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Gorilla Biscuits Mascot Released After 35 Years of Captivity in Lower East Side Alleyway

NEW YORK — The giant gorilla mascot for New York hardcore luminaries Gorilla Biscuits was finally released after being held in captivity on the corner of Avenue A and St. Mark’s in lower Manhattan, sources who are suckas with big mouths confirmed.

“I can’t believe it’s been 35 years — time flies! I know it was wrong to have him just stand still there but I had high hopes he was ok. I realize now these are just things we say,” said local aging hardcore scenester Trent Boggins. “Some people say there’s no reason to keep a huge ape on one tiny block while wearing a giant Champion sweatshirt and they might be right but there’s two sides because he did always have that grin on his face so it seems like he was kept there with good intentions. Kinda sad though when you think about how we treat apes and band mascots, I guess cats and dogs really do have all the luck.”

Newer residents to the area who don’t know of Gorilla Biscuits, or how to incorporate their lyrics into a sentence, say they are glad to see the enormous animal leave their neighborhood.

“Yes, I am so happy that big hairy thing is leaving this block. He would just stand there with his arms folded and have his elbows crushing the buildings around him causing damage to my new $2.5 million, 300-square-foot studio apartment,” said advertising executive Jennifer Costa. “I guess this all has something to do with some band? Is it that band Gorillaz? I don’t understand any of this. All I know is I’m a real New Yorker who moved here for the gritty culture in 2022 so I think I know enough to say it’s time for this monkey to go so that I can get to the Chiptotle around the corner.”

Primate expert Sandra Binghampton agrees that it is best for the large gorilla to be released from its urban captivity.

“This really is what’s best for the animal. Many people seem to be confused that the gorilla appeared to be smiling but really showing its teeth in that way is a sign of distress in primates,” said Binghampton. “Luckily we have been able to transport the gorilla to a sanctuary where it can spend its life with other mascots from the New York hardcore scene like the skinless guy on the Leeway album cover and that weird flaming Madball thing.”

At press time sources at the mascot sanctuary confirmed that Gorilla Biscuits had also released the caveman mascot who unfortunately still had a trumpet lodged up his nostril.