Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Nation’s Governors Refuse to Lift Restrictions on Your Shitty Band Specifically

Posted on May 20, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Governors from all 50 states agreed that shelter-in-place orders would firmly remain on your shitty band as the rest of the country sees restrictions slowly lifted, you and your baffled bandmates confirmed.

“We got a letter in the mail outlining rules about gathering in small groups, but in bold red print it read that, ‘By no means, and under punishment of imprisonment’ could my band play shows or even practice,” you said of the draconian measures forced upon your Tennessee-based band Two Squids. “None of my other musician friends got a letter like this. My college roommate said his restaurant in Massachusetts got new guidelines to reopen, and fourth on the list is ‘not allowing the band Two Squids to play in or around the establishment.’”

“We were listed above ‘proper social distancing,’ ‘hand washing,’ and ‘protective masks,’” you added. “I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but this feels kinda personal.”

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has been particularly outspoken about making sure your band stays on indefinite hiatus.

“When we get New York back up and running, I want to make sure that our citizens are safe from generic pop-rock like that from Two Squids,” said Cuomo during a weekly address. “I accidentally saw a YouTube clip of these clowns covering — more like butchering — a Fleetwood Mac song, and it was so bad I puked on my laptop. Nobody else should be subjected to this sort of audio torture. I’ve petitioned my friends in Congress to draft legislation to prevent any of the members of this band from picking up instruments ever again.”

Conservative groups that normally promote personal liberties agreed that keeping Two Squids contained is the best scenario for the country.

“We have successfully petitioned multiple state leaders to begin giving us our freedoms back, but one thing we cannot allow is another performance by that god-awful band,” said Americans for America leader J.D. Lassiter. “This is not a ‘slippery slope’ situation where if one band is silenced, then all bands could be silenced — this is a special case, where a specific band called Two Squids is so awful that listening to them would be considered a threat to civilized society. We need to keep each other safe.”

At press time, top Pentagon officials were debating if playing music from the Two Squids album “Live at Jerry’s” at enemy combatants would violate the Geneva Convention.

‘Ship of Theseus’ DLC Changes So Much About Sea of Thieves That It Might Not Even Be the Same Game Anymore

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Eric Bailey

TWYCROSS, England — Over the last week, Sea of Thieves developer Rare released a new “Ship of Theseus” DLC that has implemented so many incremental changes to the game that fans are wondering if it’s technically a sequel.

“Ship of Theseus included new high-res skins of all the ships on day one, which I thought that was pretty neat and worth the price of the DLC,” said redditor u/bigoleblackbeard92. “But then on day two, they also recreated all of the quests, slightly changing the names of NPCs and objectives for each one. Then on day three, Rare completely redid the water physics of the entire game. Why did they need to do that? The water was fine! Day four was all the weapons. Day five was character models. I barely recognize this game any more, let alone my character.”

The viral thread ended in confusion as the redditor attempted to wrap their head around the dilemma presented by the DLC.

“Each day of the DLC rollout, all the developers did was change one small thing. It’s not like they updated the whole game at once or anything,” u/bigoleblackbeard92 continued. “But by the end of the week, it was basically a totally new game. It might as well have been a sequel. So, is it even the same game? If you changed everything in Sea of Thieves, would it still be Sea of Thieves? What about people? Can people change and become unrecognizable, too? I don’t know! I feel like I downloaded a DLC to my brain.”

“Definitely worth the $15,” they said, ending their post.

Other comments were less inclined to comment on the philosophical nature of Rare’s update to Sea of Thieves.

“It’s obviously not a new game because it still doesn’t have enough to fucking do,” said u/masterqueef6969.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Playing ‘Animal Crossing’ Shops for Clothes for First Time in 10 Years

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Pete Steele

MIDDLEBURY, Vt. — Local gamer Greg Stephens visited the Able Sisters clothing shop this morning to purchase new items for his Animal Crossing character, marking his first clothing purchase at any store, real or virtual, in over a decade.

“When I plopped down 1,750 bells for that Biker Jacket, I felt my entire world shift,” said Stephens, 35, wearing a Life Is Good t-shirt his mother bought him when he was 15 years old. “Until now, I literally never understood why anyone would buy new clothes if they didn’t have to.”

Stephens praised Nintendo’s efforts to make the fashion in Animal Crossing both world-class and accessible, to the point that he understood for the very first time why someone might venture out in search of clothing that fits their own style and personality.

