30 Fugazi Songs You Have to Pretend to Like More Than “Waiting Room”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Let’s face it, liking a legendary group’s most popular song can make you come across as an unseasoned veteran of a band’s fandom. It’ll look like you just started listening to them last week when in reality you got into them a few months ago. That’s why claiming Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” is their best song is socially risky and a major anthropological faux pas. Luckily, we’ve compiled an esteemed list of tracks you can pretend to like better in order to score those precious Fugazi points we all strive for culturally. (Read along while listening to the playlist, click here)

30. “Bad Mouth” (1989)

The verse on “Bad Mouth” almost feels “Waiting Room” adjacent, so if you’re trying to distance yourself from Fugazi’s most heralded track, this might not be the best option for playing make believe. Too suspect for our purposes, but you could do worse.

29. “KYEO” (1991)

Many consider “A Steady Diet of Nothing” to be Fugazi’s weakest release, which means you can just write all the track names down on little pieces of paper, blindfold yourself, and throw a dart to pick which one is better than “Waiting Room.” We hit “KYEO” on our first try.

28. “Back to Base” (1995)

One of the most effective ways to find your favorite non “Waiting Room” track is to skim every song in their discography for a good 15 seconds to get the gist. That being said, one-seventh of this song definitely rules.

27. “Facet Squared” (1993)

We can thank bassist Joe Lally for presumably coming up with that catchy “Waiting Room” line. It’s so good it almost makes you want to check out their other stuff, like whatever this song is. Your friend that really hates the “Fast & Furious” franchise probably loves this song

26. “Bed For The Scraping” (1995)

One of the core tenets of Fugazi is that their shows only costs five bucks. If anything, this band should reunite so people can have an affordable thing to do on a Wednesday night. In the meantime, we will all have to pay $50 just for socializing outside and pretending “Bed For The Scraping” is their pinnacle. Thanks, Fugazi.

25. “Full Disclosure” (2001)

Many will tell you that Fugazi’s last album is their best, which is rare for a band with six studio albums and a bunch of EPs. This is not something you have to worry about though since we’re only pretending that this is their best release and not whichever one has “Waiting Room.”

24. “Turnover” (1990)

Like “Waiting Room,” this song is the first track on “Repeater.” If you’re trying to look like a real fan by knowing their lesser known songs, the ones that open an album are probably not your best bet. We’re trying to make our musical taste look sophisticated and refined here.

23. “Margin Walker” (1989)

Perhaps more importantly than pretending to like any song better than the main one is the ability to pronounce Guy Picciotto’s last name correctly. Be sure to work on that before starting any Fugazi-related conversations.

22. “Reclamation” (1991)

While we’re on the topic, you should also know that Guy was also in a band called Rites of Spring. That one is pronounced like “Rights of Spring,” presumably.

21. “Bulldog Front” (1989)

This song comes immediately after “Waiting Room” on their creatively titled compilation “13 Songs.” It’s a little too obvious for what we’re going for here, but it’s still better than looking like “that” guy during Fugazi-based discussions.

20. “Repeater” (1990)

This track has the same name as the album it’s on. There are probably more mysterious Fugazi songs to pretend you prefer more than “Waiting Room,” but it’s difficult to choose from looking at song titles alone. This one is still solid though.

19. “Cashout” (2001)

“Waiting Room” is the “Love Will Tear Us Apart” of Fugazi. Characteristically, to be a respected fan of a band, you want to avoid saying your favorite song is their most popular one. That’s why Nirvana’s best song is a demo version of a B-side that was an exclusive bootleg in Japan that only 12 people have actually heard, not “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

18. “Merchandise” (1990)

Fugazi was notoriously against selling merch, so you can’t even really buy a legit shirt of theirs to bypass listening to any of their actual music. Think about us posers for a change, Ian.

17. “Epic Problem” (2001)

Since Fugazi shirts don’t exist, the best you can do is write their band name on a Gildan and call it a day. They really dropped the ball by not having an iconic logo like the Misfits, so those of us that don’t know them can actually look like a fan to strangers by wearing their official apparel.

16. “Styrofoam” (1990)

People seem to love this album, but let’s face it, it’s difficult to make time to listen to all 40 minutes of it when you have all of these Spotify Daily Mixes to catch up on.

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Nation’s Bird Watchers Finally Admit It’s Sexual

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.

“We know we’ve tried to convince everyone that our leisurely pastime where we spend all weekend creeping in the woods with binoculars is just a nice hobby, but it’s time to fess up and admit it simply gets our rocks off,” said President Todd Cornelius as he hid a sizeable bulge in his pants just talking about the subject. “You really thought our devotion to finding elusive beauties like the Antioquia Brushfinch was merely based on an innocent appreciation of their striking plumage? Think again. We’ve got a fever, and the only antidote is lusting after these featured little sluts.”

