Press "Enter" to skip to content

Local Venue That Kicked You Out for Fighting, Lighting Fires Has a Lot of Nerve Asking for Donations

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. –– Management at local venue The Corner Spot, who kicked you out for starting fights and lighting a trash can on fire last year, is now soliciting donations to stay afloat during the COVID-19 pandemic, you confirmed after receiving the “hilarious” email and muttering, “the nerve of these losers.”

“Well, well, well — look what we have here. The Corner Spot needs help,” you said out loud to nobody in particular. “Why, if my memory serves me correctly, the last time I was allowed in there, I was told that if I didn’t take my drunk-ass home and stay the fuck out, they’d be calling the cops. And now they come to me because they’re hurting for business? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I guess my lifetime ban for shitting in the sink, lighting the trash can on fire, and then throwing the flaming can into the pit doesn’t apply to my hard-earned stimulus check.”

The Corner Lounge staff started a GoFundMe page to try to save the venue from permanent closure, and were immediately put off by your emails and comments about the fundraiser.

“So far we’ve seen an outpouring of generosity from the local scene, wanting to help save one of the only indie venues left in town,” said longtime bartender Amy Gabriel. “But there are always trolls. One guy who we banned from the venue must be on our email list, and he keeps commenting that he ‘can’t wait to buy coffee at the Starbucks that eventually takes over our building.’ This was the same guy who brought a backpack full of ferrets to a show and tried to sell them behind the merch table.”

Local economist Lucia Dolan noted many small businesses are relying on the generosity of their customers during this uncertain time by accepting donations to help them keep their doors open.

“It’s great to see so many people supporting their favorite local spots with fundraisers and links to donate to virtual tip jars,” said Dolan. “Giving some cash to your favorite bartender or barista during this time can be a great way to help them out and say sorry for being a drunk piece of shit, or apologize for hanging around all day, but never buying anything. Everyone is being asked to do their part right now.”

You allegedly went even further into a rage when your former high school, which expelled you for throwing live lobster at the superintendent, sent out a bulk email about a charity bake sale to help frontline workers.