Elton John Gets Rhinestone Contacts

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — Pop legend and fashion icon Elton John has reportedly ditched his jewel encrusted eyeglasses for a more sensible pair of rhinestone contact lenses, sources confirmed while squinting from the glare coming off of them.

“Aren’t they something? Now everywhere I look, I can be dazzled by the splendor of glistening gems and jewels, without the constant taking on and off of those pesky glasses I used to wear. I think I may have them taken in to get some feathers added, as well,” said John, as his eyelids struggled to blink over the jagged mineral deposits. “I find that the added weight on my eyeballs helps me feel even more alive. I’m ‘Still Standing’ as I say, but I’ll admit, I’m not 100% sure what room I’m still standing in…or that I’m even in the right house sometimes. Ah well, who would complain about me wandering into their home, I sang on the Lion King! You should be so lucky!”

Dr. Perry Noonan, who prescribed the contacts, says that many of his celebrity clients have similar requests.

“Oh yeah, rock stars come in here all the time asking for all sorts of bizarre ocular accouterments. For starters, those Replacements fellas would stumble in here asking if they could get actual ‘beer goggles’ all the time in the late ‘80s, and always seemed to forget that I had already told them scientists would only get to inventing them after curing cancer,” said the optometrist. “Peter Gabriel is another space case, always bringing a new girlfriend in here to get their eyes checked for ‘the light, the heat,’ Honestly, when you consider all the others, Elton wanting those bedazzled contact lenses is the most sensible of the bunch. I just hope he remembers not to put them on backwards, or they could really rip his eyeballs to shreds.”

John is so frequently in need of gemstones for various aspects of his life that he has hired a personal miner.

“Heh, that’s me! The ‘rock man’ for the Rocket Man, I guess you’d say. Sure, the job don’t come with much sunlight, but the guy gave the world ‘Philadelphia Freedom,’ so I feel I owe him that, as a lifelong 76ers fan,” said professional on-call miner Durland Dunnigan, who was in fact wearing one of those hats with the lights on it. “Whenever I get down thinking about all the good men we lose down there in the twists and turns of the mines, I just think of how kind it is of Mr. John to let their families use ‘Funeral for a Friend’ royalty-free at their services, and sometimes he’ll even throw in ‘Candle in the Wind’ if it’s around the holidays. It’s a kind gesture, and I’m glad to be a part of the team.”

At press time, John was seen browsing pamphlets advertising a new, highly experimental, rhinestone LASIK procedure.

Every Issue of Alan Moore’s ”Swamp Thing” Ranked by How Likely They’ll Get a Conservative Book Ban

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s not uncommon for a comic book title to change writers several times throughout its history, but when Alan Moore took over “Swamp Thing” in 1984 he truly made the book his own. His era is largely regarded as one of the most celebrated runs in comic book history.

Moore retroactively changed Swamp Thing’s origins. In his retcon we learn that Swampy was never a man transformed into a plant as we previously believed, but in fact an avatar of nature itself. The book began to explore themes of environmentalism, spirituality, and the psychedelic experience. So, right off the bat, a lot of red flags for conservatives.

We went ahead and ranked every issue of Moore’s Swamp Thing by how likely they’ll receive a conservative book banning campaign, and sad to say things are not looking good for our boy Swampy in the red states, which is where a lot of the good swamps are!

46. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #41 (October 1985): “Southern Change”

Hollywood actors filming an antebellum Southern drama are taken over by the racist spirits of people who died at the plantation where the film is set.

They love this one. They fucking LOVE this one.

45. Saga of the Swamp Thing #20 (January 1984): “Loose Ends”

After defeating his arch-nemesis Arcane Swampy is presumably killed by Sunderland.

An industrialist’s private army murders a creature they fear because they don’t understand it. Certainly, nothing for conservatives to complain about here.

44. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #44 (January 1986): “Bogeymen”

After breaking into his girlfriend’s house unannounced, Swamp Thing murders a Serial Killer.

Violating a woman’s boundaries and capital punishment. From a conservative standpoint, what’s not to love?

43. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #57 (February 1987): “Mysteries in Space”

Swamp Thing gets caught in a Zeta beam and tussles with Adam Strange.