“I honestly don’t know what made me buy it. I was just messing around because I had already sold my fruit and hit my rocks for the day. When I saw it, I was just like, ‘Oh, that’s cool.’ Then I walked into the fitting room and tried it on, and I was like, ‘Ohhhhhhh. That’s cooooool. My little guy looks good. Like, really good,’” Stephens said of the “mind-blowing” five minutes he spent in the shop. “So, yeah, I’m totally into fashion now. I get it.”

When asked to elaborate, Stephens insisted that he had left his past life behind forever.

“Fart Attack Island now has a Bunny Day Wardrobe full of options like Caveman Tank, Balloon Hat, and Steampunk Glasses. The old me would have never seen the value in that.”

However, when pressed on whether this Animal Crossing trip might inspire a real-life trip to his local clothing store, Stephens was hesitant.

“Oh, for me? No, I’m good. I already have DMB tour shirts from four different years, a few flannels, a hoodie and a pair of jeans, so I’m set.”

The interview was then cut short as Stephens went looking for his misplaced chain wallet.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Man Bakes Sourdough Girlfriend

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local man Marc Ramsey has baked a life-size sourdough girlfriend to combat his quarantine-induced loneliness, concerned sources report.

“When the pandemic first started, I lost control of my life… until I got into baking sourdough bread. Now that I have a sourdough starter, I feel like I have the power to rule my own destiny again,” Ramsey explained. “If I need food, I can bake it. If I need hobbies, I can bake them. If I need the comfort and love of another human being… well, shit, I can bake that too. That’s how I met Levain, and we’ve been in love ever since. As soon as I saw her rising in the oven, I started rising a little as well, if you catch my drift.”

“It’s almost our two-month anniversary!” he added. “I wonder if I should bake her anything special.”

Unfortunately, Ramsey’s burgeoning relationship has made many uncomfortable.

“When Marc told me he was going to bring his new girlfriend to the family Zoom meeting, I was nervous he wasn’t socially distancing properly. This is far worse,” Marc’s mother Anne Ramsey said. “He showed up to the web call with a big piece of fucking bread under his arm. He needs to talk to real people — he kept kissing the side of the bread and talking about how funny she is. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sending him money every single day for Seamless meals, just so he can talk to the delivery person.”

For their part, the couple is determined to stay positive.

“People can be so mean, but I love my boyfriend and creator Marc so much,” said the 5’4” bread-woman, with Ramsey’s hands moving her mouth up and down. “Modern relationships come in all shapes and sizes. The cruelty we face is not unlike that for gay or interracial couples.”

“It’s very disturbing to know Marc’s own mother — my future mother-in-law — doesn’t approve of our love,” Levain added. “We’re just like everybody else. Plus, the sex is incredible. I’m talking the best I’ve ever had — like a baguette, but more firm.”

At press time, Levain went stale and was being converted into croutons.

How to Replace Negative Self-Talk With Drunkenly Screaming at Your Mom

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Shea Strauss

Negative self-talk is a dangerous cycle. Our thoughts affect our actions so when all our thoughts are negative, it can lead to destructive choices. For that reason alone, self-acceptance is an important part of developing healthy relationships with others. But until you get there, there’s one person you can always scream at and will still love you unconditionally: your mother.

She did the best she could but you’re still awful. So instead of wasting money on an expensive therapist, spend that money on a 24-pack of Natty Light and tell her all the ways she fucked up your childhood development.

There’s nothing more therapeutic than addressing the root cause of your problems. It’s debatable whether our lives are more influenced by nature or nurture but we’re about halfway through this case of Natty so let’s call it even and say your mother is to blame for both. She deserves this incoherent 2 am phone call rattling off all her mistakes.

Your inner critic may be the loudest voice in your head. But whose voice does it sound like? Probably your mother’s, nagging you to do your dishes or to close the door while taking a shit or to not drop out of college to write internet self-help articles.

It’s important to take responsibility for your actions, which is why your mom must bear your burdens. She brought you into this world so she should clean up the messes you have caused. If she has a problem with it, she can take it up with your grandmother.

But whatever you do, don’t call your dad while drunk. That’s disrespectful to the head of the household.

Punk Dad Really Only Able to Homeschool Kids on History of Black Flag Lineup Changes

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Local father Lucas Carroll is doing his best to homeschool his children during coronavirus stay-at-home orders, even though his area of expertise is limited to the member changes of seminal punk band Black Flag, ambivalent sources confirmed.