Eight-two-year-old Kitty LeFarge, who frequents the same park as many of the birders, shared her lingering suspicions.

“My husband Earl and I–God rest his soul–have been coming here for the past fifty years,” stated LeFarge. “At first, we thought these people were just engaging in a fun activity in the great outdoors by enjoying the fresh air and relaxing with nature. But when we observed them a little closer, we noticed that they’d let out a little moan when they spotted a bird that seemed to suit their fancy, then their hands would disappear into their cargo shorts. They should all be put on a watchlist if you ask me.”

John Dryer, manager of a local hobby store, explained that many popular interests are fronts for sexual deviance.

“These are all for perverts,” Dryer said, pointing to his entire inventory. “Bird watching, butterfly chasing, plant identification and even gardening have all been co-opted by sickos. Basically, any hobby that involves being alone outside is a breeding ground for degenerates. Makes you think twice the next time you see your neighbor tending to his favorite begonia bush, knowing he’ll probably try to bang it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mr. Sokowski.”

At press time, the NABL also admitted that the seeds they tempt the birds with are laced with a powerful aphrodisiac.

​​I’m the Guy Who Billy Joel Saw Fuck His Tonic & Gin, AMA!

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.

Q: Why did you call it a “tonic & gin” instead of a “gin & tonic”?

A: This was in the phase of my life when I was trying to coin new ways to say common phrases. For example, I referred to a ham & cheese sandwich as a “cheese ham and sandwich.” None of these caught on, everyone in my life hated it, and I ended up very alone.

Q: How does one “make love” to a cocktail?

A: Ah, my favorite question. It is actually a very involved process. On that particular night, I was served my cocktail in a particularly wide highball glass. So to get the proper pressure and friction, I had to wrap my firm dong in my ballsack much like a bun wraps a hotdog. You then take this bunned sausage and jam it into the glass while screaming “TONIC AND GIN! TONIC AND GIN!” I do my best to keep time with the rhythm of whatever song is playing but the drink is so cold that all caution quickly goes to the wind. Since a proper gin & tonic has plenty of ice, you only have a few seconds to mash your turgid dong in and out before everything goes south.

Q: Have you received any money for being the inspiration of “Piano Man?”

A: No, we muses fuel art but are abandoned once the art starts making money. Girlies, who can relate? Not only do I not get royalties, Billy Joel has never come back to the club. Most people don’t after they see me pork my drink.

Q: According to the song, you were an old man in 1973. How are you still alive?

A: Perverts like me exist outside of time and place. We do not conform to the limitations of the human body; we have transcended such boundaries. We will always be with you, near you, whenever you need help.

Q: Are you still a Billy Joel fan?

A: Never was. I prefer Ronnie Radke.

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene standards at a show for folk-punk band “Sproingus” Wednesday night.

“It was atrocious,” said Sproingus vocalist and “rhythm” guitarist Alex Cromwell. “Vomit everywhere; crying, filthy, unsupervised toddlers; a dude with a head injury screaming about the government–those are all staples of punk shows, and what I expect. And this place had none of them. There were single file ticket lines, security that wasn’t taking part in the mosh pit… I think I even saw someone get carded. I mean you wouldn’t go to a Phish show and then get mad at the people selling nitrous out of balloons. It was disgraceful to the Sproingus name.”

Show-goers such as Athens scene legend Lonny “Long Lankin” Lautrec were all too eager to voice their displeasure.

“I lost my right leg at a Misfits show in ‘83,” said Lautrec, who is best known for a 1987 restraining order filed by the members of REM. “It got torn off by a gang of dudes dressed like they were in ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and then moshed up to the stage. Jerry Only picked it up and started playing it like it was a bass. He even signed it for me. It’s hanging above my fireplace at home. It kills me to think that today’s young punks might not get that same experience. Whiskey Dick’s really dropped the ball.”

For the venue staff, however, the heightened security and orderliness was not meant to ruin anyone’s good time, but simply a response from too many bad experiences.

“We love being a place where Athens punks can come and cut loose,” said bar owner and titular “Dick” Richard McGraw. “But at a certain point, you just have to be mindful. Too many of our shows have ended with some poor janitor having to go into the bathroom with a hose because someone wrote ‘party girls don’t get hurt’ on the bathroom wall in feces. We all want to be punks. But what does that mean? Is the punk rock lifestyle about being nasty and gross and vulgar? No! It’s about following the rules and staying safe. That’s how everybody has a good time.”