If you’re not familiar with DC’s Adam Strange, he’s a guy who’s kind of a loser on Earth but a mysterious beam transports him to planet Rann where the pacifist native population depends on him to solve their problems with violence and to mate with their women. In other words, he’s a conservative folk hero, and this issue where he fights the embodiment of environmentalism is as influential to them as Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead.”

42. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #63 (August 1987): “Loose Ends (Reprise)”

Swamp Thing murders his enemies and reunites with Abby.

Swampy’s bloodlust here is highly relatable to Republicans.

41. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #60 (May 1987): “Loving the Alien”

Swamp Thing is forced to mate with a sentient alien spaceship.

While the title “Loving the Alien” is not a sentiment conservatives are known to embrace, a surprisingly high percentage of QAnon believers have reported being sexually assaulted on spaceships.

40. Saga of the Swamp Thing #25 (June 1984): “The Sleep of Reason”

Abby and Swamp Thing have a flirtatious swim as she tells him all about her new job working with autistic children. We find that one of the kids lost his parents after they accidentally summoned a monkey demon with an Ouija board.

As far as conservative thought leaders are concerned, that’s what you get for vaccinating your kids and messing around with the occult. This is one they want in schools.

39. Swamp Thing #59 “Reunion” (April 1987)

When she hears about a creature lurking in the swamps Abby returns to Louisiana hoping it’s Swamp Thing, but it’s just her dead dad as a Frankenstein and then he dies again.

Easier to read than the real Frankenstein so conservatives are all for putting this one in schools and banning the original.

38. Saga of the Swamp Thing #26 (July 1984): “…A Time of Running”

Swamp Thing, Abby, and Etrigan The Demon prepare to face The Monkey King at the home for autistic children. Meanwhile Matt, after arguing with Abby about her not sleeping with him, gets drunk and crashes his car.

You would think this one was on the chopping block since our heroes team up with a literal demon from hell, but for today’s far-right the part of the story that serves as a parable for what not obeying your husband can make him do trumps the satanism.

37. Saga of the Swamp Thing #28 (September 1984): “The Burial”

Still tormented by his inherited memories of being Alec Holland, Swamp Thing seeks closure by finding Alec’s body and giving it a proper burial.

To conservatives, Swamp Thing may be an unholy avatar of the earth’s plant life, essentially a pagan God, but at least he has the decency to give Alec a proper Christian burial. They’ll allow it.

36. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #40 (September 1985): “The Curse”

A woman gets her period so bad she transforms into a werewolf.

They don’t want to ban this one, but they’ll want to ban you when you don’t laugh after they quip “Sounds like MY wife!”

35. Swamp Thing Annual Vol. 2 #2 (1984): “Down Amongst the Dead Men”

Swamp Thing pushes his consciousness-shifting abilities to the limit and enters the afterlife. After a mind-bending conversation with the spirit of the man he thought he was, Swampy enlists help from Deadman, The Phantom Stranger, The Spectre, and Etrigan to find Abby’s soul and return it to her body.

Many conservatives believe this is the reason you should never remove a feeding tube. Even if a patient shows no brain activity, that doesn’t mean Swamp Thing isn’t in hell recruiting Deadman, The Phantom Stranger, The Spectre, and Etrigan to retrieve their soul after it was wrongfully sent to hell.

34. Swamp Thing #33 “Abandoned Houses” (February 1985)

In a dream Abby meets Caine and Able, who show her that through human history there have been several Swamp Things, with the beats of the story leading to his creation happening again and again. Then Caine kills Able again just for funsies.

The concept that the same stories tend to come up, again and again, is unnerving for some Christians who would rather not acknowledge previous iterations of biblical stories, as doing so questions their authenticity. Most of them can’t even read that sentence without getting a headache though, so this one is unlikely to inspire a ban.

33. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #51 (August 1986): “Home Free”

In the fallout of her scandal, Abby leaves Louisiana for Gotham City, where she is mistaken for a prostitute and arrested again. Swamp Thing comes back from hell and reads all about it in the newspaper. He’s pissed.

Again, from a conservative viewpoint, some fantastic slut shaming. If the series just ended here Alan Moore would be a right-wing hero on par with Ayn Rand and Frank Miller.

32. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #52 (September 1986): “Natural Consequences”

Swamp Thing crashes Abby’s trial in Gotham and demands her release. When he is ignored, he causes plants to overgrow and Gotham begins transforming into a jungle.

