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Man Living Double Life Gets Stuck Quarantined in Shittier One

NEW YORK — Local two-timer Thomas McGibbons is looking forward to the end of quarantine after being stuck with his second and more annoying family for over a month.

“When this all started, I thought I made the right choice. I wanted to stay with my wife, because my mistress has a bit of a drinking problem, and the baby is always crying… but I’m realizing that was wrong,” recalled McGibbons. “I thought about getting ‘called into work,’ but my wife knows I can work remotely. I even tried telling her I needed to get smokes, but she insisted that this is a great time to quit, and she’s right. Meanwhile, I’ve been talking with my mistress from my burner phone and it seems like a party over there — she says she has plenty of drugs, and our kid sleeps most of the day.”

McGibbons’ decision to start a second family came after a 2017 promotion and salary increase inspired his first wife to quit her job and homeschool their two children full-time.

“Oh, I’m just so grateful he didn’t get called away on business before all this,” said his wife, Sarah. “He’s usually gone Mondays through Fridays. I had a whole list of things we need done around the house, and you better believe I’ve been putting him to work. I’m just hoping he can get everything knocked out before this quarantine ends and he’s back to being gone during the week. Another bonus is that I’ve been able to tell him everything that’s been on my mind for the past few years, and he can’t go anywhere. I can tell he hates it, and that makes me enjoy it more.”

McGibbons’ mistress, 28-year-old freelance model Francesca LaFleur, is aware of his first family and has no problem with it.

“It just is what it is, really. I know he loves me, and he knows I love him. What he does on the weekends is his business. The important thing to me right now is that wherever he is, he’s safe,” said LaFleur. “And he’s still sending me money every week. The Amazon delivery people are so nice — a couple of the cuter ones keep me company on their breaks. It’s just too bad they can’t stick around longer.”

In hopes of ending the lockdown sooner, McGibbons has continued to write New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo 75 letters a week, begging for him to lift all restrictions.