At press time, Sproingus was packing their gear into the 2005 Pontiac Aztek with malfunctioning airbags which serves as their tour bus.

Top 20 Oasis Songs for Starting a Lifelong Argument with Your Brother

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Winter is coming back to Michigan. The stench of the dogfood factory won’t leave your clothes. But at least Oasis is back together! Time to pretend it’s ‘90s London once again. Britpop is back, baby! Gotta nab those tickets somehow, but it begs the question – who do you bring? Perhaps your older brother Kyle, who loves them as much as you do, but you two absolutely cannot stand each other’s company for more than a half hour. Then again, you are a social recluse with few friends or contacts. Reminisce over your favorite 20 Oasis songs and possibly open a can of shit worms by sending an innocuous Oasis-related text to your brother! (Listen to the playlist, click here)

20. “Wonderwall”

This was a rare bonding moment for you and your brother. Once on a bus, a busker was singing this very song, only to be derided by a drunk mob begging him to play anything else. Instead of letting the busker feel demoralized, you and your brother loudly joined, singing the entirety of “Wonderwall” on repeat for the entire bus route home. This included well past your exit, even after the busker got off. In fact, you’re not allowed to ride local transit anymore. You’re known as “The Wonderwall Boys,” there are photos of you distributed. You’d take Ubers but they’re so expensive and your job at the dogfood factory hasn’t quite blossomed into the career you were hoping for.

19. “Live Forever”

The 1994 debut album kicked off a lifelong fascination with Britpop between you and your brother. You remember when he used to pretend to have a British accent on family vacations, trying to act mysterious and from Manchester before having his cover blown by your parents. He’s still mad for the supposed cockblock you pulled on him in Disneyland. It comes up way too frequently, you actually worry that he’s not getting out much and blames you as the root for his social ineptitude.

18. “Don’t Look Back in Anger”

The one that kicked off the lifelong feud. Your brother is convinced that this is about a woman named “Sally Canwait” but sophisticated gents like yourself know this is about a woman named “Sally Can” simply being told to wait. See the difference? Anyone can see that. This fight led to a shove through a glass porch window and an altercation in front of neighbors, all while this song blasted on a loop throughout the entire cul de sac.

17. “Stand By Me”

In retrospect, the band’s third album ‘Be Here Now’ has aged well in comparison to 21st century efforts, but you’ve been here since the beginning. This familiar tune was playing when your brother pissed on burger patties you were barbecuing Fourth of July 2015. You forget the initial kernel that inspired the fight, but he completely ruined a barbecue spread you had going. You remember throwing urine-soaked charred meat at him, eventually tackling him into a swimming pool as guests politely left. This song is not on the regular rotation, firmly on the “No Play” list due to the memories conjured.

16. “Supersonic”

The reunion comes as a surprise, especially since Liam balked at ever showing up to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2024. You and your brother frequent the local dive bar, after clearing up arguments. The most recent outing came from saying “I’m feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic” over twenty times to the bartender, your brother insisting you pipe down before a fistfight ensued. Of course you both reconciled at the same bar before another brawl broke out, ad infinitum, time being a flat circle and all, caught in our dang own cycles like Oedipus with an Oasis haircut.

15. “The Masterplan”

The B-Side to “Wonderwall” was one of your favorite inclusions in their 1998 compilation album, played on repeat, mostly to drive your brother insane. By now he’d given up on Oasis, written them off as a “has been,” but you were still devoted. Kept the haircut. Had the poster taped up. Eagerly awaited news of their next tour. It was at this point that your brother got into “butt rock” post-grunge wave, a decision that has aged poorly in comparison and which you still won’t let him live down at family functions. Asking “Where’s your Puddle of Mudd shirt?” will trigger his blind rage.

14. “Half the World Away”

After you studied abroad in Amsterdam, you had a celebratory return dinner where all friends and family were invited. Much like their 1996 MTV Unplugged, your brother declined to show up due to laryngitis, only to appear several booths over smoking, drinking, and singing along with other high school hooligans. When you tried to confront your brother over the incident, he put tater tots into his ears and shouted Oasis lyrics. Unfortunately this led to a slap fight in front of your entire family, but at least you ate for free at Denny’s that night (while never being allowed to return to the Traverse City location again.)

13. “Cigarettes & Alcohol”

Your drunken wandering into howling snowstorms for booze and Camels has led to encounters with local reporters coming up to you and your brother wrestling in the middle of the road, blocking snow-plows, arguing about who is more “rock and roll.” In fact, your arguments in front of reporters are not dissimilar to the infamous 1994 argument “Wibbling Rivalry” recording (credited to Oas*s) of Liam and Noel shouting in front of a NME reporter. Your recorded argument has twice as many “shut ups” and “bullshits,” with a handful offhanded “Ya think you’re better than me?” jabs thrown in (and for some reason, sobbing).

