Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

At Least After All This Is Over, Everything Will Be Much, Much Worse

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Freelancer

In these strange and uncertain times, it seems like the world we once knew is gone for good. But hey, hang in there! This pandemic won’t last forever. One day, this will all be over, and things will be different. Specifically, they’re gonna be worse. So much worse. Bad.

We are going to get through this together! One day, we’ll make up for all the missed weddings, birthday parties, and high school proms. We’ll get those college seniors their graduation ceremonies. I mean, yeah, they’ll be graduating into an emaciated job market writhing in the aftermath of the steepest economic downturn since The Great Depression, but we can probably sew together some burlap caps and gowns or something.

We may not have a vaccine now, but there are multiple vaccines in human trials as we speak! Some of them from privately-owned companies, who will capitalize on the drug as much as possible and wipe out loads of poor people sparking an outright physical class war.

And besides, the war won’t last long because the cure won’t last long. Coronavirus is bound to mutate and start the whole thing over again! But, again, don’t even sweat it, because we don’t even have the cure to the first one yet.

Technically, yes, in the likely event that a second wave hits in the fall, COVID-19 hospitalizations will probably coincide with cases of the seasonal flu, placing tremendous strain on an already beleaguered healthcare system. But at least when that’s over we’ll have a bunch of dead doctors and medicine as we know can be set back by decades!

Sure the food supply chain is breaking down before our very eyes at a time when widespread unemployment is making more and more people reliant on food banks. But just think, soon it will be totally normal to eat fucking bugs. Not for wealthy people but, you know, for us.

There is no future. This pandemic has shown “faith in humanity” to be a mere shadow on a cave wall as we watch the impotent remnants of our stooge government’s bloated corpse try and fail to contain a pathologically narcissistic populace from genociding itself just so they can get haircuts and drink Keystone Light on a dirty beach. One day, we may leave quarantine, but we will never truly be free.

Oh and, you know, climate change.

Punk Census Confirms Local Scene to be Like, Seven People

Posted on May 25, 2020 by V.F. Thompson

LANSING, Mich. — A new punk census surveyed scenes across the nation gauging the health of local DIY communities, and alarmingly found the numbers everywhere to be at an all-time low.

“I’ve been volunteering as a punk census worker since the early ’90s, and the job used to take you to some really bad neighborhoods of abandoned warehouses and various squats… but now those same places are luxury condos,” said surveyor Kim Halloway, with an official census taker patch stitched to her jacket with dental floss. “It feels like only yesterday there were four different basement shows a night you could go to and get completely hammered — now it seems like everyone has either OD’d, grown up, or moved to a bigger city.”

Shockingly, many of those surveyed had little to no interest in participating.

“I mean, what the fuck is the point of this dumb questionaire? It makes you check a box if you’re a crust punk or a street punk, and it’s all bullshit, man,” said local punk Sam Miester. “The whole thing is a fucking joke. Why do they need to know how much money my parents make? And there’s no real incentive to fill this out — all you get is one free drink ticket for a PBR, but they send it to you like, four years from now.”

Halloway’s supervisor and Lansing show promoter Darrel Brinkman admitted this year’s results were particularly alarming.

“Yeah, this is very bad. Typically the punk census is a good way to gauge which cities punk bands should hit on tour, and we’re basically a ghost town,” said Brinkman. “But now we’re going to have to find different ways of generating interest in live events — most people surveyed were over 35 and admitted they don’t want to risk injury moshing, so it looks like we’re going to have to start booking emo dance nights that end at 10 p.m. to start generating money.”

Punk census officials admitted that participation levels might be lower than in past years following a disastrous ad campaign featuring Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 that made many self-identifying punks disavow any ties to punk culture.

Christian Speedrunning Community Argues Any% Begins at the Loading Screen

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Dave Cross

BOSTON — Christian speedrunning group ReveRuns posted a declaration today, titled “Life Begins at Loading,” which makes an impassioned plea that all speedruns should begin at the point the level is being loaded, and not merely the point at which the player begins controlling the characters on screen.