A metaphor for what conservatives believe will happen if they do not prosecute victimless crimes, they’ll allow it.

31. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #55 (December 1986): “Earth to Earth”

The people of Gotham erect a statue in Swamp Thing’s honor. A memorial is held. Abby wrestles with her grief. Lightyears away, on an unknown blue planet, Swamp Thing emerges from the soil.

Not unlike a certain long-haired carpenter you may have heard of? Come on religious right, give Swamp Thing a chance!

30. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #48 (May 1986): “A Murder of Crows”

Swamp Thing saves Constantine’s life, but in doing so fails to stop the Invuche tribe from completing a ritual that will lead to a great evil snuffing out the light of the universe. Meanwhile, Abby is arrested for indecency when photos of her kissing Swamp Thing leak to the press.

While praised for slut shaming Abby, conservatives just can’t get behind Swampy’s decision to save a hungry mouth like Constantine when the boat is clearly sinking!

29. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #47 (April 1986): “The Parliament of Trees”

Swamp Thing meets his wood elemental predecessors in The Parliament of Trees and gains a deeper understanding of his own potential. Meanwhile, a sleazy photographer takes pictures of Abby and Swamp Thing getting intimate.

Communing with woodland spirits to unlock your true power? This is Satanism 101. Next thing you know kids will be having orgies, sacrificing goats, and watching woke propaganda like “Bluey.”

28. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #45 (February 1986): “Ghost Dance”

Two couples, one person from each of which is barely hiding the fact that they’re having an affair, explore a haunted house. Turns out it is haunted, and Swamp Thing tries to save them.

Conservative men view this comic as an attempt to indoctrinate young people into cuckolding on the grounds that it makes them insanely aroused. Banned!

27. Saga of the Swamp Thing #38 (July 1985): “Still Waters”

Swampy meets Constantine in Illinois where a town is overrun with aquatic vampires.

Fish vampires in the American heartland?! Okay, GROOMER!

26. Saga of the Swamp Thing #37 (June 1985): “Growth Patterns”

Abby finds Swamp Thing growing back to life Baby Groot style. They are visited by the mysterious John Constantine, who informs Swamp Thing that he is a “wood elemental,” and is able to die and grow back anywhere in the world he chooses. He tells Swamp Thing to grow a new body in Illinois and meet him there in one week. Meanwhile, freaky demon shit happens all over the world.

In other words, the future liberals want!

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Drake Reveals That He Was Only Being Creepy To Girls For 15 Years To Bait Kendrick Into Talking About It

Posted on by Charles Bill

TORONTO — Drake shocked the world when he released a new diss track aimed at Kendrick Lamar where the Canadian rapper claims he has been purposefully acting creepy to girls for fifteen years to bait Kendrick into talking about it, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I’ve been working on this plan since 2010 when I brought that 17-year-old on stage in Denver and did some light groping and kissing,” explained rap superstar Drake. “I had the foresight to know that I might have a rap beef over a decade later and I needed to make a fool out of my opponent with fake information. I started formulating this persona as a groomer, and then I started to pretend to be predatory towards minors. Stupid Kendrick and his fans ate it all up. I got Billie Eillish’s number from my agency and started texting her when she was 17 to start planting some seeds. I didn’t want to do it, I had to do it to make Kendrick look like an idiot. It was all just a trick and you guys fell for it.”

Members of Drake’s inner circle seem to have less confidence in the psychological warfare than Champagne Papi does.

“My job was to leak false information to Kendrick,” explained Drake entourage member Big Cheez. “I tried to show Kendrick’s camp a charity that Drake started called ‘Drake’s Kids,’ but they just misinterpreted that as Drake having a bunch of illegitimate children. Which, of course, he does, but that’s entirely beside the point. And as Drake pointed out in his diss, no rich person has ever been a pedophile and gotten away with it.”

Long-term associates of Drake have been coming out of the woodwork to support his recent assertion that he was just pretending to be a scumbag for his entire professional career.

“Drake really fooled all of you wankers,” said actress Millie Bobby Brown. “There were all these big stories of him texting me when I was 14 and he was 31. Never happened, all part of Drake’s ruse. Could you imagine a fully grown man texting a child less than half his age? Nobody is that fucked up, it was all for show. I went along with it because that bitch-ass Kendrick called ‘Stranger Things’ names like ‘derivative’ and ‘snooze-worthy’ and I knew working with Drake would take him down. Eventually.”