12. “Talk Tonight”

More like, avoid talking tonight. Your brother owes you an apology. He stole your Oasis shirt! You know, the black one with the rectangular logo in the center. He stretched it out, left salty sweat stains, ripped the armpits and gave it lingering B.O. stench. What are you gonna do, go out into public without your Oasis shirt? Might as well die. Or hit him in the head with a hammer, but you wouldn’t want to endow him with musical abilities (seriously, this is how Liam learned to appreciate music, a hammer whack to the head – look it up).

11. “The Importance of Being Idle”

Just like the Gallagher brother skirmish at the Whiskey a Go-Go, you and your brother have been banned from most local music venues. This is due to excessive yelling over who will pay for beers, screaming requests at the band, light pickpocketing, and general anti-social behavior. You’ve begun to visit the smaller, DIY venues just to see live music again, usually wearing a disguise of some sort, trying to “be idle” per this track off the sixth Oasis album, 2006’s ‘Don’t Believe the Truth’. Problem is: you still pick fights with strangers, because they remind you of your stupid brother.

10. “Married with Children”

While you noticed everyone around you was getting married, having children, you thought it would be funny to spend your days consistently tweeting out photos of your rotund brother with the caption “Potato” over and over again. The relentless campaign came to a head when your brother drove over from the catfood factory to the dogfood factory to smash your windshield with a crate of potatoes. Luckily no one could understand his shouting through the windows due to his terrible attempt at a Mancunian accent.

9. “Go Let It Out”

Much like the broken guitar that represented the (second) end of Oasis in Paris onstage in 2009, you still have the broken Gameboy remnants that your brother smashed after losing a bout of Pokémon. The beautiful lime-green Gameboy bits are in a plastic bag with the other smashed memories of your childhood, including a cracked CD case for the fourth Oasis album ‘Standing on the Shoulder of Giants’. Why do you save these trinkets and mementos of pain from the past? To keep your hate for your brother alive, like the eternal flame at JFK’s grave.

8. “She’s Electric”

It’s thought that the sibling rivalry between Liam and Noel goes back to an early teen incident of Liam drunkenly peeing on Noel’s stereo. In a strange twist of events, your brother has a similar beef. It all started when you came home and took a steaming shit on his iPod speaker dock. He used to blast the second Oasis album ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ on repeat from those speakers. You weren’t even drunk, it was just a quick thoughtless decision. In fact, your brother’s anger is pretty justifiable. You’d offer to get him a new iPod speaker dock, but that’s an antique at this point.

7. “Magic Pie”

The one time you did actually get to see Oasis in 2009, your brother chanted “Magic Pie” until security escorted him out. Unfortunately he was your ride home, so you two had the opportunity to argue outside the stadium while the crowd roared along to Oasis. It hurts your soul to know you missed their final tour because of your brother’s shitty antics. Which is why you’re so happy they’ll be touring again. Time to pick up extra shifts at the dogfood factory!

6. “Cast No Shadow”

One of Liam Gallagher’s favorite songs. You love singing this one in the car, on any occasion: to the grocer, to the pub, to the post office, behind a karaoke mic with your hands clasped behind your back. Unfortunately your older brother is enraged whenever you begin songs a capella. “Leave it to the greats,” he chimes in. What does he know about music? Of course this kicks up a nasty fistfight. Anyone that happens to be with you becomes the Paul ‘Bonehead’ Arthurs of the scenario, the persistent third victim, witness to brotherly bantering.

5. “Going Nowhere”

Like your brother’s life and future, going nowhere. But you, you’re different, pal. You’ve got a fast-track to middle management at the dogfood factory. Just another 22 years, as soon as Gus the Assistant Director retires. And the owner doesn’t care for you, which is why you don’t even bother trying to impress him, instead spending lunch jamming out to this song in your car, pounding Hamm’s, hiding the cans in your trunk. Sometimes your brother even joins, but he hasn’t been invited back since getting into a fight with the parking lot security officer.

4. “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Much like Noel Gallagher eventually needing to form his own band High Flying Birds (famously redubbed as “High Flying Turds” by Liam), you decide to move out of your parent’s home and rent a studio apartment above the Domino’s on Main Street. Your brother, jealous of the newfound respect you’ve earned over such adult decisions, has moved into the apartment above the vape cartridge outlet store across the street. Every night he makes lewd gestures out his window or sophomoric hand puppets against his curtains. The truth is that this crippling sibling rivalry has led to many nights of crying alone, as cited in this song from the fifth Oasis album, 2002’s ‘Heathen Chemistry’ – just make sure your brother never finds out. He’d beat your ass if he found out you secretly loved him so much. Keep those feelings squashed way down and maintain that toxic masculine posture, king.

