Punk Oura Ring Notifies Wearer That They Haven’t Had Cigarette in Over an Hour

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

PORTLAND, Ore. — Makers of the Oura Ring, the health metric wearable, announced an option for punks which notifies wearers that they haven’t had a cigarette in over an hour, confirmed sources. 

“This year is all about growth. It’s all about maximizing our user base, and understanding the client. The customer is always right, right?” explained Jimmy Mitz, Oura VP of Operations. “We’ve already got in our clutches the data of probably everyone who would cough up $400 to track their sleep by the minute so we need to think about how we could best serve a different demographic of potential customers. We discovered that by monitoring the blood oxygen level of users, we’re able to tell when the user is experiencing a nicotine low. So we can send a notification to the person that it’d be best for their state of homoeostasis to light up as soon as possible.” 

Local punk Steve Christian is reportedly pleased with the new Oura developments. 

“I mean honestly it’s about time all these health companies got on board with cigarettes again. Like, tobacco literally comes from the ground. It’s plant-based. So is vodka. And weed. And mushrooms. Like I’m literally vegan,” Christian said as he crunched up a handful of fallen leaves and stuffed them into his mouth.  “It’s also great that it tracks my sleep no matter whose couch I drunkenly pass out on. I really hope it still works when I pierce my septum with it.”

However, Christian’s ring didn’t win over everyone, including Jon Kansas, one of his nine roommates. 

“I mean it’s honestly sad. Like, why do you need a piece of metal on your finger and an app to remind you that you need to do your daily habits like move your legs, light a cigarette, drink publicly, or grift the WiFi from the non profit next door?” said Kansas. “I’m personally super against technology and think we really need to move back from digital to analog. Which is why I’ve taped all of the cigarettes I need in a day to the clock hanging next to my bed.”

At press time, Oura announced a collaboration with Juul so the two devices can work together simultaneously to ensure each punk reaches their daily nicotine needs. 

We Got an Interview With Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein Because We Pretended To Be Men’s Health

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh hell yeah. We can’t believe we landed an interview with legendary Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, and we only had to tell one lie in order to do it. He apparently was only interested in talking about fitness and nutrition, so when we said we were the popular wellness magazine Men’s Health, he eagerly accepted. We figured we could just work around that little fib and get him to talk to us about punk music. Unfortunately, that’s not how things panned out:

The Hard Times: Hi Doyle, it’s great to meet you!

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein: Likewise. Happy to be here.

HT: So how’ve you been?

DWF: I just finished leg day. Front squats, hack squats, seated leg curls and leg extension. I’m exhausted, but I’m sure you know how it is.

HT: Uh…yeah. We definitely know what you just said.

DWF: I was actually hoping to get some advice from you guys on nutrition. I’ve obviously been scaling my carb intake with training volume, and lately I’ve been feeling kind of flat while at the gym, so I’m starting to suspect I’m undercarbed. I’ve been thinking about adding 30-60 grams pre-workout to my diet and maybe a more easily digestible version intra-workout. Do you have any recommendations?

HT: Hmm…carbs?

DWF: Yeah, that’s what I said.

HT: Oh, we just ate some Takis. Does that count?

DWF: Takis? I haven’t heard of that. Is it a gel?

HT: No…it, uh, comes in a solid.

DWF: Great! I’ll have to look into those. Hopefully they’ll be able to help, especially since I’ve started doing interval training. I’ve been closing out lifting sessions with shuttle sprints to boost natural HGH and aid in muscle recovery, and I need a little boost.

HT: Yeah, we know how that is. Hey, do you want to maybe talk about your time in the Misfits and how that relates to…exercise?

DWF: Oh, sorry, I gotta run! I need to go home and eat to make sure I stay in my caloric surplus. It was great talking to you guys!

And that’s it. Sorry, we didn’t get a chance to talk about music, but we suppose it was still cool that we got to sit down with him. Now we’re going to go brush up on S&M before our interview with Fat Mike, because he thinks we’re from Kink.

Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana

Posted on by Tim Graham

VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover his entire body, according to stunned concertgoers.

“If I’m known for anything, it’s my enormous bandanas,” said Muir while sipping a Pepsi through a slit in his full-body garment. “See, where I come from, the size of a man’s bandana is a status symbol. For a long time I would only increase it a little bit at a time. But as soon as it got so big that I had to cut eye holes, I said, ‘Fuck it’ and went all in. Sometimes at lowrider meetups we’ll break out the tape measure and have bandana contests. But now there’s no dispute who’s got the biggest bandana in all of L.A.—and possibly the world.”

Mateo García, Muir’s longtime tailor, says that he’s proud to have helped the singer achieve his dream.

“Mike came to me in the early ‘90s and asked me if I could make him some bespoke, extra-large bandanas since commercially available bandanas just weren’t big enough. Year after year, he would come back asking for me to let them out more and more,” explained García. “Finally, we arrived at what is the logical conclusion of his quest for the largest possible bandana: the full-body bandana. I took some inspiration from the middle eastern thobe as well as the classic ghost costume consisting of a sheet with eyeholes.”

The E Street Band’s Steven Van Zandt, who had been in a decades-long bandana-size competition with Muir, admits defeat.

“That crazy bastard did it,” mused Van Zandt. “Muir is a generational talent in the field of bandana. We got together recently and discussed the history of bandanas and what they mean for our people. He told me that in Latino culture, the bandana has roots in the resistance movements of revolutionary figures like Zapata. And I explained that bandanas worn by caucasians such as myself and Bret Michaels are more cosmetic and are used to hide our receding hairlines and/or bad hair plugs. This is off the record, right?”

At press time, Muir revealed a striking look which included a wedding dress-inspired  eight-foot bandana train and a handler to keep it from dragging on the ground.

In Response to Trump’s Tasteless Meme, We Put His Face on the Body of a Known Rapist and Pedophile

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s a sad state of affairs that we’ve all just gotten used to childish, wildly inappropriate behavior from our own president. He shares AI slop, calls reporters pigs, says a million things a day that undermine the dignity of the office, and to a point that we’ve actually become bored with it. But just when you think he can sink no lower, the president finds new depths of unpleasantness to debase the American people. 

Yesterday, Donald Trump shared a video featuring a meme of the Obamas as monkeys, a deeply racist image that would be considered crude even for a 15-year-old on 4chan. Well, you know what? We’re tired of taking the high road on this shit. You wanna play dirty, Mr. President? Fine. We have Photoshop too, let’s sink to your level — here is a photo of the president’s head on the body of one of the most depraved criminals of all time, Donald Trump: 

BAM. We went there. Take it in America, your president’s face on the body of a convicted rapist whose name appears in the Epstein files over 38,000 times. 

We know some of you probably think this is a bridge too far, and that progressives need to keep their “moral high ground,” but god dammit, enough is enough! If our commander in chief thinks he can continue to cheapen our collective culture with his crass, hateful rhetoric, it’s high time we throw it right back. Here’s the president’s face on the body of a known war criminal: 

Take that, you piece of shit! Let’s keep going. Here’s the President’s face on the body of a man who makes inappropriate sexual comments about his own daughter: 

That’s right, we’re taking no prisoners today! How about the president as a fascist fucking dictator?

Oh. Snap. Yes, we know these images look grotesque, but you brought this on yourself, Mr. President. Okay, one more. We weren’t going to do this, but screw it, the gloves are off. Here is the face ofthe president of the united states on the body of a guy who shit his own pants during a press conference:

Ice Agent Tries to Deport His Doctor During Open Heart Surgery

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent being treated at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis recently attempted to deport the doctor performing his open heart surgery, confirmed sources. 

