Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Incessant Lounge Music Still Playing in Head Six Days Later

Posted on May 26, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

TESUQUE, N.M. — The incessant lounge-style music playing on a loop for nearly forty-eight consecutive hours at a local casino is currently still stuck in local gambler Donnie Fuchs’ head nearly two months later, sources confirmed.

“I went over there so long ago; I think it was still technically winter. But I can’t seem to get that weird, non-stop jingle, or whatever you call it, out of my mind,” said Fuchs, of the nerve-grating music that won’t leave his head no matter how hard he tries. “I tried tuning it out at first, then I even tried pretending it didn’t bother me, but that little piano thing that kinda sounds like it’s gonna turn into the ‘Frasier’ theme song really starts to make an impact on you. I still can’t tell if you’re on an elevator in the ‘80s or if you’ve been on hold for the last seven hours, but I’ve had enough. Even the night mix was just slightly faster versions of the same song.

Additional casino-goers confirmed that the lack of control over the music played while gambling in public spaces makes frequenting casinos much less fun than it should be, and has left them with music playing in their head for weeks later, despite every effort to forget it.

“I thought I would just go celebrate my friend Kristi’s last night as a free woman with some drinks and maybe some of those cool looking slots. I didn’t even realize I was listening to the music, but I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since I left. I’m sorry, but there’s just not enough complimentary Amaretto sours in the world to make me forget what I heard over the course of what felt like the longest night my life,” explained local woman Melanie Stramm, of the several hours she recently spent in a casino to celebrate a friend’s bachelorette party. “I’ve tried everything to get it out of my head — other music, crying babies, I even tried jack hammering my driveway, but nothing will replace that strange little tune. Don’t get me wrong, it was a really fun night, but we’re going on two months now and I really don’t know what else to do.”

In recent weeks, Fuchs has taken to playing online casino games on a computer inside the confines of this apartment, which he prefers as it allows him full control over what music he listens to while enjoying himself.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t do this years ago, everything about this is so much better,” Fuchs stated. “I can still smoke in here all I want, as long as I keep the window fan running, and I don’t even have to get dressed if I don’t want to. Plus, I can pick whatever music I wanna listen to and not have to listen to that lounge bullshit anymore — from now on, if I’m gonna listen to back to back songs on a loop for 24 hours, it’s gonna be Thin Lizzy ‘Jailbreak’, and it’s gonna be loud.”

“I’ll tell you what though, I will kind of miss getting those little paper flyers for the live acts and the cover bands and whatnot, but I guess that’s what email is for. Moving ads to the trash folder just isn’t the same as crumbling one up and tossing it in the nearest trash can though, that’s for sure,” he added.

At press time, Fuchs was being yelled at by his entire family and all of his neighbors within earshot to turn his music down.

White Woman on ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’ Uses Phone-a-Friend to Call 911

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Game show contestant Karen Graham used her “phone-a-friend” lifeline to call local police on the $500 question during a taping of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” members of the production staff confirmed.

“Hello? 911? I have 30 seconds to tell you that this African American game show host is threatening my life with his intense line of questioning,” Graham said after being asked ‘Which United States president was in power for the duration of the American Civil War?’ “He keeps yelling. I think he might be on drugs. This whole television show — this whole audience — needs to be arrested right now! I’m being attacked!”

Production of the episode, guest hosted by Idris Elba, was halted when uniformed police officers stormed the set using a modified tank and shut down the production.

“It’s always a shame when someone loses on the first question, but this one was especially upsetting, because two officers pulled guns on me and told me I was going to jail for a long time,” said Elba. “Thank god I was filming the whole incident on my cell phone, as well as seven $250,000 cameras, or else I would have no proof that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Members of the Los Angeles police department conducted a brief investigation and ultimately left without making any arrests.

“When we got the call that there was an out of control black man attacking a white woman we suited up in riot gear, grabbed as many guns as we could, and hauled ass over to that studio,” said lieutenant Mark Hopkins. “We were extremely disappointed to find out that this was just a false alarm. We hate leaving without making any arrests, we even tried to plant drugs on a few of the crew members, but it didn’t work out.”

“But at the end of the day I’m glad we were able to help that young woman feel safe! As an officer of the law, that’s all I ever want to do,” he added. “Now get the fuck back and against the wall.”

At press time, a GoFundMe profile was created entitled “Get Karen Graham The $1,000,000 Owed To Her” that had already surpassed $3 million after being featured on a Fox News segment.

BREAKING: Biden Vows to Defund Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden publicly stated his intention today to defund the “Itty Bitty Titty Committee,” as well as provide tax credits for Americans sporting C-cup size “over the shoulder boulder holders” or better, upsetting much of the electorate.

