Like millions of Americans, you have probably been enthralled with the recent wave of fairly weird-looking celebrities being labeled as ‘Hot Rodent Men.’ Look, I get it. Guys like Timothée Chalamet are certainly attractive to some, and definitely have vermin-esque features. Beneath those beady eyes and angular chins lies a harrowing darkness, however. Before you make another TikTok about how Mike Faist is ‘low key ugly’ but also ‘vibes,’ you should know the ick-inducing truth.
In the summer of 2005, several of these ‘hot rodent men’ and I were part of a top secret government program known as ‘Operation HRM12.’ The initial goal of this experiment was to create a hyper-intelligent species of rat that could infiltrate the powerful Mole Man society that resides beneath the New York City subway system. We were told the project was imperative to national security. We were almost successful even. Until… the incident occurred.
As our cerebral matter was infused with the ever-growing vermin army, several hundred lab rats started speaking incoherent gibberish before promptly exploding; killing the government’s dreams of conquering the nefarious Mole Man King. Devastated by their loss, the scientists turned their ire toward the humans. We were subjected to numerous tests, ranging from all cheddar diets to experimental neck-building exercises to help us withstand the Mole Men’s various man-sized mouse traps.
To help normalize the horrifying changes to our facial features, those who could take no more were forced to sign NDAs and pursue careers in the entertainment industry. The unlucky few who stayed progressed further into rat-human monstrosities reminiscent of Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Had I not escaped into the sewers, I might be residing in the island colony to which they were exiled.
You’ll have to forgive me for not jumping for joy over this impending ‘Rat Boy Summer.’ While you gawk over Jeremy Allen White, I remember his blood-curdling pleas of lactose-intolerance during the cheddar trials. As you daydream about stuffing Kieran Culkin in your shirt pocket, I revisit memories of him sobbing as he is forced to watch an unreleased episode of “Tom and Jerry” in which the former is brutally clawed to death by the latter on a twelve-hour loop.
I don’t care what gets you off. Now that you know the truth, however, I just want you to think of the human being with .009% rat DNA before objectifying them.
Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.
When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.
Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”
The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”
While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.
When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.
