Listen Here, Liberal! Our Grandfathers Fought and Died So You and I Could Enjoy the Freedom To Have Billionaires and Pedophiles Destroy Every Enjoyable Part of What It Means To Be Alive

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

I can’t believe I even have to point this out again to you soft, weak liberals, but freedom still isn’t free. It requires payment in perpetuity, and it’s a cost that we all must pay to have our liberty remain as wild as a soaring eagle, and as pure and white as my late uncle’s Klan robes.

Every generation must lay sacrifices at the altar of freedom. Our grandfathers made their sacrifice when they sailed across the Atlantic Ocean with nothing but determination, ammo, and low-grade amphetamines to ensure that Hitler didn’t have us all speaking German. Now? It’s our generation’s turn to sacrifice, and I will not just sit by watching you besmirch their memory by not gleefully and reflexively offering up every single joyful facet of what it means to be a human being so that our billionaire and pedophile overlords can do whatever they want all of the time.

They were called to serve. We are called to submit. That’s the cost of freedom in 2026, libs.

They were asked to kill Nazi’s; we’re asked to have them govern us. Deal with it.

I can’t believe you don’t feel the beautiful winds of patriotism under your wings as you are robbed of upward mobility, a livable planet, or public forest lands.

Do you not hear the drum and the fife beckoning you towards glory as you spend half of your paycheck on taxes to a government run by child rapists while billionaires buy up all media and technology systems so they can control every possible thing you do and believe?

Can you not feel the noble blood of your ancestry coursing through your veins as the other half of that paycheck is spent on barely being able to afford food and rent?

Do you not feel a love of life and liberty when guns have more rights than women, and every meaningful part of existence is privatized and sold back to you for more than you can afford?

If you answered no to any of these questions, well, I guess some of us actually love this country enough to let it be completely destroyed and robbed of any shred of its nobility and humanity by the dumbest, cruelest people imaginable.

Little Debbie Gives Little Kid Little Diabetes

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — A local child developed a new kind of “little” diabetes after eating only Little Debbie snack cakes, sources confirmed.

“Growing up, I remember all of my friends eating nothing but Oatmeal Creme Pies. Every skate and punk show we went to, someone passed a box of pies around. Sure, we were constantly breaking bones, and I don’t know how many we lost to rabies, but I survived. How was I supposed to know you shouldn’t do the same when you have kids? Next you’ll tell me Nutella is just middle-class chocolate frosting,” said Welk Betrug, parent of the child of concern. “The doctor ran a test that showed my kid’s blood is 0.12% creme filling, which is 0.04 above the legal limit. They said it’s the first case they’ve seen of ‘little diabetes.’ Maybe we were eating expired Cosmic Brownies? I checked my health insurance, and my policy only covers diabetes types 11, F, and berry blast. What am I supposed to do now? I’d like an explanation.”

McKee Foods, owner of the Little Debbie brand, disputed the parent’s claims.

“First off, there is no such thing as an expired Little Debbie product. As everyone knows, Zebra Cakes don’t go bad; they just get chewier. This is due to their high deliciosity per serving, especially now that we’ve added beef tallow to the creme filling,” said Johnwayne McKee, chief snackability officer for McKee Foods. “Besides, what type of diabetes do you expect to get from Little Debbie? Type 2? Yawn. ‘Little diabetes’ is at the same cutting edge of portability, moreishness, and al dente outer shell that defines Little Debbie products. You don’t get that with sleazy, low-deliciosity brands like Hostess, stuck in the past dealing out type 1, the oldest kind of diabetes.”

Health experts say more research is needed.

“Not much is known about little diabetes other than that it is the cutest type of diabetes. It makes the pancreas do an adorable giggle when it drops a fresh squirt of insulin, much like a puppy leaving an oopsie on the carpet,” said Dr. Lisa Sampson, a pediatrician at Johns Hopkins. “I recommend this parent eliminate snack cakes from the child’s diet immediately. Instead, switch to full-sized pies, cakes, and Swiss rolls. That increases the chance of super-sizing to type 2 diabetes, which is better researched and treatable.” 

