Twitter User Pins Moment They Peaked

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

MIDLOTHIAN, Texas — Twitter user Sarah Criss recently pinned the greatest accomplishment she’ll ever achieve, an observational joke about American’s eating habits and the national perception of police officers, to the top of her Twitter page, for all passersby to see. 

“if u eat the regular cheetos ur a cop,” reads the semi-viral tweet, who’s engagement dwarfs that of any of Criss’ others. By being pinned to the top of her profile, it dethrones the celebratory announcement of the formation of Criss’ improv troupe, The Prankee Poodle Pandies. 

“We’re so proud of our baby girl,” Sarah’s mother Tammy said, in response to her achieving the highlight of her life thus far. “We know Sarah will reach even greater heights in the future. This joke is great, but I can’t wait until she does something even more amazing, like go on a trip with friends, or raise a kid she’s proud of! Sarah is only 23 years old. There’s no way this is as good as it’s going to get.”

Congratulations poured in for Sarah’s accomplishment from friends and family well into the night.

“Getting a hundred likes on a tweet feels incredible. It’s such an amazing rush. I can’t wait for it to happen again, which I’m sure it will.”, Sarah said as she composed another tweet that felt as funny as the other one, but will not get anywhere near as much attention as her recently pinned composition.

Criss mentioned other aspirations she has, which include writing, improv, and mountain climbing.

“I mean, hell, I reached the summit of the mountain that is Twitter,” she said. “Why not scale an actual mountain and compare the experiences?”

As of press time, The Prankee Poodle Pandies have disbanded, citing Criss’ growing ego as the ultimate breaking point in the group’s storied three month history.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Chinese Film Panders to Americans With Chase Sequence Through Downtown Branson, Missouri

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SHANGHAI — One scene in the well-received Chinese film Guardians of the North is being called out for pandering to American audiences due to the main characters inexplicably pursuing one another through the streets of downtown Branson, Missouri. 

“All of a sudden, in the middle of the movie, the antagonist is hiding out at a Go-Kart track in the midwest and the hero has to fly there and track him down,” early test audience member Li Wei Zhao said. “Then they are running along trolly tracks, through fudge shops and arcades, and end up fighting in the Titanic Museum. It just seemed unnecessary. Although, the part at the outlet mall was very pretty.”

Guardians of the North’s director Zhang Yong Liu defended his decision at a press junket.

“The bad guy in the film is a teenage God called Nezha,” he explained. “Of course he would want to go to America and see Presley’s Country Jubilee or Branson’s Famous Baldknobbers while drinking Coca-Cola. It is necessary for his character development to be in the popular middle-western village of Branson. If American’s like seeing a car chase through historic downtown Branson, past such places like Mellow Mushroom Pizza, The Farm Museum, and Dick’s Oldtime Five & Dime, well, that is just an added bonus.”

To their credit, many Americans have loved the decision.

“I was watching this weird fuckin’ Chinese movie and then WHOA HOLY SHIT IT’S BRANSON MISSOURI!!!!!!!” said commenter Kris Newell in a Letterbox’d review. “I have never been to Branson and I don’t know anyone from Branson but DAMN do I love seeing America in a movie. USA! USA!!”

The filmmakers are already planning for their next film to have a heist take place at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Company Names Only Black Employee “Chief Diversity Officer” Without Asking Him

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local advertising firm Intuitive Front promoted Sean Graham, their only African-American employee, to the newly created “Chief Diversity Officer” position today without his applying for or being told about the new role, confirmed sources within the company patting themselves on the back.

“We here at Intuitive Front are devoted to diversity and inclusion. We stand with the Black Lives Matter movement and the protesters fighting for equality, and we believe Sean Graham is the perfect face for our company to show we care. And while no person at an executive level is a person of color or female, we still believe we can help make a difference,” said CEO Spencer Marshall from his high-rise office. “Sean is a valuable employee, and… oh. Is he black? I didn’t even realize. You see, we here at Intuitive Front don’t see color.”

Graham, however, was taken aback by the promotion.

