 p.m.  

The Next “Angel Is the Centerfold”? I Think My Old High School Crush Is in This Footjob Cumpilation

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Few bands had a hit in the eighties that resonated with so broad an audience as J. Geils Band did with their catchy 1981 tune “Centerfold”. Its toe-tapping melody and earworm chorus appealed to followers of the then-burgeoning nu-wave movement while retaining just enough of the watered-down, 1970s blues-rock the band was rooted in to keep the Baby Boomers nodding their heads. Well, I may have found the inspiration for the next iteration of this classic, because I think I just noticed my high school crush in this footjob cumpilation!

Seriously, I just opened up XHamster for my evening wank and stumbled across a video containing who I believe to be Kaitlin Steinfeller, who I was obsessed with throughout all of 10th grade. She sat right in front of me in both homeroom and Algebra II and probably didn’t even know I existed, because she was a super popular cheerleader and I wasn’t interested in much besides, well, jacking off. I suppose not much has changed. Anyway, I’m thinking I should write a popular song about this.

Is that really her around the seven-minute mark? Right after the lady in the pigtails, but just before the collection of stocking-clad actresses that closes out the video. The only thing throwing me off is that her feet are manipulating a man who appears to be uncircumcised, and I’m pretty sure Kaitlin is still a hostess at the Olive Garden in Lansing. I don’t think she moved to Europe. Oh well, maybe this guy is a German expat, or his parents are religious freaks or something. It doesn’t matter, because I’m like 80% certain that’s her. 

Is this how artistic inspiration works? I feel just like J. Geils. All I need is some musical talent and a video with dancing babes in a classroom, and I’ll be set for life. I think I still have an old electric guitar that I never bothered to unpack when I moved into this place three years ago. I could be a star! This is my ticket to fame, fortune, and as much sex as I can handle! All I need to do is grab that guitar and—

Never mind, I just came. I’m suddenly not the slightest bit interested in any of this. Time to clear my history, close my laptop, and boot my Xbox back up. What were we talking about again?

Marky Ramone Announces Ramones Reunion Show With Hologram Joey Ramone, Hologram Johnny Ramone, Hologram Dee Dee Ramone

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, N.Y. — Ramones drummer Marky Ramone announced an upcoming reunion show that will feature hologram versions of Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, and Dee Dee Ramone, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to maybe check it out.

“It’s been 30 years since the Ramones disbanded and now we’re back. This time in 3D,” said Marky Ramone while repeatedly flickering the switch for hologram Dee Dee Ramone on and off. “It was about time the founding members put their differences aside from beyond the grave and reunited iridescently. Unfortunately, we only have the hologram technology for one show. Then hologram Joey is going to embark on a 50-city solo tour. Kind of a dick move. But to be honest, hologram Joey Ramone and hologram Johnny Ramone can’t be in the same room together for too long before bickering, which then makes their three-dimensional light waves neutralize each other. It’s like nothing’s changed.”

Fans of the bands couldn’t be more excited for the reunion.

“I’m so pumped to see hologram Joey Ramone stand motionless and stare at the floor during the entire set, just like back in the day,” said longtime fan Kenneth Yousef. “I heard there will also be a meet and greet with the holograms after the show too. I have so many questions to ask hologram Johnny. Like, what is his favorite song to play live? And what is it like to be digitally recreated like puppets and exploited for profit for powerful concert ticket distributors like Ticketmaster? Man, this show is going to rule.”

Music historian Grace Reynolds believed these kinds of concerts could be gaining steam.

“When multiple members of your band have deceased, it can be hard for the surviving members to cash in on that sweet reunion money,” said Reynolds. “Thankfully, hologram technology has made it possible for aging musicians to join in on the nostalgia bucks. And at some point, hologram technology will become so powerful that it will be coming for the currently living musicians’ jobs too. Let’s face it. No one wants to see a 70-year-old dude up there playing songs they wrote as a teenager. We’d prefer to see them in laser form. They might as well be dead.”

At press time, hologram Dee Dee Ramone was replaced by real-life C.J. Ramone after Marky Ramone remembered he was still alive.

Dirty Dishes Stalemate Reaches Plastic Fork Stage 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

LOS ANGELES — A three bed, one bath apartment located in the Highland Park neighborhood reached a critical inflection point between roommates as a dirty dishes stalemate officially reached the plastic fork stage, confirmed sources who refused to budge.

“There’s no way I’m doing them. Not again. I just did them last month,” said 24-year-old Blake Soderstrom, while grabbing a plastic fork to finish his $27 Erewhon parfait. “I’m basically never here and eat most of my meals over the bathtub. Sure, I’ve got maybe a cup or two in the sink. Maybe three, at most. Not to mention a small handful of plates. And maybe a dozen forks and spoons. But that’s it. Anyway, who’s counting?”

Sources close to the scene say at least four pots have been “left to soak” and almost every mug, cup, and wine glass has been stacked in such a way that one additional item would cause a crash not seen since Northridge, 1992. 