3. “Sad Song (Mauldeth Road West Demo, Nov ‘92)”

Much like founding Oasis drummer Tony McCaroll, your brother was there for formative early moments in your life. There are fond memories, even stellar jam sessions together, but that was until he broke your acoustic guitar and blamed it on a meteorite. Really? A meteorite, in Michigan? He maintains this lie to this very day. Not great at being confronted with wrongdoing, sticking to his guns until the very end. That’s OK: you keyed his Nissan, but blamed it on a ghost. It’s like any relationship one has to endure: the mutually accepted lies to keep cordial familiarity afloat.

2. “Champagne Supernova”

Guided by the steady bass of the enigmatic Paul McGuigan, this is a song half-familiar to infants and senior citizens alike, part of the wallpaper of modern public life. Like air, it’s everywhere. But you admit an honest kernel to your brother, one which sends him into a rage: you’ve never cared for this song. It’s a bit treacly, self-indulgent at 7 minutes, also just so overplayed. Never been a fan of the harmonium. You jump to skip this track at every occurrence, knowing this will begin a weeklong feud with your brother.

1. “I’m Outta Time”

You remember ‘Dig Out Your Soul’ was released in 2008, from the most recent Oasis album. Your brother raced home from his job at the catfood plant to purchase this vinyl. It was the last time you two bonded. Unfortunately, this was the only song you could both agree on liking, instead opting to separately nitpick the entire album. This debate ended up in tables overturned and you thrown through a screen door. Unlike the infamous cricket bat used in the 1995 Gallagher studio skirmish, a wooden broom that just happened to be laying around did some serious damage to your brother’s shins. In fact, there is trauma associated with this track. Better to maybe just play Blur tonight.

Check out the full palylist, save it, revisit it when you are down:

Transformers Ranked by How Likely They’ll Transform Into a Cybertruck

Posted on by Dan Rice

A lot of the Transformers we know and love have changed over the years. Some of those changes make sense, like cosmetic updates to their disguised vehicle forms to help them blend in. Other changes make no sense, like how a bunch of them became racist caricatures for the Michael Bay movies.

Since the Cybertruck is basically the Michael Bay movie of cars, it seems likely that for better or worse one of our favorite Autobots or Decepticons will become one, but who? We’ve ranked all the fan-favorite robots in disguise to determine which one is most likely to take part in the most nauseating cross-promotion of all time.

30. Jazz

Of all the Autobots, Jazz loved human culture the most. The key word there is “culture,” not a word that comes to mind when looking at a car that resembles PS1 graphics come to life. To quote the man himself “Do it with style or don’t bother doing it.” While Jazz the Robot is canonically deceased and voice actor Scattman Crothers is for real deceased, we doubt the Cybertruck would meet either one’s definition of “style.”

29. Arcee

While Elon Musk undoubtedly applauds Arcee for introducing gender to the cybertronian race, there’s no way in hell he’s going to let his car be a girl.

28. Optimus Prime

“Autobots, it looks like it might rain today, activate wash mode so you don’t permanently shut down and roll out!” See, that just doesn’t seem like something a leader would say. Or, like, how a car should work. Besides, he’s already died once before, the last thing Optimus needs is an accelerator that sticks.

27. Hound

Hound loves the earth more than any transformer, preferring it to his home world of Cybertron. He secretly desires to become human. The only thing less human than a Cybertruck would be Elon Musk himself, so he’s a hard pass.

26. Wheeljack

Wheeljack is the Autobot’s chief scientist, inventor, and weapons designer, and the most proficient driver in car mode. He wouldn’t be caught dead as a Cybertruck, but he does love watching the clip of its bulletproof glass shattering to lift his spirit whenever he feels fucking dumb.

25. Bumblebee

He’s the cutest transformer, and he knows it. Bumblebee is extremely aware of his personal brand and wouldn’t be caught dead associating with Musk, it just wouldn’t bode well with his demo. The last the Bee needs is another Shia in his life.

24. Ultra Magnus

Ultra Magnus is a dedicated soldier who rose to become 2nd in command of the Autobots. He was briefly the leader, but, recognizing his own shortcomings in that role, voluntarily passed the matrix of leadership down to Hot Rod. His selflessness, self-awareness, and willingness to sacrifice his own gain for the greater good are completely antithetical to all things Elon.