“I’m just a PR intern — I didn’t really think anyone even noticed me. I came in this morning and there was a Post-It on my desk congratulating me on being promoted to Chief Diversity Officer. I had to Google it to find out what that even means,” Graham said. “Apparently, it doesn’t come with a pay raise, and I really don’t have to do anything… although, my picture is on the splash page of the company website, and it looks like they bought some stock photos of other POCs that they photoshopped behind me.”

Experts are finding a trend among companies committing to diversity while it is popular.

“Companies are scrambling to show off their diversity. We are finding minorities who are mailroom clerks, accountants, and, in one case, a guy who was just standing in the lobby, being promoted to positions of power,” said corporate sociologist Sheryl De León, Ph.D. “I myself became Chief Diversity Officer of my university just this morning, and they said it had nothing to do with the fact that I am a ‘Mexican female.’ For the record, I am Guatemalan.”

As of press time, Graham had already lost his position when the company discovered they employed a janitor who is both gay and Asian.

We Sat Down With a Survivor of the 1918 Flu and Accidentally Killed Him

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Our deepest, most sincere apologies to the family and friends of 1918 flu survivor Mortimer Pyle. We recently sat down with Mr. Pyle to discuss his childhood memories of one of the deadliest pandemics in world history. Unfortunately, our interview had rather unfortunate repercussions for the old timer.

The Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with us! I’m so thrilled to talk with you!
Pyle: Please stop shouting, I can hear just fine. And shouldn’t you be wearing a mask around me? I’m 108 years old.
That’s totally my bad. I left it in the car. Plus I’m growing this sick quarantine beard and the mask makes it all itchy. Anyway, how old were you when the 1918 flu began?
I was six years old. Also, can you back up a little?
Totally, dude. I’m just really a ‘people person,’ you know? Anyway, we’d love to hear what you remember about the 1918 pandemic. How did it affect daily life? Was DoorDash still operating?
Sorry, my throat seems to be troubling me, let me just finish this water. 
That’s your water? Oh, shit dude, I thought it was mine! Haha I kept taking sips from it, isn’t that funny? 
My entire family contracted the flu during the devastating second wave. I was bedridden for a week, my body racked with pain, and my mind seized by feverish apparitions.
Gnarly! Tell me more. Did people show up at the state capitol with guns because they weren’t allowed inside Denny’s? Also, is it just me or is it kind of a beta cuck move to wash your hands after you pee?
Please extinguish that cigarette! 
Haha this isn’t a cigarette, bro! You wanna hit this? [Sneezes loudly and messily]
Are you kidding me? I’m getting the hell out of here.

Well, you can probably guess what happened to Mr. Pyle after that. In his haste to storm off, Mr. Pyle ran into our next interview subject, wildlife expert “Scorpion” Steve Lomax. “Scorpion” Steve was having serious difficulty controlling the hordes of venomous insects he had brought with him to the office, and there was a terrible accident. A very, very terrible accident.

In our defense, Mr. Pyle should have disclosed to us that he was allergic to murder hornets. Oh well. R.I.P. Mortimer Pyle. Mad props to you for surviving two pandemics. When heaven gets Zoom, you’ll be our first call.

Police Dog Doesn’t See Color

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

HOUSTON — A dog serving with the Houston Police Department issued a statement today responding to allegations of racism in his department, claiming that he personally doesn’t see color while pursuing suspects.

“Speaking on behalf of myself and my unit, skin color hardly enters the conversation,” explained Duke, a five-year-old German Shepherd who has worked with the Houston K9 unit since 2016. “The job I was trained to do requires swift action and quick decisions, so I don’t even have time to question the race of who I tackle, bite, and continue biting until instructed to stop. I don’t care if you’re black, white, grey, darker grey, a shade of grey even darker than that, or just a plastic bag that got caught on a telephone pole — just don’t commit crimes, and you won’t get taken down.”

While Duke acknowledged that nationally there are a few “bad apples” in law enforcement, he and his handler reiterate that most cops are “very good boys, yes they are.”