As of press time, McKee Foods promised to underline the word “oatmeal” on each box of Oatmeal Creme Pies in an attempt to convince the public it’s a health food. 

Worst Member of Family on Track to Outlive Everyone

Posted on by Tim Graham

HANSON, Mass. — Local bigoted alcoholic Bud Cullen will likely live longer than many members of his family, according to perplexed health care workers.

“My uncle Bud is an unabashed piece of shit. He’s a drunk, racist 85-year-old chainsmoker, yet he lives on while far better members of our family drop dead,” said Jennifer Cullen following the funeral of her favorite aunt, Cindy Cullen. “Bud stumbled into Cindy’s wake, drunk as usual, spouting hateful bullshit all while proclaiming himself to be the most pious Christian among us. He’s the last of that generation now that his sister Cindy is gone. Uncle Bud even outlived several younger family members, including his son—although I have my suspicions that he faked his death to get away from his dad.”

Bud Cullen says he knows he doesn’t lead a traditionally healthy lifestyle, but figures he must be doing something right.

“Maybe the secret is a fifth of bourbon and a pack a day,” mused Bud Cullen, removing his oxygen mask to puff on a cigarette. “Doctors told me to stop drinking and smoking 40 years ago, and I’ve outlived most of them, too. Sure, I’m slowing down a bit, but I’ll still kick the ass of anyone half my age. Booze, smokes, red meat, raw milk—I do all the shit the libbed up doctors tell you to avoid, and I’m still here. I expect a lot more people are going to live to a ripe old age like me now that RFK Jr. is in charge of Americans’ health.”

Researchers are closing in on confirming a correlation between longevity and being a terrible person.

“It’s long been hypothesized that being an awful, generally mean and bad person has some positive effect on lifespan,” said Johns Hopkins researcher Dr. Howard Skinner. “My team has been studying subjects who would be colloquially known as ‘assholes’ for some time, and have found convincing evidence that these sociopaths do indeed live longer than kind, empathic people. The amazing thing is that these assholes often engage in self-destructive behavior like fighting, drugs and alcohol abuse, yet still they persist. Our working theory is that acting like an asshole releases key anti-aging compounds in the brain.”

At press time, Jennifer Cullen had learned of another death in her family, but was heartbroken to learn it was her “wonderful” cousin Brett Cullen and not Uncle Bud.

We Interviewed Powder Because We Thought He Was Billy Corgan

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ok, first off, we already fired our intern Colin over this, so please rest assured that it won’t happen again. With that being said, some of the blame should still fall on us for not asking any follow-up questions when he said he grew up with Billy Corgan in a boys’ home in Wheaton City, Texas. We suppose we just let the idea of interviewing the frontman from the Smashing Pumpkins cloud our judgment. 

Anyway, we didn’t realize our mistake until midway through our conversation with what ended up being the protagonist of 1995’s sci-fi drama “Powder”, when our recording devices began malfunctioning in his presence. In our defense, the guy showed up in a fedora with sunglasses, which we just supposed was a new look for the eccentric rock star. Anyway, here’s the interview:

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s so awesome to meet you! We’ve been a huge fan of yours since the nineties.

Powder: Thank you.

HT: So what’s up?

P: Have you ever listened to people from the inside? Listened so close you can hear their thoughts and memories?

HT: Excuse me?

P: When a thunderstorm comes up, I can feel it inside. When the lightning comes down, I can feel it wanting to come to me.

HT: …wow, Mr. Corgan, you really are deep. Are these lyrics to a new song? We really enjoyed “Aghori Mhori Mei”, so we’re excited to hear what more you guys have in store for us.

P: What did you call me?

HT: Billy Corgan. You are the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins, right?

P: No, my name is Jeremy Reed, but most people call me Powder.

HT: Oh shit, oh shit. We remember that movie. Are you okay with all of this electronic equipment around you?