At press time, Drake dropped an additional bombshell that he was just joking when he ignored his son Adonis until his existence was publicly revealed.

Ornithologists Admit They Were “Super Horny” When They Named All Those Birds

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — A group of admittedly “horned-up” and “desperate” ornithologists confessed that the majority of questionable bird names were direct results of their uncontrollable randiness.

“There are three main things to know about ornithologists. We have dedicated our lives to the study of birds, we’re all incredibly horny, and we are all very bad at picking up on flirting and innuendo. The majority of names we’ve invented for various feathered theropods started as failed attempts to hit on coworkers. But they took it at face value and we were too embarrassed to correct them, so the names all stuck,” explained Dr. Nicola Odling. “Great tit, funky American woodcock, rough-faced shag, red-shafted flicker, hoary puffleg. Does that really sound like a list of majestic birds, or crass nicknames and crude sexual acts?”

A previously anonymous whistleblower named Dr. Theresa Adler recently came forward to highlight the depths of the community’s debauchery.

“Ornithology has a history of sexual perversion so sick and twisted it makes those freaky melittologists look like choir boys. In fact, birdwatching originally started in 1901 after a mid-climax Sir Edmund Beswick, founding member of the Richmond Park Ornithological Society, noticed a particularly beautiful goldfinch while getting his old-timey ass munched,” said the anonymous Dr. Adler of Katy, Texas. “This also explains why a prerequisite to earning a PHD in ornithology includes successfully hosting an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-style orgy, complete with bird masks, BDSM, and random bird trivia. Not sure how that’s still legal, but it’s tradition, I suppose.”

Historian Howard Hobbs pointed out that this phenomenon of down-bad scientists is not limited to the field of ornithology.

“Show me any major or minor scientific discovery of the last 1,000 years, and I’ll show you an act of randy desperation,” explained Hobbs. “Some, like the ‘Big Bang,’ are obvious. But others are more surprising. For instance, the legend goes that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity after seeing an apple fall from a tree. In reality, Newton was trying to fuck the apple, but it kept slipping off his hog. And the less said about the many, many times Louis Pasteur got caught raw dogging his neighbor’s dairy cows, the better.”

At press time, ornithologists have chosen to use a recent, post-orgasm refractory period to rename the seed-eating dickcissel bird something way less suggestive.

Weird! All of this Millennial’s Opinions About Pop Culture Align With Chuck Klosterman’s

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s been said there are no such thing as coincidences, and that naturally occurring phenomena can be explained no matter how bizarre it may first appear. So you would have to excuse us in suspending our belief for a moment after we’ve come across one of the strangest occurrences in recent memory.

Behold, the curious case of 40-year-old Matthew Sullivan, whose opinions about western pop culture align exactly with those espoused by writer Chuck Klosterman. We hardly believed it ourselves until we sat down with him. Literally everything that came out of his mouth matches up with what could be found in any given Klosterman essay or personal story.

“I am perfectly capable of forming my own opinions! As far as anyone is concerned I alone have spent years over-philosophizing about the cultural legacy of ‘Saved by the Bell’,” said Sullivan. “Look me in the eye and tell me Motley Crue isn’t the greatest rock band of all time. Sure I haven’t listened to a single song of theirs, but I just have this nagging feeling that it’s true.”

The mind reels! Every opinion he’s formed since the early 2000’s perfectly syncs with a certain bespectacled best selling author and columnist. It’s entirely within the realm of possibility that Sullivan is a secret Klosterman clone, or perhaps that they literally grew up with the same pop culture references. That or there’s some spiritual mind meld occurring that requires the intervention of a medium.

“Why does everyone think I’m copying him? Sure, it’s possible I may have glazed over an article or two of his. And yes, it appears all of his takes on philosophy and culture resonate with me on a spiritual level like no other. But I swear I figured out that Radiohead predicted the events of 9/11 song by song on ‘Amnesiac’ at least three or four days before ‘Killing Yourself to Live’ was published.”

