NEW YORK — Local man Marc Ramsey has baked a life-size sourdough girlfriend to combat his quarantine-induced loneliness, concerned sources report.
“When the pandemic first started, I lost control of my life… until I got into baking sourdough bread. Now that I have a sourdough starter, I feel like I have the power to rule my own destiny again,” Ramsey explained. “If I need food, I can bake it. If I need hobbies, I can bake them. If I need the comfort and love of another human being… well, shit, I can bake that too. That’s how I met Levain, and we’ve been in love ever since. As soon as I saw her rising in the oven, I started rising a little as well, if you catch my drift.”
“It’s almost our two-month anniversary!” he added. “I wonder if I should bake her anything special.”
Unfortunately, Ramsey’s burgeoning relationship has made many uncomfortable.
“When Marc told me he was going to bring his new girlfriend to the family Zoom meeting, I was nervous he wasn’t socially distancing properly. This is far worse,” Marc’s mother Anne Ramsey said. “He showed up to the web call with a big piece of fucking bread under his arm. He needs to talk to real people — he kept kissing the side of the bread and talking about how funny she is. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sending him money every single day for Seamless meals, just so he can talk to the delivery person.”
For their part, the couple is determined to stay positive.
“People can be so mean, but I love my boyfriend and creator Marc so much,” said the 5’4” bread-woman, with Ramsey’s hands moving her mouth up and down. “Modern relationships come in all shapes and sizes. The cruelty we face is not unlike that for gay or interracial couples.”
“It’s very disturbing to know Marc’s own mother — my future mother-in-law — doesn’t approve of our love,” Levain added. “We’re just like everybody else. Plus, the sex is incredible. I’m talking the best I’ve ever had — like a baguette, but more firm.”
At press time, Levain went stale and was being converted into croutons.