Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: If That’s How You Treat Customers I’ll Just Go Use the Restroom Somewhere Else

Posted on June 22, 2020 by Tom Peters

As a consumer, I know that I have more options than ever competing for my dollar. If you don’t meet my needs, it’s not hard to find someone down the street who will. Now, I can’t tell you how to run a business, but if this is how you treat customers, well, I’ll just have to use the restroom somewhere else.

Where do you even get off telling me that your bathroom is for, “customers only?” I’ll have you know that I planned on touching everything in here, asking LOTS of questions, and checking Amazon prices on my phone as I sidled out the door. But now I guess I’ll be taking my hypothetical business elsewhere. You blew it, buddy!

Did I walk through the door saying, “I’ve got to make a large deposit at the First Bank of Porcelain?” Sure. Have I used the bathroom here without spending money in the past? Yes, many times. But if you don’t want people using your restroom, you shouldn’t have opened up next to a Cicis Pizza. It’s just bad business, simple as that.

And by the way, your bathroom could really use a makeover. You need a decent selfie mirror so influencers like me can tag themselves in the hottest new public restroom in town. And coarse toilet paper is no way to build a relationship with customers — I need to be surprised and delighted in there!

Whatever, I don’t have the time to take you to business school; it’s almost peak grocery store sampling hours. You’ll be hearing from me via my one-star reviews across multiple online platforms, but rest assured, there are plenty of other establishments willing to receive a full load of my patronage with a smile and a, “thank you.” Good day.

Laid-Off Sound Guy Perpetually Fucking With Television Volume

Posted on June 22, 2020 by John Dixon

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Laid-off sound engineer Logan Green is constantly adjusting the volume levels of his television in order to keep busy while waiting for his workplace to reopen, frustrated sources report.

“You know, I’m just trying to get this dialed in so everything sounds perfect. The problem is the soundbar we use tends to be pretty bass-heavy, and the mids wash out on a lot of the shows we watch,” Green said as he mashed the volume buttons on the remote control. “Reality shows are the hardest — to do it right, I need the characters to stop yelling over each other so much so I can get their audio clean — but I’m doing the best with what I have.”

Green’s roommate India O’Riley is not impressed with his work so far.

“Yeah… if it were just a thing he was doing on his own, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But before we watch anything, he makes me stand beside the TV and point up or down for him to adjust the volume while shouting, ‘Hey!’ to see if it’s loud enough,” said O’Riley while watching Hulu on her phone alone in her bedroom. “I swear, I’ve already blown my voice out like, three times doing this bullshit, and he always ends up getting mad at me and saying, ‘Fine, I guess this will just have to sound like shit.’”

Labor expert and adjunct professor Lars Sorenson claimed Green is one of many laid-off venue staff struggling to maintain their skills.

“It doesn’t stop with sound guys — a lot of bartenders who normally work at venues are deliberately ignoring their partners to gain their attention,” said Sorenson. “And I’ve seen laid-off door guys putting wristbands on their pets, scrutinizing their collar tags, and patting them down every time they come through the door.”

In an attempt to learn stage lighting as well, Green is allegedly now flickering lights on and off in time with theme songs of whatever show happens to be on when he’s done adjusting the volume.

Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal They Named Child to Give Him Infinite Money Cheat

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Jon Ruggiero

HILLSBOROUGH, Calif. — Pop singer Grimes and Elon Musk recently announced that their son X Æ A-XII’s unusual name was chosen because it’s actually a cheat code that allows the child to have infinite money, sources confirmed earlier today.

“We all know that we’re living in a simulation, and that simulation obviously has cheat codes,” said Grimes in an Instagram post defending the unusual choice of name. “X Æ A-XII just so happens to be the code for unlocking infinite money. We wanted to make sure our son would have a good future, and this seemed like the best way to accomplish that.”

Musk further explained the decision in a series of tweets.

“I just want better for my son than I had,” Musk said. “I was born to wealthy parents so our family already has plenty of assets, but that could all go away in an instant if I decide to tweet any of the insane things in my drafts folder right now and tank the Tesla stock again. So giving X Æ A-XII infinity money seemed like an obvious move.”

At press time, Grimes and Musk confirmed that despite the benefits of their child’s name, X Æ A-XII is also the code to unlock infinite weird looks in public.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill

Posted on June 21, 2020 by David Sitrick

NEW DONK CITY — Beloved local hero Luigi was blinded in his left eye at a protest against police brutality yesterday, when he collided with a rubber Bullet Bill employed by the New Donk Police Department, witnesses confirm.

