Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Quarantined Ken Burns Finally Has Enough Time to Get Around to Watching Ken Burns’ ‘The Civil War’

Posted on May 21, 2020 by Collin Brown

WALPOLE, N.H. — Finding himself with much more free time while social distancing, award-winning documentarian Ken Burns has finally found enough free time to watch his acclaimed Emmy-winning documentary, The Civil War, sources confirmed.

“I know most people might find it hard to believe, but I’ve never actually had the time to sit down and watch this one after I made it,” said Burns, dusting off his original VHS box set of the series before finally opening the factory shrinkwrap it came in. “Being a documentarian is hard work and you don’t have a lot of time to stop and relax. By the time I finished making [The Civil War] I had to start on my next piece, but I’m actually really excited to finally get to sit down and watch it. I’ve heard some really good things about it from my dad.”

Burns’s family say that although it’s nice to have him at home all the time, they are concerned that he might become overly fixated on his work.

“I guess it’s nice that he has an appreciation for something he made himself, but there’s a good chance he’ll dig into Baseball once he’s finished with The Civil War, and then I think there won’t be any going back. He has this habit of getting fixated on things and then just focusing on them for a really long time. Where do you think he got the idea for the Ken Burns effect from?”

At press time, Burns was shocked after finally opening the VHS box set.

“Jesus, how many tapes is this thing? Nine? Who ever had the time to watch this before now?”

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

HBO Execs Convinced to Release Snyder Cut After Realizing All Their Mothers’ Names Are Martha

Posted on May 21, 2020 by Jacques Mouledoux

BURBANK, Calif. — Top HBO executives became convinced to release the famous “Snyder Cut” of 2017’s Justice League after realizing at a recent board meeting that all of their mothers are named Martha, sources at the meeting confirmed.

“When Katie Soo casually remarked, in regards to Justice League’s commercial failure, that her mother Martha would always say to let sleeping dogs lie, it sent shockwaves through the room,” said HBO Chief Content Officer Kevin Reilly. “I had never seriously considered releasing Zack Snyder’s incomplete edit of the film, but after we one by one revealed that each of our mothers were also named Martha, I ordered post-production to begin immediately.”

According to multiple sources, discovering that all their mothers shared the same name caused such a stir that several board members completely dissociated from reality.

“I suddenly found myself in a grim, oversaturated graveyard at night. I was holding a handful of cheap flowers and staring at my mother’s tombstone,” said Executive Vice-President Michael Quigley. “I didn’t know how I got there; I only knew that it was worth spending twenty million dollars to let Zack Snyder complete his original vision for Justice League.”

Senior Vice-President Katie Soo, who sparked the table-wide epiphany, was as blown away as anyone.

“I was shocked, inspired, and growling ‘Martha’ over and over again in an unnaturally deep voice. It was like my life before this revelation had all been lies, chief among them that Joss Whedon hadn’t completely ruined Snyder’s film.”

At press time, the board members were in the process of approving the budget for a completely overhauled final season of Game of Thrones after realizing that they all love Dr. Pepper.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Skywriter Forced to Make Ends Meet with Chemtrails Gig

Posted on May 21, 2020 by Tom Peters

DALLAS — Local small aircraft pilot Skippy Barnes is supplementing his skywriting income with a clandestine, government-backed chemical-spraying side gig, high-level sources demanding anonymity confirmed.

“I thought writing, ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ in the sky with airplane smoke was a recession-proof job,” said Barnes. “But it turns out it’s one of the first things to go during a crisis. Thankfully, nefarious government plots never go out of style, and as a small business owner, I know when to pivot. A couple of my pilot buddies who’ve been keeping UFOs a secret hooked me up with the gig. I may be sterilizing the general public, but at least I’m still flying. And it beats delivering Grubhub.”

For those watching from the ground, Barnes’ job transition has been less than smooth.

“I hired him to skywrite my marriage proposal about a week after lockdown, but he got his tanks mixed up and accidentally wrote, ‘MARRY ME SUE’ in liquid strontium,” said client Paul Pfistern. “She said yes, but changed her mind a few days later when our hair started falling out. I should’ve gotten the message last year when she said no to my Jumbotron proposal. That was an embarrassing night. Mark Cuban laughed at me — you just can’t live something like that down.”

CIA director Gina Haspel explained that chemtrails operations have spiked in the months since the public health and economic crises began.

“It’s been a real boon on our end,” Haspel said. “With so many commercial pilots looking for work and everyone else stuck inside not watching the skies, we’ve been able to hit our weather modification quota two weeks ahead of schedule. Looks like hurricane season is coming early this year! And since everyone is watching the same exact crap on television, it’s even easier to program hidden messages into Netflix shows to keep people in line. We really should’ve thought of this earlier. ”

Barnes was last seen seeding a cloud with sun-blocking agents while walking on the wing of his plane.

Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked

Posted on May 21, 2020 by Ed Saincome

All people must unify now! Dammit, this virus doesn’t care what your race is! It will harm you and your loved ones indiscriminately. The United States government, on the other hand, targets certain groups with frightening specificity so no matter what some of you are fucked.