“Did you know that at 20%, basic audio, lighting and polygonal elements are already in place?” ReveRuns spokesperson Stephen Clements elaborated. “What kind of person would cancel a level when it’s already that far along? We think it is painfully obvious that a game truly begins at its loading screen, and to act otherwise spits in the face of the designer’s will.”

The essay was met with great resistance from many members of the speedrunning community who felt that the burden of when to start keeping time should fall squarely on the player.

“This group is ignoring so many Socioeconomic factors like the length of load times, the number of levels to load and the decision whether to even start a level!” argued popular speedrunner and streamer NRaaL1969. “It’s completely unfair to give an advantage to one runner over another, simply because they’re running a different kind of computer in a different part of the world.”

The community at-large had no comment on today’s developments, as the post was quickly overtaken by the discovery of an Unreal Engine glitch that could decrease run times by as many as 0.0001 seconds. Undeterred, Clements continued his crusade, sharing details of ReveRuns next plan; an appeal to developers to prevent any loading interruptions past 66%, except in cases where a gamer was forced to load a level, or if they loaded a co-op game with their uncle.

Asked how his speedruns have been affected by this policy change, Clements responded, “Oh, I cancel all the time. I set the policy but this is just for female gamers.”

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Boyfriend Apologizes for Load Time

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Recent sexual partner Nathan Stenhouse has released an apology for his unacceptably short load time during last night’s love making session with girlfriend Sally Wright.

“I am truly, deeply sorry for any disappointment my short load time caused you,” read a statement sent via PS Plus to SallyValley, after he’d retreated home in shame following last night’s underwhelming sex match. “I know load time is crucial to a satisfying co-op experience, and I selfishly pursued my own objective and ultimately just came everywhere. For that, I apologize.”

Wright stated that this was merely the latest in a long series of disappointments from the relationship.

“It’s always something with that asshole,” she said, of her on again off again boyfriend of the last six months. “He brought his ‘squad’ to meet my parents, and he refuses to let me bring wired toys into the bedroom. What is that? The load times have to be the worst part, tough. Whenever we try to have sex, he talks a big game, and then he just rushes in and blows it everywhere and leaves me to fend for myself if I expect anything to get accomplished. What kind of partner does that? If he can’t do something about these load times, I think i’ll just go back to using my computer.”

Stenhouse’s apology went on to promise that he was working on some new features that ought to keep new installments in the love making franchise from becoming stale and uninspired.

“Recent advances in romantic technology are rendered useless with such a criminally short load time,” he said. “I am researching some things to help develop a longer load time for this next iteration of love making. It will also include seamless position transfers, as well as the ability to interact with the surrounding environment. I thank you for your continued support in the development of my sexual routine, which I anticipate will please you for years to come.”

Update: Wright has delayed their next sexual rendezvous until an unannounced date later this year.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Strong Independent Woman Gaslights Self

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

LOS ANGELES — Psychologists at UCLA announced a breakthrough discovery today in the case study of Allie Terrell, a strong, independent woman who was able to successfully gaslight herself without any male involvement.

Psychiatric expert Dr. Ivette Tanaka, reported the breakthrough study today, indicating the possibility that some women are so independent they are able to psychologically abuse themselves; a role typically reserved for the men in their lives.

“Statistically speaking, our female patients who report ‘feeling crazy’ have typically arrived at that conclusion after involvement with a man,” Dr. Tanaka said. “Usually a boyfriend, spouse, older brother, a landlord. Any insecure male with a meaningless title, really. Yet Ms. Terrell has managed to completely believe that all of her emotional responses are wrong, all on her own.”

Terrell’s boss, Miles Murray, reports being impressed with her ability to have such a dysfunctional relationship with herself while maintaining peak job performance.

“Allie’s laser-like focus on treating herself like garbage and maintaining self-doubt, all while nailing the Johnson account, make her a force to be reckoned with,” Murray said. “The men on our team would never be able to scream at themselves in the single-stall bathroom for 30 minutes and then step into the boardroom and cold-sell a pitch deck to our shareholders. She truly is a strong, stoic beacon of self-loathing.”

Many women have put off marriage and childrearing to advance in their careers. Terrell is part of a growing number of women who are going a step further.