“One minute I’m macing protesters, laughing, having a good time, and the next minute I’m at the hospital being rushed into an operating room for an emergency triple bypass,” said agent Fred Reynolds. “Suddenly, the guy who’s supposed to be cutting me open comes in and wouldn’t you know it, he’s an Indian! The kind from India, not America. I immediately shook off my anesthesiologist and demanded to see his birth certificate. Surgery can wait. I have humans to deport.”

The agent reportedly tried to jump off the operating table to physically detain surgeon Yusuf Gupta despite already being hooked up to several IVs and an EKG.

“Upon seeing that I was of Pakistani descent, the patient became agitated and started screaming at me to show him ‘my papers’ as well as accusing me of crossing the border from India into America illegally,” said Dr. Gupta. “I tried to tell him that my parents were from Pakistan—not India—and that I was born right here in Minnesota, but he wouldn’t listen. The patient is minutes away from a major cardiac episode, he’s going to die if I don’t start operating on him, and his biggest concern is whether I’m a citizen or not. How crazy is that? We finally got him sedated, although he did wake up once during the actual surgery but only enough to point a finger gun at me and slur the words ‘Fucking bitch’ before passing back out. Amazingly, despite everything, the surgery was a success.”

United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem discussed the incident during a press conference yesterday, praising the ICE agent for his commitment to his duties and accusing Dr. Gupta of interfering in a legal immigration operation.

“That brave ICE agent was doing exactly what he was trained to do—accusing people with abnormal pigmentation of coming here illegally. Between Alex Pretti and now Dr. Gupta it’s clear that many of America’s doctors and nurses have been radicalized by ANTIFA and other domestic terrorist groups like the American Medical Association.” said Noem. “As ICE continues to lower its recruitment standards, we expect an influx of physically unfit agents, which will no doubt result in a steep increase in ER visits. As such, we recommend that medical professionals begin carrying their birth certificates or naturalization papers tucked somewhere in their scrubs at all times.”

At press time, Reynolds was under fire for allegedly threatening to deport a Korean massage therapist after she refused to give him a happy ending.

Opinion: I’m Not Bad at Remembering Names, You’re Bad at Being Memorable

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

If there’s one thing this country loves to do, it’s bandy around the word ‘toxic,’ and I submit to you all that we have long overlooked a true source of toxicity: placing the effort to remember names squarely on other people instead of others taking it upon themselves to be goddamn interesting for a change. That’s why I have decided to unburden myself of the stress of feeling insecure that I can’t remember your names and put the blame squarely on you for boring me. 

I searched my soul, and I realized something: I always remember the names of people who capture my attention or fascinate me. I met a guy named Garth at a party once who told me he accidentally set his nuts on fire after spilling kerosene on his pants, and then having his lighter explode when he took too big a rip out of a hot dog-shaped bong. Garth will live in my mind forever because they actually had an interesting story.

I’m no longer trying strategies from your fake self-help entrepreneurial garbage literature, suggesting that I just repeat some assholes dumb name enough until it sticks. I’m also finished with scurrying to my notes app to jot names down next to an identifiable feature. It’s time that we enter a new era where we all take accountability for ourselves, and we start with everyone developing a goddamn well-rounded personality that actually makes you memorable.

Don’t tell me about your job. Tell me about when an orca crushed your uncle to death at Sea World. Oh, that didn’t happen to you? Well, it happened to Quinn, a woman I met on a bus, whom I will never forget. 

Oh, you’re new in town? How about instead, tell me about your birthmark that looks like Glenn Danzig.

You’re a big foodie? Maybe instead, tell me about when you were kidnapped for ransom and forced to learn how to cook for yourself because your captors had an EZ-Bake oven next to the radiator you were chained to?

From here on out, know this: I’m not playing your toxic games anymore. Get interesting. Do something worth remembering.

Report: Crowd Surfer Hard

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BALTIMORE — A crowd surfer during a Cannibal Corpse show at Soundstage weirded out other concert attendees with his fully engorged penis, shuddering sources confirm.

