Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Cop Shoots Klansman in Suicide

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Doug Francisco

MUNCIE, Ind. — Sgt. William Porter, an active member of the Ku Klux Klan, was killed last night following a violent exchange with state police in what authorities ultimately deemed a suicide.

“Following an investigation, it appears that an officer was involved in a kinetic shooting event wherein a firearm in his possession was discharged,” said Millie Winitski, a spokesperson for Indiana State Police. “This caused a bullet to come into contact with the head of a klansman, who was indeed no longer alive following the event. We have concluded this was death by suicide.”

Porter’s patrol partner of 20 years Tom Huffington was heartbroken by the news about his coworker and Klan rally organizer.

“Billy was one of a kind — he may have had the same haircut, mannerisms, and outward racism as everyone else on the force, but he always stood out from the pack. It’s a tragedy when a friend and colleague dies in the line of duty,” said Huffington. “But I can take solace in the fact my brother in duty died as he lived: wielding a gun, with no regard for human life.”

Suicide among police officers is becoming surprisingly common, according to an American Sociological Association study, with steady year-on-year growth since at least 2008.

“The pressures of the job always take their toll on officers. It’s often very difficult for members of the police force to balance a life of racial violence with their duties as high ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan,” said the study’s author David Stephensen. “Some 30 percent of police officers report major anxiety or depression, and nearly all police officers say being a member of the Klan complicates their life in some way — whether it’s keeping their robes and hoods clean after it rains, or finding time to terrorize black citizens that doesn’t conflict with the police officer’s softball schedule.”

Sgt. Porter will be laid to rest at Woodlawn Cemetery with a memorial service this Saturday at 3:00 p.m., followed by a midnight cross burning in his memory at an undisclosed location in the woods outside Muncie.

Epstein Documentary Removes Itself From Netflix

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich, a highly anticipated documentary about the deceased sex offender and financier, has mysteriously removed itself from Netflix just 24 hours after being uploaded to the streaming platform’s servers.

“It’s really the damndest thing,” said Ted Sarandos, Netflix’s Chief Content Officer, on the bizarre disappearance of the miniseries. “One second it’s there, ready to tell the world all about his different connections and dealings, and then boom, nowhere to be found. Oh well, I’m sure the public understands. Hey everybody, Space Force comes out in a few days!”

Many conspiracy theorists were quick to allege that there is more to the disappearance than Netflix’s explanations would have the public believe.

“Wake up everybody,” began a viral Twitter thread this morning. “Shows don’t just disappear off of Netflix! Someone would have had to go in there and delete the file manually. This was a pretty big release of theirs, too. Don’t you think they should have taken every precaution to make sure everyone was able to watch it this weekend? It doesn’t add up.”

Lisa Bryant, the director of Filthy Rich, was naturally disappointed with the untimely disappearance of the film she began working on before Epstein’s arrest last year.

“It’s a real bummer,” said Bryant. “You work so hard on something, and you think it’s finally going to come out and all your work will have meant something, and then it just disappears for reasons that don’t even really make sense. Hopefully one day the public will get the documentary about Jeffrey Epstein that it deserves.”

At press time, new video surveillance footage revealed that Netflix security guards, who were supposed to be monitoring the deletion and creation of new documentaries, had fallen asleep on the job just as Filthy Rich was removed.

Sports Fan Who Never Watched Soccer Now All in for Borussia Mönchengladbach

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Goodrich Gevaart

DENVER — Lifelong sports fan Brian Pimento is allegedly now “all in” for German soccer club Borussia Mönchengladbach despite never previously watching soccer before Colorado’s stay-at-home order.

“Listen, we have a great squad this year with a lot of potential — I’m super excited the boys in green have Marco Rose as the coach now. I think his youth and enthusiasm for this beautiful game will really be what the team needs to finally get over the hump,” said Pimento, fully decked out in team gear. “We’re getting to the Champion’s League this year, baby! Those Leverkusen pieces of shit won’t know what hit them! Mönchengladbach ‘til I die!”

Indeed, Saturday mornings at the Pimento house will be different for the foreseeable future, as the Bundesliga returns to playing “ghost games” without fans present.

“As soon as he found out German soccer would be the first sport back, he dove in headfirst. He binge-watched the season from the beginning so he could ‘figure out the storylines’ and just sort of learn the rules of the game since he has never watched it before in his life,” said Sheena Pimento, Brian’s wife. “He even bought our daughters jerseys of a rival team, so he could scream at them from across the living room.”