23. Omega Supreme

Omega Supreme was actually the original name of the Cybertruck before the Tesla board talked Musk out of it. Anyway, he’ll stick to being a badass truck with rocket launchers please, and thank you.

22. Hot Rod

Initially a souped-up sports car, Hot Rod became Rodimus Prime after succeeding Optimus as leader of the Autobots and assumed the car form of a futuristic truck. But like, a real futuristic truck, not an embarrassing behemoth that can’t even get windshield wipers right. He’s all set.

21. Soundwave

This dude is still rocking cassette tapes, so it’s unlikely he’s got enough tech-bro in him to become a Cybertruck.

20. Ratchet

Ratchet is the chief medical officer of the Autobots, meaning it’s extremely important that he gets to where he needs to be as quickly as possible. He doesn’t have time to be getting recalled every two months because it turns out his door handle stabs people or some shit.

19. Grimlock

He’s the leader of the Dinobots who, like Elon Musk, struggles with pronouns due to a lack of processing power. Though his current disguise form is that of a tyrannosaurus rex, Grimlock doesn’t want to become a Cybertruck for fear that it will make him stick out too much.

18. Sideswipe

No way. Sideswipe already has a sweet jetpack and can travel to space. Sure, Elon Musk can do that too, but Sideswipe can also land without exploding.

17. Ironhide

Ironhide is known for his strength and resiliance, so he’s unlikely to transform into a vehicle with bulletproof glass that a baseball can somehow shatter.

16. Brawl

Brawl already is the tank that sad-sack Cybertruck drivers like to pretend their car is.

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Drake Pretty Sure He Has an In at Trader Joe’s Until He Can Get Back on His Feet

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.

“People are gonna forget about this whole thing by winter, it’s no big deal. I figure I can just pick up a few shifts and get health insurance until I release my next album,” said Drake, who has been rumored to have asked Vanilla Ice for a feature or two. “I got a friend from back in my Degrassi era who works there and it looks pretty fun according to his Insta. I’m sure he’ll text me back any day now and I’ll shoot over a resume, which is just a photo of my awards. Oh, man. Should I change that and make a real one?”

An employee at a Los Angeles Trader Joe’s offered advice on aspiring actors and musicians who attempt to bolster their financial situation until they “make it.”

“I’ve seen it a million times–some hotshot comes in and thinks they are just gonna work for the summer until they get a record deal. Then suddenly four years pass before the blink of an eye,” recounted Renee Kaine, longtime manager of the Sunset Strip Trader Joe’s and its in-house polycule. “I don’t know who this Drake guy is, but I hope he’s ready to stock some shelves. I put my employees to work! And I swear if he tries to get any customers to check out his SoundCloud, his ass is kicked to the curb.”

Fellow rappers expressed sympathy and consolation for Drake’s difficult situation.

“I let him sleep on my couch for two nights, but he thought it was turning into a long-term thing so I had to kick him the fuck out,” said Future, who is suing Drake for being the weak link on their collaboration “What a Time to Be Alive.” “I took pity on him at first, but at a certain point you gotta take a long look in the mirror, take an unsafe dosage of percocet, and turn things around yourself. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, get a job or something.”

At press time, reports indicate that someone strongly resembling Drake was seen passing out CD-R mixtapes near the Santa Monica pier.

I Was Legally Dead for Five Minutes and All I Saw Was a Little Man Dancing To Cool Jazz in a Weird Red Room

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

A month ago today, I was hit by a minivan in a Golden Corral parking lot. A tunnel of white light enveloped me with a warm puppy-like comfort. I didn’t plan to die that day, but I respect God’s plan for me. The light grew brighter and warmer before it shattered like one of those dang hippie lava lamps and I felt my body become solid again.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a room. Now this wasn’t just any room; red curtains surrounded the premises, three leather easy chairs, a few lamps, and a naked statue of the homeliest woman I ever saw. This was heaven?

I sat on one of the easy chairs and waited for what couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like several years. I heard the footsteps of what sounded like a child, but in danced this tiny man.

“Excuse me, sir, where’s Saint Peter?” I asked.

He smiled and in the oddest backward voice said, “I am the arm of Saint Peter. He had the strangest voice, like he was speaking backward but I understood him?

He snapped his finger and some gosh darn beatnik jazz music played.

“Let’s rock.” He snapped again and I lost control over my body. Please don’t tell my wife, but I danced with this strange little man. Was this what death is? I wasn’t sure until we sat back down and he said, “Hold out your hands”.

“Garbonzia”, he said. Then, a creamed corn-like sludge fell from above into my hands and he ate it out of my hands like a goat in a petting zoo.

Things got a bit spooky when a gaunt, stringy man with long, grey hair crawled from underneath the curtain and leaped onto me. He screamed and nibbled on my ear with a little too much pressure.