“Day one, my very first act as President will be an executive order to defund the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. This taxpayer-funded research group has put way too much time into glorifying complete surfboards — that ends with me. America used to be the land of milk and honey,” said Biden before pausing to wink at a female reporter, “but now, the big naturals of the red, white, and blue are put to shame by women in Colombia, Finland, and Russia. Oh, and don’t forget Greece. Those chicks are stacked. I propose a new arms race — but, you know, with knockers.”

Biden’s personal gaffe manager Antony Hollis addressed the media about his responsibility to the candidate.

“At this point, moments like these are a daily occurence: Joe will be staring out the window and a tear will stream down his face; inevitably, I ask him what’s wrong, and he quietly responds, ‘Just thinking about how much I love big ol’ titties,’” said Hollis. “I’ve told him many times the ‘Itty Bitty Titty Committee’ is not an actual government office — it’s just a mean thing high school girls say to each other. But when I mentioned ‘high school girls,’ his eyes glazed over, and I knew I’d lost him again.”

White House aide Shelby Farrington had little sympathy for Biden’s campaign team.

“Wow, Biden said something about boobs? Who could’ve seen that coming? These idiots are all the same. I just wish I could go one full hour without Trump saying something stupid,” said Farrington. “Hell, Trump wanted to nuke a hurricane, and that doesn’t even crack the list of top 20 craziest shit from his first term.”

“To be totally candid, I’ve had to stop many of my fellow White House aides from injecting bleach into their necks,” she added. “They weren’t trying to cure COVID-19. It’s that the eternal void of death is preferable to working for this brain-damaged, tiny-handed, goomba-dicked mad man.”

Biden’s staff also allegedly had to remind him repeatedly not to wear his “Female Body Inspector” T-shirt to a closed-door meeting with FBI director Christoper Wray.

Opinion: You’re All Essential Heroes but I Asked for Pomplamoose La Croix Not Grapefruit Please Connect Me With the Manager

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

Essential workers. Brave heroes. The second coming of Christ. These are the names we’ve all come to call our most necessary workers in this pandemic. That said, incompetence will still not be tolerated. I ordered pomplamoose La Croix and your neanderthal delivery boy brought grapefruit. I will be needing assistance from a manager ASAP.

I respect what you do so much. It’s a dangerous time to be out interacting with other people. We are all lucky that people like you are willing to provide the services we need. You truly are the first responders, nay only responders, throughout what’s been called “9/11: With a Vengeance” around my house. However, if I don’t get the correct flavor La Croix in the next 15 seconds, I will have this kicked up to the region’s junior VP and see to it that your entire store is shut down!

Let’s see how you like it when we take away your precious essential work.

Listen, I get it. There is a lot going on and things are crazy. But is it really that difficult to get me the item I asked for? Hello? Are you even listening? I even took off my mask to make sure you can hear every slowed down word.

Nevertheless, they are heroes. I cannot stress this enough. However, this particular grocery store is going to have one less hero if a manager doesn’t get on the phone and give me some coupons, gift cards, or some extra La Croix for free. Hmm. So I’m noticing now that you actually did give me a pomplamoose, but that doesn’t change how poorly this situation was handled so your manager will still be hearing from me. Thank you for your service.

Quarantined Man Forced to Stand In Front of Shorter Girlfriend Watching TV

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Goodrich Gevaart

LOS ANGELES — Local punk and tall guy Michael Snyder replaced standing in front of his short girlfriend Anna Nelson at shows with standing in front of her while she watches TV during quarantine.

“One of the things I miss the most is going to shows and really pushing my way to the best place to stand. It’s always in front of a smaller person, because you know they’ll never physically make you move. It rules,” said Snyder. “Since we’ve been stuck inside, I just stand in front of Anna while she watches ‘Too Hot to Handle.’ It’s not the same, for sure, but it’s better than nothing. We’re all making sacrifices right now.”

Nelson reported she’s learned a lot about her boyfriend since entering quarantine, much of it “not good.”

“He’s obsessed with standing in front of me. I’ll tell him to move, and he’ll just pretend he doesn’t hear me and then act like an imaginary buddy next to him said something funny, and then stick his elbows out a little so he takes up more space,” Nelson explained. “I never really go to shows with him, so I didn’t know this is what he’s into, but it’s really weird. I pay for my share of HBO Go just like he does — I should be able to see the shows, too.”

The 6’6” Snyder has even stood in front of Nelson during her Zoom college class.

“Not gonna lie, I was pretty baked when I logged on to my Econ class. But after attendance, Anna’s screen had, like… a guy in her way?” ” said Jamie Kirkpatrick, a USC junior and Nelson’s classmate. “All we could see was his crotch and stomach. I dunno if they’re into voyeurism or something, but, like, leave us out of it, you know?”

