Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: I’m Not Like Those Gun Toting Militia Maniacs, I’m Just in This Forest Preserve to Suck off Some Strangers

Posted on May 30, 2020 by Brendan Kelly

The other day I’m down in Pioneer Forest Preserve minding my own business, doing my thing. Next thing you know this family comes up to me, complaining that I’m not wearing a mask or respecting proper social distancing guidelines and so on and so forth. The mom in particular was really full of beans, saying I’m some sort of gun-totin’ militia fella. Now, I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not one of those weirdos hauling a machine gun around demanding that I be allowed to go to BoRicks or eat inside a Cold Stone Creamery or anything. But at the same time, I’m a realist. Sometimes a mask isn’t appropriate. Sometimes circumstances dictate that social distancing just won’t work, and when I’m down here trying to suck off a bunch of random dudes, I’m really not looking for a lecture, lady.

No offense, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a militia. I might be caught sucking off a militia, but that depends on how fast Ranger Kevin can comb the forest.

Most sensible information about the transmissibility of COVID seems to indicate that outdoor activity is one of the safer options. Even if you get good and sweaty and really worked up and turgid and throbbing, for example, the simple fact that you’re not in an enclosed space, where droplets can collect and become trapped in proximity reduces the risk of infection quite a bit. Not to mention, I can’t exactly suck these dicks with a mask on or from any sort of “socially responsible” distance and, frankly, I’m starting to wonder what hidden agenda that family had. These militia guys might be on to something with their conspiracies. I don’t get into politics though. I’m just here for the anonymous loads.

People see things too often in black and white. There’s a way to choke down a fat stack of random schlongs that is socially responsible and there’s a way to do it that’s so discourteous it borders on being offensive. I stick to the former. The only things I want to see in black and white are the nameless dongs in my face. I don’t want that message to get lost.

Look, we all want to get back to normal, but escalating conflict in public spaces only trips everyone’s panic sensors and makes for further division. What we need now, more than ever, is to take a responsible, socially distanced, but unified, stand against the proliferation of this horrible virus. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go back to sucking these dicks.

Man Enters Week Seven of Pretending He Was Having Any Sex Before This

Posted on May 30, 2020 by Anya Volz

PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity, despite several years of sexual inactivity before the coronavirus shutdown starting in mid-March, multiple sources confirm.

“Dude, this covid horniness is brutal,” said Solorzano from his filthy bedroom. “I haven’t gotten laid in forever — I can’t wait until this is all over, and I can get back to normal ways of crushing butt all around town. I mean, like, before the pandemic, I was on a hot streak. A bunch of girls came down from Montpelier for a ski trip… and let’s just say they didn’t find any bunny hills, if you know what I mean.”

However, according to those closest to him, Solorzano has not had any romantic partners for the better half of a decade.

“If anything, I’d assume all this extra time and privacy would be good for his particular situation, and I think you catch my drift,” confided Luis Illescas, longtime friend of Solorzano. “I know for a fact he hasn’t touched a woman since 2015, maybe even longer. There was a wedding he went to last year where he almost sealed the deal, but he realized he was hitting on his second cousin and pulled the plug before anything happened. I’d almost feel bad for the guy, but he constantly talks about his ‘conquests’ when I know full well he’s just at home watching wrestling.”

Dr. Maha Agarwal, a sexologist studying patterns among millennials during the pandemic, confirmed this is a model many chaste men are following at the moment.

“It is not uncommon right now for men to be misleading about the nature of their loneliness,” Dr. Agarwal explained. “If you observe the data before the coronavirus shutdown and compare it to the data now, you’ll find the stats to be almost identical. Unsurprisingly, the men experiencing the most decline in their sexual activity are the married ones — this steep drop often stems from wives realizing how gross their husbands actually are when they’re forced to be in close proximity with them 24 hours a day.”

At press time, Solorzano was informing his roommates that the pandemic has hurt him financially as well and he’d be late on rent, despite the fact he hasn’t paid on time in the past three years anyway.

Climate Report Warns Global Warming Not Quite Strong Enough to Make Seaman Extinct

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON — Climate scientists have solemnly published a new report which warns that, while the effects of climate change are sure to be devastating worldwide, they will not be enough to make Seaman, the virtual pet for the Sega Dreamcast, become extinct.