Again, please don’t tell my wife about this, she’ll insist I go to therapy again.

I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then a giant kraut the height of two Larry Birds rubbed my shoulder and told me, “See you again in twenty-five years.”

I woke up in the ICU and learned I was legally dead for five minutes. For years, when anyone asked about my near-death experience, I just told them about the warm white light; I couldn’t bear to ruin folks’ preconceived notions about hell.

Smashing Pumpkins Fan Furious Smashing Pumpkins Released a Good Album in 2024

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band’s latest release, “Aghori Mhori Mei,” is actually pretty darn good, enraged sources confirm.

“I had resigned myself to making fun of Billy Corgan for the rest of my life. I mean, as a lifelong fan of the band it’s been my solemn duty to mock him for decades now. I never expected to hear something decent from them again, let alone something that takes me back to the glory days,” Tom Wilkins, 42, lamented, after angrily buying the album on vinyl. “I was ready to tear into this shit on the Smashing Pumpkins subreddit. But then I played ‘Pentagrams’ and ‘Sighommi,’ and I… I like it, like really like it. And my god, that pisses me off.”

The confusion among fans hasn’t gone unnoticed by frontman Billy Corgan, who, in a rare moment of self-awareness, issued a formal apology to his supporters.

“I’m truly sorry for this album. I really don’t know what came over me. I know you’ve come to expect a certain level of mediocrity from our work, and I’ve let you down,” Corgan stated during a press conference. “From here on out, I’ll stick to what I do best: wrestling, and maybe releasing a double album of ambient noise. Rest assured, our next project will be so banal and inscrutable, even I won’t understand it. I’ve learned my lesson and it won’t happen again.”

University of Chicago Music Historian Dr. Alice DeLuca weighed in on this type of emotional reaction from fans.

“Historically, bands that achieve massive success in their early years tend to decline steeply, and their newer music is, at best, ignored by their fanbase and, at worst, lambasted by them,” Dr. DeLuca explained. “The fact that Smashing Pumpkins managed to pull off a solid album in 2024 is unsettling for many. It disrupts the natural order, where we expect nothing but mediocrity and nostalgia-fueled disappointment from aging rock stars.”

To restore balance to the universe, Corgan quickly announced his latest project: a spoken-word album of improvised poetry set to the sound of trains passing in the distance.

Back to School: Ranking the Best Horror Movies To Give Students the Vigilance They’ll Need To Survive

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s never been a more dangerous time to be a young American. School shootings have been steadily on the rise in this country, and shooters are catching wise to the fact that schools “sit under your desk and wait for the police to not show up” policy doesn’t slow them down the way we thought it would.

Literal bullets aren’t the only bullets kids need to dodge these days. There’s abusive faculty to contend with, rampant crackpot educational reform, dwindling resources for public schools, and of course Florida, where we’re pretty sure an orangutan can become a principal if it can prove it supported Trump.

Fear not boys and ghouls, The Hard Times has a curriculum way more useful than any bullshit mandatory U.S. history and bible studies class that’s going to be rammed down your throat this year. We’ve compiled a list of the top 40 horror movies set at schools that will not only entertain you while you and your friends discover pot, but they’ll also help instill the constant vigilance today’s children all need to survive!

40. Fear Street Part One: 1994 (2021)

Aside from teaching you about the horrors of class disparity, which by 7th grade you should already be well versed in, this movie has nothing to offer. Did R.L. Stine even go to high school? Some of these kids are addicted to drugs. What drugs, you ask? Just drugs, nameless assorted drugs of all different shapes and bright colors that they eat by the handful. The movie doesn’t even have a “Don’t do drugs” message, they’re just there to show you that this is a serious adult movie from the guy who wrote all the “Goosebumps” books. You can skip this lesson.

39. Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)

We’ve seen this movie a dozen times and still have no idea what the plot is. Don’t smoke radioactive weed? You probably weren’t going to but like, okay, good, DON’T.

38. Dance of the Dead (2008)

The terrible script and cheap production values of an early ’00s Disney-made-for-TV movie lull you into a false sense of security and then BAM, hardcore gore! While its bizarre tonal shift may help kids come to terms with the fact that they are quickly leaving childhood behind and entering the adult world, it ranks low by portraying the weirdo right-wing militant gym teacher as a hero. In real life that dude will not have your back no matter what’s going on.

37. Twilight (2008)

Not really a horror movie, not really a good movie, but at least it drives home an important message. If you’re a high school student, never be afraid to ask a dude “Wait, how old are you?”

36. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)

Not really a lesson to be learned from this one, or even a plot really, even by David Lynch standards. You wanna be one of the kids who watches it though.

35. I Was a Teenage Zombie (1987)

This movie will prepare high school freshmen for a horror they are sure to face at least once in the next four years: at some point, you are going to be encouraged to do a video project. You and your friends will get all excited, you’ll think you’re all being so funny, and then you get to the editing and realize just how hard it is to make a movie. It will be a disaster, the acting will be cringe, and some of it will be so problematic that you’ll need to scrub every copy if you ever want to run for office, but at the end of the day, it looks like everyone in this movie had fun doing it and so will you, so we rank it low.

34. Happy Death Day (2017)

Two important lessons here, number one: plagiarism works! You can take someone else’s original, fully formed idea, say “Groundhog Day,” do it incredibly worse, and people will say “This is actually kind of smart and good.” Second lesson: School is, for the most part, a seemingly endless repetitive nightmare. Good luck.

33. Teen Wolf” (1985)

If you turn out to be a werewolf, and transforming into said werewolf makes you popular and good at sports, fuck that, just be yourself. That is the lesson of the movie “Teen Wolf,” and it’s not terribly useful to most of you, but there’s gotta be at least one kid out there going through “The change” (into a wolf specifically) that needs to hear it.

32. Cherry Falls (1999)

It’s your typical high school slasher movie with a twist—the killer only targets virgins! Not a whole lot to learn here but we guess it’s sort of good for kids to know that you don’t need genre literacy or more than one idea to make a whole movie.

31. Chronicle (2012)

This high school set found footage horror/superhero mashup teaches a timeless lesson—absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially if that power is given to some freakin nerd. Look at Elon Musk.

30. Black Christmas (1974)

The phenomenon of people living inside the walls and attics of stranger’s homes has been on the rise in recent years, or at least getting more attention on the internet. If you’re going to secretly live in someone’s house, doesn’t an off-campus dorm make the most sense? Strangers are already in and out of there all the time, keeping weird hours, people coming and going all hours of the night, you probably don’t even need to hide really just act like you know someone and whoever spots you in the kitchen will just shrug. If you’re living with a bunch of students maybe screen this movie and try to pitch some sort of safety rules.

29. Monster Squad (1987)

Extracurricular clubs are a great way to find your tribe, and while the after-school anime club is unlikely to save your small town from Dracula, you’ll watch cool stuff and meet people who may be your friends for years to come. Plus if your shitty town ever is invaded by say a tentacle monster or an evil wizard in a school uniform or whatever, you’ll be the first kids they call.

28. Jennifer’s Body (1999)

This movie is a crash course for two of the biggest obstacles high school students will face, toxic friendships and really contrived dialogue.

27. Ma (2019)

The sooner you learn the cool older person who buys you beer and, hey, even lets you drink it at their house, maybe ISN’T that cool, the better off you will be.

26. Urban Legend (1998)

Any given high school has a ton of local legends. A lot of them are bullshit ghost stories like “Yeah, some kid killed himself in the hall C bathroom and now there’s a ghost in there!” Some of them, however, like “The volleyball coach gets kinda handsy,” you’re going to want to pay attention to.

25. Disturbing Behavior (1998)

A poignant film with a lot of social commentary, but the main takeaway is that no matter what they do to mold you, condition you, and brainwash you into becoming a model American citizen, you’re going to get horny and become a monster and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

24. Once Bitten (1985)

Fellas, if you’re a high school student who’s never gotten laid and some rich smokeshow lady is dead set on taking your virginity, she is at best dangerously unstable and at worst a vampire queen who wants to feast on you to retain her eternal youth. Either way, it won’t end well.

23. Class of 1984 (1982)

You wanna know the scariest thing about high school? Look in the mirror pal! That’s right it’s YOU! You with your GANGS, you with your prostitution drug cartels you run out of the basement at punk clubs, you with your random acts of violence and murder, despite your genius level intellect and piano prodigy skills, you are the FUTURE! WAKE UP CONSERVATIVE AMERICA!!!

22. The Craft (1996)

If you’re about to go into high school and you already read The Hard Times, chances are pretty high you’re going to make some witchy friends, and that’s great. Just be on watch because every witchy clique has one member who wants to take things a little too far. Talking about cursing the math teacher is all well and good but once you see actual blood, even if it is just from a chicken, it’s time to stop hanging out with Tabitha.

21. Scream (1996)

When you’re a high school student, can you ever really trust anyone? As “Scream” will teach you, categorically no. There is danger around every corner, everyone is a suspect, and a ton of people want to take your virginity for reasons that are varying levels of nefarious. At least in movies, there are rules. Good luck kids!

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