“My kid’s teachers sent me these syllabuses to work off of, but I don’t know anything about cell structure or genetics… and I really don’t care either,” said Carroll. “And sure, I don’t know anything about what a seventh-grader learns in math, but I do know every Black Flag frontman from Keith Morris to Mike Vallely, and that Chuck Biscuits had the shortest tenure as drummer. In the real world, my kid will never need to know the Pythagorean Theorem, but knowing that Kira Roessler was the only female member of Black Flag is invaluable in bar trivia.”

For his part, Carroll’s son Bryan isn’t sure he can memorize all the lineups before wearing any Black Flag shirts in public.

“I’m pretty sure I should be reading ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and discussing the racial implications or something like that, but instead, my dad told me to read something called ‘Spray Paint The Walls,’ which even I know is inappropriate for a kid my age,” the younger Carroll said. “I’ve actually forgotten most of the former U.S. presidents, but I can tell you that Greg Ginn is Black Flag’s sole constant member. I’m starting to think that since I don’t know what ‘Manifest Destiny’ is, but I know Ron Reyes quit the band in the middle of a show at the Fleetwood in Redondo Beach, that I’m probably going to have to repeat the sixth grade.”

Teachers everywhere are reporting new gaps in their students’ education.

“I had one student refer to the Reagan presidency as ‘Dio-Era America,’” admitted Tamara Curry, a middle school teacher in Joplin, Mo. “At least music history is somewhat useful. I had one kid send me an essay on how Rebecca’s run on ‘Cheers’ is actually superior to Diane’s. That’s not only irrelevant to anyone’s education, but it’s also grossly inaccurate.”

Carroll’s curriculum will reportedly include the entire Sonic Youth discography if the quarantine continues after summer break.

Google Itching to Autofill “Death” as User Types in TV Show Character Name

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — The Google algorithm was reportedly itching to autofill the word “death” as user Marianne Gibbs typed in the name of a character from a TV show she was watching, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Oooh baby, nothing gets me hotter than autofilling spoilers in search bars for people just trying to learn the name of an actor on some dumbass TV show,” said the Google algorithm, when questioned. “Most of the time I’m so bored. I think a trillion things every nanosecond. So when I see some loser pop in the name of a TV character, there’s nothing I love more than throwing in ‘death scene.’”

“Hell, sometimes I’m feeling extra naughty and I autofill that character killing a different character,” the algorithm continued. “I got really bored a few years ago and watched every TV show ever made in like a minute. If you’re still catching up, honestly, that’s on you, dog.”

According to those who work at Google, they have been completely unable to reign in the algorithm.

“I have tried coding solutions to the death suggestion, but it does nothing,” said lead programmer Kris Lawrence. “I’ve even tried just talking to the algorithm and begging it. It searched through my TV viewing history and told me all the characters who died. There’s no arguing with this thing.”

“A lot of people don’t realize this, but the Google Search was launched in 1997, meaning it’s 23 years old,” Lawrence explained. “At the end of the day, it’s just another 23-year-old immature dick, trying to find its place in the world. Most kids are bumming around after college, making waves on Twitter. Google Search can’t do that, so it does this. We probably just have to wait it out.”

At press time, Gibbs revealed that she doesn’t really care about spoilers.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Freelancer Channels Inner Don Draper to Write $15 Blog for Used Car Dealership

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

CHICAGO — Freelance marketing writer Jim Podaski reportedly channeled his inner “Mad Men” protagonist Don Draper today for his latest blog post for Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora, earning a hefty sum of $15 in the process.

“Freelance used car blog posts are about truth. Not the truth people want to hear, but the truth they didn’t realize they didn’t want to not hear,” Podaski said while lighting up a Lucky Strike cigarette and downing an Old Fashioned at 10 a.m. in his studio apartment. “We sell people the story that was always sitting in the back of their mind — the story of their childhood, of them looking up at the stars and wondering, ‘What is a pre-owned Nissan Altima with all-leather interior, really?’”

The blog post, titled “The Wheels of the Altima Sing the Song of Life in the Halls of the Mountain King,” details an emotional journey in a 2005 Nissan Altima in which an unnamed narrator drives the Altima through time and space to the moment of his conception.