“The Seaman is cruel and unkillable,” said lead scientist Katherine Jones. “The icebergs will melt, the forests will light on fire, and the oceans will overtake the lands, ending life on Earth as we know it. But through all that, Seaman will prevail. So have your microphone attachment ready, because there’s nothing we can do to stop him.”

“Our only recommendation at this point is to start burning more fossil fuels,” Jones added. “If we cannot save this Earth, the least we can do is kill Seaman.”

Researchers have tried talking to Seaman, as well as changing the temperature of the tank he is in, but so far Seaman has responded with nothing but snarky insults.

“Hmm I guess I’ll be sticking around,” Seaman said, the face attached to his fish body remaining perfectly calm. “The whole world is burning and you’re sitting here talking to me. How touching. Nothing has happened on this date in history, but twenty years in the future, it will be the day I take over the world as the last living creature.”

Despite many seeing the news as negative, some devoted Seaman worshipers have argued that his presence should be welcomed.

“Seaman may have begun his life as a pet, but now he’s so much more than that. He’s a friend,” said gamer Martin Klein. “Seaman is only mean to you if you don’t take care of him well. But Seaman has never been cruel to me. In fact, he’s the only video game character I have ever gotten to listen to me. I welcome his sharp criticism of me and our society. You should too.”

At press time, climate scientists announced that, despite Seaman managing to live through any conceivable version of the climate apocalypse, there is absolutely no chance that Pikachu from Hey You, Pikachu! will make it past the first month.

17,984 Police Stations Sadly Still Untorched

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Freelancer

MINNEAPOLIS — Rioters protesting the unlawful killing of another unarmed black man at the hands of police officers successfully burned Minneapolis’ Third Precinct police station to the ground, tragically leaving nearly 20,000 more stations standing.

“We see this as a step in the right direction, but unfortunately, we live in a reality where there are thousands and thousands of police stations that are completely untouched. It’s not until every last police station is reduced to ash that we will feel the need to celebrate,” said community organizer Eva Longworth. “What’s truly tragic about this situation is that no cops were injured, which we hope changes in the future. Everyone inside had already evacuated. They put up a cowardly fight before fleeing in helicopters… I just hope the next police station has all the emergency exits blocked as it’s set ablaze.”

Activists note that similar buildings dedicated to furthering racial inequities and oppression are located all across the country in large cities and small suburban towns.

“Just go on Google Maps and you can locate your nearest police station. These buildings are typically occupied by extreme racists with unchecked egos and a need for power,” said crime analyst Drew Paez. “In most cases, the so-called ‘officers of the law’ are unable or unwilling to seek employment at respectable establishments where they aren’t enforcing this country’s history of white supremacy. Hopefully, some of them resign and get real jobs helping their communities, but if they don’t, then fuck ’em. Let them burn.”

The burned station leaves behind a dark legacy of racial injustice for which the victims of targeted policing will never see retribution.

Opinion: Maybe That Police Station Shouldn’t Have Broken the Law

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Kevin Tit

Last night the people of Minneapolis rose up and set fire to a police precinct in response to the murder of George Floyd. Many are calling the incident a tragedy, and I have to agree. It’s tragic when an institution breaks its contracts with the public and leaves people with no choice but to burn it to the ground, but here we are.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, the violent criminals operating out of that place have been a huge burden on the tax system anyway.

Yes, it’s sad when a building’s life is cut tragically short in the service of justice. But if that particular institution had made better choices in its life, this never would have happened.

Ask yourself, what was that precinct doing in that neighborhood that late at night? Probably up to no good. The force used to detain it may be considered excessive by some but keep in mind, for all those protestors knew that building could have been armed.

I’m probably the least prejudiced person you will ever meet but look at the statistics. Who is it exactly committing all of these cold-blooded racially motivated murders? Blue people, plain and simple.

We can sit here and make excuses for what environment led to the fate of that precinct. “Where were its architects?” “Was lethal force necessary?” “Why weren’t the brutal, racist pigs who stole innocent human lives working there fired a long time ago?” None of that matters. It’s gone now. Each life that was stolen by an officer who represented that building is gone now. For good. They can’t be rebuilt. The precinct can be.

Let’s hope this is a lesson for all present and future precincts. Nothing bad will ever happen to you if you don’t break the law.

Hometown Facebook Group Not Even Being Subtle About Racism Anymore

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

DUBLIN, Ga. — Members of the official Facebook group for all things related to Dublin, Ga., have finally stopped hiding their prejudiced opinions and transitioned to blatant, full-on racism, group moderators confirm.