“Those in the crowd are noting that this individual was completely erect during multiple stage dives,” correspondent Alan Krause reported from the scene. “I’ve noticed several people in the crowd with bewildered and disgusted looks on their faces after reaching up their hands to guide this man from the stage, and some of them have even left the area just in front of the stage, presumably to distance themselves from his rigid member. We have yet to learn why he is so aroused, but will be sure to follow-up and report the reason as soon as the information is made available to us.”

Thad Beauregard, who had been standing right in front of the stage, attested to the turgid state of the man’s hog.

“What the fuck, dude?” Beauregard said as he wiped his hands on his jeans. “Who gets a boner while crowdsurfing, and at a Cannibal Corpse show, no less? There are very few settings that seem less arousing to me than this one. I reached up when the guy dove during ‘Blunt Force Castration’ and my hand landed right on his stiffy. It was so awful that I immediately pulled my hand away. That’s the last time I go to the front of the crowd during a death metal show. I’ll just go back to thumping heads in the pit. At least there I’ll barely be able to notice if someone is inexplicably at full-mast.”

Kirk Van Dreesen, the man with the erection, didn’t see what the big deal was.

“So what if crowdsurfing at a Cannibal Corpse show gets me a little hot and bothered?” Van Dressen shrugged. “Nothing gets me going quite like blast beats, growled vocals spewing lyrics about torture and necrophilia, and the combined body odors of dozens of complete strangers. Man, that Dying Fetus show last week was so fucking erotic. I basically make the rounds from death metal show to death metal show, and I don’t even really listen to the music outside of that. I just go to get my jollies from crowdsurfing. Honestly, when I’m at home or at work I mainly just listen to adult contemporary and smooth jazz.”

At press time, Van Dreesen said he was only four or five stage dives away from climaxing.

Impossible To Tell if Man Genuinely Cheerful or Burying Some Really Heavy Shit

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

NOWTHEN, Minn. — Local 32-year-old Reginald Watts left friends, neighbors, co-workers, casual acquaintances, and passing strangers with the same uneasy feeling that his upbeat persona is actually a way of not dealing with deep, inescapable unhappiness, confirmed sources.

“We met 15 years ago during high school and have been close ever since. His jokey, relentlessly positive energy was part of what drew me to him, of course, but over the years I’ve come to wonder if it’s a kind of shield,” said best friend Billy Yutz. “He’s always been a bit evasive when it comes to talking about his feelings. He insists there’s nothing wrong, but we’ve all seen him when he thinks no one’s looking. He’s got that thousand-yard stare like he’s involuntarily remembering the time he buried a body in the woods or something.”

Cashiers at a grocery store around the corner reported a number of slightly off-feeling interactions with Watts over the years.

“He’s a nice guy I guess. Always cracking jokes, playing little pranks. He seems pretty bright, I’m kind of surprised he’s never left town. He kind of lingers at the till sometimes, like he doesn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts,” said cashier Harold Plum. “He’ll laugh at anything. And not like a gentle laugh — proper maniacal, eyes looking in different directions kind of laugh. I had no idea small talk could feel so unhinged. It’s like a piano wire that’s about to snap. Or he’s just in a good mood. I have no idea. Would you like cash back with that?”

Watts himself insists everything is fine and he’s not teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

“Oh gosh, there’s no deeper stuff going on. What you see is what you get! Anyway it’s like my mama used to say, god rest her soul. The best way to meet rain is sunshine,” said Watts, wearing a slightly glazed expression. “What else can one do when the world is such an obscene cesspool of sin and depravity? The light will win out so help us. In the meantime you’ve just got to be strong, grin and bear it.”

At press time, friends still weren’t sure if they should encourage Watts to become a motivational speaker or call a suicide prevention hotline.