If we didn’t know any better, Sullivan clearly absorbed Klosterman’s entire school of thought via osmosis in the most bizarre case of parallel thinking of all time. Whether or not his musings on the Lakers, living in North Dakota, Billy Joel fandom, blaming John Cusak for setting unrealistic relationship expectations, or overusing the word ‘ANYWAY’ are creations of his own mind, it’s undeniable that he and his kindred spirit Chuck are very, very annoying.

Photo by Rich Fleischman.

New Order Fan Bummed Her Current Love Triangle Is Actually Pretty Mundane

Posted on by John Danek

MANCHESTER — New wave obsessive and romantic introvert Jana Chapman is disappointed to find herself in a love triangle that no one could possibly consider “bizarre,” embarrassed friends reported.

“I’ve asked three different people and they have confirmed my worst fear: my current love triangle is as boring and conventional as they come,” admitted a crestfallen Chapman, whose commitment to ‘80s fashion and music has caused loved ones some degree of worry. “I’m in love with my office mate, and the IT guy is very clearly into me in a big way. I thought becoming a mid-level manager would be way more erotic. This love triangle is boring as hell and hardly worth singing about over synth baselines and ancient drum machines. Fuckin’ sucks.”

Those close to Chapman recount the peculiar ways in which she is easily excited by situations similar to those described in new wave and post-punk songs.

“Last summer she was utterly obsessed with ‘The Lovecats’ by The Cure, but not because she had a summer fling, she just heard two cats loudly fighting and fucking outside her window,” recalled Paul Grant, whose ‘80s phase ended appropriately at age 20. “And don’t even get me started on her ‘Sunglasses at Night’ phase. She tumbled down the stairs four times before giving it a rest. But New Order will always be her #1. I have to block her phone every Monday just to avoid ‘blue’ puns.”

Bernard Sumner, iconic frontman of New Order and member of Joy Division, stressed the strange nature of his first love triangle which inspired the iconic track.

“I was in love with an ex-felon who mugged my mate, and she was in love with an elderly man she met at a bus stop–now that was goddamn bizarre. Of course I had to write a song about that,” said Sumner, whose recent hobbies include creating burner Reddit accounts to talk shit on Peter Hook. “But ever since that romantic struggle, the rest have been utterly mundane and not particularly inspiring. Our pool boy loves my wife, who loves me. I dare you to try to come up with catchy lyrics for that.”

As of press time, Chapman is reportedly further disheartened, as subordinates claim that in no way can her management style be described with the phrase “Power, Corruption, & Lies.”

Six Songs We’re Listening to This Week While Canceling All Our Boeing Flights

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Another week, another abbreviated introductory paragraph. You know what you’re here for, get on down and listen to our staff picks.

Full of Hell “Transmuting Chemical Burns”

The Ocean City Devils are back with another brutally good grindcore-adjacent release. “Transmuting Chemical Burns” brings Full of Hell’s signature sonic mix to the forefront, alternating gritty screams and your more classic Cookie Monster vocals. Even though the track is short (well, long for grind) it makes hell of an impression with the driving tom-heavy drums for maximum thrashing. Wear your protective gear in the pit for this one.

Justice “The End (feat. Thundercat)”

Gods of the French Touch movement Justice have struck gold again with their recent release “Hyperdrama,” an album chock-full of excellent collaborators and already iconic dance numbers (and for some reason a music video of robots fucking, but we’ll let you Google that one yourselves). “The End” closes things out on a reflective and slightly somber note, complete with lyrics and vocals by everyone’s favorite “bass wizard” Thundercat. Play this track while driving out of a dystopian nightmare city as it burns in your rearview.

Mdou Moctar “Funeral for Justice”

Nigerian desert blues quartet Mdou Moctar is absolutely crushing it in the indie festival circuits lately, and the title track off of their newest album “Funeral for Justice” makes it instantly clear why. The album starts things off strong with a funky syncopated and almost mathy guitar riff over super catchy gang vocals, and a locked-in groove meant for dancing. We actually recommend listening to the record in full for a look into an album of the year contender. No pithy commentary here, just good, politically interesting and relevant music.

Umbra Vitae “Velvet Black”

Umbra Vitae is, technically speaking, a metal supergroup, which is a concept we kind of hadn’t thought about much, but considering members of Converge, Hatebreed, Red Chord, and Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats are present, we really should have. Their recent single “Velvet Black” is a sludgy, growly track reminiscent of Type O Negative with a little extra death-doom oomph, if that makes sense, and boy, does it deliver. We’re looking forward to making an FMV with this track for a really terrible 2000s vampire movie.