P: Now that you mention it, I do feel a little…ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

It was at this point that a line of electricity shot from one of our laptops directly into Powder’s chest and lifted him into the air like a marionette, and we high-tailed it the fuck out of that boys’ home without checking to see if he was okay, which was kind of a dick move in retrospect. That freaky little weirdo could be dead right now, for all we know, or pure energy or whatever the fuck Jeff Goldblum said. We promise we’ll behave more honorably during our upcoming interview with Robert Smith, who our new intern Jacob has assured us definitely isn’t Lydia from “Beetlejuice”.

Local Man Basically the Next Elvis if You Only Count the Abusing Adderall on the Toilet Part

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PROVO, Utah — Local man Adam Kerman was excited to learn that he’s basically the next Elvis Presley if you discount everything but the fact that he abuses Adderall on the toilet in much the same manner as the late superstar, sources report.

“It’s awesome that I’m essentially the next Memphis Flash,” Kerman muttered erratically as he ground his teeth. “I never thought of myself as musically talented, but I guess this flies in the face of everyone in my life who called me a shiftless layabout who will never amount to anything. I’d like to see them shaking their hips on the Ed Sullivan Show or, in my case, blowing a rail of ground-up Adderall while sitting on the shitter instead of going to the dishwashing interview at the Olive Garden that their dads arranged for them. It’s going to feel pretty good when they apologize to me.”

Kerman’s friend Ron Wentzel reacted to the news.

“I guess Adam really is the next Hillbilly Cat,” Wentzel stated. “And honestly, my parents should stop being so concerned about the fact that I spend all of my time doing drugs with him instead of re-enrolling in college or getting a job. I mean, I doubt the people who were hanging around Elvis had people in their lives who were worried about them. I think I’m going to see if Adam still has some Adderall left so I can sit on the toilet and honk it up my nose just like Elvis. It’s about time I did something with my life, so I’m lucky to have a close friend who inspires me.”

Pop culture historian Micah Herald provided her expertise on the matter.

“Many people don’t realize just how much in common they have with their favorite rock stars,” Herald said. “I recently met with a man who’s basically the next Jimi Hendrix if you only count the vomiting in his sleep after drinking too much part, and the next Vince Neil in Southern California recently killed a passenger in his car after drunkenly careening his mid-engine sports car into oncoming traffic. These people’s loved ones need to chill out and let them do their thing, because they’re basically rock gods whose genius needs to be respected instead of called into question.”

At press time, the future King of Rock ‘n’ Roll was seen bringing a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich into the bathroom.

NFL Cracks Down on Domestic Violence Reporting

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell revealed that the organization is unveiling a new policy to address the domestic violence reporting within the league, sources confirmed.

“We take these matters very seriously,” Goodell said during a press conference at league headquarters. “We expect this new policy will dramatically reduce the number of cases appearing in the news, entering official records, or being discussed publicly or privately. Fans don’t need to be thinking about players hitting their wives when they’re just trying to have fun watching players try to concuss each other. If they were interested in domestic violence, they wouldn’t be watching football.”

Fans expressed strong support for the league’s efforts to maintain focus on football.

“I watch football to get away from that kind of stuff,” said longtime NFL fan Jason Miller. “We’re all paying for the players to play, not to be reminded that domestic violence incidents rise 10% on days when NFL games are played, or that the NFL’s arrest rate for domestic violence is half the national average. Hearing stats like that makes me feel like I’m still in school. Keep that crap out of the game so I can just enjoy the violence the players are inflicting on the field, not off of it, the way it’s supposed to be.”

Experts in sports law and governance noted that the policy represents a significant evolution in how leagues manage sensitive issues.

“This is a landmark moment for institutional control over league narratives,” said sports law professor Dr. Emily Carter. “By minimizing the reporting and documentation of these incidents, the NFL is effectively reducing the frequency with which they must be acknowledged or addressed, particularly in ways that generate sustained public scrutiny or legal follow-up, a strategy that could easily be extended to other areas of concern such as CTE or player safety.”

At press time, league officials confirmed they were exploring similar measures to address people being reminded of the other harsh realities associated with professional sports, like depression and suicide rates after retirement, and those pink ribbons that fans can never remember what they mean.