“Whats a man going to do for me anyway?” Terrell asked. “Hurt me? Lie to me? Make me think I’m crazy? I can do that all on my own, thanks. And on the days where I’m too drained to verbally abuse myself, thankfully I have a strong network of toxic friends and family who are always there to fill my head with doubt.”

At press time, Terrell was preparing a Facebook post in an attempt to cancel herself.

Leaked Joe Rogan Contract Reveals He Is First Adequately Compensated Artist on Spotify

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Goodrich Gevaart

LOS ANGELES — Popular podcast host Joe Rogan is set to become the first-ever artist played on the Spotify platform to be properly compensated, thanks to an agreement for the exclusive rights to his show “The Joe Rogan Experience,” according to leaked documents outlining the deal.

“I was very surprised when I saw the numbers,” said Michael Levine, an entertainment lawyer specializing in podcast law. “Not that Joe isn’t worth it — he’s got the biggest podcast in the world right now. I’m just used to my artists receiving .006 cents per stream. There is no doubt in my mind that Spotify could pay all of their artists more, but instead, they spent a boatload of money on this show where the main topics of conversation are how strong chimpanzees are and DMT.”

Rogan hopes his deal with Spotify will be positive for fellow podcasters and musicians alike.

“I’ve always heard musicians talking about how Spotify is ripping them off, but I’ve never had any issues with the company — their executives parked a dump truck full of money on my front lawn and said I just have to keep doing what I’m doing. Sounds good to me,” said Rogan between bong rips at his Woodland Hills studio archery range. “And I want to make it clear to everyone: the show is not going to change. Episodes will still be three hours or longer, there will still be long awkward pauses while I read something on a computer, and most importantly, I will still invite people like Jordan Peterson on and not question them critically. It’s what people love most about the show.”

Rogan’s new contract has other artists hopeful they too can get a boost in their payment from the platform.

“We have roughly 200 streams a month, which gives us a couple bucks every year,” said Regan “No Sleeves” Shannon, singer of folk-punk band Tall Bike Terrorists, via Zoom from his girlfriend’s parents’ house in Grosse Pointe, Mich. “But if this guy can get all that money just from having conspiracy theorists on his show, that means we can record the crazy homeless people we hang out with and start raking in the dough.”

At press time, streaming platform TIDAL announced they are willing to pay any podcasters $100 a year to talk into their userless void.

And When There Was Only One Set of Kills in Duos, That Was When I Carried You

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

One night I dreamed a team.
As I was walking along the storage town with my Lord,
Across the dark sky flashed incoming players from the Gulag.
For each enemy, I noticed two sets of kills in the UI,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last enemy in the sky flashed before me,
I looked back at the kills on the screen.
I noticed that at many times along the path to the circle,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of kills.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d squad with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of the game,
there was only one set of kills.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your gas runs and Gulags.
When you saw only one set of kills,
It was then that I carried you.”

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: The Thing You Said, but Rephrased so It Sounds Like My Idea

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Hiya Kelly. Just wanted to pop in real quick and rap with you a sec. You remember that great idea you had about how the sales department could slash our budget by 4% while still exceeding our quarterly goals? Well, BTDubs, I slightly rephrased your idea, wrote up a quick one-sheeter, and emailed it to our supervisors and also a few of the VPs. I would have cc’ed you, but you’re so busy I didn’t want to bog you down with more nonsense.

I realize I could have let you bring your idea to the supervisors, but my slight variation on it was just too good to wait.

Well, no I didn’t mention you in the email. Believe me, I totally wanted to give you credit. In fact, I really did in the first draft. But it just interrupted the flow too much and I didn’t want it to get in the way of the terrific idea. Besides, we’re a team, right? Let’s not worry about who gets credit for what or how slightly rewording your idea and sending the email makes it look like I came up with it. As long as the sales department succeeds it’s all gravy, right? You’re a team player, aren’t you?

Okay, I can sense you’re a little p.o.’ed here. Maybe we should unpack this a bit.

I’ll grant you that, yes, this might look unethical on my part. But I was actually doing you a favor. You might not realize this Kelly, but we live in a man’s world. And sadly, a lot of men, possibly even our bosses, might not take your ideas as seriously as they would coming from a guy. I know, I know. It makes me sick, too!