Snyder has since shoved himself between Nelson and the open fridge door while she looked for something to eat.

Dead by Daylight DLC Adds Iconic ‘80s Monster Ronald Reagan

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

MONTREAL — Developer Behaviour Interactive announced the next DLC pack for its horror game Dead by Daylight will expand the game’s list of classic monsters by adding former United States president Ronald Reagan as a playable killer.

While the asymmetrical multiplayer game usually features iconic villains from films like Halloween and Scream, the new Reagan chapter looks to up the fear factor even more with one of history’s most infamous murderers.

“We’ve had the honor of bringing so many of the genre’s most memorable killers to this game over the years,” explained game director Mathieu Cote, “but none of them are as scary as Ronald Reagan. I mean, Freddy Krueger has killed about 35 people on-screen. Reagan’s body count soars past 60,000. For horror buffs like us, it just doesn’t get more twisted than that.”

The expansion comes with a new multiplayer scenario based on the character’s lore. Set in the new 1980’s New York City realm, the survivors control a team of four gay men who must complete objectives to escape the AIDS crisis alive. The Reagan-controlling player’s goal is to do as little as possible, ensuring that the epidemic will get worse as the match goes on.

Like all playable killers, Reagan comes with a host of character-specific perks. His special power, Crack Down, lets players send a swarm of cops to hunt down any character of color suspected of doing recreational drugs. He can also launch fire bombs and sell powerful weapons to killers in other matches.

“I’m happy that this game is finally immortalizing the great history of our party,” said Vice President Mike Pence, beaming with pride. “As someone who idolizes Reagan, it’s an honor to have him featured next to great Christians like Michael Myers, who did his best to cleanse the world of Godless whores like Laurie Strode.”

Players will be able to purchase 44 alternate skins, which will change Ronald Reagan’s appearance to look like any other US president. The game’s developers stressed that the skins are strictly cosmetic and won’t change anything about how the character plays.

Gamer Who Heard ‘No Man’s Sky’ Is Good Now Isn’t Ready to Stop Making Fun of It

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local gamer Kris Strickland reportedly isn’t emotionally prepared to stop making jokes about No Man’s Sky now that it has apparently been ‘pretty good’ for a while, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Apparently they fixed a whole bunch of stuff, but… I don’t know, man. It’s like a legendarily bad game. It feels like I’m going through a break up if I just stop making jokes about how they swindled everybody,” Strickland said. “No Man’s Sky is famous for promising a bunch of features in their KickStarter and then not delivering on those features. Well their second promise — to me and my compatriots — was to let that mythology live on so that we can still make jokes about it. And by becoming good, they’re essentially failing to live up to expectations twice. It’s a damn shame.”

Those close to Strickland say the news that No Man’s Sky has a more worthwhile endgame and is less grindy now that it has had major gameplay updates has been incredibly hard on him.

“Honestly, I don’t think I even remember him really making fun of No Man’s Sky that much before this, but I guess it was a big deal to him,” said Strickland’s girlfriend Mary Welch. “He just keeps walking around the apartment, muttering ‘this is why I have trust issues.’ I didn’t even know he had trust issues.”

At press time, Strickland said he was happy to at least still have Sea of Thieves to dunk on.

Millennial Shares How He Paid Off Home Loan by Scrimping, Saving, and Being Tom Nook’s Adopted Son Timmy

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

Much has been said about millennials’ financial struggles. Many drown in debt while doing little more than hanging out on the beach, hanging out with neighbors, hanging out at the museum, and splurging on a turnip-heavy diet. But others have shown that with a little hustle, strategic saving, and powerful connections, anyone can become a bellionaire.

Meet Timmy, who in just two months, paid off his home loan and co-founded a successful business on the island owned by his mentor and adoptive father Tom Nook.

“I knew I had to start budgeting after taking out my $2,000,000 home loan from my guardian and parental figure Mr. Nook. It was going to be tough. So I made a plan, and I stuck to it,” Timmy said. “Two months later, I wasn’t just out of debt, but also had a net worth in the bellions.”

Timmy cut his food budget to zero by eating only fruit he grew on the island, and he took every job he could to make money. But importantly, he didn’t spend the money he earned. Instead, he started a business with his brother Tommy, which, through unpaid volunteer labor, he grew into the most successful shop on his father’s island.

“I provided most of the funds and materials for Nook’s Cranny, but I haven’t seen a penny from it,” said Rick, the only human villager on the island. “My understanding is he’s used part of the profits to pay down his debts, and he’s invested the rest in the turnip market.”

While Rick heard rumors that Timmy, Tommy, and others have made fortunes on the market, he felt that the system was not designed for people like him.