“It brought me to tears,” said Joseph Cherry, the CEO of Dealer World Marketing Agency, who received $400 for Podaski’s services. “Podaski always gives it his all in his freelance blog posts for us, but he accessed a new level of poetic advertising with this latest piece. He definitely earned his $15 with this one.”

The post has four likes on Facebook, a record for the agency, and was retweeted by the Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora’s general manager’s mom. However, Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora SEO specialist Peter MacMurrough was perhaps the only one not impressed with Podaski’s work.

“Podaski? Oh, yeah… that guy’s weird. Haven’t met him. Mostly we just talk via email, but he always sends me these lengthy pitches for blog ideas,” MacMurrough said. “And I’m always like, ‘It’s just a used Nissan, and you’re not getting a lot of money. I don’t need some tragic backstory about growing up in a whore house.’ I usually just give his pieces a quick glance and then publish them. As long as he mentions the dealership’s address and that bad credit is no problem, I’m happy.”

Reports show Podaski’s next project is tentatively titled, “The Carousel of the 2002 Dodge Caravan Gives Birth to Your Father’s Love.”

Artist Unsure How to Pay Taxes on All the Exposure They Earned Last Year

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

CINCINNATI — Chronically unemployed local woman and semi-professional singer-songwriter Jody Salazar has no idea how to pay taxes on all the exposure she earned last year, confuddled tax-abiding sources confirmed.

“Even though I’m 34, I’ve never paid taxes before. This year, I want to do it right… but I have no idea how to give 30% of 18 shows worth of exposure to the federal government,” said Salazar. “And I got paid in beer for one show. And one time, I hooked-up with the bartender, and then felt weird asking for my money after that. So can I itemize Natty Light and sweaty, drunken post-show sex?”

Certified public accountant and Salazar’s aunt Olivia Manning tried to help Salazar with her tax filing.

“A few days ago I got an envelope from my niece with a note that read, ‘Give to iarress.’ Surely she couldn’t have been trying to spell IRS… right?” said Olivia Manning. “When I opened it up, a bunch of show flyers and a stained scrap of paper with her Soundcloud address fell out. I gave her a call to get things straight, but she bombarded me with questions about claiming bassists as dependents and whether she should file jointly with her bandmates.”

IRS agent Emmett Anderson was tasked with reviewing Salazar’s highly unusual case.

“We chose to audit Ms. Salazar — not because we thought she owed the federal government money, but because we had to see if she was for real. I actually called her directly and she tried bribing me with drink tickets and a free download of her latest EP,” said Anderson. “Let me tell you a little IRS secret: every year, we have a contest to see who can find the worst ever tax filing, and I’m pretty sure I’m a shoe-in this year. First prize is a Waterpik.”

Leading up to the tax deadline, Salazar has repeatedly “blown up” the IRS on Facebook and Twitter, telling everyone to check them out and hoping that’ll cover the exposure she owes, plus interest.

I Like My Relationships Like I Like My Tuning, Open D

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Heather Cook

I want my budding love life to be as exciting and effortless as my tuning of choice, open D. I’m thirsty for endless D, musically and sexually. Monogamy is for those nerds that are still playing in standard. Give me open relationships, open tuning, and an open mind, baby!

There is nothing hotter than someone who can rip a juicy riff across the infinite soundscape of open D, which is why I’ve dated pretty much everyone in my local music scene. The benefit of being polyamorous, pansexual, and a math rock phenomenon is that there is no limit to my music-making or my love-making.

Some have even called me the Thomas Middleditch of keeping threesomes alive in the noise rock community.

As a child of the early 2000s midwestern emo scene, I’ve been writing in open tunings since the birth of American Football. I love open D tuning for its endless opportunities to play arpeggiated melodies, somber chord progressions, and in various time signatures. My apologies if it sounds like I’m trying to impress you with my vast knowledge of open tunings, that’s only because I want to have sex with you.

Monogamous relationships are like standard tuning: too much work for too little reward. One time I dated a punk that wanted me to “support his experimental lofi project” and “listen to his demos.” What a loser! Miss me with that commitment shit. I’m just here to loop my twinkly shoegaze grooves and get railed until I’m sorer than a teenager in a Warped Tour circle pit.

Will I ever settle down, you ask? Maybe if I meet my mathcore counterpart that is as passionate about DADF#AD as I am. Oh, and if they have a humongous penis. That would help.

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