The virus is colorblind. The US government has the color palette of a Home Depot paint aisle and you better pray you don’t fall on the wrong side of eggshell.

The virus also doesn’t care what gender you are. However, the US government sure does. In positions of power, women are far underrepresented, and non-binary individuals are nearly absent! The virus doesn’t care though. It will infect 100 percent of you even if the United States government only thinks you deserve 70.

The virus doesn’t care what religion you are. Granted, Alex Jones did say no Scientologists have died from it but he’s only right like half the time. Either way, the US government may boast about religious freedoms but some religions are given much greater tax relief and support during these times, leaving others to fend for themselves. But the virus does not discriminate.

If we’re gonna get through this together we need to unite. In every classic zombie story there’s a point of realization that the petty squabbles of our previous lives no longer matter. There’s no more left vs right. No democrat versus republican. There is only the living against the dead. That’s what our situation is. It’s us against the parasites. But also the government is clearly “against” some of us? Hm.

Maybe this is more like when the hero teams up with a villain to take down an even bigger villain. And as much as I’d like us to team with the other humans on this one, I’m betting the Coronavirus has better reasoning skills than our president.

Silver lining, looks like the virus will accept you no matter who you are! At least now we know for sure that a parasitic virus has more integrity than the United States government.

Annoying Drunk Girl at Show Now Just Annoying Drunk Girl at Home

Posted on May 21, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Mattie Foster, known for her drunken outbursts at shows, is now simply loud and wasted at home due to Los Angeles’ continued “Safer-at-Home” order, fed up sources confirmed.

“Woooooooooo! You’re all a bunch of fuckin’ pussies, and you can suck my fucking dick,” yelled Foster from the living room she shares with two friends. “I could beat the shit out of every one of you ugly mother fuckers, and there ain’t nothing you could do about it.”

“I’ve already watched this stupid television show. Play a fuckin’ different show! ‘Better Call Saul’ fuckin’ suuuuuucks, duuude,” she added. “Which one of you little wieners wants to buy me a drink? Get a fucking clue, loser. Do you even know who my fucking father is?”

Foster’s roommates admit their patience is wearing very thin.

“Mattie is usually one of the sweetest and caring people around, but as soon as she starts drinking, she turns into a totally different person. Every few days since March, she’ll start a ‘Spotify Emo Night’ in the kitchen, get blackout drunk and then try to fight me,” said longtime friend and roommate Emi Yuen. “I was on a Zoom call with my team at work last Wednesday, and she burst into my room totally hammered and tried to tell me about the time she fed a turtle a carrot. And when I told her to give me 15 minutes, she started yelling about how she could ‘knock me out with one punch,’ and then later I found her crying in the bathroom. It sucks.”

Annoying drunks all over the country are struggling to stay motivated to tell long, rambling stories to strangers and start fights while stuck at home.

“Let me… let me tell you a little something about this whole ‘pandemic,’ O.K.? At first everyone was like, ‘Oh no, I’m gonna die, the big, bad, scary bug is gonna kill my lungs,’ but now everyone is like, ‘Lemme eat the bug so I can go dance,’ and I get it, I get it,” slurred Damon Lapinski while drinking heavily at 10 a.m. “But I get it — my neighbor already called the cops on me because I threw a basketball at his ugly kid. Not my fault the kid is a fat baby who can’t catch.”

Drunks are allegedly not alone in their hardship, as experts claim the nation’s collection of guys who “start pits for no apparent reason” are struggling just as much in quarantine.

Lonely Tony Hawk Swears He Landed a 20,000

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ENCINITAS, Calif. — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk has reportedly been telling friends and fans that he landed a “20,000,” a physically impossible trick where one spins in a full circle 55.56 times before landing.

“I really landed a 20,000,” said Hawk, when pressed about the statement. “I was on the halfpipe in a public skatepark and I got a ton of air off of one jump. So I grabbed and just started spinning until I spun exactly 500 ninths of a circle. And yeah, that’s right, I said public skatepark. No one recognized me. No one paid attention. No one friggin’ cares about me, anymore. Sorry you missed it, but it’s true. I hit a 20,000.”

Those close to Hawk say that this is not the first time the skateboarder has claimed to have done an impossible trick for attention.

“Whenever he gets lonely, Tony starts to make up tricks he did. I think part of him is still chasing the high he got from hitting that first 900. But a 900 is not a 20,000,” said Hawk’s wife, Catherine Goodman. “At least this time it sounded like a real trick. In the past, he would just make up names. A few months ago, he swore to me that he landed a ‘twisty misty nose mc mister flip.’ Not a thing! He couldn’t even describe it when I questioned him. Now I just say, ‘that’s nice sweetie,’ and let him have his moment.”

“Tony is always going to act out as long as people at airports don’t recognize him,” she added. “So get used to it.”

At press time, Activision sent a cease and desist letter to Hawk, who kept insisting there were remasters of his games Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1 and Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 coming out this fall, despite no evidence of that happening.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Board Game Your Friends Never Want to Play Adapted Into Video Game Your Friends Never Want to Play

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Aaron Weerasinghe

KANSAS CITY — Reports are coming in that the board game you spent $60 on that your friends never want to play recently launched an official video game adaptation, which your friends also have absolutely no interest in playing.