Protesters packed the streets in front of New Donk City Hall to demand the firing of Officer Wario, the now-infamous police officer tied to 15 civilian deaths and more than 50 excessive force complaints over a ten-year career with the NDPD.

“A capitalist police state is supremely un-funky, my dudes,” said peace activist Funky Kong in his address to the assembled crowd, which faced a line of NDPD officers in riot gear.

While the protests were initially peaceful, the tone shifted when a single banana peel was reportedly tossed from the crowd towards a group of NDPD officers guarding a historic statue of Donkey Kong clutching Mayor Pauline. A clip from a protester’s livestream contains audio of an unnamed person shouting “Waaaaaaaaaaaah” before officers swarmed the area, deploying red shells, fire flowers, hammers, lightning strikes, bombs, and dozens of other miscellaneous weapons in an attempt to disperse the crowd.

It was in the ensuing fracas that local icon Luigi was struck in the face by a rubber Bullet Bill.

“He had locked arms with us on the front lines, which was cool because, like, nobody’s fuckin’ seen Mario out here, if ya get what I mean,” said one protester. “Meanwhile this, like, infamous coward is out here on the front lines standing up against injustice. Then all of the sudden he was just down, and we’re all trying to check on him. Then a squad of Hammer Bros charges in, and before I know it we’re all face down getting screamed at.”

When asked for comment on what occurred, Luigi had few words to offer.

“Mamma mia. Luigi lose,” he said through tears, before opening his remaining eye with firm resolution. “But the people? The people win. The people number one! Wow. Mayor Pauline needs to a-stop singing empty platitudes and a-fucking resign.”
Mario has not yet responded to inquiries about the safety of his brother, but did share a vaguely worded message on social media this afternoon.

“The life and safety of every citizen is sacred,” said the message in part. “Thank you to both the protesters and our hardworking officers of the law for each doing their part to protect this great democratic experiment. I know we will come out of this stronger, even if the growth is painful. And it’s in that spirit that the Nintendo Online Store will be offering a 10% discount on Nintendo Switch Online for the rest of this weekend. Because nothing brings people together like Nintendo.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Dad Interrupting Legendary Show Just Has to Grab Shop-Vac Out of Basement Real Quick

Posted on June 21, 2020 by James Knapp

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A generation-defining show at local basement venue The Bottleneck was briefly interrupted last night when venue/home owner Doug Stinson had to retrieve his shop-vac from its storage space, mildly inconvenienced sources confirmed.

“That was probably the best show I’ve ever been to. Seriously, as soon as Submarine Loggins played the first chord of ‘Dick Inspection,’ I was floored,” said noticeably inebriated show attendee Kurt Foster. “But then, right in the middle of their set, some old guy in a Jimmy Buffett-looking polo stopped everything and took some weird trash can out from behind the drum kit. It really threw off the whole vibe. It was still a great show, but that part seemed unnecessary… and like it probably could have waited.”

Mr. Stinson explained his decision to temporarily stall the sure-to-be-historic show to retrieve the appliance.

“Whenever the kids put on their music concerts, I try to stay out of it. I’m hip. I know nobody wants their dad being a ‘poser’ or whatever,” said Stinson. “But I was cleaning up in the garage after breaking in this new belt sander that I got when I realized I left my trusty shop-vac downstairs. I guess I could’ve used the push broom to sweep all of the sawdust outside, but, you know what they say: do you want it done fast, or do you want it done right?”

Davy “First Mate” Klein, guitarist of Submarine Loggins, did not seem phased by the elder Stinson’s decision to retrieve his appliance mid-show.

“This is not at all the strangest dad-interruption we’ve had on tour,” Klein recalled. “Earlier this year, a dad broke in on a garage show we played to check if he put the rake back. And just last week, another one stopped us mid-song and asked us if we’d help him move a dresser upstairs… which of course, we did. You always have to remember who’s floor you’re crashing on later.”

At press time, Stinson had once again descended into the basement to ask if any of the show attendees knew how to reset the WiFi password.

I’ll Have You Know My Dad’s a Cop, So Yeah Fuck Cops

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Ed Saincome

America is more divided than ever on the issue of policing and frustrations are at a boiling point as we watch clashes between protesters and the law unfold. Public trust in the police is at an all-time low and millions are demanding officers’ arrests after countless examples of excessive force and brutality. In times like these, it can be hard to look past our own emotions and see the real people on the other side; like my dad, a fifteen-year veteran cop, and an absolute bag of wet dog shit.

Fuck the police in general but fuck my dad specifically.