Mount Kimbie “Empty and Silent (feat. King Krule)”

London’s newly-minted quartet Mount Kimbie took a hard turn into indie rock from their previous electronic work, and the change is so completely seamless you’d have thought they’d always sounded this way. “Empty and Silent” has a dreamy, kind of wistful quality reminiscent of Sonic Youth’s chiller tracks, perfect for an early morning tube ride or a quietly depressing smoke break. King Krule’s disaffected baritone certainly adds to the overwhelming Britishness of it all, and that’s a good thing, for once.

Planet Booty “SXFNK”

In case you need to take a quick break from listening to the same three niche sub-genres all day, look no further than the Bay Area’s soul funk machines Planet Booty. Their first single in two years is so relentlessly, deliciously horny (including an actual horn section) that you might have to excuse yourself from your desk to head to the restroom to “appreciate” it in full. “SXFNK” sounds like if Zapp and Tower of Power did a ton of blow, wrote this song, and then had an orgy afterwards. We’re happy to just watch, if they’re cool with that.

 

You are now required by law in most states to save our playlist on Spotify. Be a good citizen for once and oblige.

How to Boycott a Company By Talking About How Bad It Is and That’s It

Posted on by Malia Simon

So your favorite company did something ethically wrong and you want to start a boycott. Congratulations! A lot of people are under the impression that “boycotting” has to involve crazy radical actions like not giving the company any more of your money or not shopping there even when they have cool new stuff you want. Those people are wrong, and you would never be able to stick to an actual boycott for more than three hours anyway. Here is how you can look progressive on social media while doing nothing in real life.

Talk about how bad the company is

The first and only step to boycotting a company is—you guessed it—telling everyone it’s bad. A lot of people claim actions speak louder than words, but those people have clearly never berated their family for ordering from Starbucks before helping themselves to one of their four classic breakfast sandwiches (ordered off of Doordash of course). While you are not making a difference in the world, you are emotionally wearing down your parents, which feels—and tastes—ten times better.

Look up a list of bad companies and boycott the ones you already don’t go to

Fuck you and your business practices, Sodastream. Just for that, we will not be ordering any more countertop seltzer makers. That’s right, we’re completely done with grapefruit flavored sparkling water flavoring drops. You’ll get your hands on our money once you divest from genocide, or once you start making the flavoring drops in better flavors like cherry or lemon-lime, which we have kindly suggested to you in the “Contact Us” form on more than one occasion.

Police Teenage TikTokers about shopping from the company

Why take action yourself when you can kick the burden to TikTok teens who have recently come into internet fame and fear losing public approval more than death itself? The future is in the hands of our generation, and by our generation, we mean internet personas teetering on the edge of cancellation. There is nothing like commenting “Congratulations on funding Bezos’ sweatshop” and watching the apology video roll in while bumping your Amazon music-powered 100ft LED light strips.

Comment vague threats on the company’s Instagram page (which you still follow)

“Hey Papa John’s. You better sleep with one eye open.” Do we even remember what they did wrong? No, but that’s not what’s important here. The important thing is that everyone knows you are willing to do anything it takes to send the company a message—anything but stop hosting your birthday parties there.

Stop going there. Unless you really want to

Of course you are technically allowed to stop buying from the company during your boycott, but we realize there are circumstances that make this step almost impossible—for instance, if they have literally anything you want or even if you’re just tired or bored. Fuck it, maybe go there even more than you did before your boycott. After all, something about the forbiddenness makes Chevron gas even more appealing. Remember you’ve already made a bunch of people you know dread hanging out with you, which was the main objective here.

Only buy from them when there’s a sale

If you insist on doing something, just shop during sale time we guess. Buying something 30% off feels almost like your shoplifting, which puts you in the ranks of all your favorite civic disobedience heroes. You’ll be able to walk out of the store with your head held high knowing that, while you didn’t actually manage to hold to the political positions you aggressively preach, you did get a bunch of new stuff. And at the end of the day, while other people have their moral belief systems to cling to, you have a bunch of fucking stuff. Who’s the real winner here? Last I checked, moral belief systems can’t sync pulsating color-changing lights up to the bass of your music.