“Here’s the thing: why bother hiding it, ya know?” commented lifelong Dublin resident Darren Friarby, while pricing out giant wooden crosses on Amazon. “I have opinions and values, and there’s no reason to hide them anymore — this disease is all their fault. People are dying because of them. Those people did this to us, and it’s time I let our entire suburb know it. Besides, I heard the Facebook algorithm pushes these types of posts, so maybe I’ll go viral. I could use a win right now.”

Fellow resident and group visitor Allyson Markowitz grew concerned as the posts became increasingly blatant with their hate speech.

“We all knew there were a lot of racist people in the group and in the town, but at least before they would do that thing where they preface with, ‘Not to be racist, but…’ so you could at least see miniscule effort, no matter how misguided and dumb. But now, every post is just, ‘I don’t care if this is racist…’ It’s getting pretty out of control,” she stated while creating a dummy Facebook account so she could still lurk on the group without having her name attached to it. “I don’t think they’ll ever actually act on any of this stuff, but I still changed my last name on Facebook, just in case.”

Social media expert Ron Coleman noted the growing trend of open prejudice in Facebook groups.

“That type of talk used to be relegated to Reddit and 4Chan, with people making some effort to behave on Facebook, but things are changing,” Coleman said, displaying a graph of the rising amount of racism on Facebook as a steep, exponential slope. “Suburban townies have moved into second place as the most jingoistic users — just behind NRA members, but surpassing ‘Star Wars’ fans.”

For his part, Friarby denied that his hate was race-specific, claiming, “I haven’t even gotten started on the feminists and Jews yet!”

How to Pretend to Be Emo Until They Reopen Sportsclips

Posted on May 29, 2020 by J.W. White

Sup’ corona-crotches! So you’re stuck in your house and you can’t go anywhere. You’ve been cooped up so long now your hair has gone from a perfectly faded faux hawk to a bushy mess that would get you laughed out of any Tapout outlet store this side of the Mason-Dixon. You look like a Bernie bro. The only type of “bro” I don’t like. But no worries! I’m here to help you make the best of that sad tribble living on your noggin at least until Sportsclips reopens and we can all order the ol’ Alt-Right-High-and-Tight once more.

But until then we’re going emo, bitches!

First, you need to get some tight pants. This shouldn’t be a problem ever since you discovered Buffalo Wild Wings delivers (pandemic silver linings, I guess). Pick literally anything from your closet and we’ll call this box checked.

Next, you need to post about how shy you are on social media. Don’t overdo it. 18 daily posts should be enough to convey how introverted you are. High-angle selfies should accompany each post. Try to look like you just realized Gilmore Girls has been off the air for… wow, thirteen years. That’s the look!

Damn, thirteen years? Really? Obviously, the reunion specials don’t count.

Next, sensitivity. If the relentless series of beatings I call my childhood taught me anything, it’s that emotions are to be suppressed at all costs. It’s tough, but you gotta get sad. Think of something that makes you depressed, like how you have to hide your depression from your dad who doesn’t believe in it and will just call you a pussy. Or how much you miss Gilmore Girls.

Finally, a general sense of misanthropy. Alright so I don’t know what this word means and I didn’t look it up. I’ve been too wrapped up in thinking how fucked up everything is. It’s like, humans are shit. You can’t count on anyone. Everything either dies or disappoints. And now we’re stuck inside as every breath brings us closer to the inevitable eternal blackness of the void. Man, I’m bummed. I’m gonna go watch some Gilmore Girls.

Police Confirm Standard Target Practice Cut Out Character Has Back Turned

Posted on May 29, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

NEW YORK — NYC Police Commissioner Dermot Shea confirmed today that police shooting targets all come standard with their backs turned, clearing up any speculation that the police’s long history of shooting suspects in the back is somehow an accident.

“We train our officers to the highest standards in the world, and we’re very proud of the example they set when pursuing and assaul… er, detaining suspects,” Shea told a crowded room of reporters following the latest shooting of a fleeing person of color. “We take our motto of ‘To Protect and Serve’ very seriously, especially when protecting and serving ourselves.”

Police across the country have recently faced heavy scrutiny after a long series of officer-involved shootings, stretching back seemingly to the invention of police and guns. Many feel these shootings are unjustified and disproportionately target black suspects — an accusation Shea vehemently denies.