I know what you’re thinking: “Aren’t ALL cops bastards who should be arrested and jailed for their crimes against humanity?” Well, you’re absolutely right to feel that way. But when we say “all cops,” we risk overlooking my dad in particular. A man who, as you may recall, is a worthless pig motherfucker whose dick doesn’t work.

The language we use when talking about the police is so important right now, especially when finding the right words to insult my dad.

It can be easy to label an entire group as evil, cowardly, scum of the earth based on the illegal and racist actions of hundreds of shitty officers. And honestly, it’s even easier if you met my asshole dad, who has never stopped a single crime and cries when he doesn’t get his 10% discount at Under Armour. Please don’t let a few bad apples overshadow true shitstains like my dad, and every other cop who needs a stepladder to climb into their Ford F-250.

We’re at a crossroads in America right now, and it’s more important than ever that we stand up for what’s right, hold police accountable, and harass my dad on Facebook whenever he posts another racist meme or Punisher logo or whatever the fuck he does between harassing black communities and getting another divorce. Together we can create real change in this country, or at least make my dad cry and quit his job.

Crisis Actor Tired of Being Typecast As Father of Dead Kid

Posted on June 21, 2020 by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Worried about industry typecasting, representatives of local crisis actor Daniel Mauer say he is seeking a wider range of roles, hoping to finally break from his recurring part as “Father of Dead Child #4.”

“At first I was happy getting any role that came along, and any form of ‘Grieving Father’ is decent — lots of speaking parts, and sometimes an interview with our close friends at CNN; all that pays extra. But after all these years, I can barely remember the name of the school I’m supposed to be standing in front of,” Mauer said from an undisclosed location. “With my range, I’m cut out for so much more: I’d make a great ‘Bomb Survivor,’ or even ‘Hero Teacher.’ For Christ’s sake, I graduated top of my class at Black Site Acting School.”

Mauer’s agent, Teddy Reynolds of Operation Artists & Talent, understands the actor’s frustrations.

“Danny is a top-notch talent, but no one can get over his early work in ‘Mall Shooting #437’ back in ’06 — I nearly believed him myself. Now that’s all anybody wants him for. Just last week, I pitched him as ‘Soldier Coming Home and Surprising Daughter,’ and I got crickets,” Reynolds said via Skype. “And to be honest, he’s about to age out of Dad roles… and work gets pretty slim after that. If it’s going to happen, it needs to happen now. I mean, who gives a fuck about ‘Crying Older Uncle?’ Not me.”

While Mauer’s feelings may be valid, Deep State Director of Propaganda Affairs, Agent Archons X4, stressed the importance of everyone owning their roles.

“We hear this sort of complaint often. Every crisis actor thinks they’re the Laurence Olivier of mass shootings. But they’re not seeing the entire puzzle: it’s delicate work, and needs to be directed perfectly to stay one step ahead of the YouTubers,” Archon X4 explained from deep inside the Illuminati ocean compound. “We all appreciate Mr. Mauer’s efforts over the years — his work has warmed even my cold, reptilian blood. But if he wants to continue complaining about his assignments, I’m certain we can find him a role as ‘Missing American Tourist’ very shortly.”

Fortunately for Mr. Mauer, he has already booked a new, ongoing role as a coronavirus patient, and is set to tour the country with the production through at least 2021.

Gamer Dad Gives Up 20-25 Hours Into Forging Connection With Son

Posted on June 20, 2020 by Seth Finkelstein

SALEM, N.H. — Local gamer father Jack Ruebens has announced he will stop attempting to forge a relationship with his son Chet, 12, after over 20 hours of dedicated time together.

“I had a great time with Chet’s basic loop of outdoor activity and conversation, but it’s clear once the initial thrill of seeing my flesh and blood grow into their own person wears off, the actual experience is pretty thin,” Ruebens said. “At the end of the day, it just isn’t worth my time to invest all of this energy into Chet when there’s so many other children available.”

“You can’t think about the money and time you’ve already invested in one kid,” Ruebens added. “That’s the sunk-cost fallacy. Just leave those kids behind.”

When asked for comment, Chet was unsurprised at the news that Ruebens would not be completing his son’s story missions.

“While I understand that my dad has a massive backlog of yardwork and Red Sox games, I maintain that the rewards for mastering the ‘Father and Son’ mechanics can provide over 100 hours of entertainment,” Chet explained. “I have some really interesting upgrades like ‘Learner’s Permit’ and ‘Shaving’ deep in my skill tree that he’s going to miss out on.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Ruebens struggled for years to carve out the hours necessary to complete the Chet campaign. He has suggested that overblown expectations may be to blame for his bouncing off of the relationship.