“To me, turnip prices fluctuate so randomly, that I fear tying up what little bells I have in the market,” said Rick after a full day of back-breaking labor under the hot sun. “But he and Tommy seem to be experts at buying low and selling high, almost like they set the prices themselves.”

Even with Nook’s Cranny turning a consistent profit, young Timmy still had six-figure loans to pay. Luckily, his situation took a positive turn when Tom Nook decided to forgive the remainder of Timmy’s debt, as Timmy had shown himself to be fiscally responsible.

“Timmy has demonstrated he’s a shrewd businessman with excellent instincts, and I’m happy to reward such hard work,” said Mr. Nook. “Also, I made up this whole economy and control the wealth and land, and Timmy’s basically my son, so I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

There you have it. If you’re a millennial who’s struggling, learn from Timmy’s example. Financial liberation is just one budget, one store, and one property-owning father figure away.

“Breaking Bad” Producers Admit They Still Intend to Kill Aaron Paul Someday

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit TV show “Breaking Bad” admitted today that although they hadn’t yet murdered Aaron Paul, the man who portrayed the character Jesse Pinkman on the show, they still intend to one day kill him.

“I originally conceived of ‘Breaking Bad’ with Aaron in mind. I thought if I could just get him on set, I’d maybe sneak live rounds into one of the prop guns,” explained series creator Vince Gilligan. “I got kind of desperate as the show wrapped up, though: I tried leaving Aaron in a pit for months, thinking he’d starve to death… but some asshole snuck him food, I guess. I know where he lives, so I could really take care of it at any time, but I want the murder to really pop. I want to do it in a way people never expected.”

Paul’s work in the first season of “Breaking Bad” was so lauded, Gilligan allegedly delayed forcing actor Bryan Cranston to stab Paul to death with a “fake” knife.

“I pulled Gilligan aside near the end of the first season and said, ‘Look, I know you want Aaron to die — we all do — but I just don’t think now is the right time. He’s too popular. Maybe in a few years,’” said producer Mark Johnson. “Gillgian reluctantly agreed, but artists are artists, you know? I once caught him offering Jesse Plemmons $30 to shove Aaron in front of the train, but I reminded them that wouldn’t make much sense, narratively.”

For his part, Paul seemed relatively unsurprised by the producers’ admitted desire to “slip him real heroin while he slept.”

“When I first read the script for ‘El Camino,’ there were several scenes where Jesse died — like, 17 different scenes where, say, Jesse drives a car over a cliff, or gets eaten by Todd. And then the next page would start with headers like, ‘But if that doesn’t work…’ and the script would continue,” said Paul, furtively stealing glances over his shoulder. “Man, you say one thing about how you wished ‘X-Files’ had finished cleaner, and next thing you know, you spend the rest of your career making sure you don’t do any of your own stunts.”

Sources report Gilligan is now writing a cameo for Paul in the sixth season of ‘Better Call Saul’ as an unnamed man hand-delivering live explosives to construction sites across the Albuquerque metropolitan area.

“Just Not the Same,” Says Quarantined Cop Planting Drugs on Wife

Posted on May 25, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

SAN DIEGO — Thanks to the slowdown in day-to-day police activity, local officer Scott Martinson is now committing abuses of power against members of his family, which reportedly pales in comparison to the real thing.

“Ever since shelter-in-place and social distancing began, I haven’t really been able to do some of my favorite activities, and my days have been feeling empty. So I figured I’d plant some methamphetamine I confiscated from some kid a few months back on my wife, Cindy,” noted the veteran officer, looking longingly at his unused gun. “She thought it was some sexual role playing and was kind of into it… which just ruined the whole process for me.”

Martinson is missing the rush from harassing teens of color minding their own business — a fact not lost on his own teenage children.

“Dad hasn’t taken the changes well,” claimed son Trevor Martinson, nursing his sore neck stemming from a rough ride given as punishment for failing to do the dishes. “The other day my brothers and I were just throwing the football around the backyard, and Dad came out in full riot gear, screaming for us to ‘sit the fuck down.’ We kind of indulged him for a bit, but after a while it got old and Dad went inside. I guess the fact that we knew he wasn’t going to shoot us just for looking at him the wrong way kind of ruined it for him.”

However, neighbors have noted some positives.

“Scott’s always seemed like one of those asshole cops, but ever since the pandemic broke out, it’s been kind of nice having him around,” remarked neighbor Mary Beth Holloway. “I mentioned I lent Cindy my garden shears a few weeks ago and hadn’t gotten them back yet, and the next day when he brought her over, she issued a full confession and confessed she was planning on keeping them the whole time. It all seemed a bit forced, but I am happy to have my shears back.”

Martinson was last seen attempting to “feel something, anything” by holding a neighbor at gunpoint for failing to keep their garbage can less than six inches from the curb.

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