“It’s Jared’s turn,” claimed 23-year-old Amber Witherspoon. “I always end up caving and spending three and a half hours doing the dishes, but not this time. I have too much going on right now. We have the chore wheel for a reason. I don’t care if I have to eat my Chobani yogurt with a spork from Tender Greens while hovering over the garbage can, which someone should also do something about. Not me though. I can barely smell the rotting food that’s been in there since Thanksgiving.” 

Sean Phillips, Secretary of the Los Angeles Housing Development, noted that a mountain of dirty dishes is a common incident across Los Angeles, reaching as far as San Bernardino. 

“These types of stalemates can weigh heavily on our underpaid and overworked Angelinos,” said Phillips. “The fact that 83% of LA apartments do not come with dishwashers only make these situations more common. Plus, people tend to overcook their Trader Joe’s frozen items — leaving significant pan and dish residue.”

At press time, third roommate Jared Grant was seen on the couch watching “The Bold And The Beautiful” eating Quaker Oatmeal out of a Christmas mug using chopsticks from Happy Plus Chinese and didn’t even notice the dishes in the sink. 

Score! Someone Left Their Half-Empty Miller Lite Pounder on Top of This Venue Urinal

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh, hell yes! I was having a fucking great time at this Staind concert until that worthless cuck of a bartender cut me off. Said I was bothering the other attendees and creeping out his coworker, as if he didn’t see the “fuck me” eyes she was throwing out while serving me during the opening band’s set. Seriously, how am I supposed to interpret “You want another White Claw?” She clearly wanted me. Anyway, no harm, no foul, because someone left their half-empty Miller Lite pounder on top of the urinal.

Christ, I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am today. Not only is this rare pearl sitting out there for the taking, but all these clueless simps are just pissing nearby without paying it the slightest bit of attention. Well, I’ll just reach over and grab it for myself, then, and leave these dumbshits with their dicks literally in their hands. Fortune favors the bold, my friends. 

Goddamn, am I rolling sixes today, because I just sniffed tentatively around the lip of the can, and I think it’s genuinely filled with beer that some idiot decided he didn’t want. He didn’t even use it as a Skoal spitter like I normally do with my discarded booze vessels. Wait, let me just take a quick sip to make sure. 

Yep, it’s beer. Warm and flat, but beer nonetheless. Honestly, this is better than the day my son was born. Mainly because I was at a nearby bar losing thirty bucks on my DraftKings app when it happened, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Wait, did that guy in the Three Days Grace shirt just give me a disgusted look while walking towards the sink? The fuck is his problem? Eh, whatever. I’m in too good of a mood to throw down with some rando who’s likely just jealous. Also, it would suck to get kicked out before I get a chance to knock some motherfuckers out in the pit during “Mudshovel”. He’s probably an AOC fan or some bullshit.

Oh yeah, he’s washing his hands after peeing. Definitely an AOC fan. God, what a pussy. 

But I digress. What started out as a dejected trip to empty my bladder ended with me triumphantly raising my newfound chalice to the gods. To the victor go the spoils! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the bar to see if I can swipe that asshole’s tips before anyone notices.

Dave Mustaine Reveals He Only Gave His Life to Jesus Christ After Every Other Deity Rejected Him

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA MESA, Calif. — Megadeth frontman and born again Christian Dave Mustaine revealed that he gave his life over to Jesus Christ only after having been turned down by every other deity, unsurprised sources reveal.

“I was going down a dark path after having practiced black magic as a teenager,” said Mustaine. “Then I got really heavily into drugs after I started Megadeth, and it was only through the infinite mercy and understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I was able to climb out of that dark hole. Of course, this was after literally every other deity ever conjured by the human race rejected my pleas for salvation, and I really don’t understand why. I was sure to point out how much better I am at guitar than Kirk Hammett in all of my prayers to these other gods. Maybe you have to speak differently to the creators in non-Christian religions, and I just wasn’t getting the message across.”

Utu, the ancient Mesopotamian sun god, reflected on Mustaine’s failed plea to get in His good graces.

“Ugh, that guy was the fucking worst,” Utu mentioned. “I get that he’s really good at guitar, and admittedly, those first four Megadeth albums are absolutely incredible, but have you ever had to have a conversation with him? He’s like everybody’s Fox News-brainwashed uncle rolled into one person. I’ve got a busy life, man. I’m serving as the divine judge of all of Mesopotamia. I can’t be spending my time listening to his repeated prayers for Megadeth to be admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and for James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich to beg for him to rejoin Metallica. Let Jesus put up with that obnoxious bullshit.”

Theologian Russel Wainwright provided his expertise on the matter.

“This is a perfect example of why most born-again Christians are so insufferable,” Wainwright said. “Few nonbelievers know this, but one of the steps on the path to Christ is first going to every other religion’s god to see if they’ll take you in. That’s why the vast majority of Christ’s followers are awful and annoying. They’re only following Him because no other divine beings would give them the time of day. Why else do you think most Republicans are Christian?”

At press time, Jesus Christ was considering kicking Mustaine out of Christianity because he was so irritating.