“All my friends kept saying, ‘Just wait until you get to the sex talk’ or ‘The Talk is where the narrative really kicks into gear,’” the elder Reubens said. “I finally got there last week, but it was just awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. There wasn’t even a moment where I got to work through my own trauma while my son was in mortal peril or anything.”

Despite his ambivalence on the parenting genre, Ruebens still expressed excitement for his wife’s upcoming announcement of next-gen children.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tense, Grim, and Violent: Our Review of ‘The Last Of Us Part 2’ Discourse

Posted on June 20, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

Navigating the discourse surrounding highly anticipated video games, much like the apocalypse, is a constant struggle for survival. Discussion about the original The Last of Us was unanimously positive, and even in 2020, gamers still frequently agree with one another about how much they like the game with the same enthusiasm they had in 2013. However, talking about The Last of Us Part 2 is much more tense, grim, and violent than talking about its predecessor, making readers and participants subject to an onslaught of heated disagreements, divisive opinions, and gruesome spoilers without a glimmer of hope in sight.

Game director Neil Druckmann has described the discourse around The Last of Us Part 2 as “a commentary about the cycle of violence.” Much like the Cordyceps-infected husks in the game’s dystopian world, commenters across the internet have been shambling aimlessly from website to website ever since Part 2’s review embargo was lifted, searching for hapless opinion-havers to devour. Meanwhile, just like Ellie while she crouches behind a box to craft an improvised explosive, game critics have been cobbling together opinions and insights under tight deadlines and heavy embargo restrictions to lob back at the shrieking masses. In the game, Ellie always manages to wipe out danger and prevail by the skin of her teeth. In real life, however, there’s never an end to the throngs of people willing to get mad about this game.

The Last Of Us Part 2 promises to encourage the player to ask philosophical questions about morality, consequences, and the nature of revenge. Certainly, those themes must be present in the game, because they’re present in some of the discourse surrounding the game. However, these topics are heavily overshadowed by discussions about developer crunch, animal cruelty, and the unpleasant fact that the game’s post-pandemic narrative echoes the current state of the world. The discourse surrounding Part 2 hits you over the head with these points over and over until it becomes hard to want to push on and learn what’s actually good about it.

No matter how hard things get, both the characters in The Last of Us Part 2 and the people debating it push forward — tired, bloodied, and traumatized, but dusting themselves off and preparing for the next challenge they’ll face. But sometimes, you have to wonder if it would be easier to get bitten and turned into a clicker so you don’t have to see or read about any of it.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tearful Ben Stiller Smothers “Night at the Museum’s” Columbus Statue With a Pillow

Posted on June 20, 2020 by James Kinneen

NEW YORK — The American Museum of Natural History’s cast bronze and allegedly sentient Christopher Columbus statue was the victim of a mercy killing last night at the hands of a recently divorced night security guard, protesting sources confirmed.

“The security guard lured the Columbus statue — which we were shocked to learn could walk, talk, and crack wise — into an abandoned section of the museum. The guard then straddled him and used a pillow to suffocate the metal likeness of the genocidal Italian explorer,” said detective Eric Chavez. “The presence of protestors outside the museum, combined with reports of the guard crying and whispering, ‘Once again, you travel into the unknown,’ and, ‘You’ll always have the most populous city in Ohio,’ lead us to believe this was a mercy killing.”

While Chavez wouldn’t comment on whether charges would be brought against the guard, legal scholars are mixed. Columbia Law professor Harvey Swalinski noted the lack of precedent regarding magic historical figures.

“On the one hand, it appears no police officer or district attorney in the country is willing to arrest and prosecute protestors who topple problematic statues,” said Swalinski. “On the other hand, this Columbus moved, spoke, and once helped apprehend a trio of elderly antique thieves. It’s a tough case.”

While the protesters outside chanted, clapped, and applauded as the statue’s lifeless body was hauled away, reactions inside the museum were mixed.

“There’s a certain brotherhood among us historical effigies, so despite his abhorrent past, I do believe Chris will be missed. While I don’t condone such a cowardly coup de grace in the face of an unwinnable battle, I understand the motivation,” explained former U.S. President, lifelong eugenicist, and New Orleans lynching supporter Theodore Roosevelt. “We can’t be celebrating men like Christopher Columbus with statues.”

It is unclear if the museum will add another historical figure in its place, but longtime curator Dr. Richard McPhee was emphatic that Columbus was gone for good.

“Christopher Columbus was a monster,” McPhee said. “He didn’t discover anything. He didn’t prove the earth was round. And perhaps most egregious of all, he wasn’t even voiced by a recognizable celebrity.”

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