What’s that, Kell? A lot of upper management are women? And also don’t call you “Kell?” Fair enough. And yes, there are a lot of women in upper management but they can be the most sexist of all due to internalized misogyny. So the only way to truly let your idea shine is if I pitched it for you. You’re welcome.

For what it’s worth, this great idea of yours has got me in line for a huge promotion. Don’t worry, I will totally pay you back once I’m in charge. Assuming you keep sending me whatever clever ideas pop into that adorable little head of yours, that is. Sound like a deal?

This is how we’ll dismantle the patriarchy, girlfriend: together. But with my name on it.

Local Venue That Kicked You Out for Fighting, Lighting Fires Has a Lot of Nerve Asking for Donations

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Sari Beliak

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. –– Management at local venue The Corner Spot, who kicked you out for starting fights and lighting a trash can on fire last year, is now soliciting donations to stay afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic, you confirmed after receiving the “hilarious” email and muttering, “the nerve of these losers.”

“Well, well, well — look what we have here. The Corner Spot needs help,” you said out loud to nobody in particular. “Why, if my memory serves me correctly, the last time I was allowed in there, I was told that if I didn’t take my drunk-ass home and stay the fuck out, they’d be calling the cops. And now they come to me because they’re hurting for business? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I guess my lifetime ban for shitting in the sink, lighting the trash can on fire, and then throwing the flaming can into the pit doesn’t apply to my hard-earned stimulus check.”

The Corner Lounge staff started a GoFundMe page to try to save the venue from permanent closure, and were immediately put off by your emails and comments about the fundraiser.

“So far we’ve seen an outpouring of generosity from the local scene, wanting to help save one of the only indie venues left in town,” said longtime bartender Amy Gabriel. “But there are always trolls. One guy who we banned from the venue must be on our email list, and he keeps commenting that he ‘can’t wait to buy coffee at the Starbucks that eventually takes over our building.’ This was the same guy who brought a backpack full of ferrets to a show and tried to sell them behind the merch table.”

Local economist Lucia Dolan noted many small businesses are relying on the generosity of their customers during this uncertain time by accepting donations to help them keep their doors open.

“It’s great to see so many people supporting their favorite local spots with fundraisers and links to donate to virtual tip jars,” said Dolan. “Giving some cash to your favorite bartender or barista during this time can be a great way to help them out and say sorry for being a drunk piece of shit, or apologize for hanging around all day, but never buying anything. Everyone is being asked to do their part right now.”

You allegedly went even further into a rage when your former high school, which expelled you for throwing live lobster at the superintendent, sent out a bulk email about a charity bake sale to help frontline workers.

Gamer Training Months for Melee Tournament Heartbroken Upon Discovering They Didn’t Mean ‘Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee’

Posted on May 24, 2020 by Walker Jesse

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Dedicated Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee player Duncan Cooker was recently disappointed to realize that the “Melee” tournament he’d been preparing for was in fact a competition being held with the game Super Smash Bros. Melee.

“At first I really couldn’t believe how many people were here for a ‘Zilla tourney,” said Cooker. “My buddy asked if I had a GameCube controller for the Melee tournament and I was like, hell yea, get me in on that. When he said he was a fox main, I thought he was just confused about Rodan. Sure, Rodan looks nothing like a fox, but as someone who obviously also gets confused a lot, I wasn’t gonna be a dick about it.”

The confusion was mutual as local kids running the Smash tournament didn’t really have an answer for a man well in his 20’s asking if they had unlocked Orga.

“He had a Wavebird and kept asking if he could turn on cheats for fully destructible environments,” said Smash playing teen, Derek Moore. “Then he got to the character select screen and started freaking out, asking where 90s Godzilla was. After he calmed down, he selected Bowser and said he would still probably do alright. He did not.”

Cooker hinted that perhaps his preparation time could have been better spent.

“Yeah, I really should have made sure I was playing the right game,” he admitted. “When someone mentioned waveshines, I thought they had just figured out how to use the water in the Thrashburg level. I should’ve known better.”

At press time, Cooker said that he was happy he attended the event because he met a few kids who were looking to start a “Brawl” tournament, and he was actually an even bigger fan of 2018’s Override: Mech City Brawl.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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