BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed sources who refused to even make eye contact with the salad.
“I mean, it was an ambitious mix of arugula, spinach, kale, shredded carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, roasted red peppers, and sunflower seeds, but coworkers focused on roast beef sliders, shrimp cocktail, and an extravagant dessert bar featuring mini cheesecakes and chocolate mousse cups,” said Caplan. “Meanwhile, I’ve already had two salesmen ask me where I get protein while they both had brownie stains on their shirts. I feel almost like it’s my responsibility to consume these greens to be polite. I don’t even want more salad, but at this point, I feel like I have to prove something.”
Linda Palmer, the self-proclaimed “office mom” and party chairperson, expressed confusion over the salad’s rejection.
“I thought everyone likes salad! It’s healthy, it’s light—perfect for a party,” said Palmer, gesturing to the colorful but largely ignored platter. “I thought about taking a little bit but, you know, I had the baby back ribs and filet mignon instead. Jackie can have it. I asked if she would have some fish since she’s vegetarian or something, and she said no. Then I offered up chicken as a vegan option, but she won’t consume that either. Apparently, she can only eat salad and nothing else.”
Experts note that the phenomenon of uneaten salads at office parties is all too common.
“Fruits and vegetables are often bought out of obligation, not demand,” said Dr. Ruchi Moorjani, a sociologist specializing in workplace culture. “When no one eats it, vegans are left feeling guilted into overcompensating, as if they’re personally responsible for the salad’s existence. It’s like meat eaters don’t understand that vegans actually consume a variety of foods as part of their diets and if they just tried, they’d learn that they actually eat more than just iceberg lettuce. Sure, I’m not sure what else they exactly eat, but I have to imagine there are other foods out there for them.”
At press time, Jackie was seen awkwardly maneuvering a full platter of carrots, broccoli, and celery onto her bus home out of obligation.
Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?
Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.
Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.
Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.
Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.
Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.
Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.
We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.
Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.
This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.
He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.
This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!
This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!
Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.
We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.