How Mudflaps Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About How Often Calvin Pisses on the Yankees Logo

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As far back as I can remember, I have hated the New York Yankees. I hate the joyless corporatism of how the organization is run and how their fans act like they somehow also won all the teams’ World Series titles. But one thing I do love is how I’m not the only one, and apparently, one of the most prominent haters to ever exist is Calvin from the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic, who I’m always delighted to see featured pissing on the Yankees logo of many an 18-wheeler mudflap when I’m driving along the interstate.

Well, curiosity got the best of me, so I decided to finally read the comics to see how much Calvin pissed on (figuratively and literally) the Yanks and their grossly overrated players. Well, I’m sorry to report that all those truck mudflaps were brazen lies because not once in the strip’s 10-year run did Calvin piss on a Yankees logo.

I was clearly misled into thinking Calvin was some devil-may-care, Dennis the Menace type who reveled in desecrating storied, insufferable baseball institutions. Because after dropping $250 for the complete “Calvin and Hobbes” collection, I found that at no point did he whip it out and urinate on the Yankees logo, or anything for that matter. There isn’t even so much as a ‘fuck the Steinbrenners’. What a waste of time!

If you would believe it, the comic’s entire premise is about Calvin and his toy tiger navigating life through the unbridled joy of imagination and exploring the beauty of the world, and sometimes he’s a superhero.

Look, I’m a simple man, and the mudflaps I stare at on the back of tractor-trailers during my commute up and down I-95 convinced me to believe the philosophy of Calvin and Hobbes is that he smirks and pees on things I don’t like. What’s next, Garfield liking Mondays and Lucy letting Charlie Brown kick the football?

Then I thought maybe the creator, Bill Watterson, licensed Calvin’s likeness to pee all over logos because he couldn’t get away with it in print, but no, it turns out he is famously not a sellout and all the comics’ merch is technically bootleg. Someone needs to answer for these lies!

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, go Red Sox.

Study Shows Shadowboxing Next to Playground Still Best Way to Battle Demons Most Bitch Asses Couldn’t Even Comprehend

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — A new study from California State University, Bakersfield found that aggressively and methodically punching the air within five yards of your local park’s swing set is still the most effective way to combat personal demons that the average human couldn’t even picture, let alone summarily defeat in a community space.

“Our team observed subjects facing a variety of personal demons, such as unemployment, divorce, estrangement from children, unrequited love, uncertain sexuality, unfulfilled fantasies based on anime plotlines, and other sources of discontent that your sheltered, coddled asses probably haven’t even heard of,” said the study’s lead researcher, Erica Peed. “The subjects were exposed to new, cutting-edge psychotherapies, as well as the traditional treatment that is shadowboxing in broad daylight next to the jungle gym at a local park. Ten times out of ten, shadowboxing in broad daylight next to the jungle gym at a local park resulted in happier, more well-adjusted subjects.”

Marvin Anziano, one of the study’s participants, spoke about how memories of his childhood dentist’s office repeatedly forgetting his birthday used to cause angry outbursts directed toward his two cats. 

“I used to frequently make loud noises in my apartment, causing Cornelius and Reptar to retreat to the safety of their cat tree,” Anziano said. “But that was before I learned about fistfighting invisible opponents at my neighborhood park. All I have to do is grab a really old sweatband and a gym bag that’s way too big, walk to the park, and start punching! Once I’m sweaty enough that local parents think there’s something clinically wrong with me, I’m ready to pack it up and head home. I no longer have the desire to scream obscenities at my cats, and they no longer tremble in my presence!” 

But not everyone is happy about the progress made by men like Anziano.

“I don’t know what this guy’s deal is,” said local parent Wilson McKinney. “I’m just trying to have a nice day at the playground with my kids, but there’s always some Rocky-wannabe grunting and punching and sweating profusely, like that weird Papa John’s interview. I’d take my kids to the other side of the park, but that’s where the high school kids have their whippet seshes, and I do not wanna piss them off. Part of me thinks he’s waiting for a challenger, a rival! Well it ain’t gonna be me — I’m in head-to-toe Vineyard Vines, chief. These ain’t fighting clothes. Now, maybe I can convince him to come to my dojo, under the supervision of my sensei. Then maybe I’ll take him down a notch!”