“He told them he was gonna ‘beat them Rheinland style,’” added Mrs. Pimento. “Our daughter Chelsea cried for hours.”

For their part, Borussia Mönchengladbach has made headlines for selling cardboard cutouts of fans to put as placeholders in the empty seats — one of which features Brian.

“We have one man from Colorado called Mr. Pimento who bought a cutout of himself for the stadium, yes,” said Bastiaan “Ruud” Hoogesteger, board member of the FPMG Supporters Club in Mönchengladbach, Germany. “He is wearing a generic sweatshirt that reads ‘soccer’ and a Broncos hat, because his kit had not shown up to America by the deadline. We are hoping maybe he waits a few years before he visits us in person. The American healthcare system is not to be trusted.”

At press time, Pimento was crying after Borussia Mönchengladbach’s loss to Leverkusen, after which he promised to install a giant tifo to go on the roof of the house for the upcoming match against Union Berlin.

We Tried to Interview Jeff Bezos, and Then It Was All a Blur and a Giant White Balloon Chased Us and Now We Live in Some Weird Community Prison Type Thing

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

I went to Amazon HQ and was shown into Jeff Bezos’ office, under the guise of interviewing him about becoming the world’s first trillionaire. He spun around in his giant Bond-villain chair. He wasn’t petting a cat, but you could tell he wanted to. I immediately ambushed him with questions on the treatment of Amazon employees, blissfully unaware of the forces I was meddling with.

Suddenly, I heard a faint rumbling behind me. I looked and saw a giant white balloon heading straight for me, and within seconds, before I had time to react or even register what was happening, I felt the outer layer of material against my face, then nothing.

I woke up in a box, left near the garage of a strange cottage I didn’t recognize. I was in a giant puddle… NOT by the front door under the overhang for some reason.

I was assigned #2497.94, I think because that was the price of AMZN the day I arrived? I met someone named #2 who I guess must have been here since the 90’s. I think he was spying on me, but to be honest, I kind of don’t trust anyone here… Except for the people that delivered me, and the people that clean the houses, and pretty much everyone that’s not a resident who is apparently an Amazon employee that got “promoted”.

They keep doing weird psychological experiments on me. So far they’ve had a body double try to convince me he was me, probed my mind with a dream manipulator, and convinced me to run for island president, all for no discernible reason. #2 keeps telling me I’m a “tough nut to crack” but that he will soon “break me like all the others.” I wish I knew what the fuck they wanted from me!

They keep saying they want “information” but Amazon already has all my information!

Anyway, while walking this morning, I saw Seattle in the distance, so I’m guessing I’m near there. If anyone wants to try and save me, that would be lovely.

I tried escaping using a raft I constructed to win an art contest here (this place is weird.) When I looked back I couldn’t see the town, so it might be invisible or something (not surprising, Bezos and Elon probably have tons of crazy Sci-fi stuff like that).

As I got a ways away from the island, that giant balloon showed up again and I was back outside my garage in a box. Again.

Looks like I’ll be here a while, but, at least I can order literally anything I want and it gets delivered right to my house the same day. Maybe I’ll never leave. This place is kinda awesome. Way better than my one-bedroom that I share with 9 roommates in Brooklyn.

Ash Ketchum’s Mom Doesn’t Have the Heart to Tell Him His Original Pikachu Died 6 Years Ago

Posted on May 27, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

KANTO — Local mother Delia Ketchum reportedly doesn’t have the heart to tell her son Ash that his beloved Pikachu is the sixth in a line of Pikachus who have all died, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Pikachus don’t live forever, you know. They have a short lifespan,” Delia Ketchum said to those close to her. “I thought he would figure it out pretty quickly on his own so I didn’t say anything, but he just never really caught on. Ever wonder why Ash’s championship Indigo League Pikachu had so much trouble with the first gym leader in Johto? That’s because it didn’t.”

“I don’t know what to do at this point,” she added. “Maybe it would have been easier four Pikachus ago, but he keeps referring to the current one as his ‘best friend’ and talking about the memories he shared with something that’s buried in our backyard. Am I a bad mom?”

Professor Oak, someone close to the Ketchum family, shared similar sentiments to Delia Ketchum.

“We try to teach kids the basics before we send them off into the world of Pokémon, but death is pretty heavy for a 10 year old,” Oak explained. “So we just make sure they get to Lavender Town at some point and figure out the rest on their own.”