“I’ve known Duke for his whole life, and have never met a more alert cop. I should know — I trained him myself,” said Lt. Phil McCrone, Duke’s handler/trainer and a senior officer with 18 discrimination complaints against him. “His record speaks for itself. One time we were out for a walk, and he jumped up and bit an African-American man just walking by, right in the throat. Turns out the guy was a scumbag criminal who had two unpaid parking violations against him, and had used a small amount of marijuana earlier that week, which he claimed ‘helped’ with his ‘seizures.’ Duke is a credit to this force, and I’m damn proud to know him.”

Recent studies show that Black and Latino men are more than 50% more likely to be targeted and arrested. However, The Houston K9 unit is pushing back, saying they are the ones being victimized.

“We do a tough job, and the thanks we get is being demonized by the media,” remarked Rusty, a seven-year-old Rottweiler and decorated officer. “My colleagues and I keep this city safe! There’s a witch hunt going on in this country, and we don’t deserve to be treated like animals. Even me — literally an animal. Treat me like a man. A white man.”

At press time, Duke was eating his own shit and growling at a passing car playing loud rap music.

The Avengers Furlough Hawkeye

Posted on by Collin Preciado

ESOPUS, N.Y.  — The Avengers announced today that they will be making furloughs in order to assist with the gradual reopening of the Avengers Initiative, starting with Clint “Hawkeye” Barton.

“This was not an easy choice,” said Dr. Bruce Banner at a press conference within the Avengers Headquarters in upstate New York. “This disease has taken quite a toll on the economy at large and the Avengers are no exception. We needed to make budget cuts and this just made the most sense financially. Not to mention, you know. He just sorta shoots arrows.”

“We kept him around all through the Thanos stuff,” Banner continued. “He was like going around Asia killing people. Pretty nutso stuff. We feel that we did everything we could to protect his position.”

Hawkeye, one of the more senior members of the current iteration of the Avengers, held his own press conference via Zoom.

“It makes zero sense,” proclaimed the recently ousted archer. “First off, all I do is fight from far away. I don’t go near anyone. Ever. Pretty useful during these times, don’t you think? They’re all just mad at me because my music career is starting to take off.”

Hawkeye’s debut EP titled The Meta Sin released earlier this year to mostly negative reviews including a negative 5 star rating from Rolling Stone magazine. It smashed the record of lowest selling superhero novelty album in its first month after failing to sell more than Matter-Eater Lad’s notorious double LP from 1974 entitled Eating Ain’t Cheating.

Members of The Avengers categorically denied that the dismissal had anything to do with the tepidly received release.

“Absolutely not,” said James  Rhodes. “I don’t know if any one of you has seen what Barton fights interdimensional mutant demigods in, but there’s a number of things more embarrassing and unbearable about him than his aspirations to suddenly become a rock star. And the less we say about his app, the better.”

Despite the decision to furlough Hawkeye, records show the organization did hire Kate Bishop on the same day. Banner declined to comment.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

SNL Admits Allowing Coronavirus to Host Show in 2018 Was a Mistake

Posted on by Ted Pillow

NEW YORK — Legendary television producer Lorne Michaels conceded last week that it was a mistake to have the highly infectious novel coronavirus host “Saturday Night Live” in 2018, as it likely contributed to the virus’s current popularity.

“I first met the coronavirus at Paul Simon’s house. There were lots of viruses and other contagious diseases hanging around, and Mick Jagger,” Michaels explained while taking a break from a game of badminton with Steve Martin. “Coronavirus had such a likeability and natural charisma to it — I never would’ve guessed it’d cause so much suffering. At the time, it seemed like the kind of severe acute respiratory syndrome that could carry a cold open.”

Michaels’ admittance prompted cast members to speak out about the controversial episode.

“The coronavirus was the worst host ever. Keep in mind, I’ve worked with Justin Bieber, Lance Armstrong, and even once did a remote piece with dengue fever,” confided longtime cast member Kenan Thompson. “COVID kept missing cues and pitched all sorts of shitty sketch ideas — like ‘Camp Crystal Lungs,’ where people wheezed incessantly throughout the sketch. Usually a bad host fails because they don’t have comedic chops or don’t learn their lines. But this was the first time we had a host that didn’t have a recognizable face, an able body, or even a human soul. Well, other than the time Rudy Giuliani hosted.”