Man Whose “Life Is a Movie” Unaware It’s a Documentary About a Loser

Posted on by Traye Holland

SUN PRAIRIE, Wis. — Overconfident white guy Randall Weiss, who frequently proclaims his “life is a movie,” is reportedly ignorant to the fact that said movie is a documentary about a total dud, sources shaking their damn heads confirmed.

“Bro, I’m telling you, sometimes I feel like I’m the main character in a majorly epicsauce story,” said Weiss, apparently unaware of that the director of the upcoming doc “No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue” was making the “keep rolling” motion with her finger. “Every single night I’m grabbing life by the cajones, because all I do is win! I got a sick-ass part-time job at a pet store, 6 hot as hell ex-wives, and an allergy to most forms of gluten – let’s do this! Everybody hates me ‘cause they ain’t me! Oh, I say that one a lot too… Now, watch me dazzle these fine, fine, FOINE chicas over at the bar with my Napoleon Dynamite impression…”

Filmmaker Jessica Salarini is consistently impressed and sickened by her documentary subject’s heroic lack of self-awareness.

“I hate to toot my own horn like this, but I couldn’t have cast this movie any more perfectly. Randall moves through life with such He’s like Mr. Bean if he went around quoting ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ all the time. And quoting it wrong, at that! All I have to do is point a camera at him and he says something so cringe-worthy that Tim Heidecker would be taking notes,” said Salarini, while she edited a montage of Weiss being terrible to various restaurant workers set to “Puttin’ On The Ritz.” “It’s just a shame that filming is coming to an end soon, and I’ll have to get a restraining order put on him just in case. If he calls me ‘mamacita,’ I swear I’ll have him killed.”

Representatives from the Sundance Film Festival are looking forward to the documentary’s inclusion in this year’s proceedings.

“From the early buzz we’ve heard, we expect ‘No Friends, No Future, No Freakin’ Clue’ to join the ranks of ‘American Movie’ and ‘The King of Kong’ in terms of documentaries with ‘guys you’ve gotta get a load of,’ so to say we’re merely excited is a considerable understatement,” said Sundance Head of Programming Eugene Hernandez. “Ms. Salarini should ready her mantle for a plethora of trophies and commendations, which we’ll take the opportunities to fill with mace in case she ever gets hit on by her documentary subject. On that note, we do hope we aren’t required to invite Mr. Weiss to the festival, as we’ve heard his hygiene is sensationally questionable. Man, we can’t wait to watch this flick!”

At press time, Sundance officially deemed the first cut of the documentary “far, far too sad for release.”

Photo by Jeff Owens.

Opinion: “Caress Me Down” Taught Me More Applicable Spanish Than Duolingo

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Hola. Mucho gusto. That means “Hi, pleased to meet you.” Did I learn that from your little fucking owl? ¡No! (That means “No!”). I learned it from one Bradley Nowell. Let me break it down for you, hermana.

All your friends are posting about their Duolingo streaks, but is anyone actually learning anything? No one is talking about the time-tested importance of using a new language in everyday life situations, like when you listen to songs about sucking and fucking by Southern California ska punk band Sublime. They say “use it or lose it” and that means getting off that little app and belting “tenemos un bebe!” in your kitchen while you fuck up the stir fry. It’s true that Duolingo has tratar de improve things by adding a “speak” component, but we all learned from our little ADHD coping packets that putting things to music will help you remember, and that’s why I’ll always know how to say “the thing I like most, is pussy.”

Has Duolingo managed to teach me some things? Sure. Now I know how to say that Marcus lives with his girlfriend in Paris and works in London, but who the fuck do I know that can afford all that back and forth travel? No, I’m much more likely to know people who evade attempted murder and escape to Costa Rica on stolen cash. It has also taught me a great deal about how to ask for sweaters in various colors, but typically I like to speak with as few people as possible while shopping. I’m more of a “tienes que bailar” kinda gal, sabes?

Now, there are some limitations to this method. Like, I accidentally told my friend’s abuela to hand me her panties. And I might have told a business associate that I was their daddy. But any teaching method will require fine-tuning and adjustment periods. And the truth of the matter is, that stupid owl just can’t compete with sick beats.

My suggestion is that the avian overlord get with the times and learn to accept and grow from its limitations. I think they could stand to make a great deal of money from partnering with popular bands and releasing educational, multi-language music about canceled porn stars.