Delia Ketchum’s boyfriend, who wished to remain anonymous, said Delia’s hesitation may come from the fact that Ash’s biological father passed away when Ash was very young.

“Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime,” he said. “Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime. Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime Mr. Mime.”

At press time, Ketchum said she couldn’t even begin to tell Ash the truth about the “sleeping” Snorlax blocking the route he’s trying to travel.

Man Living Double Life Gets Stuck Quarantined in Shittier One

Posted on May 27, 2020 by John Merrifield

NEW YORK — Local two-timer Thomas McGibbons is looking forward to the end of quarantine after being stuck with his second and more annoying family for over a month.

“When this all started, I thought I made the right choice. I wanted to stay with my wife, because my mistress has a bit of a drinking problem, and the baby is always crying… but I’m realizing that was wrong,” recalled McGibbons. “I thought about getting ‘called into work,’ but my wife knows I can work remotely. I even tried telling her I needed to get smokes, but she insisted that this is a great time to quit, and she’s right. Meanwhile, I’ve been talking with my mistress from my burner phone and it seems like a party over there — she says she has plenty of drugs, and our kid sleeps most of the day.”

McGibbons’ decision to start a second family came after a 2017 promotion and salary increase inspired his first wife to quit her job and homeschool their two children full-time.

“Oh, I’m just so grateful he didn’t get called away on business before all this,” said his wife, Sarah. “He’s usually gone Mondays through Fridays. I had a whole list of things we need done around the house, and you better believe I’ve been putting him to work. I’m just hoping he can get everything knocked out before this quarantine ends and he’s back to being gone during the week. Another bonus is that I’ve been able to tell him everything that’s been on my mind for the past few years, and he can’t go anywhere. I can tell he hates it, and that makes me enjoy it more.”

McGibbons’ mistress, 28-year-old freelance model Francesca LaFleur, is aware of his first family and has no problem with it.

“It just is what it is, really. I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. What he does on the weekends is his business. The important thing to me right now is that wherever he is, he’s safe,” said LaFleur. “And he’s still sending me money every week. The Amazon delivery people are so nice — a couple of the cuter ones keep me company on their breaks. It’s just too bad they can’t stick around longer.”

In hopes of ending the lockdown sooner, McGibbons has continued to write New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo 75 letters a week, begging for him to lift all restrictions.

Opinion: I Would Boycott Amazon, but There Are Too Many Numbers on My Credit Card to Type Into a New Site

Posted on May 27, 2020 by Laura Merli

Between their labor abuses, monopolistic actions, and abysmal pandemic response, I would boycott Amazon. I really would. Unfortunately, the grim reality is Amazon has my credit card information saved and that’s far too many numbers to type into another site.

Some people have previously saved their credit card numbers in their browsers, which is simply not a privilege that I have at the moment. If I wanted to order a single ring light, I’d have to type in 16 credit card numbers right off the bat, then 4 digits for the expiration date, plus the little “826” on the back of the card, whatever that’s for. So of course I support Amazon. I mean, I don’t “support” Amazon, but what other choice do I have?

I care deeply about creating a fair world economy so I can see how it would come as a surprise that everything I order is from Amazon. Not than I need any more justification but not only is my credit card number not saved on my computer, it is also on my coffee table, entire feet across the room. And I finally just got, like, really comfortable.

I’m a really busy person. When I decide to buy something, I don’t have time to just get up, walk across the room, shuffle through my bag for my credit card, and fill in every single space on a new billing information page. If you have the capacity to take that journey, I applaud you, but you have to recognize that not everyone has the luxury of being able to convince themselves to get up and type in a bunch of numbers.

Besides, if I took the time to do that I’d probably decide I don’t even need a ring light after all.

Classical Guitarists’ Technical Skills Overshadowed by Weirdly Long Fingernails

Posted on May 27, 2020 by Rick Homuth

SAN DIEGO — Local classical guitar virtuoso and all-around good dude Sheldon Michelson’s musical talent and congenial manner is consistently overshadowed by the abnormally long fingernails on his right hand, skeezed-out sources report.

“Don’t get me wrong: Sheldon is practically a musical prodigy, and a great guy all around,” said Lara Edelbergh, who lives in the apartment next to Michelson. “He’s always very polite when I see him in the hallway, he practices very quietly, and he even declined payment when he fed my cat a few months ago while I was out of town. But, man, those fingernails… it’s like, get away from me. It makes me think he’s some sort of troll or something.”