Opinion: We Need To Go Back to the Good Ol’ Days When the Government Did Nothing and the Economy Grew Due to Factors Outside My Understanding

Posted on by Cody Arbor

You know what I miss, fellow freethinkers? Having money and being able to get more, no matter where I went. Back before 1980, when Ronald Reagan and Capitalism finally told the government to back off, because the big boys were playing now! Which was good, because there was a lot more money being thrown around, and the last thing Americans need is a government telling them where money should go! A bank would give you money because you had a twinkle in your eye and just-so-happened to pass the paper bag test! Nowadays, a bank won’t even let you in the door without demanding a credit score and a pint of Christian blood!

Folks, I’m just a simple man with zero experience in history or economics. I like my taxes low, my infrastructure private, and my states with the rights I explicitly approve of: the very idea that the ultra-rich patriots who funded and maintained all that infrastructure from the Pre-Reagan years did so because of the law and not their own good Christian hearts is ridiculous! From what I know to be true from my brief reading of a pamphlet at a libertarian gun rally, they paid their fair share, completely and willingly; it had nothing to do with a government that actually governed and enforced tax laws! The rich don’t want to pay their taxes for a country that doesn’t bend, scrape, and worship the dirt under their toenails, and why SHOULD they? As a proud patriot, I hate anyone who doesn’t appreciate the nobility!

I may not have a fancy degree in any of the subjects I’m an expert in, I went to a little place called the “School of Hard Knox,” an unaccredited university that took my money and ran. And anyone smart enough to scam me deserves my money. And my boss has repeatedly assured me that I’m too smart to need a union or workers’ rights because of how essential I am. So essential that he doesn’t have to give me any job security or advancement in writing, but is happy to talk about it as much as I like to hear about it! And since I got all of my legal learning from docu-series like Law & Order and Suits, I know that constitutes a verbal contract! Even though I could never afford to hire a lawyer to prove such. Anyway, if I ever need to give up my job so my boss can have a few more bucks, I’ll do it. I could always just get some paper-pushing, cushy government job.

Metal Band Debating Whether They Should Completely Fucking Ruin Their Music by Adding a Keyboardist

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EUGENE, Ore. — Up-and-coming metal band Enrager found themselves considering whether they should completely fucking ruin their music by adding a keyboardist, sources report.

“This is something we’ve been weighing for a few days now,” said frontman Jason Gilliard. “We’ve got a pretty good thing going so far. We sound like old school German thrash bands like Kreator and Sodom, so I’m employing a mid-level growl that they used back in the mid-eighties that was sort of a precursor to the lower growls that came with pure death metal in the early nineties. It sounds really cool, so we’re wondering if we should totally fucking destroy that by adding a completely needless keyboardist to distract the listeners. Of course this person will be playing long, drawn out solos that will bore the absolute Christ out of people at our shows.”

Potential keyboardist Ivan Revik was excited by the prospect.

“Oh wow, I hope Enrager decides that they need a keyboard player,” Revik said. “I saw them open for Warbringer a couple weeks ago, and they were killer. They played super fast and sang about traditional metal stuff like death and destruction. I’d love to come in and just suck all of the fun out of their songs by adding superfluous, synthy tones over all the thrashy riffs. I’ll go home right now and post on Craigslist that I’m a keyboardist in the area who’s looking to make an otherwise good metal band sound fucking awful and unlistenable. With any luck, they’ll hit me up soon.”

Fan Alisha DelGado hoped Enrager would not choose to add a keyboardist.

“Ugh, God, why do metal bands do this?” DelGado lamented. “If I wanted bullshit keyboards that put me to sleep, I’d listen to Dream Theater or Symphony X, but I have no desire to hear that garbage. Enrager plays music that’s great to thrash and pound beers to, and nothing will make me leave a mosh pit in disgust quicker than some ping-pingy keyboard solo in the middle of an otherwise sick song. Do you think Slayer ever considered adding a Moog to their tunes? No way, because it’s stupid. I’m going to be so pissed if they decide to go this route that I might not even get blackout drunk and puke in front of the stage at their next show.”

At press time, the members of Enrager were also contemplating adding a fretless bass.