“The safety of our officers is our number one priority, followed closely by the safety of the public. That’s why we train our officers to fire at the safest possible moment — when a suspect begins to flee,” Shea said. “And I can assure you, the fact that our target practice cutouts happen to all be black is just a paper printing thing, and is purely coincidental. Purely.”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was quick to condemn Shea’s words, but for completely different reasons than reporters anticipated.

“It’s absolutely unacceptable for the police force to practice on fleeing black targets, when criminals take so many other forms in this city,” de Blasio said in a written statement. “Why not use targets that look like homeless people, or a guy selling cigarettes outside of a bodega? As long as they stick to one image, they’ll never be able to properly over-police all of our great citizens.”

At press time, after increasing media backlash, Shea called a second press conference to announce that the NYPD would begin training non-lethal methods of detaining suspects, though his use of air-quotes and a visible wink at the end of his speech left many reporters skeptical.

Elite Gaming Keyboard Used to Book Funeral Arrangements

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Kyle Erf

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Grieving son and PC gamer Eliott Ward reportedly booked funeral arrangements for his late mother with a $199 Corsair K95 RGB PLATINUM XT Mechanical Gaming Keyboard.

“Losing mom was really hard,” Ward said. “Due to the nature of her illness, it sort of felt like we had lost her years ago and were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel strange and empty. I have this deep sense of grief, but at the same time, I feel relieved that she will finally be able to rest. So that’s helping me get through this, I think. That and the fact that I sent all the emails to my family using these sick rainbow RGB lights from underneath my keys.”

“I guess in a lot of ways, that’s its own kind of illness,” Ward added. “The cool kind.”

According to those close to Ward, he has kept news of his mother’s death close to his chest.

“I heard a bunch of really loud clicking noises coming from his office so I went in to see what kinds of badass gaming he was up to. That’s when I realized he was booking a venue for his mom’s wake,” said Ward’s boyfriend Stephen Lloyd. “People might think it’s weird or sad to make funeral arrangements with a top-of-the-line mechanical keyboard, but I don’t really get why. He’s able to pick the look of the casket faster than anyone else. He can slide his hands across the keys to book the room within the venue with ease.”

At press time, Ward posted a heartfelt tribute to his late mother and clicked ‘post’ with one of the little side buttons on his elite gamer mouse.

How Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing a Real Big Tower

Posted on May 28, 2020 by Hunter R. Thompson

HELENA, Mont. — A newly discovered journal of their expedition has revealed that famed American explorers Lewis and Clark apparently mapped the entirety of the Louisiana Purchase by climbing a big tower in what is now known as Great Falls, Montana, and looking around at all of it.

“Awoke at camp to discover Lewis ascending the dreaded tower and squeezing his fingers into those damnable outcroppings,” William Clark writes in one recently unearthed passage. “One would be tempted to think the column was actually designed to be clambered up like a monkey, rather than simply entered and climbed with manly resolve. After conquering the colossal pillar, the commander then leapt like a man possessed from the belfry, unharmed, into ten feet of swamp water.”

This journal, recently scavenged from Meriwether Lewis’s burial site by a historian, sheds light on how the expedition party conquered the vast open world of the Louisiana Territory.

“After losing my coin purse in a treacherous river crossing, we found ourselves unable to purchase wagon oil from wandering traders,” Lewis writes in a later entry. “As Clark tells it, he marched to a native settlement 10 miles away, performed odd jobs for the better part of an hour, and returned to the caravan with ten thousand dollars and several blighted swords.”

The lost journal sheds light on other forms of transportation used by the party, such as wild horses, caravan-jacking, and jumping against a mountain to find an invisible ledge. Large portions of the journey were done on foot, reportedly because the group was out of horse-whistling range and “really did not fucking feel like going all the way back there.”

Late chapters, filled in during the harsh winter of 1805, show the expedition’s failing morale.

“Lewis stormed out of camp this morning in a huff, and just kept walking into the horizon.” Clark writes. “Having stepped into the snow to relieve himself, he was confronted by ‘an impassable death blizzard’ about ten feet off the path, and rambled at length about how it ‘totally ruined his immersion.’ I think the man bewitched.”

The journal’s afterword reveals that party member Charles Floyd, recorded as dying from appendicitis in 1804, respawned in Pittsburgh several days later because he had forgotten to sleep at any base camps.

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