Despite your insistence that “this is great” and that “everyone will be down to play online since we’re stuck at home,” reports indicate that you are naively deluding yourself, and that you wasted $60 on a video game port of a game your friends actively avoid playing at all costs.

Since launch, multiple sources have confirmed receiving a link to the game’s Steam page on Discord, along with your message insisting that “everyone just needs to get their own copy and we’ll be ready to play!” To date, none have replied.

“Oh God, not this again. We shoot this game down whenever it’s brought up; it just seems too damn complicated and no one wants to sit through an hour-long explanation of the rules and the lore, which is apparently integral to the game mechanics,” said your close friend Jamie Nguyen, adding that all your other friends feel the same way and wish you would just give it a rest. “Seriously, the port is another $60? Why can’t we just play Overwatch or something? I really, really hope that if we just ignore this message, [you] might finally get the hint this time.”

Eyewitnesses say that, by press time, you already dropped $90 on the Friends & Family bundle as well as the additional expansion content, and that you had posted the online room code in the group chat.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Help! My Boyfriend’s OCD Isn’t the Kind Where He Cleans Everything

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Goodrich Gevaart

Let me start by saying I love my quirky boyfriend. When we met he told me he had obsessive-compulsive disorder. He said OCD is a disorder where someone has intrusive thoughts often about loved ones dying or the world ending (obsessions) that make people act on them in strange and cumbersome ways to make the thoughts go away (compulsions). I stopped him right there to let him know I knew all about OCD. I’ve watched Monk. I told him that I would be there to support him in his disorder that makes him clean everything really good.

He said his OCD has hurt his dating life. Honestly, how is that not a benefit?! Unfortunately, I realized that, sadly, my boyfriend doesn’t have the kind of OCD that makes you clean everything.

Pray for me.

Despite my tragedy, I was determined to make it work. We went to doctors, psychologists, the “Monk” subreddit—we tried everything! Alas, my boyfriend was still not the psychologically damaged vacuum cleaner I know he can be.

Had the show “Monk” lied to me? Have all shows named “Monk” lied to me?? My world was turned upside down. That was when our breakthrough happened. My boyfriend found a great therapist, began sessions, and worked to treat his symptoms with a combination of exposure therapy and medication! But he still didn’t clean the house great. He did okay but not what I was looking for in a partner. That’s when our break up happened.

I’m not going to make the same mistake again. This time I found a guy with the actual disorder that makes you good at cleaning: borderline personality disorder. Nothing but smooth sailing and clean floors ahead.

Quarantined Couple Break Up After Disastrous First Conversation Together

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Amir Adan

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — A quarantined couple stuck in the same house under self-isolation since March ended their one-and-a-half year-long relationship after a grueling, tedious, and exhausting first conversation together, a mutual friend confirms.

“I’ve been seeing Pete pretty seriously for a while now, and I guess I didn’t realize that we’ve never actually talked about anything, ever. I couldn’t believe how difficult it was to speak to him — it wasn’t even just one word answers, it was like one-syllable responses before it eventually just devolved into a series of grunts, ” said an upset Melissa Scott. “I guess I just always assumed we had things in common, but thinking back, all we ever did was drink together and have sex. Sex isn’t a hobby, right? Can I say that was a common interest? I think we watched some movies, too.”

Now ex-boyfriend Peter Howarth was sad to end the relationship, but also understands why the breakup needed to happen.

“I mean, I get it. I’m just so confused right now, though,” said Howarth. “Everything was going great, between the sex and the drinking… but she’s just so boring, and talking to her is so painful. Since when did talking to your live-in partner become a thing? Who cares where someone was born? She asked me what my mom’s name was at one point, too. Is a girlfriend supposed to know that? I’m so lost.”

Friend of the couple Jamie Watkowski was shocked by the couple’s breakup

“I’ve known them for years separately, and was close with both of them when they started dating… and I guess I just assumed they were like any other couple,” Watkowski said. “I should’ve known something was up, though, when I was with Mel birthday shopping for Pete last year and she got him a journal. That’s like, ‘I don’t actually know this person at all 101,’ right there. Can’t believe I didn’t spot that sooner.”

According to friends and neighbors, the two are currently engaged in their second conversation to find out who will be taking out the garbage later today.

Quiz: Anal Cunt Song Title or Harry Potter Quote?

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Brendan Kelly

The Harry Potter series has produced some of the most popular and beloved epic novels and films in history. Likewise, Anal Cunt, beloved Massachusetts grindcore band, has left a similarly sized stain on modern pop culture. Both JK Rowling and Seth Putnam have iconic legacies and, turns out, they’re more similar than you may expect at first glance. Whether you’re a die hard Potterhead or a decorated member of the Cunt Punchers, this is the quiz for you! So let’s get started. Is it a Harry Potter Quote, or an Anal Cunt song title?

[wpViralQuiz id=99423]

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