Indeed, critics suggest that by letting the coronavirus host, “Saturday Night Live” may have played a role in the current pandemic.

“Seeing a person, idea, or invisible-to-the-naked eye virus on TV normalizes it. Suddenly, average Americans are comfortable with coronavirus entering their homes, grocery stores, and lungs,” noted Laura Andrews, a media studies professor at New York University. “‘Saturday Night Live’ is particularly influential because it reaches so many viewers and is so entrenched in the culture — the popularity of ‘SNL’ is probably why this turned out so much worse than when ‘MADtv’ let H1N1 host.”

“Saturday Night Live” has since announced that their first episode back in studio 8H would be hosted by a nest of murder hornets, with the inevitable major earthquake that will devestate San Francisco slated as the musical guest.

Second Coming of Jesus Thwarted by Police

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — The second coming of Jesus was cut short this past Wednesday when LAPD Ofc. Thomas Andrews opened fire on the son of God in broad daylight.

“With such injustices happening daily, I believed it was undeniably the time to come down to human kind to try to bring peace to a weeping world,” said Jesus Christ. “Apparently, these God-worshiping cops were expecting the Mel Gibson white guy version of me, because things went sour the moment I tried to do a couple miracles to prove I was indeed the one true King of Kings.”

In an official statement issued by the LAPD, Police Chief Michel Moore defended the actions of the officers.

“We can all agree that this is obviously a horrible misstep and tragedy, but how was Ofc. Andrews supposed to know it was Jesus he was shooting at? This man wasn’t white, and Jesus is supposed to be white. To be completely candid, this is kind of on him — he could’ve very well chosen to come down as a nice, presentable white man. He kept talking about worker’s rights, and how the voice of the community is stronger than a fascist police department… and he called me a facsist! I’m not a facsist! That’s not my Jesus!”

“Jesus is supposed to help me through my hardships. Jesus is supposed to love blue lives. Please beam me up, Daddy. I need to go to heaven,” he added.

Jesus’ father, God, was understandably upset.

“Really? Again? Every single time. Is this just how it goes with y’all?” a disappointed Almighty stated. “You seemed really into my son when you could twist his words to oppress and subdue, but, the moment you actually are confronted with him and his teachings, you get all shaky and trigger happy? It doesn’t take omnipotence to see that’s like, messed up man.”

“This was your chance, guys,” God added. “Like, time for heaven and all that business. On the plus side, this has made judgement a lot easier. Y’all are making it very clear who you are.”

For his actions, Ofc. Andrews was given two months paid leave and looks forward to a permanent residence in hell.

Opinion: If That’s How You Treat Customers I’ll Just Go Use the Restroom Somewhere Else

Posted on by Tom Peters

As a consumer, I know that I have more options than ever competing for my dollar. If you don’t meet my needs, it’s not hard to find someone down the street who will. Now, I can’t tell you how to run a business, but if this is how you treat customers, well, I’ll just have to use the restroom somewhere else.

Where do you even get off telling me that your bathroom is for, “customers only?” I’ll have you know that I planned on touching everything in here, asking LOTS of questions, and checking Amazon prices on my phone as I sidled out the door. But now I guess I’ll be taking my hypothetical business elsewhere. You blew it, buddy!

Did I walk through the door saying, “I’ve got to make a large deposit at the First Bank of Porcelain?” Sure. Have I used the bathroom here without spending money in the past? Yes, many times. But if you don’t want people using your restroom, you shouldn’t have opened up next to a Cicis Pizza. It’s just bad business, simple as that.

And by the way, your bathroom could really use a makeover. You need a decent selfie mirror so influencers like me can tag themselves in the hottest new public restroom in town. And coarse toilet paper is no way to build a relationship with customers — I need to be surprised and delighted in there!

Whatever, I don’t have the time to take you to business school; it’s almost peak grocery store sampling hours. You’ll be hearing from me via my one-star reviews across multiple online platforms, but rest assured, there are plenty of other establishments willing to receive a full load of my patronage with a smile and a, “thank you.” Good day.

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