At press time, Anziano’s heated moment of personal growth was presenting a significant obstacle for two second graders playing Tag.

RFK Jr. Patents Denim Condoms

Posted on by Casey Smith

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that he has patented denim condoms, confirmed sources who haven’t touched seed oil ever since they saw a TikTok about it.

“We all know latex condoms are a mere 98% effective and will give you melanoma if you aren’t careful. Thankfully, I’ve come up with a jean-based sheath that is 98.1% effective against neurological diseases that are typically transferred during sex. But anyway, use the code ‘MAHAFIT’ at checkout for 40% off your order,” said Kennedy. “I’m coming up with so many inventions that have never been thought of before. Polio-Free Ice Cream. AIDs-Free Poppers. Vaccines that will give you a high IQ. Pesticides that won’t make your kids transgender. You call it a phantasm, I call it a market.”

The patent office had just about enough of Kennedy’s crackpot ideas.

“There’s times where I’ll reply to him with debunked 1900s propaganda and he’ll reply ‘See!’ as if I’m encouraging him,” said Greg Manswagon, a clearly exhausted patent office clerk. “To understand this man’s patents, you’ll have to expect long debunked science coming from a neo nazi crack bunker with zero peer revision. I did entertain his WiFi Cancer Net idea, but this was mostly because I felt bad for him. I mean, he pitched his idea while doing pushups at the front desk. What a loser.”

Kennedy supporters, such as Bradlor Crumpton, couldn’t wait to start having sex with Levi’s material.

“I’m not ashamed to say I’m a patriot who has came his jeans more than I’ll ever come in a rubber, with human women coming in at a close 10th thing. Plus, I saw a video about how regular condoms can give you chlamydia. That must be how I got it, even though I’ve never used one,” declared Crumpton.“I bet Jesus never wore Trojan latex condoms, but he definitely slipped some stonewashed denim on his blue collar dong to not have more kids who won’t talk to him. Just like me.”

At time of press, Kennedy suddenly had an idea of a corduroy-based diaphragm for women.

Marlboro Introduces Non-Marijuana Cigarette for Dry 4/20

Posted on by Bob Kerr

RICHMOND, Va. — Tobacco giant Marlboro, in a bid to capitalize on the sober-curious movement, is introducing a line of non-marijuana cigarettes for those looking to enjoy 4/20 stone-free, confirmed sources.

“We are extremely excited to have a non-marijuana option for people who want to commemorate the holiday, but would still like to remember where they left their keys at the end of the day,” said Marlboro spokesperson Marcus Kerrigan. “We know that everyone wants to celebrate the holiday of herbs, but we here at Marlboro recognize that some people would prefer a healthy alternative to weed. With our selection of marijuana-free cigarettes, people can enjoy toking that won’t make them polish off a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch while watching a single episode of ‘I Think You Should Leave’ before falling asleep at 6:30 p.m. on the couch”

The campaign has some people excited, such as Martine Nixon, who considers herself a reformed reefer ripper.

“It’s great that I can smoke up with my friends without the pressures of enjoying cerebral jokes or creating interesting music,” said Nixon before heaving a sigh as she lit up one of Marlboro’s patented non-wacky tabacky cigarettes. “And if I can be honest, it’s nice to just puff, puff, without all that passing because no one around me wants anything to do with these cigs. And I like that it still contains all the hazardous ingredients of a cigarette. It’s like my body won’t know the difference.”

However, some detractors are cautioning faux-potheads that just because the cigarettes lack the THC compound, it may not be the wisest choice to ring in Mary Jane’s big day.

“It’s a cigarette,” said oncologist Dr. Tina Haliwell. “It’s a major carcinogen. If you don’t want to get high on 4/20, then you don’t have to smoke anything. Chew a piece of gum or suck on a lollipop if you have to put something in your mouth. Eat a giant turkey leg. Or drink a 24-pack of Coors Light and do meth. I don’t really care what you do, just don’t smoke cigarettes.”

At press time, Haribo announced that it plans to release a line of non-ganja gummies for the upcoming festivities.