Those close to Michelson report that, though he may be a cheerful and courteous man brimming with a unique ability to echo a timeless and elegant sound, his fingernails are “just unequivocally gnarly.”

“He truly shaped the man I am today,” said Michelson’s younger brother Andrew, who credits his sibling’s support with getting through multiple rough times. “He was the only one who had faith in me, even when he was on the road dazzling everyone with his amazing skills and I was at my absolute worst — stealing money, buying drugs, you name it. He sat me down, put his hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eyes, and said, ‘Andy. I love you so much. It’s killing me to see my baby brother this way. But there’s a light inside you that I’ve seen ever since we were little kids. You are incredibly strong, and you will get through this if you try hard enough; I’d bet my life on it. Please come back to us. I need you.’”

“But what I remember most of all were his grimey fingernails on my bare skin,” Andrew added. “I mean, c’mon, bro. What is up with that?”

One notable exception to the trend is Michelson’s girlfriend Linda McMullen, who suffers a condition that gives her chronic itchiness.

“I gotta tell you, I’m not really charmed by the guitar playing,” she said. “And, frankly, the whole ‘nice guy’ persona puts me off, too. I would’ve broken up with him years ago if it weren’t for my pruritus. But the way those nails pluck the flamenco all over my back sores? Heavenly.”

Bethesda Announces New $1200 Definitive Skyrim Edition

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Jon Lalu

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Bethesda has announced a new definitive version of the popular video game Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, to be released exclusively in North America and retail for $1,200.

“Everyone is on lockdown right now, so we thought this would be a perfect chance to release a new version of Skyrim,” said Bethesda Director Todd Howard in a video posted online earlier today. “Between the entire country desperately craving some escapism during this horrific calamity, and everyone having a little change in their pocket right now, we thought it would be a perfect time for another version.”

The Enhanced Special Collector’s Edition of Skyrim will feature all previously released DLC, a vinyl soundtrack set, several maps, posters, art prints, keychains, and a fully recreated Dragonbone Sword. Although the game is a decade old and has seen several releases across all major platforms, news of the release was met with enthusiasm.

“I have already watched The Sopranos, The Wire, and Lost since this started,” said gamer Jason Scott of the stay at home order in his native California, which was recently extended a few more months. “Jumping back into Skyrim for a couple hundred hours sounds pretty perfect if we’re being honest. And let’s be real, twelve hundred is not going to cover my bills, not even for a month, so I might as well spend this shit on a video game.”

The announcement comes as it was recently confirmed online that the sixth installment of the Elder Scrolls franchise is at least several years away from release.

“Why drill a new well, baby? This sucker’s still shootin’ Texas Tea!” Howard said to conclude the video, before proceeding to shoot finger guns and ride a fake horse around his living room.

D&D Party Plans Intervention for Character’s Item Hoarding

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Natalie Shoemaker

GREENE, N.Y. — A local Dungeons and Dragons group recently completed a three hour session that was secretly planned as an intervention for the item hoarding done by Melchior, a character played by Cory Stephens.

“Melchior is always saying, ‘Oh we might need such and such item later,’ like, why the heck would we need three bags of wolves’ teeth?” said Elenor, who plays Alora, the party’s Cleric. “And since he got a Bag of Holding, it just fed into it even more. We had to do something.”

Sources say the party first brushed off Melchior’s reluctance to trade their treasure at village markets as a weird character quirk, but a year and 10 levels later, Melchior has yet to throw away a single item. Matt Billings, the party’s dungeon master, set the scene with characters waking up to an empty inn, save for a circle of chairs in the tavern below.

“We told him we were all getting together to do a little one-off campaign,” he said. “Then when everyone sat down, I had them take turns telling him how Melchior’s item hoarding had affected them. It was tough, there was more than one unarmed strike thrown, if you catch my drift, but I think we got through to him by the end.”

In addition to blows being exchanged, several party members got emotional when reflecting upon the recent death of a party member.

“Bert would still be alive if Mechior hadn’t wasted two turns digging through that god damned Bag of Holding for a healing potion,” said Ben Harkin, who’d previously been playing the now deceased wizard, Bert. “And I wouldn’t have had to re-roll a new character. We’d almost finished Bert’s storyline and reunited him with his daughter even though we spent half the campaign rearranging our inventories to accommodate whatever cups and shoes you’d managed to steal from taverns.”

As of press time, the party is now secretly planning a second intervention for Harkin’s newest character regarding his penchant for singing improvised “funny” songs.

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