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How I Celebrated Pride Month By Calling My Gay Cousin Just My Cousin

Pride month is almost over, and you might be wondering how I celebrated these past few weeks. Well, I did what any great ally should do, all month I’ve been calling my gay cousin just my cousin. I love my gay cousin—sorry, my cousin—Jeremy. He came out a few years ago as bisexual. But we all know that’s just a one-way track to getting a train run on you in a truck stop bathroom. He asked if we could go on a cruise, and I told him no-sir-ee! You can’t be doing that in front of the kids! He then shook his head and took my sister on a Regent Seven Seas cruise through the Scandinavian Alps.

You’re asking if I am the only one in our family who calls him “gay cousin” instead of just Jeremy? No, not at all. It’s me, Uncle Lou who has that cool sticker on his car with a snake on a yellow flag and Grandpa Johnson who thinks we should ‘bring back redlining.’ I have to remind him that while it might not be around anymore it’s always with us in spirit.

But hey, pride is beautiful! Love is love. I could go on and on with slogans I’ve seen on t-shirts at Target. It’s the holiest month of the year. Get it? Because glory hole? Like the Troye Sivan song? How do I know who Troye Sivan is? Don’t ask me questions. My kids like to play his songs. He can actually dance so well. Plus hey. I don’t see color. In those logos. Seriously, why did none of those companies do that this year? You guys didn’t? That’s honestly homophobic. And that’s on period, yas queen! Did I use that right?

Hey, little victories, and little changes in habit, they’re all progress. I mean, that’s what my gay cousin always says. I took the kids to pride this year, and they had a lot of fun. The town is called Boystown, that’s so clever! There was a lot going on in the parade that my kids had never seen before so I did have to answer a lot of questions. Like “What is Deloitte?” and “What is Lockheed Martin?” This year, I learned that at the end of the day, my cousin and I, we’re not so different after all. We both go through the back door, if you know what I’m saying. You know what I’m saying? I’m saying that I’m cheating on my wife so I need to make sure she doesn’t catch me. Love is love, am I right?